Claudia and Crazy Peaches (chapters 1-3)
Heyo! In spite of my adoration for this comm and everything it stands for, I have recapped a grand total of one book here. Like, three years ago. And it took me forever. So I really have nothing to lose by taking a crack at another one.
Claudia and Crazy Peaches is one of those BSC books I only read once, back when I was too young to understand some of the finer points, so rereading it today meant I caught a lot of things I missed the first time around. The subject matter makes it kind of tricky to snark, but we’re all creative souls here, right?
And dude. It’s a Claudia book, which means awful spelling and amazing outfit descriptions. I can’t lie, Claud was always my favorite even though she’s not the freshest Ring-Ding in the box.
Yeah, you're welcome.
So, here's the cover!
I can't even hate. It's Claudia and her presumably crazy Aunt Peaches sporting some pretty dapper duds and rocking hipster mustaches before they were cool. Bonus points for Claudia actually looking like a teenager and the cover artist having an eye for continuity: the stained glass windows in the background are the same ones we see on the cover of Claudia and the Sad Goodbye.
Chapter 1
Our humble ghostwriters are Jahnna Beecham and Malcolm Hillgartner, collectively known in some of the literary world's more esoteric circles as Jahnna N. Malcolm. To me, they will always be the geniuses behind the Bad News Ballet series.
Nor do they disappoint here. On the very first page, we get Claudia dispensing words of wisdom such as "if you can't eat it or wear it--paint it" (I feel like there are a few holes in this philosophy, but whatever) and talking about her collection of glitter-and-puff-paint bedecked sneakers. Despite having a serious case of the Mondays, she pulls herself together and slips on baggy jeans with an extra-long belt, a pinstriped vest, and "purple high-tops and a black derby with and pink-and-purple hatband" which makes her sound like a very retro butler. But of course on her it all looks so amazeballs it would bring Tim Gunn to his knees.
As of this book, Stacey's current bedpost notch is called Robert Brewster and Claud is still running her incredibly sketchy-sounding matchmaking column in their middle-school newspaper. So they meet up to walk to school and Claudia merrily takes Stacey's arm and is all, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm glad it's just you and me today!" and tells Stacey about her current art project, which is a sculpture made of non-biodegradable substances she's calling Forever Yours.
I, uh, actually think this is kind of clever. Somewhere, Dawn is collapsing facefirst into her tofu burger and calling for organic smelling salts.
The day drags by for Claud because her mother told her earlier that Aunt Peaches is going to be calling that afternoon with some big news and our valiant protagonist just can't stop ruminating on how fun and awesome Peaches is. We learn that Mrs. Kishi's name is Rioko and Peaches's actual name is Miyoshi, but her husband Russ stuck her with the nickname Peaches because he and his patriarchal infantilizing ways are everything that is wrong with America today. He's also a ginger. Claudia thinks his grandparents were Irish. I think Russ is one of those overgrown brosephs who gets trashed on St. Patrick's Day and shoots their mouth off about how they totally feel for their Irish brethren, makes terrible jokes about Lucky Charms, then throws their back out from slipping in a puddle of green beer while trying to start a brawl.
Apparently Russ once rode a golf cart through a storm--with a broken ankle, mind you--just to check on Claud and her family. I stand by my theory.
Right, so Peaches calls and is all "haaaay, the BSC better put Russ and me on their client list, winkwinknudgenudge!" and Claudia doesn't get what she's on about because Russ and Peaches don't even have any k--
Yep, so that happened. Peaches has a bun in the oven, Claudia is slow on the uptake, and her belated euphoria carries us right into...
Chapter 2
...where she kicks off a BSC meeting by singing "Rock-a-Bye Baby" and vacuuming her room, of all things. Kristy is gobsmacked. There is the obligatory infodump. Claudia very charitably notes that "sometimes Kristy can be stubborn and bossy, but I guess that goes with being a leader."
Stacey's middle name is Elizabeth? I don't think I knew that. And you'll never guess where she's from, guys. Go on, guess!
