BSC #19: Claudia and the Bad Joke Chapters 4-10
Welcome back to the second installment!
Chapter Four!
I’m bothered that we don’t know where this first scene takes place, but I’ll presume SMS. Claudia is freaking out about Betsy (why? Just because the regular sitters weren’t called?) and meets with some random people who used to sit for the “prankster,” Diana Roberts and Gordon Brown. All they say is that she’s incurable and they won’t sit for her anymore but fail to provide any advice or examples of why she’s so bad. Claudia also fails to ask what was so bad about these pranks. Are they annoying? Dangerous? Come on, I think these people would at least have some stories to tell if they refuse to sit for her anymore.
In yet another example of “Ann has no idea how middle schoolers speak,” Gordon says he’ll be thinking of Claud. She would have been lucky to get a “good luck with that,” if anything from a fellow thirteen-year-old.
Claudia freaks out some more then heads off to Cherry Valley Road. Attesting to the crack high of Stoneybrook’s parents, Cookie Sobak barely looks at Claudia before running out. I don’t have children, but I think I would want to get to know the sitter a little better or at least touch base about a few things before entrusting my child’s safety with her. She does talk about emergency numbers, but says little else. She claims to be on the way to the “Woman’s Club” so maybe other clueless parents are there. Perhaps she and Mrs. Arnold are bosom buddies who love to neglect their children together.
Claudia densely thinks Betsy is “easy to please” when she seems really, really happy about fixing a snack. Claudia, did you NOT hear the other sitters and did you suddenly forget your fears just because of how innocent she looks? Pigtails and suspenders are so charming that Betsy can’t be a problem at all!
In parentheses, Claudia also declares, “Goody, cookies!” No wonder Ann loves Ellen Miles, since she’s also a blatant parentheses lover. They’re cool and everything, but this chapter alone has so many!
Claudia sees nothing suspicious at all about an eight-year-old being so happy to serve her. Betsy -not suspiciously at all -gives her a tall glass of apple juice while she has a small cup herself. We learn Betsy has a much older sister and is an eight-year-old aunt, which I always thought was cool to see in a book since I was one myself. Betsy says she is almost an only child. This claim and “Cookie” together serve to blatantly inform us that Betsy is not getting enough attention, thus the jokes.
Claudia the Candy Queen devours the cookies and is too euphoric over food and sugar to notice right away that a fly is in her cup attached to an ice cube. She only then notices that apple juice is cascading down the front of her shirt and is shocked to see Betsy laughing. Betsy laughs and immediately confesses that the fly is fake and the glass is a dribble glass. I call bullshit on this. If you saw you’d ruined someone’s shirt, you probably wouldn’t fess up about the glass being a dribble glass if they couldn’t figure it out, especially if you’re eight.
Claudia is pissed that the shirt she painted and sewed sequins over is covered with juice and will have to be dry cleaned while I wonder why she would wear clothes that were so special to her when baby-sitting anyway. That’s like leaving a laptop open next to tall glasses filled with liquid while rambunctious children and pets are running around.
Claudia then says that she thought Betsy quit playing jokes. Um, no, who said that? Just because people don’t sit for her doesn’t mean the jokes stopped. In fact, it seems like them not sitting anymore is even more of an indicator that she’s still pranking and being annoying.
Betsy BSs that she tried to quit but saw movies that inspired her to continue. She calms Claudia down by showing her a catalogue full of pranks, but Claudia once again fails when Betsy offers her gum. She makes a big deal of being smart and choosing gum with Wrigley’s on it rather than gum in the plain, white wrapper. JUST DON’T TAKE ANYTHING FROM HER AT ALL! Of course, the gum is pepper gum and burns like a bitch. Smart, Claudia.
Then Claudia innocently says, “What tricks could she play on me outside?” In her own backyard, which she knows way better than you? I can think of many potential issues. So they go outside to swing next to the house, not quite in the backyard. Claudia sees nothing weird at all about Betsy selecting a swing for her and plops down. THEN a light bulb goes off and she checks the swing but sees nothing wrong. It just seems old. Instead of being concerned about how old the swing set seems, she suggests a contest to see who can go higher. Gee, what could possibly go wrong here?
