Karen's Pen Pal (Chapters 14-20)
AAAGGGHHH sorry I didn't get this to ya'll earlier! Busy superhero is busy. Being a superhero and shiz. Oh and reading lots of Elemental Assassin awww yeah.
BUT HERE IT IS! The exciting conclusion of the Karen's Pen Pal Snark!
Chapter 14
Karen is upset because Maxie's probably gonna wear liekrlykewl clothes and Karen has NONE! WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?! To be honest I think Karen's clothes actually have a lot of Awesomeness Potential and if she'd just learn to mix and match like Claudia (and me!) she'd have no issue whatsoever. I can already think of about 600 sweet outfits I could come up with if I had clothes like Karen's. ANYWHO, (once you get me talking about clothes I just don't. Stop.) she picks out a frilly, lacy party dress to make up for the fact that she has no cool clothes. Even though she knows there's going to be a SPORTS DAY during Pen Pal Day! Wtf, Karen, I don't care how "trendy" you want to look, a formal party dress at a Field Day where you're going to be running around IN DIRT and possibly falling and scraping knees or ankles IN DIRT and sweating all over the place (IN DIRT!) is just asking for trouble (I'm really experienced when it comes to playing in the dirt okay). Even if it's indoors there's still sweat, and the possibility of tearing or ruining the dress with too much vigorous activity it was not made for. Karen gets to school and is all le wtf about the fact that nobody else dressed up--again, seeming to forget there's going to be a fucking field day. My feet start crying and having horrible nightmares when Karen mentions possibly running the 50-yard dash in her formal Mary Jane party shoes. OWWWW. Everyone's going up to Karen all "wtf what's with the party dress" and she has no clever answer for once. Miss Colman gives them some random work to do until THE COMING OF THE PEN PALS *overdramatic trumpet fanfare*
Chapter 15
Karen has an "I must be dreaming" moment because maybe Pen Pal Day's not really going to happen despite it being talked about for the past week. Oh bullfrogs, she's going to have to own up to all her dopey lies now and of course she still believes all that crap Maxie said because she's stupid. Maxie's being a sulky bitch...UH OH LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE TO-O-O-O. Seriously, Karen, you really, really should've seen this coming. Karen finally decides to stop bitching and go talk to her. Even Maxie is struck dumb by the fact that Karen's worn a formal dress to a sports day. They talk about erasers, yadda yadda, and then MORE LYING. Geez, these girls just won't quit will they? Now could be a good time for at least ONE of you to start admitting you were bullshitting, but nope. Karen brags about her nonexistent octopus corpse. (I feel the need to mention that I now sorta want a tiny baby octopus corpse so I could bore a hole through it and wear it around my neck. SCREW BEING NORMAL!). Then Maxie says she wants to see the monkey...I'd love to think she's only trying to humor Karen so she can lulz when Karen finally admits there is no monkey, but it seems to me that nope, Maxie's just as stupid as Karen. I think Karen has officially met her match in this book. COME ON KAREN TELL HER THERE IS NO MONKEY aww dammit, nope. She just tells her that the guinea pig is a substitute while the monkey is away somewhere (away WHERE?). FACE TO THE PALM.
Chapter 16
The pen pals are talking to Miss Colman about how awesome Stoneybrook Academy is and some kid mentions how he likes Hootie, as in the guinea pig and not the nonexistent Bullshit Monkey. Karen's like OHCRAP, I DUN GOOFED UP NOW! But Maxie doesn't say anything about "Hey wtf what do you mean guinea pig Hootie's a monkey." This is the part when I begin to think that Maxie really WAS just humoring Karen and really didn't believe all that bull she was saying. Karen mentions that she and Maxie would have a lot in common if Maxie weren't such a bragger. LOLOLOL. TRUST ME, KAREN, YOU AND MAXIE ARE THE SPITTING FRICKIN' IMAGE OF EACHOTHER. I wonder how many snarks a Maxie book series would get. The kids talk about stuff they do in New York and does anyone actually play stickball in the 1990s, EVEN in New York? Karen says she and Maxie might've been friends if they hadn't done nothing but try to outdo eachother with lies. O RLY?
