Kristy and the Great Campaign
Hey hey, it's election season! And you know what that makes me want to do? Well, yes, drink myself to death. But also watch my personal favorite political drama, Kristy and the Great Campaign! And if you want to know how much I love you guys, I upgraded my Photobucket account just to handle another video snark. That is right: I SPENT MONEY to make fun of this for you. (That also means anyone who missed out on admiring Dawn's nylon weave before the pictures shat out have another crack at it. Happy New Year, and may I suggest bringing a barf bag.)
First, as an enormous fan of unnecessary quotation marks, I can't tell you how pleased I am that we're being encourage to vote for "Courtney," like that's her alleged name, but it hasn't been officially confirmed by her rep. Let's get real, that was probably intentional, because it's obvious Courtney is nothing more than Kristy's puppet in this farce: "I shouldn't lie. I'll just put 'Courtney' in quotes so everyone knows they're really voting for Kristy."
Open scene: Kristy, Dawn, and Mary Anne are playing keep-away in the snow with several kids, with perpetual butt-monkey Jackie Rodowsky of course being It. He pauses to make googly eyes at some girl across the park, just long enough to get slammed upside the head with the ball, which has to have been on purpose, because that's not even sort of the objective of keep-away. Does Ann have some vendetta against gingers? I'm just saying, Jackie and Mal get shat on an awful lot for two people who have absolutely nothing else in common.
That's for shooting Bambi's mom!
The girl, Courtney, won't come over and play with them because she's too shy, though personally, I wouldn't go play with them because they appear to be playing a version of keep-away where you randomly get beaten up for no reason. The baby-sitters make fun of Jackie for having a crush on her, which in my opinion is way inappropriate for an adult to do to a seven-year-old, but he denies it anyway. Girls are totally gross, you see! Kristy, Dawn, and Mary Anne are all "OH THANKS ASSHOLE, WHAT ARE WE." God, give him a break. He stammers, "You're not girls! You're baby-sitters!" See? He's SEVEN. Don't give him some sort of complex. ("Jackie, when did you realize you were incapable of loving a woman?" "It all started thirty-five years ago, with this brutal game of keep-away...")
It's not a coincidence that Dawn is wearing Scumbag Steve's hat.
Cue theme song! Say hello to your friends! Baby-sitters Club! Prance along the sidewalk seven across, not allowing anyone else to get by like total assholes! Baby-sitters Club! Everyone on your college campus wants you to get hit by a bus! Baby-sitters Club!
Claudia's room! Dawn is telling a hilaaaaarious story about how Marnie Barrett ate a bunch of cookies and then smushed one in her hand. Mallory says, "Be sure to put that in the club notebook so we'll all know that oatmeal raisin is Marnie's favorite!" I guess having just told everyone in the room doesn't count? God, Mal.
Mrs. Arnold calls wanting a sitter, and in a disgraceful show of continuity and overall writing, Stacey offers the job to Jessi because they like her "secret language" even though Mallory is the one who taught it to them, and Jessi takes it even though she doesn’t even know when it's for. ("No, I don't know when. JUST SHOW UP AND RAISE MY CHILDREN.") Oh, yeah, Mrs. Arnold recommended the BSC to her new neighbor too. She should be calling any - RING RING!
"Hello, Baby-sitter's Club. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Oh, hello, Courtney's mom! How convenient of you to call! Hey, some of the other baby-sitters and the kids they're sitting for are getting together to play on the afternoon you want me to baby-sit, is it cool if I go along and take your kid? Even though I didn't even ask her if she wanted to go, and she probably won't since she's shy and we don't know each other and she showed no interest in socializing with them before? Even though I'm being paid to entertain her and not myself? Okay, cool, bye!"
Good thing she doesn't know yet that I am completely and utterly psychotic.
Next scene: Stoneybrook Elementary! Whose signage is way, way better looking than Stoneybrook General, at least. Kristy is there to pick up Courtney from school and is led to the godawful caterwauling coming from her classroom as Courtney sings Happy Birthday to the class mouse. I used to think the actress was tone deaf or stupid or both if she didn't know how Happy goddamn Birthday was supposed to sound, but I now know this atrocity isn't her fault because Happy Birthday is copyrighted and a Q-list operation like this sure isn't going to shell out for it, so instead it sounds like she's singing it backwards. Like, did you ever fiddle with your parents' record player as a kid and play 45s in reverse because you thought it would sound hilarious but in actuality it's just creepy? That is exactly how this version of Happy Mouse Day sounds.
The Satanic message isn't even hidden.
Anyway, Kristy's like, "Sup" and Courtney's like "Yo" and Kristy's like, "Let's bounce, then" and this scene is kind of pointless, except maybe to establish that Courtney likes animals better than people. So do I, if the baseline is Kristy versus my dog.
Next scene: The Stoneybrook Video Store! Oh my god, once again they're trashing a public place like a frat house during Greek Week. I know they've got a bunch of kids with them, but there are literally videotapes all over the floor and they're sitting in the middle of the aisle and the kids are grabbing things screaming "I WANT THIS ONE NO THAT ONE WAHHHH"
No.
Absolutely not.
Don't believe what you hear about Netflix; the BSC singlehandedly bankrupted Blockbuster. Because if I walked in there to rent a movie and saw that, I would turn heel, walk out, and never come back, and so would anyone with a sense of moral decency. I imagine that about a year past the end of the series, Stoneybrook was a burned out, boarded up ghost town. The handful of people left behind would tell tales with haunted, sunken eyes: "This used to be a thriving city until this band of baby-sitters descended everywhere...the rioting..."
