Kristy and the Mother's Day Surprise 1-5
So today was my last day of school. I dreamed about snarking two nights in a row. The first night I was bitching at Claudia because she was being an unholy little she demon to Janine again and I was looking for the book to snark, then I remembered I didn’t have the book. Last night I dreamed I was reading the comments on this snark and funnily enough I dreamed about snarking this book a week ago. I also dreamed that I got a pet cat. I’ve loved cats since I was a little girl, but my mom hates them so I can’t have one. Then I woke up and told mom about the dream and she had gotten me a cat as a surprise. I was toying with the name Blackstar and was trying to catch the cat because I couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl. Then I woke up for real, sans cat. This is what happens when you’re born into a family of cat haters.
Chapter 1
Kristy has stopped telling immature jokes about the school lunch and has started being faux-philosophical instead. She’s been thinking a lot about families and wondering what a family is. If a family consists of a mother, father, and two kids, then she’s shit out of luck. Really, Kristy? You think a family is just parents and a few kids? Okay, then what about the Pikes? They’ve got a kid or two. Does this mean they aren’t a family? Do the Pike kids have cage matches to determine who gets to be a member of the family and whoever loses gets kicked out and disowned? What about Mary Anne and Richard? Does that mean she doesn’t have a family because she’s an only child and her mom’s dead? What about people who don’t have children? Do you consider them a family?
Nannie is apparently not a member of Kristy’s family, but instead a one-person family because when you move out of the house you revoke your right to be a member of that family. I suppose Nannie is just a sweet old lady who randomly likes to knit sweaters for the neighborhood kids. Kristy, just because Nannie doesn’t live with you doesn’t mean she isn’t part of the family. What Kristy is trying to say is that her family didn’t start out the way it did now.
After that bit of rubbish, Kristy asks us if we’re confused. This is an early enough book, but it’s book 24. I think we understood what was happening the first three times you explained it. We don’t have Claudia’s intelligence; I don’t think we need a long, drawn out explanation complete with sock puppets that your mom remarried and now you have a stepfather and stepsiblings. It’s not that unusual.
Apparently Kristy is sitting on her bed narrating her life story to us because she has no babysitting jobs. She’s such a dictator that she doesn’t have any friends over and without children to boss around she has nothing to do. I can think of worse hobbies than to narrate your life story at a bored twenty-year old.
Just when Kristy is about to reveal her astonishing life story, someone knocks on the door. It’s Karen. I don’t have the energy to muster up my signature annoyance, although I’m sure I will be getting annoyed at this book. Karen wants to know why Kristy has her door closed because it has not occurred to her that Kristy might want privacy. Seriously, fantasizing about the Babysitter’s Club is something best done in private. Would a seven-year old understand the concept of privacy and personal space if someone explained it to her?
Karen wants to know why Kristy is off fantasizing about how to become an even bigger dictator when she’s over. Kristy should be entertaining her, for Pete’s sake! Kristy apologizes for shutting the door because apparently a thirteen-year old is supposed to be at the beck and call of her little stepsister at all times. I suppose Karen is just excited to spend time with Kristy because when I read the Little Sister books Karen pretty hero-worshipped Kristy. Kristy will train Karen to be a dictator, and then they will rule Stoneybrook and then the world together.
Kristy gives us our standard info-dump. I think my bloody eyes just glazed over after reading about Kristy talking about how oh-so unusual her family is, as if she’s the first kid to have a stepfamily. Kristy falls asleep dreaming about her wonderful family, including the babysitter’s club. When they turn sixteen or a legal age, something will finally be done about this sexual tension. Seriously, Mallory and Jessi had some vibes going on in Hello, Mallory. Mary Anne and Kristy have vibes going on too, but Mary Anne seemed to harbor a torch for Stacey in Boy Crazy Stacey. Let’s not forget that Dawn is also harboring a torch for Mary Anne and is fighting with Kristy over her, although I do think that they may be persuaded to have hate-sex. We all know Abby is crushing on Kristy. Claudia and Stacey may hook up. Stacey seems like the type who’d be down with experimentation. So place your bets. Which shipping will be endgame?
I can’t believe that I got whacked in the head with the autobiographies in chapter one. I thought they would have started the standard chapter two formats by now. What book did chapter two become the infodump?
Chapter 2
Can you all guess what Kristy’s favorite time of the week is? I really shouldn’t have opened chapter 2 with a question. Apparently you shouldn’t open a query with a question because it leads to all sorts of sarcastic answers, and not the one you were expecting. Unless of course you read the Query Shark enough times to know what she’ll say. Come to think of it, school has taught me a lot of useless things.
