Dawn's Big Move
Dawn’s Big Move, #67
This is my first snark, and I’m sorry it’s so long. I don’t know if it’s particularly snarky, either.
Why is Dawn dressed like a janitor? That's not California Casual!! (cover courtesy of www.dibbly-fresh.com )
Chapter 1
We open with Dawn and Mary Anne making a healthy tofu stir fry meal called Tofu Garden Delight. There’s some not clever banter involving arrowroot (Mary Anne: It sounds sickening! Dawn: It’s for thickening…underthtand? BWAHAHAHA).
Anyway, we learn all about Dawn’s bicoastal family and how lately she’s been missing her dad and Jeff. Not Carol, though. Carol is Dawn’s dad’s girlfriend, and she’s 32 and uses words like “cool.” The HORROR!!! However, she did act her age one time (the Super Special when they went to Cali and Stacey ran around with the bad boys and got in an accident and Carol tattled instead of trying to win a bunch of thirteen year olds’ approval). So Dawn respects her now. She wants to go to Cali for a visit, especially because her dad might marry Carol, and if she’s going to be her step mom, she’d like to get to know her. You know, so she has more ammo to use against her.
Blah, blah, blah, Mary Anne’s dad married Dawn’s mom, now they’re best friends and sisters, OMG, etc. etc. Over a dinner of Tofu Garden Delight, Richard tells the family that the Stoneybrook and Lawrenceville Chambers of Commerce are doing an event called Run for Your Money. He wants the whole family to enter some events together! And you know what Mary Anne wants? To tell Kristy and get some kids involved, of course. Stop seeking approval from her, Mary Anne. I can smell your desperation over here. The kids decide that it would be fun to enter the Underwear Race, and Richard agrees to “take it under advisement.”
Dawn finally tells her mom that she’s been missing her West Coast family and would like to go for a visit. Her mom agrees that she can go out there for Thanksgiving, and Dawn’s all emo because that’s months away. Sharon and Richard finally decide to discuss letting her go earlier for a long weekend. Dawn calls her dad and Jeff to talk to them, and after she hangs up, she narrows her eyes and tries to imagine that a maple tree is a palm tree. Oy.
Chapter 2
BSC meeting! Jessi informs the group that she’s going back to Oakley for a weekend to visit her cousin Keisha. Dawn gets all emo AGAIN because Jessi and Stacey live so close to their old hometowns and can go there whenever they want. We also get the standard intros, without outfits. Frowny face. Dawn mentions how much it sucks to be so far from her family, and sensitive Kristy says, “Well, what can you do?” We also find out that all of the BSC members have entered the Run for Your Money thing with their families.
Chapter 3
The Schafer-Spiers family is practicing for the Underwear Race. Richard is wearing a Simpsons tank top and a pair of boxers with red hearts. HAWT. Dawn has on a bikini (ho), Mary Anne has on a one piece (prude), and Sharon is wearing lightweight long johns. Hilarity ensues when Richard tries to get his pants over the oversized boxer shorts, and he eventually collapses on the ground. He insists on entering another event, so Dawn gets a rope from the barn and they play boys vs. girls tug-of-war.
Everyone’s having fun but Dawn, and when Mary Anne asks her what’s wrong, she blurts out, “I want to go home!” There are lots of tears and Sharon gets kind of upset. Richard finally suggests talking about it later, and they adjourn to have pizza.
Chapter 4
Journal entry. Oh, Claudia. “Orgenising”? If this book took place in the present day, they would have just saved the notebook to a shared file on a computer so that Claud’s awful spelling would be automatically corrected.
Anyway, Claudia’s baby-sitting Jamie and Lucy Newton, and Jamie’s driving her nuts because he’s riding up and down the driveway. She has the brilliant idea to have Stacey bring Charlotte over, and to have Mal & Jessi bring Becca and the Pike kids over to practice Run for Your Money. So she runs inside with Lucy, yelling at Jamie not to get too close to the street. The kid is only 4!!! I would’ve gotten my ass handed to me for not bringing him inside with me, but since there’s no crime in Stoneybrook (it’s not Sweet Valley, for God’s sake!), I’m sure he’ll be fine.
The cavalry arrives, and immediately the afternoon dissolves into chaos. They practice a bunch of events, kids cry, everyone fights, Claire yells, “Nofe air!” over and over…standard stuff. The most traumatic event sounds like teddy bear volleyball. Poor Paddington ends up with his insides all over the yard. The humanity!