And of course, the bottom pops out of Claudia’s swing and she falls. Ann actually does a good job of expressing Claudia’s fear as she flies through the air and lands on the driveway. Her leg breaks right then and there.
Chapter 5!
Claudia is lucky that she doesn’t feel pain. I broke my arm when I was 6 and that was really, really painful. We AGAIN get a food and Kristy reference when Claudia says the sight of her twisted leg is gross and she thought Kristy’s lunch diatribes were the grossest things. I think sights are grosser than verbal descriptions, but ok.
Betsy, the little @$#@!#, keeps swinging for a few moments before finally jumping off and going, “Hurrr deeeer, omg, you really are hurt!” and then apologizes a billion times and explains that she forgot about the broken swing when they had the contest, blah blah. But she actually does do a good job running in and calling the paramedics, Mallory, and Dawn at their respective baby-sitting jobs.
I have to admit laughing when Claudia tries to spell Rodowsky and Betsy cuts her off and says she’ll find it herself in the phone book. Good thing Betsy’s smart enough not to sit there all day waiting. Claudia only gets the R and can’t even make it to the O, btw.
Mallory and Dawn show up with the Rodowsky boys and the Pike brood. In an uncharacteristic act of compassion, Dawn asks if anyone has told Claud’s parents or Mimi. There’s a sweet moment when Claudia begs her not to call Mimi because she can’t drive and will be worried. Dawn also nicely rides to the hospital with Claudia, but wait a second, uh oh! Mallory is left alone to care for 11 kids on her own as she waits in front of the Sobak house! Luckily she has the triplets and older kids for help, but that’s a huge lack of authority, especially considering that they use two baby-sitters for Pike jobs alone. Anyway, they eventually will go in the house to wait for Mrs. Sobak to return so Betsy won’t be unattended, which is better than nothing.
Betsy cries and seems legitimately sorry for the accident, which is good and much better than being an asshat and still swinging after an injury. Claudia is disappointed a little that they don’t turn the sirens of the ambulance on while she’s being whisked to the hospital, noting that while she’s glad she’s not in a big accident, those sirens would have been “exciting.”
The next few paragraphs aren’t really snarkworthy. Claudia cries because she remembers being traumatized at the hospital with Mimi, which I can very much relate to even though I’m much older than thirteen. I’m also again surprised by Dawn’s kindness when she runs beside Claudia as she’s being wheeled in and holds her hand. I miss this Dawn, especially since she says a bunch of nice, comforting things. Anyway, Claudia is injected with something and wakes up later to…
An old movie reference! Claudia says she feels like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz because everyone is crowded around her bed waiting for her to wake up. I’ll give this one to Ann since it’s a classic, but we all know how out of date most of her pop culture references are.
Claudia cries when she learns she has to stay in the hospital for a whole week. I don’t know how realistic this is, to be honest. They sent me home the day after I got my appendix out and it always seems hospitals try to boot people out ASAP from what I’ve experienced. Maybe that’s an L.A. thing? ;) We get more realism that’s hard to snark when Claudia is upset about remembering Mimi in the hospital hooked up to machines and looking dead. That’s truly sad and I feel for Claud. I was several years older than Claudia when I had a family member in the hospital like that (and luckily everything was ok) but that’s a hell of a thing to remember, especially for someone her age. +1 for Ann.
Claudia is angry at Betsy, but takes it too far when she blames the entire birth of the BSC and the whole world. She says, “What was wrong with all of us? Couldn’t we see how stupid we were?” For baby-sitting in general? I think you’re off the mark, Claudia. For many, MANY other things you guys have done over the years? Yes, YES. Ask these questions more often!
She says maybe she shouldn’t baby-sit anymore because it’s risky. Maybe you should just be careful? I think the children are way more at risk than the baby-sitters most of the time.
Chapter 6!
Ok, now we’re back in snark territory!