I don’t mean information that I’ll forget as soon as I walk out of the classroom, I mean information that hinders my learning. For the longest while we were forbidden to use the word “said” in our writing. “Said” was a dirty word. That mean we had to use words like “articulated,” “murmured,” “mumbled,” “questioned,” blah, blah, blah. They taught us that the bigger the word, the better the writing.
Of course I learned that wasn’t true when I became a junior in high school. Some writers have not grasped the concept that less is more, as witnessed by this gem of a line, “Sorry,” Brom apologized. I think if someone says they’re sorry they’re apologizing, but maybe common English rules aren’t in practice wherever the hell Eragon takes place.
Oh yes, Kristy’s favorite time of day is when she gets to run the BSC and think up new ways to exploit the children of Stoneybrook. Oh great, we have more infodump. I thought I’d escaped it. Fuck. I don’t see why Kristy should be president just because the club was her idea. Just because you had the idea doesn’t mean you’ll be the best leader. After Kristy cocked her gun, no one dared to question her right to the presidency. Blah, blah, blah, nothing of interest- when’s the bullshit going to start?
The girls talk about how school will be over in two months. Ha, school was over for me today! Suckers! Kristy realizes that Mother’s Day is coming up in less than three weeks. Mother’s Day is coming up pretty quickly in the real world as well. They haven’t bombarded us with commercials about Mother’s Day. I should probably keep the television off so I’m not bombarded with ads about buying jewelry, flowers, or some sappy movie for my mother.
The topic of Mother’s Day prompts everyone to whine that they can’t think of anything to get their mothers. That’s why I’m a rebel and don’t do anything for Mother’s Day. Why should I let the big companies tell me when I should celebrate having a mother? I will celebrate having a mother every day and not when you decree. Mallory insults her siblings and says they always come up with crap to give Mrs. Pike, because little kids are known to give their mothers luxury cruises as a gift. Does Mallory not understand the meaning of the word sentimental? I taught my younger cousin how to bead. It’s something we bonded over and I’ll usually invite her to go to craft stores with me and advise her on beads. She made me a bracelet for my birthday and I kept it because she was my little cousin and we found something we could share. Mrs. Pike doesn’t need a clay sculpture, but she’ll keep it because her kids made it. Besides, it’s not like your siblings can afford diamond earrings, Mallory.
Jessi tells a funny story about how Becca ate Mrs. Ramsey’s gift one time. Claudia tells them that she’ll get her mother the perfect gift as soon as she thinks of one. Everyone is having a good time until Mary Anne brings the party crashing down by reminding everyone she doesn’t have a mom. Okay. I understand that it would be devastating to lose a parent or a loved one. But sometimes Mary Anne can be a little annoying with the whole, “my mom is dead spiel.” I can understand if Mary Anne’s mother had died recently and she was still trying to get over her death. But Mary Anne’s mother has been dead pretty much her whole life. I can understand if she briefly wondered what it was like to have a mother, but does she have to cry crocodile tears every time the word “mom” is mentioned?
Seriously, why does the world have to tiptoe around Mary Anne’s feelings? She’s not the only person who has lost a mother. But no, the art teacher must not tell the class to do Mother’s Day projects and the commercials about Mother’s Day could conveniently play when Mary Anne isn’t watching TV because she’s the only one in the world who lost a mother and therefore no one is allowed to mention anything to do with moms. Plus, it’s a real moment killer with her friends. Kristy could just be talking about her mom and then Mary Anne will bust out with, “My mom’s dead.” What is Kristy supposed to say? “Sorry we have moms and you don’t?”
Doesn’t Mary Anne see Mrs. Thomas, Mrs. Kishi or Mimi as a surrogate mother? She grew up with them and her mom’s been dead for nearly her whole life. Maybe Mary Anne isn’t coping with the death of her mother very well. If anything to do with mothers sends her into crying fit years after her mom has died, maybe she needs to seek counseling to deal with the grief.
So after that moment killer the phone rings. Claudia lines up with a sitting job with the Newtons, and then they go back to the urgent business of what to get their mothers. Might I suggest breakfast in bed? I’m sure there’s a tray somewhere around the mansion and you can bring cereal to her in bed. My brother and I used to do that for Mother’s Day. You could make her a card. You could buy her flowers. I would go with the card because it’s easier and cheaper than flowers.
No, flowers won’t do. For god’s sake, just go with flowers and a homemade card. You’re thirteen! No one expects you to buy your parents diamonds! They’re your parents. They’ll love your gifts no matter what, and if they don’t it’s not like they’d say it to your face. Wow, this book is boring.
