Karen's Pen Pal (Chapters 7-13)
I had a hellish morning and I need some cheering up. Continuing this snark will cheer me up.
Chapter 7
Maxie writes to Karen that she gets to wear contacts instead of glasses and Karen immediately wtfs because she's not allowed to have contact lenses. Contact lenses are scary little stick-to-the-eye mofos and if I needed them I'd MUCH MUCH prefer the glasses, but that's just me. Maxie also sends her a picture of her wearing trendy clothes and earrings. Shit is about to hit the fan and we all know it. In addition to that Maxie is a pitcher for her little league team and has shells Karen doesn't have--she is, to quote Karen, "MAXIE TO THE MAX." Maxie's nice enough to send Karen one of her shells, which Karen doesn't have, but Karen doesn't care at this point because screw her, how dare she have more than Almighty Karen Brewer??? MAXIE HAS DEFEATED THE QUEEN OF THE HUMBLEBRAG, AND NOW IT'S *WAR!* Karen half-asses a letter back because it's homework and quietly rages. She then decides she doesn't actually have to tell Maxie the truth, and writes back that she has 8 best friends and her class has a monkey. At the tender age of 7, Karen is already learning the basics of communicating over the Internet.
Chapter 8
Karen's math paper gets hit with a spitball and Miss Colman doesn't do a damn thing about punishing the perpetrator, she just throws it away and goes ahead talking about the pen pals. I mean seriously, not even a warning or a scolding. Great teaching there. While everyone talks about how great their pen pals all Karen quietly rages about what a bitch Maxie is. Karen thinks over about how she and Maxie have both contributed to some pretty ginormous episodes of bragging, and then forgets about it when Miss Colman mentions they're going to have a sports day at her class, because now she has a place to outshine the ENTIRE second grade! EAT THAT, MAXIE!
Chapter 9
Karen holds a practice round for the Sports Celebration with Hannie and Nancy, and then they have to go home, leaving her to do nothing but read over Maxie's newest episode of Holier Than Thou. The first thing Maxie talks about is their class pet cat. Yeah, a pet cat running around a classroom sounds oh so sanitary and oh so considerate to those who have cat allergies. But there are no health inspectors in BSC-verse, so this MUST be true! Maxie also talks about her Rockstar Magician Dad. Uh-oh, Karen, better step your game up! Heaven forbid this girl have more things than you!!! Karen takes the bait and writes back about her father's CASTLE. Karen has once again scored another point against Maxie in The Great Holier Than Thou War.
Chapter 10
This chapter consists entirely of Karen and Maxie bragging back and forth to eachother. THE GREAT HOLIER THAN THOU WAR HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! Maxie talks about her 13 available bedrooms and 13 available color TVs. Karen tells her about her pet alligators in the castle moat. Maxie replies by talking about how she's actually a ~movie star!~ This should be enough to mortally wound Karen, but the little determinator just keeps on trucking. She talks about the book she wrote about her life (a sort of predecessor to Karen's Autobiography, maybe?) and its two million sales. Karen can run the 50-yard dash in 8 and a half seconds. Maxie can do it in 8 seconds. Karen takes it back and says oops, she can run it in 7 seconds now. After Maxie asks her how many sit-ups she can do, she avoids the question 'cause she hasn't practiced sit-ups yet, and gives up. Do these girls seriously believe all this stuff about eachother? I mean come on, each new letter is a direct contradiction to the old one!
Chapter 11
Karen, Ricky, and Hank are playing with a perfume bottle until Miss Colman comes in and tells them to cut that mess out. She then tells the class that their pen pals are going to be coming over to Stoneybrook Academy from New York so the class can get acquainted with them. UH-OH. THERE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A FATAL FLAW IN KAREN'S WAR STRATEGY. Karen immediately thinks of the class monkey that doesn't exist. The illustration shows everyone in the class looking super-happy while Karen is just like "Please kill me." And then it turns out that the Sports Celebration--y'know, the one where Karen lied about being able to run 7 seconds--is going to take place when the pen pals come in.
OHSHI-
Chapter 12
Karen writes to Maxie double-checking to make sure she's gonna be at pen pal day, and thinking about how maybe she won't be able to come because she really and truly believes this girl is a movie star with a rockstar-doctor father. In the letters that follow, Karen comes up with some excuses to cover herself, and WELL WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT, Maxie appears to be doing the same thing! HMMMM, WHAT A KOWINKY-DINK. Karen finally decides to send the first truthful thing she's sent Maxie in a long time and talk about her multitude of pets. Once again, she's resorted to truthful humblebragging upon discovering the fatal flaw in her original plan. Maxie replies to talk about her tortoises and her guinea pigs and her snails and her fish. Karen sends her a bullshit "Hi, bye" letter after that and rages about how much of a horrible meanie bragger she is, even though she's the one who started the brag chain in the first fucking place.
Chapter 13
Karen is practicing the 50-yard dash and has tied with Maxie's record, but of course that's not good enough for her. Oh no, she has to completely LIQUIFY Maxie in order to be truly satisfied! She and Hannie and Nancy talk about their pen pals and she is very, very, VERY reluctant to say anything about Maxie...probably 'cause she's secretly conscious that all it would take is one introduction of just one likable new girl for Hannie and Nancy to FINALLY tell Karen to take a freaking hike. The chapter ends with Karen still seething about Maxie.