Kristy shows up all, "And here's Courtney!" No one even stops whining and screaming long enough to say hello. I can't imagine why she'd rather hang out with the class animals. They're slightly less prone to cannibalism, anyway. She grabs a video off the rack at random and is like, "How about this?" and everyone is like "Hurray!" and claps. Okay, whatever. Kristy proclaims her a genius and then knocks over a display rack. I would set my own store on fire if I saw them coming.
In another part of the store, some kid named Jeremy is putting up suave-looking campaign posters...for third-grade student council. In the video store? In public? On the door of the, uh, "adult" back room? Who in the hell's vote is he trying to get? What kind of campaign is this? He hands out buttons to Courtney and Jackie, who roll their eyes. The born salesman says its great to have their vote, then looks at his bare wrist and says "Gotta run! Late for a pep squad meeting!" This seems like it's supposed to be a joke, except he does it so quickly I think the wardrobe department might have just forgotten to give him a watch. I would not put it past them.
They were too busy fashioning old pantyhose into a wig for Dawn.
After he's gone, Kristy rolls her eyes and snots, "Who or what was that?" Claudia says with some disdain that he's "Justin Marver's little brother," and Kristy replies, "I should have guessed. They're exactly alike - gross." I see Jeremy is another victim of Sabrina Bouvier Syndrome, wherein it's perfectly okay for teenagers to mock or bully children half their age for no reason as long as their parents have committed the cardinal sin of not hiring the BSC. How refreshing and family-friendly.
Mal says, "Hey, Kristy, remember when Justin beat you in the science fair?" HA-ha! Kristy pissily says he cheated and even Dawn's like, "No he didn't; he deserved to win." Kristy makes an ugly sore loser face. Oh, goody, a TRUE Sabrina Bouvier episode - in which people who are just plain better than you at something must be evil and deserve to be taken down a peg. I just love those; they teach us so much about life. Specifically, that Ann lives in a hole in the ground and knows nothing about it.
Next scene - Brewer mansion! How the hell did they drive everyone over there? There wasn't any easier place for the kids to get together? Some scenery scout doesn't know a damn thing about the books, I'd wager. Anyway, Kristy says, "So I guess you're voting for whoever's running against Jeremy, huh, Courtney?" That seems exceedingly rude, considering she doesn't know Courtney - Jeremy could be her best friend, for all she knows. And considering she doesn't know Jeremy - just because he happens to be a tad smarmy doesn't mean he isn't a really good choice for student council. And, you know, considering she doesn't know who's running against Jeremy - could be an eight-year-old Nazi. In other words, shut the hell up, K. Ron, that is tacky and ignorant and none of your business.
Jackie says no one is running against Jeremy, which makes his slick, expensive-looking, town-wide campaign seem especially ridiculous. ("Vote for me! I'm better than nobody!") Courtney whines that she wishes someone would run because the popular kids always seem to win. That's usually a valid complaint, but not when no one else is even trying, for christ's sake. Kristy says she should run, then. I'd ordinarily be indignant about pushing a shy little girl into running for office against her will, but it does feel like put up or shut up time, since Courtney is the one who complained about it. Courtney opts for "shut up" because she doesn't want to talk in front of people and doesn't think anyone would vote for her. But if you think K. Ron would accept no for an answer, you must be one of the scenery people.
I'm going to roofie her milk.
Next scene: The library! The establishing shot is cleverly framed so you can't see what city it says above "Public Library," but it clearly isn't Stoneybrook. I see what you did there, director. The baby-sitters loudly speculate about why Kristy wanted to meet there: "Remember Kristy's last big idea?" Mallory says. "She got us all lost in New York!" "AND NEARLY GOT MARY ANNE AND ME ARRESTED!" Dawn shrieks. Bellows of laughter all around. I repeat: They are in a library. INDOOR GODDAMN VOICES, LADIES.
Kristy comes marching up with an armload of books while the patriotic military snare starts to play.
Not pictured: Mein Kampf; The Art of War
She's like, "Listen up! The grade school elections are coming up and Courtney would make a great candidate!" Everyone looks sort of blank and Jessi lets out a perfect deadpan, "So?" and I laugh so hard I pee my pants a little. Yes, K. Ron. Tell us all what relevance the third-grade elections have to all of our lives.
K. Ron explains that Courtney has a self-esteem problem, so the BSC needs to be her campaign managers to boost her confidence. Oooor maybe she just doesn't want to run. I can't think of anything I want to do less, both now that I am grown and at any point in my schooling career, than be on student council. I didn't want to campaign. I didn't want to speak in front of anyone. I had no opinions on how the school should be run. I didn't want to attend boring-ass meetings if god forbid I actually won. All I ever wanted, from ages four to twenty-two, was show up, do the absolute minimum amount of work, speak only to the people I hated the least, and go home early. That is it. So perhaps they should find out if Courtney feels the same way before they go making her decisions for her, hmmm?
Thank god Mary Anne is there to agree with me: "Courtney's shy. Maybe we should find out how she feels about it?" But no one even acknowledges that she spoke, because Kristy is a monumental asshole. Everyone gets up, excitedly discussing what they can do - hey, Claudia can make her campaign posters! Christ, what an idea! Mary Anne remains, looking like she sat on a tack.
Next scene: Stoneybrook Elementary! Courtney is fruitlessly trying to shove a cracker in a birdcage to get the bird to talk: "Percy want a biscuit? Come on! Percy want a biscuit!" I believe the problem is that the bird is a parakeet, not a parrot.
I only speak Russian, lady.