Mary Anne cries at TV commercials. I'm willing to bet they involve Sarah McLachlan and the SPCA. Dawn eats rabbit food and is currently in California. Shannon is smart and cute and moonlights as an extra on Gossip Girl. Mal and Jessi have tons in common and go berserk over horse books (Claud's words, not mine), but you'd never mistake them for twins. Guess why! No, really, do it!
The meeting commences and who should call but a new client, mother of a seven-year-old named--wait for it--Natalie Springer of sniffling, saggy-socked fame! Kristy mentions Natalie is a friend of Karen's, but doesn't Karen kind of treat Natalie like dirt, or at least make disparaging remarks about her behind her back? I hope this doesn't mean an imminent Karen appearance.
Claudia says she'll take the job, spewing chocolate-covered peanuts everywhere in the process. Say what you will about how gross that is, but I live for the rare occasions when the girls manage to squeak in little doses of of reality, exhibiting the sort of behavior far more befitting of a thirteen-year-old than, say, organizing a neighborhood talent show between episodes of I Love Lucy.
At the end of the meeting, Claudia announces she's getting a new cousin and everyone squees and falls onto her bed "in one big happy heap" because apparently baby-making urges are contagious or something. I hope the walls are thick and that Janine at least has earplugs.
Chapter 3
Peaches calls again and announces she and Russ are moving to a larger house in...Stoneybrook! They managed to sell their house, but have to be out within the next couple weeks and can't move into their new place until a month after then, so in the meantime they'll be crashing at Chez Kishi, at the insistence of Claud's mother. Is that normal, having to move out before you have a place to move into? Couldn't they tell the buyer to calm their tits and wait a few more weeks?
At any rate, Claud is stoked. Russ is going to take the train to work, but Peaches quit her job to get used to the stay-at-home experience. Apparently she used to work for an advertising firm and "was always coming up with wacky ideas for selling toys and weird household projects."
For some reason, I have a feeling Peaches and Sharon would be BFFs in a heartbeat. I also think Kristy might begrudge Peaches these no-doubt-very-Great Ideas, but anyone who gets Kristy in a tizzy is a-okay in my book.
This news is so exciting that Claudia stops mashing her peas (to match her mashed potatoes, AND YES, SHE ACTUALLY SAYS THIS, BECAUSE SHE'S SUDDENLY FIVE OR WHATEVER) and starts gushing about looking through baby name books and baby catalogues, whereas buzzkill Janine fangirls over that fucking terrifying Miracle of Life video I dimly recall being forced to watch at the tender age of thirteen (BECAUSE TURNING THIRTEEN DOES NOT IN FACT MEAN ONE IS A GROWNUP). "Watch" being a very general term, since I caught approximately three seconds (through my fingers) and promptly decided that was more than enough.
Clearly, I was not cut out to be a BSC member because pregnancy and birth give me the creeps like nothing else. Motherhood is glorious and natural and all that jazz, but it's not for the faint of heart. I prefer to believe babies are brought by storks who see to it that all sproglets are potty-trained from the start.
It boggles the mind that the woefully incompetent baby-shaking stork is one of the least horrifying parts of Dumbo, but I digress. (For real, though, the ringmaster writhes around in his bed and moans about climaxes while being incepted by a mouse who runs around without pants. What fresh fuckery even is this? Let's not even touch on the crows, clowns, drunkenness, or cycle of oppression.)
Claudia springs from the table, grudgingly admitting to herself that for once Janine's attempt to connect everything to science might actually be kind of cool, and calls the BSC so they can start smothering Peaches in baby supplies (as suggested by Stacey), fitness regimens (Kristy), a mother's journal (Mallory), classical music tapes so the baby will develop refined tastes and a sense of rhythm (Jessi), French so the baby will be bilingual from the get-go (Shannon, and I won't even get into a LANGUAGE ACQUISITION DOESN'T QUITE WORK THAT WAY tangent) and a blanket knitted by Claudia herself (once Mary Anne teaches her how, and I can't even make fun of this since Mimi taught Mary Anne to knit and it really is a sweet idea). Isn't it cool how everyone's ideas match up with their character traits so perfectly? It's almost like good ol' Jahnna N. Malcolm planned it that way.
Logan lols at how the BSC is going to take over the whole process and Peaches won't have to do a thing. Logan is a smart cookie.
