portrait collection: dawn's book chapters 12-15
This is it guys. Before I begin I'd like to thank everyone for the hilarious comments on the past two installments. Dawn really is one of the most snarkable characters in the series.
part one: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/303784.html
part two: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/303897.html
So. Chapter 12 starts with Dawn saying that she's done something she's not proud of. This is also the first time she's ever told anyone about what she did. Because Dawn would never own up to doing something wrong unless it was for dramatic story-telling purposes. Dawn would totally be the kind of person to marry a politician and then write a tell-all book after they divorce.
Dawn moves to Connecticut with her mom and Jeff after the divorce. Three months have passed before this ~HORRIBLE INCIDENT!!~ occurs, but before Dawn tells us about the incident, she talks about how she and Mary Anne are bffs and that they only thing they disagree about is winter weather. Okay, just wait until Book #31, Dawn. You've been friends for three whole months, I don't think that not hating each other after three months is some kind of big achievement. Well, maybe it is for Dawn. I bet she's used to people hating her after much less time than that, so three months without fighting must seem like a big accomplishment.
In case you were wondering if Dawn is still a bitch, she is. "I didn't talk to Mary Anne about how much I missed my father. First of all, because she's so sensitive and kind she might just burst into tears over it," Dawn tells us. "Secondly, Mary Anne's mother died when she was just a baby. I'd be seeing my father during the summer, but there was no way Mary Anne was ever going to see her mother again." Harsh, Dawn. Just like she tells us Mrs. Winslow has cancer the first time she talks about her, she bluntly states that Mary Anne was never going to see her mom ever. No wonder Mary Anne would probably cry, can you imagine? "Hey Mary Anne I miss my dad. I'm going to see him this summer though, because unlike your mom he's not dead."
They go to a BSCult meeting and Kristy bitches at them for almost being late. It's like she expects them all to just camp out in Claudia's room so they never ever miss a meeting. Anyway, Kristy says they need to go over the basic rules of babysitting. Stacey says they've done that like 308573584 times already and Kristy's like "Well we have to do it again because Dawn didn't write them down." Huh? Why does that matter? Does she expect Dawn to keep the 10 Commandments of Babysitting in her pocket at all times? Dawn is like "um I've babysat before and I saved two kids from a fire so suck on that" but writes them down anyway. Dawn, the stubborn individual.
In case you were wondering, these are the rules: make sure you know the emergency numbers, have instructions on how to reach parents if you need them (so...the first rule basically?), know meal/bedtimes, and mind ya business. Unless one of your charges has self esteem problems or is really shy or just doesn't like to do what you want to do, then you must absolutely butt in I guess.
Conveniently the fourth rule which is only relevant for this chapter of this book and nothing else precedes the actual plot. Some guy named Mr. Lazar wants a sitter for his daughter Sandra. They got a referral from Dr. Johannsen. Kristy says that since Dr. J recommended them, they're okay to take up as clients. Like. They are trusting YOU with THEIR KID and you're worried about if you should do it? Ugh. Plot device-ly, Dawn is the only one available for the job.
Mrs. Lazar tells Dawn to be careful to write down the phone messages because in the past she's had babysitters that made mixups and she wanted to avoid that. Okaaay. Side note: I hate talking on the phone, and I even more hate taking messages for people. Mrs. Lazar makes sure Dawn knows that Sandra has to do half an hour of homework before playing. It never made sense to me that she had to "half an hour" of work. Why not just say she has to do all of it? What if she has more to do, does she just not do it? What does she do if she finishes it all, does she just sit there?
Dawn, being her judgey self, judges this poor seven year old for having trouble reading. "I could see she was getting nervous about reading out loud. When she started to read the story I understood why. Most kids her age could easily read a simple story such as this one. But Sandra couldn't." That is so unnecessary. She is in second grade, and probably dyslexic (she read "swing" for "sing" and "saw" for "was). I hate Dawn. Like... she is a little kid! She has problems reading! Just because most kids her age can do it, that doesn't mean she can! Most kids my age have a social life, but I'm sitting on my ass reading a book meant for children and laughing at it on the internet.
There's a phone call and the person tells her to hold. While Dawn waits, she begins to look at a pile of important papers on the Lazars' desk. Bills, checking statements and letters, aka nothing she should be looking at. She sees a letter from the elementary school about Sandra and reads it. Which she should not be doing. RUDE. Dawn finds out that Sandra is repeating second grade and is like "wow that ttly sux". She helps Sandra finish her homework and Sandra's sad because she doesn't read well. Dawn decides to "make her feel special" by telling all the other kids about the cooking show game they made up together. How would that make her feel special? If anything she should be mad that she came up with this awesome game and now Dawn is telling everyone about it.