Claudia gets a jillion flowers, kids are visiting (guess this was before the “under 12” rules applied), and Kristy- OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHYYYYYYY- is getting aroused by the prospect of the lunch cart. Claudia then explains the relaxed rules of Stoneybrook hospital, that anyone can visit except in the ICU. “As many visitors as you want unless you bother others” seems a little too lenient for a hospital. You’re telling me that as long as no other patients complain I can bring in fifty people?
Lol, Claudia’s teachers visit? That’s kind of funny. “And they didn’t mention homework. Or my nightgown.” I would certainly hope not!
More about Claudia’s flowers: EVERYONE sent them. Geez, these girls sure are gigundo popular (and thankfully we have seen no sign of Karen and can only hope she’s playing with matches with Betsy somewhere). Claudia not so nicely mentions that her roommate Cathy is a big baby who cries and carries on when the doctors try to touch her, which sounds crazy, but then again if she broke her elbow so bad that she’s in the hospital I think this actually makes sense. It probably REALLY, really hurts. She even had an operation on it. I don’t think it’s nice to call her a baby when you don’t have to have an operation or know what it feels like. Then Claudia (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr, stop being so mean, Claudia! This isn’t like you!) says, “No friends came or called or sent flowers. I decided that was because she didn’t have any friends. I wouldn’t want to be friends with such a baby. Still, I felt bad for Cathy.” Way out of line, Claudia! We can’t all be Mary Sue with a bunch of people visiting and just because people don’t come doesn’t mean she’s friendless. Jeez. Ever think that maybe her friends actually have things to do rather than chill at a hospital 24/7? And nice “feeling bad” after throwing out some deep jabs.
Claudia then somewhat redeems herself by offering to give flowers to Cathy, but then worries she’ll seem like the popular kid giving flowers to the school pariah. Her mom slyly says to offer them since Cathy can’t get mad with so many people around. Claudia then says she usually thinks her parents are dorks but sometimes they “come through” like right now. Sigh. I think they “come through” in being supportive of you, letting you have freedom and a phone, and being at your side in the hospital, but you can only notice when your mother is being slightly devious. Claudia then makes some BS excuse about the flowers looking good on Cathy’s side of the room when offering them and Cathy kindly accepts. Kristy nearly orgasms when the lunch cart enters now that the adults are gone. Claudia notes that the food is gross which is 100% true of any hospital food I’ve tried, both in sight and taste. Kristy continues panting about the food (NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and dreamily sighs that “it finally happened.” You lost your V-card to Bart? Oh, wait, he’s not here yet. No, nothing that juicy. This is Kristy, not Stacey, after all. “We’ve found something worse than cafeteria and airplane food put together.” Claudia, instead of being disturbed by Kristy’s obsession with food, agrees and wants her junk food. Seriously, guys, isn’t this just like the Crème Fraîche episode of South Park where Randy beats off to food? This is just the G-rated, innuendo-filled version, thank goodness, because I don’t want to picture Kristy grabbing a blanket and pleasuring herself to the Food Network while baby-sitting like Randy did. I apologize for that mental image.
MA enters looking “furtive” (which Claudia then defines for us) and closes the curtain between Claudia and Cathy to reveal…TIGGER! Not to be a party pooper, but come on. I was friends with someone who snuck her cat into the movie theater, but a hospital seems silly and you can spread germs. And thirteen is old enough to know better. If Claudia was dying and would never see her pet again I could see it, but it’s just a week and she’ll be fine! Claudia hopes Cathy won’t blab and “decides she won’t, since I just gave her flowers.” Claudia sure is doing a lot of authoritative, holier-than-thou deciding in this chapter.
There’s a cute part when Jamie Newton vanishes and is visiting a little boy down the hall who just had his appendix out. Since he’s four and sadly not a PhD holder yet like Myriah Perkins who has a year on him, he innocently explains that he thought he could go visiting whomever since he’s a visitor. Claudia gets mad that they left Tigger alone with her while searching for Jamie which was pretty silly. Since this is BSC world, no punishment occurs.