Dawn whines over the phone that she hates all of them because they'll be having so much fun without her.
Shut up, Dawn.
Claudia and Crazy Peaches is one of those BSC books I only read once, back when I was too young to understand some of the finer points, so rereading it today meant I caught a lot of things I missed the first time around. The subject matter makes it kind of tricky to snark, but we’re all creative souls here, right?
And dude. It’s a Claudia book, which means awful spelling and amazing outfit descriptions. I can’t lie, Claud was always my favorite even though she’s not the freshest Ring-Ding in the box.
Click to viewYeah, you're welcome.
So, here's the cover!
I can't even hate. It's Claudia and her presumably crazy Aunt Peaches sporting some pretty dapper duds and rocking hipster mustaches before they were cool. Bonus points for Claudia actually looking like a teenager and the cover artist having an eye for continuity: the stained glass windows in the background are the same ones we see on the cover of Claudia and the Sad Goodbye.
Chapter 1
Our humble ghostwriters are Jahnna Beecham and Malcolm Hillgartner, collectively known in some of the literary world's more esoteric circles as Jahnna N. Malcolm. To me, they will always be the geniuses behind the Bad News Ballet series.
Nor do they disappoint here. On the very first page, we get Claudia dispensing words of wisdom such as "if you can't eat it or wear it--paint it" (I feel like there are a few holes in this philosophy, but whatever) and talking about her collection of glitter-and-puff-paint bedecked sneakers. Despite having a serious case of the Mondays, she pulls herself together and slips on baggy jeans with an extra-long belt, a pinstriped vest, and "purple high-tops and a black derby with and pink-and-purple hatband" which makes her sound like a very retro butler. But of course on her it all looks so amazeballs it would bring Tim Gunn to his knees.
As of this book, Stacey's current bedpost notch is called Robert Brewster and Claud is still running her incredibly sketchy-sounding matchmaking column in their middle-school newspaper. So they meet up to walk to school and Claudia merrily takes Stacey's arm and is all, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm glad it's just you and me today!" and tells Stacey about her current art project, which is a sculpture made of non-biodegradable substances she's calling Forever Yours.
I, uh, actually think this is kind of clever. Somewhere, Dawn is collapsing facefirst into her tofu burger and calling for organic smelling salts.
The day drags by for Claud because her mother told her earlier that Aunt Peaches is going to be calling that afternoon with some big news and our valiant protagonist just can't stop ruminating on how fun and awesome Peaches is. We learn that Mrs. Kishi's name is Rioko and Peaches's actual name is Miyoshi, but her husband Russ stuck her with the nickname Peaches because he and his patriarchal infantilizing ways are everything that is wrong with America today. He's also a ginger. Claudia thinks his grandparents were Irish. I think Russ is one of those overgrown brosephs who gets trashed on St. Patrick's Day and shoots their mouth off about how they totally feel for their Irish brethren, makes terrible jokes about Lucky Charms, then throws their back out from slipping in a puddle of green beer while trying to start a brawl.
Apparently Russ once rode a golf cart through a storm--with a broken ankle, mind you--just to check on Claud and her family. I stand by my theory.
Right, so Peaches calls and is all "haaaay, the BSC better put Russ and me on their client list, winkwinknudgenudge!" and Claudia doesn't get what she's on about because Russ and Peaches don't even have any k--
Yep, so that happened. Peaches has a bun in the oven, Claudia is slow on the uptake, and her belated euphoria carries us right into...
Chapter 2
...where she kicks off a BSC meeting by singing "Rock-a-Bye Baby" and vacuuming her room, of all things. Kristy is gobsmacked. There is the obligatory infodump. Claudia very charitably notes that "sometimes Kristy can be stubborn and bossy, but I guess that goes with being a leader."
Stacey's middle name is Elizabeth? I don't think I knew that. And you'll never guess where she's from, guys. Go on, guess!
Mary Anne cries at TV commercials. I'm willing to bet they involve Sarah McLachlan and the SPCA. Dawn eats rabbit food and is currently in California. Shannon is smart and cute and moonlights as an extra on Gossip Girl. Mal and Jessi have tons in common and go berserk over horse books (Claud's words, not mine), but you'd never mistake them for twins. Guess why! No, really, do it!