Chapter 17
Karen was at least smart enough to bring sneakers for the sports day. I find out Karen has plaid sneakers and I am fucking jealous. Karen finds out she and Maxie are both signed up for all the running events. Seriously, I think Karen just dislikes Maxie 'cause she secretly realizes she's met another Karen and another Karen is actually hell to put up with (which means SHE is hell to put up with). Maxie does the 50-yard dash in 8.5 seconds (WAIT WHAT? THAT'S NOT THE 8 SECONDS SHE TOLD ME. shut up karen it's just a .5 it means NOTHING okay). Karen does her dash, and the illustration here shows Hannie and Nancy standing in the background cheering her on...and also wearing party dresses just like Karen's. Even though it was stated in chapter 14 that they're wearing sweatshirts and jeans. OH NO, EVEN THE *ILLUSTRATOR* IS BENDING TO KAREN'S WILL!!! Karen beats Maxie by a second and a half, and I actually feel really happy for her here 'cause I'm thinking about my own "Maxie" from 2 summers ago and how satisfying it actually was to beat her out at just one thing. I didn't sit there and lie to her though. Anyway, Karen and Maxie's classes are tied in all the events and Karen feels it is her duty to be the tiebreaker. Maxie beats Karen in the 100-yard dash and she no longer gives a damn about the fact that she just beat her at the 50-yarder. Karen is not allowed to be beaten at anything by anybody, ever.
Chapter 18
Ah, the relay race. My worst enemy as a kid, and my worst enemy now that I can actually play sports properly. Karen starts realizing she and Maxie are pretty much THE SAME PERSON, but still she must PAY for beating Queen Karen at an event! They race, and it's a ~tie.~ Karen and Maxie entitle themselves to a do-over instantly, without any approval from the coaches or refs. Fuck that shit, 7-YEAR-OLD ATHLETIC PRIDE IS ON THE LINE HERE! They keep tying and keep demanding do-over after do-over (Karen's going to be Al Gore all over again if she ever runs for President. Oh god...Karen running for President...*brain explodes*). Finally karma has them collide with eachother and sprawl out on the ground in front of everybody. Seriously, was it worth the loss of dignity just to break a goddamn tie? While they lie on the floor like dead fish, Karen finally realizes Maxie was bullshitting. That crash must've jiggled her brain's on switch or something. They FINALLY admit their lies. Geez, did it really take a collision to do that? Oh wait, it turned their brains on. Right.
Chapter 19
Karen and Maxie finally become friends and tell eachother the truth and it turns out that hey, they actually find the truth pretty damn awesome. Karen also admits that she's only seven, because somehow she expected Maxie to be very offended by the fact that her pen pal was OMG *ONE* YEAR younger than her. Maxie, as expected, tells her she really doesn't care. It's not like HER second grade classroom doesn't have seven-year-olds in it, for Pete's sake.
I'm going to end the snark here 'cause Chapter 20 is just them sending (truthful!) letters back and forth to eachother and it's not snarkable. So ~THE END~ and they all lived happily ever after until everyone was annihilated by the alien scourge with the few survivors turned into mind-controlled slave-zombies for all eternity. (Write a Little Sister book about THAT.)
BUT HERE IT IS! The exciting conclusion of the Karen's Pen Pal Snark!
Chapter 14
Karen is upset because Maxie's probably gonna wear liekrlykewl clothes and Karen has NONE! WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?! To be honest I think Karen's clothes actually have a lot of Awesomeness Potential and if she'd just learn to mix and match like Claudia (and me!) she'd have no issue whatsoever. I can already think of about 600 sweet outfits I could come up with if I had clothes like Karen's. ANYWHO, (once you get me talking about clothes I just don't. Stop.) she picks out a frilly, lacy party dress to make up for the fact that she has no cool clothes. Even though she knows there's going to be a SPORTS DAY during Pen Pal Day! Wtf, Karen, I don't care how "trendy" you want to look, a formal party dress at a Field Day where you're going to be running around IN DIRT and possibly falling and scraping knees or ankles IN DIRT and sweating all over the place (IN DIRT!) is just asking for trouble (I'm really experienced when it comes to playing in the dirt okay). Even if it's indoors there's still sweat, and the possibility of tearing or ruining the dress with too much vigorous activity it was not made for. Karen gets to school and is all le wtf about the fact that nobody else dressed up--again, seeming to forget there's going to be a fucking field day. My feet start crying and having horrible nightmares when Karen mentions possibly running the 50-yard dash in her formal Mary Jane party shoes. OWWWW. Everyone's going up to Karen all "wtf what's with the party dress" and she has no clever answer for once. Miss Colman gives them some random work to do until THE COMING OF THE PEN PALS *overdramatic trumpet fanfare*
Chapter 15
Karen has an "I must be dreaming" moment because maybe Pen Pal Day's not really going to happen despite it being talked about for the past week. Oh bullfrogs, she's going to have to own up to all her dopey lies now and of course she still believes all that crap Maxie said because she's stupid. Maxie's being a sulky bitch...UH OH LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE TO-O-O-O. Seriously, Karen, you really, really should've seen this coming. Karen finally decides to stop bitching and go talk to her. Even Maxie is struck dumb by the fact that Karen's worn a formal dress to a sports day. They talk about erasers, yadda yadda, and then MORE LYING. Geez, these girls just won't quit will they? Now could be a good time for at least ONE of you to start admitting you were bullshitting, but nope. Karen brags about her nonexistent octopus corpse. (I feel the need to mention that I now sorta want a tiny baby octopus corpse so I could bore a hole through it and wear it around my neck. SCREW BEING NORMAL!). Then Maxie says she wants to see the monkey...I'd love to think she's only trying to humor Karen so she can lulz when Karen finally admits there is no monkey, but it seems to me that nope, Maxie's just as stupid as Karen. I think Karen has officially met her match in this book. COME ON KAREN TELL HER THERE IS NO MONKEY aww dammit, nope. She just tells her that the guinea pig is a substitute while the monkey is away somewhere (away WHERE?). FACE TO THE PALM.