Kristy comes in and is basically as condescending as Courtney is being to the parakeet: "Courtney want a student council seat?" Also she's a bitch about Jeremy some more, saying: "It's important to have an honest and real kid running, right?" God, you look at one invisible watch and you're a liar. This really is the sequel to Little Miss Stoneybrook and Dawn. Forcing shy children into the limelight to further your own personal agenda? Check. Denouncing their more talented competition as fakes and cheaters based on no evidence? Check. If I see a banana at any point, I swear to god I am shutting this thing down.
Courtney still doesn't want to run, but Kristy nastily says, "Why should kids like Jeremy and Justin always win everything?" Why should you automatically beat them just because you don't like them, Kristy? Sorry about your science fair vendetta, but you need to learn how to lose gracefully. Courtney finally agrees when Kristy informs her that the BSC is going to be her campaign team. What is even UP with this election? The first election I can even remember having was in the fifth grade and the "posters" and "campaigning" were confined to our own classroom. Because, you know, that's who was voting. It's not like the local alderman needs to know Courtney's stance on the bathroom pass.
Next scene! The BSC marches down the street, arms full of posters and shit, Kristy barking orders left and right. Mary Anne is still trying to get them to back off a little because she thinks Courtney will be nervous and overwhelmed. Someone must have read over the script and realized they'd been forgetting to shoehorn in everyone's traits, because Dawn randomly says she'll teach Courtney some yoga and Stacey says she'll take her shopping. Uh...okay. What the hell kind of campaign are they running.
CREEP had better campaign tactics than this.
Jessi thinks Courtney needs a slogan, so Claudia suggests "Jeremy is a Germ." You bitches are getting on my last nerve with your unwarranted nastiness. Mary Anne throws out "Westin's the Best One," which everyone totally lies and says is not bad. But then, Jeremy's slogan is "Marver-lous," so how hard do they even need to try, really. Mallory suggests "Count on Court," which I have always hated irrationally. Perhaps because you don't shorten people's names when they haven't said it's okay - what if she hates to be called Court, Mal? - and perhaps because they all start chanting "Count on Court! Count on Court! Count on Court!" as they march down the street. If there is one thing I do not do, ever, under any circumstances, it is chant a slogan in a group. It makes me so uncomfortable and gives me the awful willies to hear anyone do it, even somewhere stupid like a sporting event. It's the most frightening, brainless activity you can get swept up in, because you start it, and how do you stop? You start to think, what am I saying? Why am I saying it? Why is the guy next to me saying it? Why can't either of us STOP saying it? How are we saying it in such perfect unison? I don't like it, it doesn't even sound like English anymore, please make it stop. Cause you know who does repetitive chants? Cults. So actually, in this context it makes perfect sense.
I enjoy the fact that snarking BSC books makes me reveal all of my embarrassing neuroses to the world. Someone please tell me I'm not alone.
Anyway, they're still chanting when they reach Courtney's house...still chanting as they bang on the door...still chanting as she opens it and comes outside...still chanting as she lets them in...this is what I mean. I am legitimately scared. ("Honey, it's been six hours; how do we make your friends stop chanting and leave?")
The only way to shut them up is with a cut scene, as it happens. Courtney and Kristy scoop ice cream sundaes while Courtney frets about whether she'll say the wrong thing. Claudia and Dawn assure her that Kristy says the wrong thing all the time. HA! Case in point, Kristy comes over and snaps at Jessi for not making the lettering on the campaign posters straight enough. I'm the biggest freak on the planet for things like straight lettering and even I'd be like, "Um, I'm spending my unpaid free time making a poster for the student council election of a third-grader I don't even know. You'll get whatever the hell you get and like it." Anyway, in the ten seconds the camera is off her, Courtney perfectly makes and decorates four ice cream sundaes, to which Kristy says, "What'd I tell you? She's a winner!" Apparently she'd make a good government representative because she's quick with whipped cream?
This is all I look for in a U.S. President.
Time for a campaigning montage! They decorate posters outside, which, first, why, it's the dead of winter, and second, the posters are pretty, I guess, but completely uninformative. They all say "Count on Court." That's it. Count on what? Who? For what? Who would even understand what that meant? Depending where I saw it, I'd think it was an advertisement letting me know they were changing Night Court reruns from 9 to 10. Claudia and Courtney are sticking a ladybug in the right corner of one of the posters, but when Kristy sees what they're doing she rips it out of their hands all "NO THIS IS ALL WRONG YOU NEED A FLOWER IN THE LEFT CORNER IDIOTS" because I guess she read that in "A Great Political Campaign."
Taft had flowers in the upper left of all his campaign posters, you know.
Speechwriting! Kristy is droning on and on about the first line and the last line of the speech, and also the middle, but the last line, and the first line. They have to give speeches? And the other third-graders actually listen to them? Riiiiight. Courtney hands her finished speech over to Mal, who grins and nods. Kristy, reading over her shoulder, frowns and shakes her head. Wordlessly, Mal crumples it up and throws it away. I like that the baby-sitters were brought in to boost Courtney's confidence.
I wouldn't wipe my ass with your speech, maggot.
Hair and makeup! Well, hair. Stacey and Claudia deem Courtney's nice looking, regular, loose hair all wrong and try out different styles while Courtney makes a series of increasingly hilarious faces.
I hate you people.
What the hell kind of stylists are you? Drunk?
I wish I were bald.
For some reason the style they agree on as perfect for a future student councilwoman is a totally shitty looking messy ponytail. I mean, I wore a messy ponytail to my own wedding and even I think this thing looks like shit, so. Even if it looked cool, how does that convey "government" and "responsibility" better than her original neatly combed hair? Oh, right. She's dealing with Claudia, who thinks a skirt made of rainbow gauze also looks "responsible."