Chapter 5
The Schafer-Spiers family is having Chinese, and you’ll never believe what Dawn’s fortune cookie says! “You will be going on a long journey to a faraway place.” How convenient! Mary Anne talks to Dawn after dinner, and tells her she thinks it’s important for Dawn to get the hell out of her life…I mean, go back to Cali. She convinces Dawn to call her dad and talk to him about the idea of moving out there.
Dawn calls and Carol answers. She says, “Oh, wow. This is so cool, I was just thinking about you!” Dawn thinks, “Oh, wow? So cool? This was a 32 year old I was talking to!” Even when I was 13, I didn’t think that 30 was that old. Then she thinks, “I thought I liked Carol. Maybe I was wrong.” Dawn, you’re a bitch. She’s been perfectly nice to you, and you’re acting like a twat. Get it together.
Dawn talks to her dad (who sounds less than enthusiastic, but wouldn’t you?), and he wants to talk to her mom. Dawn has a panic attack because she doesn’t want her mom to think she went behind her back to talk to her dad. Her mom gets on the phone, and when she hangs up she tells Dawn they’re going to talk tomorrow. Dawn gets supa psyched because her mom didn’t say no! All she needs is a chance!
Chapter 6
Dawn’s eavesdropping on her mom talking to her dad. Her mom mentions talking to the guidance counselor, because it is early in the school year. Personally I think that since this is Dawn’s 5th time starting the 8th grade, she’s more than capable of adjusting to school in California. But that’s just me. Her dad asks some dumbass questions like if she dates, what her curfew is (okay, that’s not totally stupid), and if she picks out her own clothes. She’s not Mary Anne, Mr. Schafer!!!
After Sharon hangs up, she calls her travel agent to inquire about flights to LA. At an indefinite date. I’m not in the travel business myself, but I’m fairly certain that dates have a lot to do with the fare. Again, what do I know? I’m not a fictional character in some perfect Connecticut town, so who knows.
Dawn pesters her mom until her mom tells her that Sharon and Dawn’s dad (does he have a name?) are going to talk to guidance counselors at both schools to see how she would adjust. If they think she’s capable, she can go for 6 months. While Dawn’s celebrating, Richard rings the doorbell and comes in with groceries. Richard rings the doorbell Every. Single. Time. he comes into the house. WTF, Richard? I’m all about manners, but this is ridonkulous.
After dinner, Mary Anne goes into Dawn’s room and Dawn says she’s all nervous about the curriculum at Palo Alto. “What if they’re studying Ancient Streptococcus or something?” I hope they’re studying that, Dawn. And I hope you’re the test subject.
The next day Dawn calls her mom at work, and her mom says that after talking to the guidance counselors, she should be able to adjust to school just fine. So she can go for 6 months! Dawn insensitively screams into her mom’s ear, and her mom just says, “You better write.” Dawn’s all, “I’ll write twice a day,” and her mom’s like, “Um, once a week is fine. Actually, don’t write at all. And by 6 months I meant FOR-EVER.”
Dawn tells Mary Anne her BIG NEWS and they decide she should tell the BSC at their next meeting. Which conveniently happens to be that afternoon!
Chapter 7
At the meeting, Dawn immediately blurts out that she’s moving when Kristy asks about new business. She’s leaving in 3 weeks, fyi. Everyone’s happy for her but K. Ron Hubbard. Everyone tells Kristy she’s being a ginormous bitch, and she goes, “I mean, I know you miss your dad, Dawn. But six months just seems like a lot.” So Dawn decides not to go to California so that she can stay and be miserable, but fulfill her obligation to a club in which she earns $15 a week. JK!!! Once Kristy chills the eff out, SHE gets all emo and is like, “I’m sorry, but this is just going to be a big mess.”
Chapter 8
Baby-sitting chapter. Kristy’s at the Papadakises watching the kids during their family’s huge Greek party. Nothing of import happens except for the following
- Dawn almost tosses her crackers (her words, not mine) just reading about the four animal carcasses rotating on spits. It’s lamb!! I keep picturing Dawn sitting in her room like Kate Hudson in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” in her sad little voice.
- Greek stereotype alert!! “Kristy counted five Nikos, four Alexandras, three Peters, two Marias, two Takis, and a Gus.” I dated a Greek guy, and his name was Christopher. He was supa Greek, and I never met a Niko, Taki, or a Gus. I guess if you’re any culture other than WASP, you have a weird name.
