#71 Claudia and the Perfect Boy Part Three
Hoooooooome stretch… we’re two-thirds of the way through the book. Where are all the Claudia outfits? Why hasn’t Claudia gone on one date yet? Where's the perfect boy? Never fear; all will be explained after the jump!
Part 1: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/271160.html#cutid1
Part 2: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/271542.html#cutid1
Chapter 10! Claudia is upset because her mother will not drop her off at the Rosebud Café before she meets her date. I’d say Claud’s incredibly lucky to be given a ride to her date and should stop complaining… but then again no grown-ups or even older teenagers in Stonybrook seem to mind driving the babysitters all over creation, so what do I know? I’m surprised she didn’t have Kristy make Charlie drive her. And I don’t see anything unreasonable in an eighth grader meeting her blind date in front of her mom, just in case said blind date turns out to be a 65-year-old pervert.
Incidentally, with all the Very Special Lessons the BSC novels imparted over the years, didn’t they even once have a Very Special Don’t Talk to Strangers Because Some of Them are Perverts novel? The closest I can remember was Buddy Barrett being kidnapped by his own father for a few hours.
Anyway, Claudia gets out of the car and ushers her date, one Brian Hall, out to meet her mother. He says hello and introduces himself. Thus satisfied of her daughter’s safety, Mrs. Kishi drives away. It would serve her right if Brian Hall had a whole queue of murderers waiting inside, but he does not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKLuLkLw20Y
Fig. 10a, a queue of murderers!
And huzzah, we have a Claudia outfit! “I’d settled on a long white shirt under a green tapestry vest, green corduroy pants, and low boots. Apparently this outfit took her “hours” to put it together. It’s kind of tame but I’ll draw it anyway:
Fig 10b: Claudia’s First Date outfit… not so bad akshually.
They sit down in the café and-strike one for Brian-he orders himself an egg salad sandwich on whole wheat bread and a glass of milk. Claudia is grossed out and I kind of side with her on this one… I do NOT want to kiss someone who’s just been eating egg salad and milk. At least not on the first date. Brian doesn’t seem into conversation, but Claudia tries her best. She asks what kind of art he likes to do and-strike two-he says he likes to build model cars and then sketch them. That’s the only art he does. Again, I’m going to have to go along with Claudia; the two would not be a good match. Claudia begins to notice that time is dragging very slowly. Brian cuts the crusts off his sandwich, which she finds annoying. Finally-a big strike-out for Brian-he commits the Unforgivable Sin: “He hadn’t even commented on my dangly Native American earrings which he must have noticed. So much for finding a guy who was interested in fashion.” Really, how can you fault Claudia here? Brian committed a serious faux pas. I believe it was Fulton J. Sheen who said “a true gentleman ALWAYS COMMENTS ON HIS DATE’S DANGLY NATIVE AMERICAN EARRINGS.” This must be true because it’s on the internet.
Claudia begins to notice that her date isn’t as handsome as she thought. She doesn’t like the slope of his nose, and his muscles, which had seemed the perfect size, now look a bit too meaty. She finally puts the date out of its misery at two-fifteen, claiming she has to go wait for her mother who is picking her up at two-thirty. On the way out, they happen to run into Liza Shore AKA Big Boned Beauty, holding hands with a short bespectacled young man named Nathan. The two thank Claudia for starting the personals column, which is how they met. They tell her they’re going to New York to visit the Egypt section of the Met together. They seem to make a sweet goofy couple, the kind one might ACTUALLY want to read a book about. So of course, we never see them again.
Chapter 11 opens in the SMS Express office; the layout artist is trying to cut Claudia’s column so it will fit on the page. All the Personals are still too wordy. Claudia offers to help… oh Heavens, Claudia is going to try her hand at editing something. I need a stiff drink. It all starts out just fine; Claudia cuts out sentences here and there with her X-acto knife and then pastes together the new column with Rubber Cement, which Suzanne Weyn helpfully refers to as “a clear glue which came in a metal can with a brush in the top” instead of just calling it by its name. Speaking of being unnecessarily wordy…
At first, this all goes well. Claudia is proficient with cutting and glue, after all. Racy Stacey just happens to be in the room, and “helps” by commenting on everything. She suggests simply dropping Mary Anne’s submission but Claudia says she can’t; she promised her. Mary Anne wants to send a surprise secret message to Logan via the personals: “Your cuddly kitten will love you furever. Call The Tig at 555-8456.” Um… isn’t Mary Anne the repressed one? And she refers to herself as her boyfriend’s kitten? Also, how is it a good idea to try to get your boyfriend’s attention by posting a sexy message with your own phone number in the school newspaper? This makes absolutely no sense. What if Logan doesn’t understand what in Heaven’s name she’s trying to do? Is he going to be happy she’s posting a weirdo message for him in the Personals? Stacey and Claudia act like Logan has always used the pet name “The Tig” for Mary Anne, but I can’t remember reading it once before. Maybe I just repressed it. And Mary Anne doesn’t have her own phone line. Poor Richard is going to answer the phone one night to some middle school student answering this sick minded ad, and probably send Mary Anne to a convent school.