More people visit, even Ashley Wyeth. For two sentences. “Ashley arrived. Ashley left.” See Spot. See Spot run. See, Ann, cutting corners lost you the Newberry Honor Medal!! Also, would Ashley really come? And how awkward to show up and then just leave. “Hi. Bye.” Reminds me of when I visited my old middle school teacher. He was with someone so I said hi and then left. Awkwardddd. Maybe it was a good thing I left since he later got fired for inappropriate behavior with female students.
Stacey calls and Claudia admits she wants to quit baby-sitting because of the danger. DUN DUN DUN!
Chapter 7!
Claudia is overly amused by the club notebook in which Jessi and MA argue about the film festival causing trouble. It’s not really funny. Like, at all. What kind of meds are they giving you, Claudia?
The job starts with Margo leaping out of the bushes before MA and Jessi can enter the Pike-Duggar Worship residence. Funny a sensitive-stomached girl can run, spin, and jump around so much. I guess she only pukes when everyone else is having a good time, as that’s her main purpose as a character. MA, like Claudia before her, notes Nicky’s sudden enthusiasm but still dumbly reaches for his hand when he offers it and gets buzzed. The Pikes do a half-ass (or no-ass) job of reprimanding their children, but at least they stay longer for explanation than Cookie Sobak.
MA answers the phone and gets the refrigerator call. She replies yes and the caller says, “Just checking!” MA then calls it a “goof call.” I didn’t realize it was 1925 and even then, “goof call” just sounds plain silly. The caller calls again and Vanessa sucks ass at staying incognito by asking if “Rita Book” is there. She collapses into giggles and has to hang up, which happened to me as a kid the few times I prank called people. I know prank calling is so sucky, but I seriously, seriously almost fainted laughing when I was little and sang the “Roto Rooter” theme song to some unsuspecting woman and my friend pretended to be a real representative of the company after. I didn’t make it through the whole song, that’s for sure.
Jessi goes to Claire and Margo’s room and gets sprayed by a squirt gun. “Boy,” says Jessi because she is totally not eleven. Jessi then foolishly falls for a fake spider prank after Claire mentions her brothers having a fake spider. It is hilarious that she grabs Claire and evacuates them both from the room and shuts the door behind them before Claire laughs and makes the joke known. Then MA cries, “Oh, disgust!” which is realistic for no time period whatsoever when she encounters fake barf. Damn, these Pike kids are so impressionable after a movie festival. You’d think the parents would go apeshit about anything they show at these library festivals if their kids are willing to do everything just like in the films. Good thing Matilda wasn’t made into a film yet or Stoneybrook’s kids would be punishing the parents because they all deserve it!
MA hatches a plan with Jessi to pretend the circus is coming. Which is not a cool practical joke at all and also means stooping to the kids’ level. The triplets make sundaes and put a tennis ball covered in ice cream in Nicky’s but don’t get reprimanded AT ALL for the huge mess they make in the process when the ball bounces around. Nicky also doesn’t get punished when he pulls away Jessi’s chair and she falls. My mom knew someone in school who had that happen to her and she had to get taken away on a stretcher because she landed on her spine the wrong way. So, baby-sitters, take some responsibility and discipline the kids! I guess if Karen Brewer doesn’t get punished right, no one will. The kids fall for the circus trick because they are the most gullible children ever and believe an elephant is really outside.
MA at least gets that it’s Vanessa who’s prank-calling and Jessi makes a brief quip and hangs up on her when she calls again. And of course, no mention of telling the kids’ parents!!!!!!!
Chapter 8!
Claudia is excited to go home and mentions that Cathy has left (and we never hear of her again. I guess she was just Claudia’s punching bag in place of Janine for the time being).
Claudia is greeted at home by the welcome wagon of family and some friends and poor Mimi lugs her things out of the car. Someone, help her out! Nope, the elderly stroke victim is stuck carrying Claudia’s stuff. Not cool.
Claudia is made comfy on the living room couch (I did the same thing out of the hospital because stairs were hard) and MA tells her to stay near a phone. Claudia is shocked when Janine surprises her with lots of trendy magazines because she knows Janine only reads nerdy magazines. Sigh. Janine is so nice in this book, buying stuff and tutoring her kid sister. Mimi gives Claudia a Nancy Drew book she doesn’t own and is there to help her in every way, even making her a delicious breakfast.