Last chapters coming whenever.
Chapter 7
Maxie writes to Karen that she gets to wear contacts instead of glasses and Karen immediately wtfs because she's not allowed to have contact lenses. Contact lenses are scary little stick-to-the-eye mofos and if I needed them I'd MUCH MUCH prefer the glasses, but that's just me. Maxie also sends her a picture of her wearing trendy clothes and earrings. Shit is about to hit the fan and we all know it. In addition to that Maxie is a pitcher for her little league team and has shells Karen doesn't have--she is, to quote Karen, "MAXIE TO THE MAX." Maxie's nice enough to send Karen one of her shells, which Karen doesn't have, but Karen doesn't care at this point because screw her, how dare she have more than Almighty Karen Brewer??? MAXIE HAS DEFEATED THE QUEEN OF THE HUMBLEBRAG, AND NOW IT'S *WAR!* Karen half-asses a letter back because it's homework and quietly rages. She then decides she doesn't actually have to tell Maxie the truth, and writes back that she has 8 best friends and her class has a monkey. At the tender age of 7, Karen is already learning the basics of communicating over the Internet.
Chapter 8
Karen's math paper gets hit with a spitball and Miss Colman doesn't do a damn thing about punishing the perpetrator, she just throws it away and goes ahead talking about the pen pals. I mean seriously, not even a warning or a scolding. Great teaching there. While everyone talks about how great their pen pals all Karen quietly rages about what a bitch Maxie is. Karen thinks over about how she and Maxie have both contributed to some pretty ginormous episodes of bragging, and then forgets about it when Miss Colman mentions they're going to have a sports day at her class, because now she has a place to outshine the ENTIRE second grade! EAT THAT, MAXIE!
Chapter 9
Karen holds a practice round for the Sports Celebration with Hannie and Nancy, and then they have to go home, leaving her to do nothing but read over Maxie's newest episode of Holier Than Thou. The first thing Maxie talks about is their class pet cat. Yeah, a pet cat running around a classroom sounds oh so sanitary and oh so considerate to those who have cat allergies. But there are no health inspectors in BSC-verse, so this MUST be true! Maxie also talks about her Rockstar Magician Dad. Uh-oh, Karen, better step your game up! Heaven forbid this girl have more things than you!!! Karen takes the bait and writes back about her father's CASTLE. Karen has once again scored another point against Maxie in The Great Holier Than Thou War.
Chapter 10
This chapter consists entirely of Karen and Maxie bragging back and forth to eachother. THE GREAT HOLIER THAN THOU WAR HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! Maxie talks about her 13 available bedrooms and 13 available color TVs. Karen tells her about her pet alligators in the castle moat. Maxie replies by talking about how she's actually a ~movie star!~ This should be enough to mortally wound Karen, but the little determinator just keeps on trucking. She talks about the book she wrote about her life (a sort of predecessor to Karen's Autobiography, maybe?) and its two million sales. Karen can run the 50-yard dash in 8 and a half seconds. Maxie can do it in 8 seconds. Karen takes it back and says oops, she can run it in 7 seconds now. After Maxie asks her how many sit-ups she can do, she avoids the question 'cause she hasn't practiced sit-ups yet, and gives up. Do these girls seriously believe all this stuff about eachother? I mean come on, each new letter is a direct contradiction to the old one!
Chapter 11
Karen, Ricky, and Hank are playing with a perfume bottle until Miss Colman comes in and tells them to cut that mess out. She then tells the class that their pen pals are going to be coming over to Stoneybrook Academy from New York so the class can get acquainted with them. UH-OH. THERE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A FATAL FLAW IN KAREN'S WAR STRATEGY. Karen immediately thinks of the class monkey that doesn't exist. The illustration shows everyone in the class looking super-happy while Karen is just like "Please kill me." And then it turns out that the Sports Celebration--y'know, the one where Karen lied about being able to run 7 seconds--is going to take place when the pen pals come in.
OHSHI-
Chapter 12
Karen writes to Maxie double-checking to make sure she's gonna be at pen pal day, and thinking about how maybe she won't be able to come because she really and truly believes this girl is a movie star with a rockstar-doctor father. In the letters that follow, Karen comes up with some excuses to cover herself, and WELL WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT, Maxie appears to be doing the same thing! HMMMM, WHAT A KOWINKY-DINK. Karen finally decides to send the first truthful thing she's sent Maxie in a long time and talk about her multitude of pets. Once again, she's resorted to truthful humblebragging upon discovering the fatal flaw in her original plan. Maxie replies to talk about her tortoises and her guinea pigs and her snails and her fish. Karen sends her a bullshit "Hi, bye" letter after that and rages about how much of a horrible meanie bragger she is, even though she's the one who started the brag chain in the first fucking place.
Chapter 13
Karen is practicing the 50-yard dash and has tied with Maxie's record, but of course that's not good enough for her. Oh no, she has to completely LIQUIFY Maxie in order to be truly satisfied! She and Hannie and Nancy talk about their pen pals and she is very, very, VERY reluctant to say anything about Maxie...probably 'cause she's secretly conscious that all it would take is one introduction of just one likable new girl for Hannie and Nancy to FINALLY tell Karen to take a freaking hike. The chapter ends with Karen still seething about Maxie.
Last chapters coming whenever.