Dawn starts to feel bad for snooping but then is like "well i'm her babysitter so i deserve to know!!!" No, Dawn. You don't. You're watching her for a couple of hours while her mom is out, that doesn't mean you "deserve" to know anything. I would get if it was someone Dawn had been sitting for for a long time or a kid she was close to. But this is the first time they've used the club. They JUST met Dawn, why does she think that she would deserve to know anything? She says the information will "make her a better babysitter", somehow. Well, she needs all the help she can get. Dawn thinks that no one knows she did it and she won't tell anyone she did it, so it's not a big deal. She actually says that. I wonder what would happen if someone was like "no one knows I ate that cheeseburger so whats the big deal about eating meat lol".
The next time Dawn sits for Sandra they try reading and Sandra gives up, saying she feels like shit because she can't read and everyone else can. Dawn tells her she has a special problem and that doing second grade over will help!!! Sandra is like "wtf" and Dawn is like "oh shit" because Sandra didn't know. Obviously Dawn is an idiot, so I'm not even going to touch the stupidity of saying that. Sandra is like "bitch i'm gonna be in 3rd grade" and Dawn is like "HAHAHAHA SILLY ME I FORGOT LOL I REMEMBER NOW THX". She then distracts Sandra with kid-kit toys and markers and thinks she got away with it. They make up a song and Dawn's like "your mom's home! Let's go sing to her!" Sandra runs to her mom...
...shouting "MOMMMMMM DAWN SAID I HAVE TO GO TO SECOND GRADE AGAIN." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I JUST. HAHAHAHA. Nothing is funnier than seeing the whole thing blow up in her face. Mrs. Lazar is clearly pissed. I love it. Dawn thinks that Mrs. Lazar is going to call the club and then she'll get kicked out and then we'll never have to read a Dawn book ever...but she never does, and for some reason everyone in the whole club forgets the Lazars existed and don't question that they never call again.
We're back to present time. Sunny comments that Dawn "Conceited" Schafer's autobiography is really long, haha. Then.... Dawn asks Sunny to read her autobiography. This actually happens. WHAT. She spent a good deal of it CRAPPING ALL OVER SUNNY'S FAMILY and now she wants her to read it? If I wrote that shit about my best friend I would absolutely never want her to see it. I want Sunny to read it, get super pissed that Dawn is a grade-A asshole and never speak to her again. Dawn starts to worry about this, but then says that "what Sunny reads won't change her opinion about me". Again: what.
In case anyone cares, Dawn's teacher was higher than Sharon when she graded the autobiographies because Dawn got an A-.
So that's it, my first snark. Hope you all enjoyed it!
part one: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/303784.html
part two: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/303897.html
So. Chapter 12 starts with Dawn saying that she's done something she's not proud of. This is also the first time she's ever told anyone about what she did. Because Dawn would never own up to doing something wrong unless it was for dramatic story-telling purposes. Dawn would totally be the kind of person to marry a politician and then write a tell-all book after they divorce.
Dawn moves to Connecticut with her mom and Jeff after the divorce. Three months have passed before this ~HORRIBLE INCIDENT!!~ occurs, but before Dawn tells us about the incident, she talks about how she and Mary Anne are bffs and that they only thing they disagree about is winter weather. Okay, just wait until Book #31, Dawn. You've been friends for three whole months, I don't think that not hating each other after three months is some kind of big achievement. Well, maybe it is for Dawn. I bet she's used to people hating her after much less time than that, so three months without fighting must seem like a big accomplishment.
In case you were wondering if Dawn is still a bitch, she is. "I didn't talk to Mary Anne about how much I missed my father. First of all, because she's so sensitive and kind she might just burst into tears over it," Dawn tells us. "Secondly, Mary Anne's mother died when she was just a baby. I'd be seeing my father during the summer, but there was no way Mary Anne was ever going to see her mother again." Harsh, Dawn. Just like she tells us Mrs. Winslow has cancer the first time she talks about her, she bluntly states that Mary Anne was never going to see her mom ever. No wonder Mary Anne would probably cry, can you imagine? "Hey Mary Anne I miss my dad. I'm going to see him this summer though, because unlike your mom he's not dead."
They go to a BSCult meeting and Kristy bitches at them for almost being late. It's like she expects them all to just camp out in Claudia's room so they never ever miss a meeting. Anyway, Kristy says they need to go over the basic rules of babysitting. Stacey says they've done that like 308573584 times already and Kristy's like "Well we have to do it again because Dawn didn't write them down." Huh? Why does that matter? Does she expect Dawn to keep the 10 Commandments of Babysitting in her pocket at all times? Dawn is like "um I've babysat before and I saved two kids from a fire so suck on that" but writes them down anyway. Dawn, the stubborn individual.
In case you were wondering, these are the rules: make sure you know the emergency numbers, have instructions on how to reach parents if you need them (so...the first rule basically?), know meal/bedtimes, and mind ya business. Unless one of your charges has self esteem problems or is really shy or just doesn't like to do what you want to do, then you must absolutely butt in I guess.