I'm only smiling so you'll turn your backs and I can escape.
The mall! Mary Anne asks Dawn if she thinks Kristy is pushing Courtney too hard. Dawn says, "None of us realized it would be this much work. Between school and baby-sitting and the campaign, I'm exhausted." It's like Mary Anne is speaking Martian. Has anyone actually responded to anything she's said regarding Courtney?
No one understands me like you do, Mannequin.
"Introducing the new Courtney Weston!" Stacey announces as they come out of the dressing room. Mary Anne points out for the benefit of the vision-impaired that Courtney is dressed exactly like Stacey. Kristy says looks are very important in politics and Stacey is a hip dresser. Um...so is Lady Gaga, and yet I don't see Hilary Clinton dressing like her. Funny, that.
The British royals do take their hat cues from Jessi, however.
Here comes the durpy music - must be Jeremy! I don't know why an eight-year-old boy is shopping in what appears to be Express, but okay. He calls over his brother, Justin, the suavest badass this side of Don Johnson.
The popped collar? The polo tucked into his belted jeans? The rolled up sleeves of the Members Only jacket? DO ME.
Justin is a total smarm and repeatedly calls Kristy "Krystal," to her increasing anger. It's reaaaally funny. He slimily says she should try out for the school musical or the join him with the SMS paper - "But I guess you're just too busy playing softball with the neighborhood kiddies, huh, Krystal?" Well...he's clearly a dick, but he makes a really good point. She gets on Courtney's case about how someone needs to run against Jeremy, but she doesn't compete against Justin for anything - he's working on the paper and performing in the musical, but she doesn't do anything but baby-sit. Maybe he beats you at everything because he spends time on many worthwhile activities instead of one creepy obsession, Krystal.
"Big J." and "Little J." finally take off - "See you at the election, Courtney. May the best...MAN win" - and Kristy explodes all, "Jeremy's such a phony! He's just a carbon copy of his brother!" Everyone tsk tsks and agrees except for Courtney herself, the only one capable of understanding the concept of irony. Standing next to Stacey in the mirror, she gazes into the abyss, and the abyss gazes back into her.
It looks a lot like matching cowboy boots.
Small interlude scene! Mary Anne, Jackie, and Scumbag Dawn are nailing a "Count on Court" sign to a tree.
Claims to be an environmental nut; kills a tree by hammering nails into it.
HOW WILL THAT HELP HER ELECTION? WHO IS GOING TO SEE THAT WHO IS ACTUALLY ELIGIBLE TO VOTE IN THIS? What an absolute waste of time and resources. Anyway, Jackie assures them he's not doing this because he likes Courtney. He's doing this because he like to hammer stuff. Or because Kristy is using him as unpaid slave labor, like everyone else in her life.
In school the next day, Jackie offers to walk home with Courtney after the bell rings, but she has to go work on her speech with Kristy. Jeremy overhears and starts in with "Hurr de hurr, Jackie looooves Courtney, now you have to do something mean to her to prooooove you don't loooove her." He drags Jackie over to the snake tank. Given that Courtney is the animal monitor and certainly isn't afraid of snakes, I have to surmise they're going to kill it.
RIP, "Izzy." If that is, in fact, your real name.
"Do you think it should be 'Teachers, friends, and parents' or 'Teachers, parents, and friends'?" Kristy drones while waiting outside the school for Courtney. I do not know how the others didn't snap and shove her down the steps screaming, "NO ONE CARES! NO ONE HAS EVER CARED! NO ONE WILL EVER CARE! EVEN IF SHE WERE RUNNING FOR SUPREME RULER OF THE PLANET, NO ONE WOULD CARE!"
Courtney comes outside and wants to play with her friend Kathy for a little while. The other sitters say yes, but Kristy says no; they have too much to do before "Meet the Candidates" tomorrow. This is the fakest sounding third-grade election I have ever heard of. Ever. I've never heard of a "Meet the Candidates" for local elections, even. Courtney disappointedly says no to her friend, thereby alienating one person who certainly would have voted for her. Nice campaign technique, Krystal.
Kristy feeds Courtney the "Teachers, friends, and parents" line a couple of times, admonishing her to speak louder. Jessi basically manhandles her and snaps, "Eyes up! Back straight!" Jesus, Jessi. I'm sure Mme Noelle was the original Abby Lee Miller, but that's no reason to take it out on Courtney. Only Dawn and Mary Anne encourage Courtney to breathe and relax, to which Kristy snaps, "Oh great, so this is a big joke?" Breathing: Apparently a big joke.
Next scene: "Meet the Candidates"! While Courtney wines and dines the voters, Kristy is standing next to her yelling into a megaphone without drawing breath, like a carnival barker: "Courtney Weston here for you the ONE the ONLY ONE who can MAKE the DIFFERENCE BUY one get one FREE tastes GREAT less FILLING HEY baby HUM baby SWING BATTER." I like to think I make informed, conscientious votes, but when you get right down to it, I'm probably voting for the guy whose campaign manager isn't literally screaming in my ear. If Jeremy's booth is handing out Excedrin tablets, I'm sold.
Sadly, Jeremy is not capitalizing on how badly Courtney is bombing on the other side of the gym, but is busy instructing Jackie to put a snake down his pants. That's not a euphemism.
And yet Jeremy smiles like an utter pervert all the same.