Claudia says she doesn’t want to drop out of the BSC at all. THEN DON’T! Just be careful and tell the Sobaks you don’t want to sit for their child anymore.
Here’s a weird part. Claudia’s entire homeroom calls her. Albeit, it’s nice, but did you ever have teachers in school who would take ten-fifteen minutes making phone calls to sick students? I didn’t, especially since in middle school we didn’t have block scheduling and were only in each class forty-something minutes. The teacher even lets her speak to friends individually. Whhhhhat.
After the call, Mimi enters with a huge tray (Mimi, stop this heavy lifting T_T). She even puts flowers in a vase on the tray. She then encourages Claudia about physical therapy and gives her very important life lessons, such as how sometimes you have to go through pain to succeed and how accidents are not always preventable. She also encourages Claudia to think more before quitting the BSC. Mimi adorably shouts at the TV during Wheel of Fortune. Whyyyyy did they have to kill her off (in all seriousness, it was therapeutic to have a book about that when going through that myself as a kid, but stiiiiiiiiill she beats all of the other parents combined!). Just pretend Karen doesn’t exist instead to fill up more focus time on characters!
Chapter 9!
Claudia’s cast becomes a piece of art worthy for Louvre consideration and Mimi watches Claudia on the stairs to ensure her safety.
Autograph and Meeting time!
MA makes up one with pictures of cars to represent “auto” in a little ditty. My favorite is Kristy’s “God made the rivers, God made the lakes, God made Claudia…well we all make mistakes.” LOL. Mean and funny all in one. We get no opinion from Claudia on this as all of the other girls laugh and then Mallory randomly announces that autographs are dumb. Weren’t you just laughing at one and making them? Oh, no. It’s not long before the dawn of
PMS, MOOD-SHIFTING MALLORY!!!!!!!
Dawn says Claudia needs to pay her dues (come on, give her a break). She then notes her thoughts about dropping out of the club. Everyone speaks in unison telling her not to (à la The Shining). K Ron returns to her normal self by glaring at Claudia while answering a client call and preparing a verbal rampage that’s only put to a halt by MA asking her if she’s sure. Then Kristy surprisingly says Claudia should see if she misses baby-sitting, rather than telling her to go choke on Ring-Dings and explode in a fire for mentioning quitting.
Mallory creepily mentions that she went into Betsy’s room the day of the accident (shouldn’t she have been watching the eleven children? I doubt they had reason to be in there all together and Mal shouldn’t have been snooping) and saw lots of prank materials.
And of course, Mrs. Sobak calls right then and there for a sitter.
Rant time: Mrs. Sobak made no apology on behalf of her daughter or their unsafe swing set? What if the Kishis didn’t have medical insurance? That’d be a hell of a hospital bill. Plus she had to be hospitalized for an entire week and miss a lot of school. I have to agree with Claudia that she has some nerve calling back for a sitter so nonchalantly. I’d be humiliated that my daughter led the baby-sitter to sit in a swing that she knew was broken and that such an injury had happened at my house. I would not call the baby-sitters again accept to firmly apologize and see if there was anything I could do. She’s damn lucky this isn’t real life, particularly in sue happy America. She may not have known about the swing set, but the incident occurred on her property. She doesn’t seem the least bit sorry that Claudia got hurt! And we KNOW she knows since Mallory stayed to explain.
Mallory says the impression she got from Ma Sobak is that she thinks Betsy is “high-spirited” and doesn’t misbehave. COME ON- so many pranks, no discipline, and an injury to top it all off? We have a very dense parent here. Mallory then begs for the job and after a debate the club decides on an unofficial prank war, which I think is plain foolish. If you want “revenge” on Betsy Sobak or to “teach her a lesson,” report all of her actions to her mother. Every last one. Stress that someone got injured by these actions. There’s some explaining to do (I will not make an I Love Lucy reference, I will not make an I Love Lucy reference, dammit!) Maybe she is so dense about the swing thing because she doesn’t realize it was Betsy’s concoction.