- Kristy ends up organizing a bunch of kids to practice for Run for Your Money. I have a strange desire to make a donation to the Stoneybrook Chamber of Commerce…
Chapter 9
BSC meeting!! Jessi’s all emo now because her visit to Oakley didn’t go as well as she wanted. Keisha wears make-up AND got a new haircut! Oh noes!!! Keisha gets all bitchy because her aunt and uncle wouldn’t let Keisha and her friend go to the mall.
Since her cousin won’t talk to her, Jessi goes to her old ballet school, and finds out her old instructor got divorced and moved to Ohio to go to law school. Quite the leap, Mademoiselle. Then she goes to her old house, and they’re cutting down the two maple trees in front of the house. She used to listen to the leaves rustle at night, and now she can’t do that anymore! Oh noes AGAIN! She goes back to her aunt and uncle’s and Keisha STILL won’t talk to her because Jessi got to run around Oakley unsupervised and she didn’t. She is ELEVEN. What is wrong with these people?!?!
Then Stacey chimes in and talks about how going home can be weird. Her favorite restaurant was turned into an ugly clothes boutique!! How descriptive! Then they start in on Laine. I thought they made up. It’s a little shady to talk shit after she let your dumbass friends stay at her apartment, Stacey. If Dawn stayed with me, I’d be calling in favors for a decade.
They get back to the meeting, and Dawn has the great idea for the BSC to enter Run for Your Money as a team. Raise your hand if you didn’t see that coming. They decide to enter the Mondo Ball race and the Dance Relay (like a running relay, but you dance!! GENIUS!!).
Chapter 10
Mary Anne and Mal baby-sit the Pike kids. They’re planning a surprise good-bye party for Dawn, and they’re using the baby-sitting job to make a cake for her. Of course, they make a huge mess of the kitchen. Stacey and Kristy show up with Charlotte and the Barrett kids, and they decide to split into committees: decorations, food, and games. Sidebar: why the hell do they insist on having these kids at every party?! No wonder Cokie Mason makes fun of them all the time.
After an hour, they decide to go outside, except for Vanessa. She’s upstairs crying about how much she’ll miss Dawn (WTF? Did Dawn baby-sit for her that much?). She even wrote her a poem, which I must copy in its entirety:
“Dawn, Dawn, please don’t go,
We all love you so.
Your nice to us, you make us smile
We love your hair, your laugh, your stile.
When you’re away in California
We’ll be so sad. We’ll really morn moarn ya.”
“That doesn’t rhyme,” Adam volunteered.
“She’s not dying,” Jordan remarked
“We wish you luck, tho you upset us
Please, please, please, Dawn, don’t forget us.”
“Too many pleases,” Adam murmured.
What’s sad is that Vanessa’s a better speller than Claudia. Shameful!! Anyway, everyone cries and gets all sad. Onward!
Chapter 11
It’s finally time for Run for Your Money!! There’s a big power breakfast at Casa Schafer-Spiers, and they’re off to the games. Of note: Richard is wearing a paint-covered sweatshirt and a pair of “stiff, baggy jeans.” Gross. Richard, just because you’re married to a slob doesn’t mean you need to become one. And what the hell are stiff, baggy jeans? I shudder to think.
The stands are packed at the games. The amount of community pride in Stoneybrook is astounding. My family never went to anything for my hometown, and we certainly never entered any games. Well, once I turned 21 we started having drinking games, but that was at home, not in a public venue.
The Schafer-Spiers are in the tug-of-war, and they WIN!!!! Then they go to the potato sack races, and Dawn almost smacks the shit out of a little boy because he says, “You guys are sisters? You don’t even look alike!” Chill, Dawn. Mary Anne steps up and explains that they’re a blended family, and they lose the sack races. Then Dawn starts angsting about all the other families, and how all the other kids look alike (except for Kristy’s family, because apparently Stoneybrook is 100% homogenous). She also thinks that everyone else looks more “warm and excited” than her family. Yeah, the whole family seems happy but you, Dawn. Don’t you have a flight to catch or something?