He tells Jackie to drop the snake in Courtney's booth so she’ll "scream her guts out." One, I don't know how that's supposed to mess up her campaign - like a third-grader really cares whether another third-grader is afraid of snakes - and two, for such a slick politician, how does he not know his competitor well enough to know she's not afraid of snakes anyway. Justin would never make such a novice mistake, I'm sure.
Jackie sidles up to Courtney's booth with the snake hanging out (...seriously), sweating and grimacing as she asks him what's wrong. Stacey startles him by pointing out that he's limping (...oh god) and the snake chooses that moment to lunge out of his pants (that one is also sexual).
Family-friendly entertainment, ladies and gentlemen.
There's pandemonium and screaming, of course, and someone uses a ruler to flip the snake right onto Jeremy's table. He promptly starts screaming his guts out, which makes no sense, because he just had Izzy with Jackie a second ago and he wasn't scared of it then. Anyway, the funny part is that Justin is standing there while the snake flies past his face and he literally does not blink.
That Stacey chick sure is hot. Wonder where I can get a good churro when this is over.
Someone tries to kill the snake with a book, but Courtney intervenes and picks him up: "It's just Izzy, our snake from science class!" The science teacher who was standing there passively, perfectly content to let some kids smash Izzy into a bookmark, is like, "Oh, yeah. I guess I'll take him back to his cage." Sure glad a student was there to do your job, Mr. Shit-for-Brains. Anyway, everybody points and laughs at Jeremy for screaming, which also makes no sense, because they were all screaming too. Justin, suddenly realizing something has occurred, merely buries his head in his hands.
Back at her own booth, the baby-sitters are worshipful of Courtney, as they always are when any one of their own manages to solve a minor problem - "OMG you cleaned a stain out of Mrs. Newton's carpet, that was SO AMAZING" - but Kristy is merely suspicious: "I bet Jeremy and Justin were behind that little stunt. They can't be trusted!" The others think she's lost it, but why they think that, I don't know. I mean, it clearly had to be one of the candidates trying to upset the other, and they know it wasn't them, so.
Anyway, Kristy goes out to the hall to get a drink of water and is intercepted by Justin and his big talk all "Ah, Krystal, how nice of you to try to help Courtney run when you know she doesn't stand a chance." I personally think it's stupid that Kristy lets herself get riled up by his little mind games: "For the ten millionth time, the name's Kristy!" Like, does she really think he doesn't know what her name is? You're only making yourself look dumb, Krystal.
Courtney of course comes out to overhear Kristy blustering on all, "Oh yeah? We're going to win!" "We?" Justin repeats. "Are you running now too?" He cackles and walks off as if he's scored a point, even though this makes no sense, because every campaign team refers to itself as "we." Somebody didn't read up on "The Presidential Character"!
Kristy turns to see Courtney and comforts her by saying, "Come on, we can't do this without you." Courtney mumbles, "You sure are trying." Oh, snap! Kristy asks what's up and Courtney totally snaps, shrieking, "I'm going to lose anyway! Why don't you go home and leave me alone?!" YESSSSSS. Tell Krystal to cram it!
Mary Anne: "I told you so." Stacey: "Did you hear something?" Kristy: "Must have been the wind."
Next scene! The baby-sitters, sans Kristy, are gathered outside the school, whining about how bad they feel about pushing Courtney to be something she's not. "Those clothes," Stacey moans, putting her face in her hands. "That HAIR," Mal counters. HA! They wish there was something they could do to get her back in the race...but it's too late. "Maybe not!" Dawn says as the inspirational doin' stuff music starts to play. "Come on, there's not much time!" They have to find Kristy and get her to convince Courtney to just be herself! Wait, Dawn's wearing a different Scumbag Hat from the earlier scenes. It's nearly identical, but the other one had a leafy pattern and this one doesn't.
Claims to be an anti-consumerist hippie, owns two of the same hat.
Inside the school, Kristy is dejectedly petting the third-grade class mouse. That's...uh, creepy. Do they really let random teenagers hang around the elementary school classrooms after hours? Courtney comes in and Kristy's all, "Courtney...I knew you'd come." Yes. Creepy. She speeches about how she was so wrong to try to change Courtney, and Courtney speeches about how she thought she was letting Kristy down by not winning. Kristy assures her that as long as Courtney is herself, she'll still like her no matter what. They hug, just long enough that I sort of want to call the cops.
Outside, the baby-sitters race down a street that has a "Count on Court" poster nailed to every surface. That is a public eyesore and probably illegal. They're all "OMG we can't find Kristy and the speeches are about to start! We'll have to convince Courtney all on our own!" So, you didn't check to see if Kristy was WITH Courtney? I like that it doesn't even occur to them that Kristy might have gone and done the right thing all by herself.
The speeches are already underway at SES, where Jeremy announces to "Forget those nasty cafeteria fish sticks! And of course, I'm for longer recess!" Enthusiastic applause. Yes, I'm really sure that schoolday scheduling and cafeteria supplier contracts are the kind of things they allow the third-grade representative to decide on.
I will also tighten the PTA budget and repave the teachers' parking lot.
The baby-sitters rush into the auditorium and Dawn yells, "Oh, no, Jeremy's up! They've already gotten to the third-grade speeches! Hurry, we gotta find her!" Yes, yells. Right in the middle of his speech. We've officially hit a new etiquette low. Jeremy, politely ignoring the interruption, winds up with some bullshit about how everybody is going to just vote for their friends, but he thinks of all of his classmates as his friends, so vote for him, their friend. Well, the first part is right. Hence why this campaign is so pointless. I got news for you, kids, that keeps on going right through college. I'm not saying you should sleep with people if you want to win votes. I'm saying it helps.