Chapter 16
The pen pals are talking to Miss Colman about how awesome Stoneybrook Academy is and some kid mentions how he likes Hootie, as in the guinea pig and not the nonexistent Bullshit Monkey. Karen's like OHCRAP, I DUN GOOFED UP NOW! But Maxie doesn't say anything about "Hey wtf what do you mean guinea pig Hootie's a monkey." This is the part when I begin to think that Maxie really WAS just humoring Karen and really didn't believe all that bull she was saying. Karen mentions that she and Maxie would have a lot in common if Maxie weren't such a bragger. LOLOLOL. TRUST ME, KAREN, YOU AND MAXIE ARE THE SPITTING FRICKIN' IMAGE OF EACHOTHER. I wonder how many snarks a Maxie book series would get. The kids talk about stuff they do in New York and does anyone actually play stickball in the 1990s, EVEN in New York? Karen says she and Maxie might've been friends if they hadn't done nothing but try to outdo eachother with lies. O RLY?
Chapter 17
Karen was at least smart enough to bring sneakers for the sports day. I find out Karen has plaid sneakers and I am fucking jealous. Karen finds out she and Maxie are both signed up for all the running events. Seriously, I think Karen just dislikes Maxie 'cause she secretly realizes she's met another Karen and another Karen is actually hell to put up with (which means SHE is hell to put up with). Maxie does the 50-yard dash in 8.5 seconds (WAIT WHAT? THAT'S NOT THE 8 SECONDS SHE TOLD ME. shut up karen it's just a .5 it means NOTHING okay). Karen does her dash, and the illustration here shows Hannie and Nancy standing in the background cheering her on...and also wearing party dresses just like Karen's. Even though it was stated in chapter 14 that they're wearing sweatshirts and jeans. OH NO, EVEN THE *ILLUSTRATOR* IS BENDING TO KAREN'S WILL!!! Karen beats Maxie by a second and a half, and I actually feel really happy for her here 'cause I'm thinking about my own "Maxie" from 2 summers ago and how satisfying it actually was to beat her out at just one thing. I didn't sit there and lie to her though. Anyway, Karen and Maxie's classes are tied in all the events and Karen feels it is her duty to be the tiebreaker. Maxie beats Karen in the 100-yard dash and she no longer gives a damn about the fact that she just beat her at the 50-yarder. Karen is not allowed to be beaten at anything by anybody, ever.
Chapter 18
Ah, the relay race. My worst enemy as a kid, and my worst enemy now that I can actually play sports properly. Karen starts realizing she and Maxie are pretty much THE SAME PERSON, but still she must PAY for beating Queen Karen at an event! They race, and it's a ~tie.~ Karen and Maxie entitle themselves to a do-over instantly, without any approval from the coaches or refs. Fuck that shit, 7-YEAR-OLD ATHLETIC PRIDE IS ON THE LINE HERE! They keep tying and keep demanding do-over after do-over (Karen's going to be Al Gore all over again if she ever runs for President. Oh god...Karen running for President...*brain explodes*). Finally karma has them collide with eachother and sprawl out on the ground in front of everybody. Seriously, was it worth the loss of dignity just to break a goddamn tie? While they lie on the floor like dead fish, Karen finally realizes Maxie was bullshitting. That crash must've jiggled her brain's on switch or something. They FINALLY admit their lies. Geez, did it really take a collision to do that? Oh wait, it turned their brains on. Right.
Chapter 19
Karen and Maxie finally become friends and tell eachother the truth and it turns out that hey, they actually find the truth pretty damn awesome. Karen also admits that she's only seven, because somehow she expected Maxie to be very offended by the fact that her pen pal was OMG *ONE* YEAR younger than her. Maxie, as expected, tells her she really doesn't care. It's not like HER second grade classroom doesn't have seven-year-olds in it, for Pete's sake.
I'm going to end the snark here 'cause Chapter 20 is just them sending (truthful!) letters back and forth to eachother and it's not snarkable. So ~THE END~ and they all lived happily ever after until everyone was annihilated by the alien scourge with the few survivors turned into mind-controlled slave-zombies for all eternity. (Write a Little Sister book about THAT.)