The meeting commences and who should call but a new client, mother of a seven-year-old named--wait for it--Natalie Springer of sniffling, saggy-socked fame! Kristy mentions Natalie is a friend of Karen's, but doesn't Karen kind of treat Natalie like dirt, or at least make disparaging remarks about her behind her back? I hope this doesn't mean an imminent Karen appearance.
Claudia says she'll take the job, spewing chocolate-covered peanuts everywhere in the process. Say what you will about how gross that is, but I live for the rare occasions when the girls manage to squeak in little doses of of reality, exhibiting the sort of behavior far more befitting of a thirteen-year-old than, say, organizing a neighborhood talent show between episodes of I Love Lucy.
At the end of the meeting, Claudia announces she's getting a new cousin and everyone squees and falls onto her bed "in one big happy heap" because apparently baby-making urges are contagious or something. I hope the walls are thick and that Janine at least has earplugs.
Chapter 3
Peaches calls again and announces she and Russ are moving to a larger house in...Stoneybrook! They managed to sell their house, but have to be out within the next couple weeks and can't move into their new place until a month after then, so in the meantime they'll be crashing at Chez Kishi, at the insistence of Claud's mother. Is that normal, having to move out before you have a place to move into? Couldn't they tell the buyer to calm their tits and wait a few more weeks?
At any rate, Claud is stoked. Russ is going to take the train to work, but Peaches quit her job to get used to the stay-at-home experience. Apparently she used to work for an advertising firm and "was always coming up with wacky ideas for selling toys and weird household projects."
For some reason, I have a feeling Peaches and Sharon would be BFFs in a heartbeat. I also think Kristy might begrudge Peaches these no-doubt-very-Great Ideas, but anyone who gets Kristy in a tizzy is a-okay in my book.
This news is so exciting that Claudia stops mashing her peas (to match her mashed potatoes, AND YES, SHE ACTUALLY SAYS THIS, BECAUSE SHE'S SUDDENLY FIVE OR WHATEVER) and starts gushing about looking through baby name books and baby catalogues, whereas buzzkill Janine fangirls over that fucking terrifying Miracle of Life video I dimly recall being forced to watch at the tender age of thirteen (BECAUSE TURNING THIRTEEN DOES NOT IN FACT MEAN ONE IS A GROWNUP). "Watch" being a very general term, since I caught approximately three seconds (through my fingers) and promptly decided that was more than enough.
Clearly, I was not cut out to be a BSC member because pregnancy and birth give me the creeps like nothing else. Motherhood is glorious and natural and all that jazz, but it's not for the faint of heart. I prefer to believe babies are brought by storks who see to it that all sproglets are potty-trained from the start.
It boggles the mind that the woefully incompetent baby-shaking stork is one of the least horrifying parts of Dumbo, but I digress. (For real, though, the ringmaster writhes around in his bed and moans about climaxes while being incepted by a mouse who runs around without pants. What fresh fuckery even is this? Let's not even touch on the crows, clowns, drunkenness, or cycle of oppression.)
Claudia springs from the table, grudgingly admitting to herself that for once Janine's attempt to connect everything to science might actually be kind of cool, and calls the BSC so they can start smothering Peaches in baby supplies (as suggested by Stacey), fitness regimens (Kristy), a mother's journal (Mallory), classical music tapes so the baby will develop refined tastes and a sense of rhythm (Jessi), French so the baby will be bilingual from the get-go (Shannon, and I won't even get into a LANGUAGE ACQUISITION DOESN'T QUITE WORK THAT WAY tangent) and a blanket knitted by Claudia herself (once Mary Anne teaches her how, and I can't even make fun of this since Mimi taught Mary Anne to knit and it really is a sweet idea). Isn't it cool how everyone's ideas match up with their character traits so perfectly? It's almost like good ol' Jahnna N. Malcolm planned it that way.
Logan lols at how the BSC is going to take over the whole process and Peaches won't have to do a thing. Logan is a smart cookie.
Dawn whines over the phone that she hates all of them because they'll be having so much fun without her.
Shut up, Dawn.