After combing the whole audience, the baby-sitters finally find Courtney backstage just before she's about to go on. Who would have thought? Backstage! Seconds before her speech! Amazing! God, they're stupid. Dawn does that annoying TV show thing where there's no time to say something important, so instead of blurting it out, she's like, "We have something really important to tell you, okay? Really important! Brace yourself! Listen! Important info coming up! Wait WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M OUT OF TIME NOW BUT BUT STAMMER FLAIL I CAN'T FORM WORDS." Courtney's up and doesn't seem at all interested in the important information she might be missing, like maybe the building is on fire or something.
Courtney heads out, symbolically pulling out her ponytail. Claudia looks confused by this. Although it's possible the massive globe earrings she's wearing are so heavy that her brain has started to leak out her ears.
What's the capital of orange?
"You probably know who you're voting for already," Courtney says. "And I know these speeches aren't real important." "They're NOT?" Mal says loudly. Stacey shushes her. Oh, that merits a shush, but yelling and trampling the audience through half of Jeremy's speech is cool. Assholes. He and Sabrina Bouvier should form a support group.
Anyway, her speech is pretty much an ass-lick to the BSC and how they supported her, and so she'll support everyone else and listen to their ideas. And she also mentions that she's got good ideas of her own, which is the third or fourth mention of Courtney's said good ideas, yet no one has elaborated on a single one of them. I guess she's running on a platform of smooth rhetoric covering zero content. Polite applause. And then Kristy shouts, "Count on Court!" Oh, no. No. Nooooo. The baby-sitters pick up the chant, but it takes way too long to get started among the students. God, this is so awkward. It finally does catch on, though, enthusiastically. I assume it probably has to be put out with SWAT teams in riot gear between scenes.
Proving that shouting a slogan long enough really will cause your brain to turn into mayonnaise, Courtney wins the election. So thoroughly, in fact, that she wins it before the election even occurs, because the "Meet the Candidates" greet-and-speech stuff was supposed to take place the day before the election, according to what Kristy said earlier, but this is obviously right after the speech because everyone is in the same clothes. (Administrators: "Oh, what the hell, let's just appoint her now. The catchy slogan can't lose.")
Everybody apologizes, congratulates, and makes up, then offers to take Courtney out to Pizza Express to celebrate, along with her new friends Kathy and Jackie. Now she's not a loner freak, you see. The BSC solves all problems! Even ones that really didn't exist.
You know, Kristy muses as they prepare to leave, now that she has all this campaign experience, she was thinking she should run for student council herself! Everyone rolls their eyes and walks away as she throws up her hands all, "I was joking, guys! Ha ha?" Why is that a joke? What's wrong with running for student council, if you want to? Oh, right. Because doing anything unconnected to the BSC isn't allowed and therefore the very idea is laughable. Hey, she could always run under a pseudonym.
Kount on "Krystal."
First, as an enormous fan of unnecessary quotation marks, I can't tell you how pleased I am that we're being encourage to vote for "Courtney," like that's her alleged name, but it hasn't been officially confirmed by her rep. Let's get real, that was probably intentional, because it's obvious Courtney is nothing more than Kristy's puppet in this farce: "I shouldn't lie. I'll just put 'Courtney' in quotes so everyone knows they're really voting for Kristy."
Open scene: Kristy, Dawn, and Mary Anne are playing keep-away in the snow with several kids, with perpetual butt-monkey Jackie Rodowsky of course being It. He pauses to make googly eyes at some girl across the park, just long enough to get slammed upside the head with the ball, which has to have been on purpose, because that's not even sort of the objective of keep-away. Does Ann have some vendetta against gingers? I'm just saying, Jackie and Mal get shat on an awful lot for two people who have absolutely nothing else in common.
That's for shooting Bambi's mom!
The girl, Courtney, won't come over and play with them because she's too shy, though personally, I wouldn't go play with them because they appear to be playing a version of keep-away where you randomly get beaten up for no reason. The baby-sitters make fun of Jackie for having a crush on her, which in my opinion is way inappropriate for an adult to do to a seven-year-old, but he denies it anyway. Girls are totally gross, you see! Kristy, Dawn, and Mary Anne are all "OH THANKS ASSHOLE, WHAT ARE WE." God, give him a break. He stammers, "You're not girls! You're baby-sitters!" See? He's SEVEN. Don't give him some sort of complex. ("Jackie, when did you realize you were incapable of loving a woman?" "It all started thirty-five years ago, with this brutal game of keep-away...")
It's not a coincidence that Dawn is wearing Scumbag Steve's hat.
Cue theme song! Say hello to your friends! Baby-sitters Club! Prance along the sidewalk seven across, not allowing anyone else to get by like total assholes! Baby-sitters Club! Everyone on your college campus wants you to get hit by a bus! Baby-sitters Club!
Claudia's room! Dawn is telling a hilaaaaarious story about how Marnie Barrett ate a bunch of cookies and then smushed one in her hand. Mallory says, "Be sure to put that in the club notebook so we'll all know that oatmeal raisin is Marnie's favorite!" I guess having just told everyone in the room doesn't count? God, Mal.
Mrs. Arnold calls wanting a sitter, and in a disgraceful show of continuity and overall writing, Stacey offers the job to Jessi because they like her "secret language" even though Mallory is the one who taught it to them, and Jessi takes it even though she doesn’t even know when it's for. ("No, I don't know when. JUST SHOW UP AND RAISE MY CHILDREN.") Oh, yeah, Mrs. Arnold recommended the BSC to her new neighbor too. She should be calling any - RING RING!