After this plan, Ashley calls Claudia that night. Why?! This is starting to get bizarre. She’s not calling for the homework. She’s just calling. She also made that brief hospital appearance. She’s acting like an ex who can’t get over someone and has to call and see that person even after a breakup. Even making excuses like with the homework. Claudia, run! Even if you break the other leg trying! Ashley lectures Claudia as though she’s a parent, saying that she needs to focus only on her art if she wants to be a professional artist. So no side activities allowed? I can understand “focus more” but “focus only”?I love writing and hope to do it as my career. But I’m not going to give up other things I like to focus on it exclusively! As much as we joke about the BSC’s wages, at least she’s earning some money and learning some responsibility. So Ashley, kindly stfu.
After hanging up from the stalker, Claudia proceeds to ask totally pointless questions like “Would I miss Jamie and the Perkins girls and the Pikes?” No, as soon as you quit you’ll automatically hate children, Claudia. She then says that the prank war is more interesting. I still think this prank war is pure nonsense.
Chapter 10!
Mallory writes a notebook entry and Kristy tacked on a side note saying that Mal should be paid back from the treasury for offering money to the “cause” of the prank war. It’s only $1.50, but K. Ron’s offering compensation, so how can I complain? Anyway, she spent this mass sum paying each triplet 50 cents for renting their pranks.
Claudia’s narration has her taking the prank war way too seriously, talking about how “they were going to win” and “had never had any problem they couldn’t handle before.” Really? If you were going up against a rival in sports and were an athlete, I can understand being pumped, but a prank war against a small child? Oh, girls. To make matters worse, Mal “psychs herself up like boxers before important fights” and thinks about it a lot on her way to the job with Betsy. Dude. Chill out!
“By the time she reached the Sobaks’ she felt prepared- on guard and ready.” Again, enough with the melodrama! I would hate to see these girls dealing with big deal problems in real life if they’re so worried and consumed by a prank war. I picture Mallory collapsing to the ground upon realizing upon getting contacts that they do NOT make them in Azure Hot Fuchsia Sparkle Ribbons nor does the tattoo parlor have a Misty of Chincoteague design (not that she’d ever get a tattoo). I know they want to teach the kid a lesson, but really? If they “lose” and Betsy never learns, they should just not sit for her anymore. It’s not a crime to refuse. They ought to realize that they have the right to refuse service to anyone!
She shows up, Mrs. Sobak again barely glances at her and then leaves. I guess they did meet before on the day of Claudia’s “accident” but come on. Mallory puts on her best grownup voice and makes a snack for Betsy and herself while guilt-tripping the kid after she asks about Claudia. Betsy actually seems apologetic. Mallory plays it smarter than the other sitters by keeping her eyes on Betsy and still not taking any of the cookies despite seeing Betsy eat them. But Betsy seduces hoodwinks Mallory by knowing Wynken, Blynken, and Nod by heart and they recite it together. After this reverie, Mallory lets Betsy leave to go get a book they both like, falling straight into A TRAP! Betsy does a bad ass job of hiding and ringing the doorbell without Mallory finding her before finally shouting, “Boo!” Take that, Margo, this is how it’s done!
Betsy then falls for Mallory’s sneezing powder prank and Mal has a coronary when Betsy spits out a bloody tooth that is…fake. So gullible, kids! They keep playing tricks on each other with fake snakes and things. Shouldn’t it be really, really obvious by now that all of these fake animals and pretty much anything alarming is fake?
Mallory feels embarrassed but admits to having fun, THEN says that Betsy shouldn’t be playing jokes after what happened to Claudia. Then DON’T ENCOURAGE HER!!!!!!! You’ve made it fun to play pranks and lulled her back into a sense of security with them since no one got injured. They’re supposed to be teaching her a lesson, right? FAIL.
Claud finishes the chapter’s narration by saying that the joke war is still a tie. And I still say it’s a terrible idea.
Next Time: Final part! More shenanigans and at last a lesson is actually learned thanks to our friendly neighborhood dictator. Stay tuned!