Chapter 3
Charlie is waiting outside for Kristy in the Junk Bucket. He’s been spending his time hanging out with Janine because she blinded him with science and nerd talk. They would become more physical with each other, but they really don’t want to have sex when their little sisters are in the next room. Now they have to find a way to sneak Charlie out of the house because Kristy is keeping tabs on him in case he tries to escape. But Janine is a genius. Sooner or later Charlie will escape and they will be able to go on real dates and not just hang out in Janine’s room and make out.
When Kristy gets home Sam asks her how the hell she can stand babysitting 24/7. Kristy immediately wants to know if a disaster happened, which would include someone spilling the milk. Sam says nothing happened; he’s just worn out. That’s right, Kristy. Not everyone is a robot who can babysit all day and night. Some of us actually need a break from playing with children.
At dinner Elizabeth is emotional and Watson is just a little too enthusiastic. This would lead me to believe my parents were planning some bullshit, but Kristy is still naïve to the ways of parental scheming. To be fair Kristy thinks that Elizabeth and Watson are trying to set an example because there are still some tensions between the families. This would be a good plot point. But instead of reading about the two families adjusting to each other, we have to read about the wackiness of children. Woot woot.
David Michael starts drumming with his silverware and instead of telling him to stop Elizabeth just smiles. Do you guys think something is going on? It’s just so subtle I can’t tell, but I think something is going on. Elizabeth ignores the obnoxiousness and goes on and on about how lucky she is. She talks about how they have all that extra space in the house and I’m pretty sure that even Claudia would have guessed something was up by now.
Sam wants to know if Elizabeth is pregnant. She’s not. Elizabeth asks how they feel about a brother or sister. Kristy is excited about having a little sibling. It would be so nice to have a baby in the house. No it wouldn’t. After the first night of having a baby in the house you will be begging your mother to place the baby on a doorstep.
The little kids do not share Kristy’s enthusiasm. Karen wants to know why they want a baby. They smell. Andrew doesn’t want his position of the youngest to be stolen. Fair enough. David Michael says that babies burp, cry, spit up, soil their diapers, and are generally hard work. Thank you. Babies are not always cute and cuddly. Sometimes they require care. Why is it that little kids can see this but professional babysitters can’t?
Watson says that Elizabeth was just asking about a brother or sister, although I don’t know why you would just ask your kids that. Let’s say you weren’t pregnant and you asked your kids if they wanted a sibling. If they said yes, you wouldn’t use birth control, then? Let’s say the parents were pregnant and they asked the kids how they felt about a sibling. If they hated the idea, that would be kind of awkward. Why are they asking the kids? It’s pretty clear to me they’ll just have the baby no matter what the kids think.
David Michael points out that brothers and sisters start out as babies and Andrew points out that they have enough kids. That’s true. Why don’t you guys try to focus on bonding with each other instead of popping out a brand new kid? Your attention will be absorbed by the baby and the other kids will be jealous. This will just lead to more tensions. Don’t you think it might be kind of hard on Andrew if he loses his place as the youngest? But Elizabeth and Watson don’t think about that.
Kristy, Sam and Charlie don’t think about that either. All Kristy can think about is how nice it will be to have a little sibling. I hate people who act like a baby is always cute and cuddly and fun to play with. You have to take care of them. Doesn’t Kristy realize that the baby will cry through the night and there will be various challenges? Oh no, I forgot. She’s an expert babysitter. She can take care of a baby. Which babysitter do you think will last the longest with a new baby? I don’t count Mallory and Jessi because they’ve got firsthand experience helping with babies? How long do you think each sitter will last?
Boo Boo puts an end to the conversation by jumping up on the table with a dying mole. I don’t know which the better conversation killer is- my mom is dead or a dying mole. Kristy whines some more that she needs something super special for her mother. I already sat through Kristy whining that she needed the perfect gift in Kristy’s Big Day; I am not sitting through this again. Why does she need to make a big production out of gift giving? Just because I’ll make my mom a homemade card and do the housework so she doesn’t have to doesn’t make me any less of a daughter. You don’t need an extravagant gift to prove to your mother that you love her. Hooray, Kristy has a great idea. Of course she can’t pull it off on her own; she’ll need to involve the neighborhood kids.
Chapter 4
Kristy is bouncing up and down in excitement to tell the others her idea. She begs Charlie to drop her off at Claudia’s and Charlie wasn’t about to pass up extra time with Janine, so he agreed. The other girls arrive and Kristy blurts out that she has a big idea. Mallory asks if it’s a bigger idea than the club so Kristy hits her with a brick in a sock yelling, “Nothing is a bigger idea than the club!”