Claudia cuts out the word “cuddly” instead of throwing the ad in the trash and pouring a gallon of Clorox into her own eyes like I would have. Then she accidentally knocks over the page, spraying the little letters, and has to stick it all back together at the last minute, and I think we all know where this is going: exactly where Mary Anne deserves it to go.
Sure enough, the next day Claudia sees Mary Anne crying her eyes out in the cafeteria. For some reason this surprises Claudia. She asks what’s the matter. Kristy explains that Logan won’t speak to Mary Anne and she has no idea why.
This chapter doesn’t really have anything worth an illustration, but here’s what popped into my head when I read Mary Anne’s personal. Now it can be in your head, too!
Fig 11: Call The Tig. You know you want to.
Chapter 12! Almost there, and still no titular Perfect Boy! Racy and Claudia “lay draped across my bed waiting for everyone else to arrive for the BSC meeting.” It’s like the ghostie is doing it on purpose, I swear. And it only gets worse… but that’s getting ahead of myself. Ahem. When everyone gets there, they pore over the Personals column and realize why Logan isn’t speaking to Mary Anne. Claudia made a teensie weensie mistake… when she repasted the column, she placed the last sentence from Mary Anne’s ad in an entirely different ad. An ad which now read “fed up girl with dud boyfriend looking to make a switch. I’m pretty, petite, and sweet. Call The Tig at 555-8456.”
Ah-hem. Ah-hem. Ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *snort* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *wheeze* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOPLEASE MAKEITSTOP HAHAHAHAHAHAH *gasp* *sob* *sigh*
Ah-hem. What I meant to say was, poor Mary Anne! Poor, poor Mary Anne! To say nothing of poor wounded Logan, or that girl who’s no doubt getting perverted calls from every middle school boy who’s always wanted a kitten to love them forever. Claudia calls Logan, who is understandably miffed but being an over-the-top douche as always. She explains things. Mary Anne takes the phone and Claudia leaves to give her some privacy. She runs into Kristy running up the stairs, who informs her that she’s “really dumb.” I’m just going to recycle my Kristy-is-a-bitch picture from Part Two, because it says it all… and Claudia who deserves it is in there too.
Fig. 12: Some things never change.
Everyone comes back in for the meeting. Later, Claudia calls the poor girl who’s getting perverted phone calls, only to find that one of those phone calls was from the boyfriend she secretly wanted to dump. And instead of making things worse, this somehow caused them to talk. So, once again, everyone’s happy but Claudia.
Chapter 13! Everyone loves Claudia’s column. Some people are even sending in letters of thanks: “Big-Boned Beauty says thanks a lot, Claudia. Me and Little Pharaoh are in love.” Some people are posting ads with notes on the bottom that they’d like Claudia to set them up with someone. Claudia would like to publish some suggested matches between people in her column, but there just isn’t room! So Emily gives her a whole other column.
Claudia decides to answer another ad, from a gentleman by the name of Rock. When she calls him, she finds that he doesn’t even go to SMS; he just happens to be the next door neighbor of Alan Gray. Of course he assures Claudia he’s nothing like “that flake case,” so the two of them arrange a date after the next BSC meeting. I too would date a man who used phrases like “flake case.”
I might need my Kristy Bitch picture again, because Kristy expects the whole club to stay after the meeting so they can scope out Claudia’s boyfriend. Claudia refuses to let them, but concedes to allow them to help pick out her outfit: brown suede pants (which Kristy disapproves of for a first date), the same silver earrings from the last date, silver hair clips and bangles, a button-down yellow shirt, and a brown and yellow brocade vest. Stacey helps her apply rouge and mascara, which I was absolutely forbidden from wearing until I was sixteen. Picture time!
Fig. 13: they didn’t mention her shoes, so I gave her blue suede. And there’s Kristy disapproving of the pants.
Rock, whose last name is Brompton, has long hair, which makes Mr. and Mrs. Kishi glare sternly at him. He puts his foot in it immediately by calling Claudia a chick. Then he claims he’s into all kinds of “oriental” things: “yin yang, tai chi, and Sushi.” Only one of which is Japanese, Mr. Brompton. I have the terrible feeling that Suzanne Weyn just wrote down every vaguely Asian thing she could think of for this line, and “yin yang, tai chi, and sushi” were the most fun to say.
Claudia says she doesn’t like Sushi.
Mr. Brompton (whose older brother is driving them on this date, by the way) scores major points by complimenting Claudia’s earrings, and then immediately has his points subtracted for taking up the rest of the car ride talking about his theories about Asians and Native Americans being related. He also claims he’s of Hungarian and Polish extraction, though “Brompton” certainly doesn’t sound like either of those languages to me.