Chapter 12
It’s time for the BSC to play their games. First is the Dance Relay. Kristy’s up first, and when they say, “GO!” she just stands there embarrassed. But Kristy Thomas doesn’t lose, bitches!! So she shakes her ass all the way down the track. The girls are tied with the other team until Jessi the ballerina does some tour jetes (big spinning leaps) down the track and stuns the other team!! I find it a twee bit hard to believe that she’s so phenomenal that the other girl just stands in the middle of the track, but here we are. BSC wins!!
Then they play Mondo Ball. It’s a big ol’ squishy ball that they have to push to the other side of the field. Stacey ends up jumping on the ball and rolling to the top. I don’t know what happens next. She could still be up there, for all I know. I can dream, can’t I? Guess what? BSC wins AGAIN!!!
Stoneybrook wins, Kristy hands out BSC fliers (always with the soliciting, that one), and they all decide to go to the Rosebud Café. Magically Logan and Shannon show up to go with them. Kristy mentions something inconsequential about forgetting her math book. Something that minor is totes foreshadowing, you guys.
They get to the café, and everyone’s being really supportive of Dawn. Even Kristy says she wants her to be happy. Whatevs, she just wants to be able to scam on Mary Anne without Dawn around to interrupt. Everyone orders huge sundaes except for Stacey and Dawn. They have Caesar salads and soup (“sane food”). Hate to break it to you, Dawn, but that salad ain’t exactly low-fat. I’m just sayin.
Chapter 13
I swear we’re winding down here. Dawn wakes up all achy from the games. She goes down to breakfast, and Mary Anne’s all over her about how she (Dawn) needs to get in the shower, and she even tells her what outfit she should wear. Like father, like daughter. Dawn gets all excited because she knows something’s up. Once she’s ready (she even puts on MAKE-UP!), she hears the doorbell and thinks people are there for the party. Sorry, Dawn. It’s just douchey Richard.
He asks the girls to come to the grocery, and Dawn again thinks they’re going somewhere else for a party. WRONG. They buy tuna, detergent, and paper towels, fyi. Then Mary Anne remembers to drop off Kristy’s math book. Of course! The party’s at Kristy’s because she lives in a mansion. They get there, and no one is there. Then Kristy wants to show the girls some huge zucchini. Dawn’s all, I love vegetables, but I don’t LOOOOVE them, Kristy. They walk into the backyard and SURPRISE!!!
All the kids are there, and the BSCers. They bought a tofu-rhubarb pie for Dawn, and everyone else eats chocolate cake. Adam Pike starts a burping contest. Dawn’s drawstring pants that gave Mary Anne a hard-on get stained. This sounds like a terrible party to me. But Dawn loves it, and everyone cries at Vanessa’s stupid poem.
Chapter 14
Dawn wakes up all anxious about going to Cali. She had so much fun last weekend, she doesn’t want to leave. And she thinks her friends are doing too good a job of being happy for her. Like they’re happy she’s leaving! Oh noes! I’d be happy, too, Dawn. Ten bucks Kristy slam dunks a Coke can into the garbage at the first BSC meeting without you.
At the BSC meeting that day, Dawn makes a pro and con list of Stoneybrook vs. Palo Alto. Stoneybrook wins (on paper) by a landslide. Anyone who saw the “Full House” where Joey and Jesse were trying to decide whether or not to take full time jobs at the ad agency knows where this is going. Anyway, Dawn schedules herself for a job the first week she’s supposed to be in California because SHE’S NOT GOING.
Chapter 15
Dawn’s on the plane writing in her journal and crying. Way to spoil the suspense, ANM. We flashback a few days, and Dawn’s mom tells her she’s being an asshat. Just because there are more pros for Stoneybrook doesn’t mean each thing on that list weighs equally. Dawn gets all pissy and is like, “It sounds like you WANT me to go!!” And Sharon’s all, “That’s only because I do…I mean, I want you to be happy and follow your heart!”
Dawn calls all the BSC girls to tell them she’s leaving, and they’re all like, “Yeah, we figured…TTFN!” The girls show up on her doorstep dressed in nice clothes (so descriptive, Anne), and give her the journal. Everyone cries.
Then the Schafer-Spiers get to the airport, and I got a little misty when Dawn’s mom hugged her and said, “Let Daddy love you as much as I do.” I’m not made of stone, people!!
On the plane Dawn opens her journal and writes, “In five hours, I will be…” then she writes home and scribbles it out, then she writes California, and scribbles that out. Then she decides that she has six months to decide what word to use.
That’s it! Sorry this was so long, and I’ll try to be more snarky going forward.