Instead of telling her friend what her idea is right away, she beats around the bush until I want to scream, “Get on with it, already!” For some reason Kristy stops to describe what her friends are wearing. I don’t know why we needed to know that Dawn was wearing a necklace that says “I’m Awesome.” Lies. I should strangle her with that necklace and then take it for myself. Kristy’s idea is to take the kids out to do something fun so the mothers can have a break. That’s really not that big of an idea, Kristy. You are not the first person to have the idea that mothers might want a little break. Good grief, people coddle you, don’t they? Just wait until you get into the real world. You’ll come to a meeting with a great idea only for someone to say that’s really stupid or that someone has thought of that already. Also, suppose the mothers want to spend time with their kids? Suppose the kids were planning to do something for their mothers? Who am I kidding; nobody had any plans for Mother’s Day and if they did, they’d cancel them so they could go along with BSC plans instead.
It turns out Kristy hasn’t ironed out the details of her plan. She just knows she wants to take the kids out but she doesn’t know where. She wants to do it before Mother’s Day so they can spend Mother’s Day with- Kristy’s about to say mothers, but she notices Mary Anne is about to burst into tears and changes it to families. For crying out loud, how long will people have to tiptoe around Mary Anne’s feelings? She’s not the only one who has lost a loved one. Do you think they constantly bring up that their mother/father/sister/brother/grandmother/grandfather is dead and expects everyone to walk on eggshells around them?
Kristy doesn’t know if they have the money to pay for this outing. So Kristy doesn’t know what she wants to do or if she has enough money. Why was she making such a big deal out of this idea? It’s a really common idea and she hasn’t ironed out the details. Does everyone just tell Kristy her ideas are good no matter what? Sometimes they suck and aren’t properly planned out. Sometimes it’s just common sense. I’m thirsty right now. If Kristy told me that I should get something to drink, I wouldn’t hail her as a genius.
They try to think up something to do, but there’s really nothing to do in Stoneybrook. Why didn’t Kristy at least brainstorm some ideas before she went to the meeting? I would have been like, “So you want to take the kids somewhere, but you don’t know where and you’re not sure of the exact date or if we have the money. Yeah, why don’t you get back to me when you plan your great idea out better?”
Claudia gets the idea to send out invitations to the clients. Kristy didn’t think to send out invitations or notices? Then how did she expect everyone to know about her present? Was she just going to show up at the door and say, “Hi, I’m kidnapping your kid for a while. I know that you don’t really want to spend time with them. I’m a much better parent than you can ever be, so I’ll just take them off your hands. Ta!”
Kristy thinks that they should get the fathers involved. That’s right. Fathers are such lazy heartless bastards that they wouldn’t lift a finger to help with Mother’s Day or raising their own kid unless a thirteen-year-old told them to. For shame. I would laugh so hard if one of the parents said to Kristy, “We already have plans. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you’ve been hanging around my kids a bit too much. It’s a little unsettling.”
Jessi, Kristy, and Mallory’s troubles with Mother’s Day are solved. Jessi and Mallory are piggybacking off Kristy’s not-so-great idea instead of coming up with gifts on their own. For crying out loud, flowers! A poem! Your gift does not have to be extravagant! Why don’t you grasp the concept of heartfelt gifts?
Poor Claudia and Dawn have to make their gifts because their siblings would not be able to go to the outing, wherever it is. Claudia will have to make something for her mother. I’m pretty sure she would have done that anyway. She would have made a collage using all of Mrs. Kishi’s favorite things, or things that reminded Claudia of her mother or something along those lines. Dawn asks Claudia for help, because an individual can’t make a present for her mom on her own. I don’t think an individual would be getting swept up in this rampant commercialism but maybe I have a different definition of individual than Dawn.
Chapter 5
Sitting job. I get ready to skim. Claudia finds out where they can have the outing. She sees a poster for a carnival that’s coming to Stoneybrook on Mother’s Day weekend. Jamie’s parents can’t take him. If that’s the case, why would they leave the poster in plain view? He’s four. That seems kind of mean. Maybe they were praying that Claudia would see the poster and tell Kristy so she could organize a carnival for the kids. They have nothing better to do. I’m not even being sarcastic. They really don’t. So Claudia has come up with the two good ideas. She’s the one who came up with invitations, and she’s the one who came up with the activity. Does Kristy just say, “I have a really vague idea. You guys iron out the details and then I’ll take all the glory?”