"Hello, Baby-sitter's Club. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Oh, hello, Courtney's mom! How convenient of you to call! Hey, some of the other baby-sitters and the kids they're sitting for are getting together to play on the afternoon you want me to baby-sit, is it cool if I go along and take your kid? Even though I didn't even ask her if she wanted to go, and she probably won't since she's shy and we don't know each other and she showed no interest in socializing with them before? Even though I'm being paid to entertain her and not myself? Okay, cool, bye!"
Good thing she doesn't know yet that I am completely and utterly psychotic.
Next scene: Stoneybrook Elementary! Whose signage is way, way better looking than Stoneybrook General, at least. Kristy is there to pick up Courtney from school and is led to the godawful caterwauling coming from her classroom as Courtney sings Happy Birthday to the class mouse. I used to think the actress was tone deaf or stupid or both if she didn't know how Happy goddamn Birthday was supposed to sound, but I now know this atrocity isn't her fault because Happy Birthday is copyrighted and a Q-list operation like this sure isn't going to shell out for it, so instead it sounds like she's singing it backwards. Like, did you ever fiddle with your parents' record player as a kid and play 45s in reverse because you thought it would sound hilarious but in actuality it's just creepy? That is exactly how this version of Happy Mouse Day sounds.
The Satanic message isn't even hidden.
Anyway, Kristy's like, "Sup" and Courtney's like "Yo" and Kristy's like, "Let's bounce, then" and this scene is kind of pointless, except maybe to establish that Courtney likes animals better than people. So do I, if the baseline is Kristy versus my dog.
Next scene: The Stoneybrook Video Store! Oh my god, once again they're trashing a public place like a frat house during Greek Week. I know they've got a bunch of kids with them, but there are literally videotapes all over the floor and they're sitting in the middle of the aisle and the kids are grabbing things screaming "I WANT THIS ONE NO THAT ONE WAHHHH"
No.
Absolutely not.
Don't believe what you hear about Netflix; the BSC singlehandedly bankrupted Blockbuster. Because if I walked in there to rent a movie and saw that, I would turn heel, walk out, and never come back, and so would anyone with a sense of moral decency. I imagine that about a year past the end of the series, Stoneybrook was a burned out, boarded up ghost town. The handful of people left behind would tell tales with haunted, sunken eyes: "This used to be a thriving city until this band of baby-sitters descended everywhere...the rioting..."
Kristy shows up all, "And here's Courtney!" No one even stops whining and screaming long enough to say hello. I can't imagine why she'd rather hang out with the class animals. They're slightly less prone to cannibalism, anyway. She grabs a video off the rack at random and is like, "How about this?" and everyone is like "Hurray!" and claps. Okay, whatever. Kristy proclaims her a genius and then knocks over a display rack. I would set my own store on fire if I saw them coming.
In another part of the store, some kid named Jeremy is putting up suave-looking campaign posters...for third-grade student council. In the video store? In public? On the door of the, uh, "adult" back room? Who in the hell's vote is he trying to get? What kind of campaign is this? He hands out buttons to Courtney and Jackie, who roll their eyes. The born salesman says its great to have their vote, then looks at his bare wrist and says "Gotta run! Late for a pep squad meeting!" This seems like it's supposed to be a joke, except he does it so quickly I think the wardrobe department might have just forgotten to give him a watch. I would not put it past them.
They were too busy fashioning old pantyhose into a wig for Dawn.
After he's gone, Kristy rolls her eyes and snots, "Who or what was that?" Claudia says with some disdain that he's "Justin Marver's little brother," and Kristy replies, "I should have guessed. They're exactly alike - gross." I see Jeremy is another victim of Sabrina Bouvier Syndrome, wherein it's perfectly okay for teenagers to mock or bully children half their age for no reason as long as their parents have committed the cardinal sin of not hiring the BSC. How refreshing and family-friendly.
Mal says, "Hey, Kristy, remember when Justin beat you in the science fair?" HA-ha! Kristy pissily says he cheated and even Dawn's like, "No he didn't; he deserved to win." Kristy makes an ugly sore loser face. Oh, goody, a TRUE Sabrina Bouvier episode - in which people who are just plain better than you at something must be evil and deserve to be taken down a peg. I just love those; they teach us so much about life. Specifically, that Ann lives in a hole in the ground and knows nothing about it.
Next scene - Brewer mansion! How the hell did they drive everyone over there? There wasn't any easier place for the kids to get together? Some scenery scout doesn't know a damn thing about the books, I'd wager. Anyway, Kristy says, "So I guess you're voting for whoever's running against Jeremy, huh, Courtney?" That seems exceedingly rude, considering she doesn't know Courtney - Jeremy could be her best friend, for all she knows. And considering she doesn't know Jeremy - just because he happens to be a tad smarmy doesn't mean he isn't a really good choice for student council. And, you know, considering she doesn't know who's running against Jeremy - could be an eight-year-old Nazi. In other words, shut the hell up, K. Ron, that is tacky and ignorant and none of your business.
Jackie says no one is running against Jeremy, which makes his slick, expensive-looking, town-wide campaign seem especially ridiculous. ("Vote for me! I'm better than nobody!") Courtney whines that she wishes someone would run because the popular kids always seem to win. That's usually a valid complaint, but not when no one else is even trying, for christ's sake. Kristy says she should run, then. I'd ordinarily be indignant about pushing a shy little girl into running for office against her will, but it does feel like put up or shut up time, since Courtney is the one who complained about it. Courtney opts for "shut up" because she doesn't want to talk in front of people and doesn't think anyone would vote for her. But if you think K. Ron would accept no for an answer, you must be one of the scenery people.