Conveniently the fourth rule which is only relevant for this chapter of this book and nothing else precedes the actual plot. Some guy named Mr. Lazar wants a sitter for his daughter Sandra. They got a referral from Dr. Johannsen. Kristy says that since Dr. J recommended them, they're okay to take up as clients. Like. They are trusting YOU with THEIR KID and you're worried about if you should do it? Ugh. Plot device-ly, Dawn is the only one available for the job.
Mrs. Lazar tells Dawn to be careful to write down the phone messages because in the past she's had babysitters that made mixups and she wanted to avoid that. Okaaay. Side note: I hate talking on the phone, and I even more hate taking messages for people. Mrs. Lazar makes sure Dawn knows that Sandra has to do half an hour of homework before playing. It never made sense to me that she had to "half an hour" of work. Why not just say she has to do all of it? What if she has more to do, does she just not do it? What does she do if she finishes it all, does she just sit there?
Dawn, being her judgey self, judges this poor seven year old for having trouble reading. "I could see she was getting nervous about reading out loud. When she started to read the story I understood why. Most kids her age could easily read a simple story such as this one. But Sandra couldn't." That is so unnecessary. She is in second grade, and probably dyslexic (she read "swing" for "sing" and "saw" for "was). I hate Dawn. Like... she is a little kid! She has problems reading! Just because most kids her age can do it, that doesn't mean she can! Most kids my age have a social life, but I'm sitting on my ass reading a book meant for children and laughing at it on the internet.
There's a phone call and the person tells her to hold. While Dawn waits, she begins to look at a pile of important papers on the Lazars' desk. Bills, checking statements and letters, aka nothing she should be looking at. She sees a letter from the elementary school about Sandra and reads it. Which she should not be doing. RUDE. Dawn finds out that Sandra is repeating second grade and is like "wow that ttly sux". She helps Sandra finish her homework and Sandra's sad because she doesn't read well. Dawn decides to "make her feel special" by telling all the other kids about the cooking show game they made up together. How would that make her feel special? If anything she should be mad that she came up with this awesome game and now Dawn is telling everyone about it.
Dawn starts to feel bad for snooping but then is like "well i'm her babysitter so i deserve to know!!!" No, Dawn. You don't. You're watching her for a couple of hours while her mom is out, that doesn't mean you "deserve" to know anything. I would get if it was someone Dawn had been sitting for for a long time or a kid she was close to. But this is the first time they've used the club. They JUST met Dawn, why does she think that she would deserve to know anything? She says the information will "make her a better babysitter", somehow. Well, she needs all the help she can get. Dawn thinks that no one knows she did it and she won't tell anyone she did it, so it's not a big deal. She actually says that. I wonder what would happen if someone was like "no one knows I ate that cheeseburger so whats the big deal about eating meat lol".
The next time Dawn sits for Sandra they try reading and Sandra gives up, saying she feels like shit because she can't read and everyone else can. Dawn tells her she has a special problem and that doing second grade over will help!!! Sandra is like "wtf" and Dawn is like "oh shit" because Sandra didn't know. Obviously Dawn is an idiot, so I'm not even going to touch the stupidity of saying that. Sandra is like "bitch i'm gonna be in 3rd grade" and Dawn is like "HAHAHAHA SILLY ME I FORGOT LOL I REMEMBER NOW THX". She then distracts Sandra with kid-kit toys and markers and thinks she got away with it. They make up a song and Dawn's like "your mom's home! Let's go sing to her!" Sandra runs to her mom...
...shouting "MOMMMMMM DAWN SAID I HAVE TO GO TO SECOND GRADE AGAIN." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I JUST. HAHAHAHA. Nothing is funnier than seeing the whole thing blow up in her face. Mrs. Lazar is clearly pissed. I love it. Dawn thinks that Mrs. Lazar is going to call the club and then she'll get kicked out and then we'll never have to read a Dawn book ever...but she never does, and for some reason everyone in the whole club forgets the Lazars existed and don't question that they never call again.
We're back to present time. Sunny comments that Dawn "Conceited" Schafer's autobiography is really long, haha. Then.... Dawn asks Sunny to read her autobiography. This actually happens. WHAT. She spent a good deal of it CRAPPING ALL OVER SUNNY'S FAMILY and now she wants her to read it? If I wrote that shit about my best friend I would absolutely never want her to see it. I want Sunny to read it, get super pissed that Dawn is a grade-A asshole and never speak to her again. Dawn starts to worry about this, but then says that "what Sunny reads won't change her opinion about me". Again: what.
In case anyone cares, Dawn's teacher was higher than Sharon when she graded the autobiographies because Dawn got an A-.
So that's it, my first snark. Hope you all enjoyed it!