He then tries to win Claudia over by showing her his tattoo, a skull with roses and worms coming out of it. He drew the design himself and was severely punished by his parents afterwards. You can imagine how well this goes over with Claudia. They go to a movie together, and Claudia declines to have dinner with him afterward.
Racy is waiting for Claudia when she gets home. They have the following conversation:
“Was he interesting?”
“I suppose so.”
“That was one of your requirements,” Stacey reminded me.
“Yeah, but he was a little too interesting. He had a skull tattoo.”
“Ew,” said Stacey. “I see what you mean.”
Fortunately, Stacey has a master plan to get Claudia all to herself!!! Was that a spoiler? So sorry. On to the next chapter!
In Chapter 14, Pow is brought to his new home at the Pikes’. The children have a ceremony to wish him goodbye, and the Pikes promise to let Buddy and Suzi visit whenever they want. Buddy and Suzi say “au revior,” pronouncing it “or-river,” which is genuinely cute, although when I was a little kid and heard “au revior” I thought it sounded more like “or vowah.” They celebrate with Oreos. It’s not a bad chapter.
Chapter 15 begins with Claudia retrospectively describing her last date, with a gentleman named Kurt who was “boring.” I guess he was incredibly boring, because we don’t get any details at all. On the verge of despair, Claudia begins crafting a personal for herself, which she really should have done in the first place… the final draft goes like this:
Pretty Eighth grade girl with long black hair who loves art, misteries, and lafter seeks boy who is hansum, medium height or taller, atheletic, sensative, artistic, a good dreser, not too criticil, has no tattos, and can make me lagh. Write Chosey but fair at…
And the replies come “pouring in!” Every guy loves a girl whose long black hair is into art, apparently. Some of the replies are quite fun. “I’m a guy who loves sports, especially football. I don’t know much about art, but maybe you can teach me. (Ha! Ha!) I love girls with long black hair. Do you look like Paula Abdul? I hope so.”
Claudia also gets a letter form Eric-you know, the perfectly normal kid? The one whose parents were divorcing, so he tried to find a support system of kids going through the same thing? The one whom Claudia convinced to go see a counselor instead, because clearly finding creative solutions to one’s problems is a mental illness? He thanks her, explaining that the counselor really understands him and he’s feeling much better. Go fig.
Then-it happens. Someone responds who actually meets Claudia’s insane standards. “Dear Choosey, I am an eighth grade boy at SMS. I love track, going to art museums, reading mysteries, and great works of literature. I’m five foot eight, haven’t got a single tattoo, and have been told I look like Jason Priestly. I don’t see how I could be critical of someone who sounds as lovely as you. Your Guy.”
Ah… Jason Priestly?
Fig. 15a: This guy? At a middle school?
Hang on, this book was written in 1994.
Fig. 15b: THIS guy. At a middle school.
Claudia is walking on air!!! Only… Jason Priestly clone hasn’t left any contact information. So she starts to search for him all around SMS. Kristy informs her that no one on the track team looks like Jason Priestly. She reminds Kristy that she doesn’t ever notice men… except for Bart. At least she doesn’t call Bart a sort-of boyfriend again. Claudia attempts to check the school library, to see how many boys have checked out mysteries or museum books recently. She also plans to stand by the school door and watch every single student come in, searching for Her Guy.
Finally, Mr. Perfect sends another letter. “Hi, Choosey. It’s me again. I just wanted to tell you I will show up-someday. Right now I might seem mysterious, but believe me when we meet you’ll know it. Until then, you can be sure that I am Your Guy.”
Claudia is frantic!!!! She decides to confide in her friend Racy.
Racy Stacey.
Racy comes over to talk with her. She has a little confession to make… SHE wrote the letters. She thought that Claudia might feel better knowing that the Perfect Guy existed, just as the Pikes feel better knowing that Pow exists, even if they can’t be around him as much as they’d like. So she wrote the letters. But when she saw that her efforts only made Claudia worse off, she decided to ‘fess up.
Claudia is understandably pissed about this and refuses to speak to Racy. She keeps this up until the next BSC meeting, where “I couldn’t look at her sad puppy eyes or her please-forgive-me expression much longer without caving in.”
Kristy commands the two to explain what’s going on, and as Racy explains, they all dissolve into giggles. It’s just so funny! Racy and Claudia have fantastic make-up sex and Claudia realizes that what she was looking for was here all along.
Ok, I made that part up. But seriously, the two hug and the meeting commences. The Barretts need a sitter who is also willing to feed the hermit crabs and other dander-free animals they’ve just adopted. Claudia states that she’s going to give up her search for Mr. Perfect. “I had my friends. I had myself. Everything I’d needed had been here all along.” The end.
Seriously, that’s how it ends. WHERE IS THE PERFECT BOY!? I was promised a perfect boy. The title said so. Is Stacey the perfect boy? And why did she forgive Stacey, and what was Stacey thinking, and what is WITH Mary Anne and the whole Tig thing, and… I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m going to bed.