I'm going to roofie her milk.
Next scene: The library! The establishing shot is cleverly framed so you can't see what city it says above "Public Library," but it clearly isn't Stoneybrook. I see what you did there, director. The baby-sitters loudly speculate about why Kristy wanted to meet there: "Remember Kristy's last big idea?" Mallory says. "She got us all lost in New York!" "AND NEARLY GOT MARY ANNE AND ME ARRESTED!" Dawn shrieks. Bellows of laughter all around. I repeat: They are in a library. INDOOR GODDAMN VOICES, LADIES.
Kristy comes marching up with an armload of books while the patriotic military snare starts to play.
Not pictured: Mein Kampf; The Art of War
She's like, "Listen up! The grade school elections are coming up and Courtney would make a great candidate!" Everyone looks sort of blank and Jessi lets out a perfect deadpan, "So?" and I laugh so hard I pee my pants a little. Yes, K. Ron. Tell us all what relevance the third-grade elections have to all of our lives.
K. Ron explains that Courtney has a self-esteem problem, so the BSC needs to be her campaign managers to boost her confidence. Oooor maybe she just doesn't want to run. I can't think of anything I want to do less, both now that I am grown and at any point in my schooling career, than be on student council. I didn't want to campaign. I didn't want to speak in front of anyone. I had no opinions on how the school should be run. I didn't want to attend boring-ass meetings if god forbid I actually won. All I ever wanted, from ages four to twenty-two, was show up, do the absolute minimum amount of work, speak only to the people I hated the least, and go home early. That is it. So perhaps they should find out if Courtney feels the same way before they go making her decisions for her, hmmm?
Thank god Mary Anne is there to agree with me: "Courtney's shy. Maybe we should find out how she feels about it?" But no one even acknowledges that she spoke, because Kristy is a monumental asshole. Everyone gets up, excitedly discussing what they can do - hey, Claudia can make her campaign posters! Christ, what an idea! Mary Anne remains, looking like she sat on a tack.
Next scene: Stoneybrook Elementary! Courtney is fruitlessly trying to shove a cracker in a birdcage to get the bird to talk: "Percy want a biscuit? Come on! Percy want a biscuit!" I believe the problem is that the bird is a parakeet, not a parrot.
I only speak Russian, lady.
Kristy comes in and is basically as condescending as Courtney is being to the parakeet: "Courtney want a student council seat?" Also she's a bitch about Jeremy some more, saying: "It's important to have an honest and real kid running, right?" God, you look at one invisible watch and you're a liar. This really is the sequel to Little Miss Stoneybrook and Dawn. Forcing shy children into the limelight to further your own personal agenda? Check. Denouncing their more talented competition as fakes and cheaters based on no evidence? Check. If I see a banana at any point, I swear to god I am shutting this thing down.
Courtney still doesn't want to run, but Kristy nastily says, "Why should kids like Jeremy and Justin always win everything?" Why should you automatically beat them just because you don't like them, Kristy? Sorry about your science fair vendetta, but you need to learn how to lose gracefully. Courtney finally agrees when Kristy informs her that the BSC is going to be her campaign team. What is even UP with this election? The first election I can even remember having was in the fifth grade and the "posters" and "campaigning" were confined to our own classroom. Because, you know, that's who was voting. It's not like the local alderman needs to know Courtney's stance on the bathroom pass.
Next scene! The BSC marches down the street, arms full of posters and shit, Kristy barking orders left and right. Mary Anne is still trying to get them to back off a little because she thinks Courtney will be nervous and overwhelmed. Someone must have read over the script and realized they'd been forgetting to shoehorn in everyone's traits, because Dawn randomly says she'll teach Courtney some yoga and Stacey says she'll take her shopping. Uh...okay. What the hell kind of campaign are they running.
CREEP had better campaign tactics than this.
Jessi thinks Courtney needs a slogan, so Claudia suggests "Jeremy is a Germ." You bitches are getting on my last nerve with your unwarranted nastiness. Mary Anne throws out "Westin's the Best One," which everyone totally lies and says is not bad. But then, Jeremy's slogan is "Marver-lous," so how hard do they even need to try, really. Mallory suggests "Count on Court," which I have always hated irrationally. Perhaps because you don't shorten people's names when they haven't said it's okay - what if she hates to be called Court, Mal? - and perhaps because they all start chanting "Count on Court! Count on Court! Count on Court!" as they march down the street. If there is one thing I do not do, ever, under any circumstances, it is chant a slogan in a group. It makes me so uncomfortable and gives me the awful willies to hear anyone do it, even somewhere stupid like a sporting event. It's the most frightening, brainless activity you can get swept up in, because you start it, and how do you stop? You start to think, what am I saying? Why am I saying it? Why is the guy next to me saying it? Why can't either of us STOP saying it? How are we saying it in such perfect unison? I don't like it, it doesn't even sound like English anymore, please make it stop. Cause you know who does repetitive chants? Cults. So actually, in this context it makes perfect sense.
I enjoy the fact that snarking BSC books makes me reveal all of my embarrassing neuroses to the world. Someone please tell me I'm not alone.
Anyway, they're still chanting when they reach Courtney's house...still chanting as they bang on the door...still chanting as she opens it and comes outside...still chanting as she lets them in...this is what I mean. I am legitimately scared. ("Honey, it's been six hours; how do we make your friends stop chanting and leave?")
The only way to shut them up is with a cut scene, as it happens. Courtney and Kristy scoop ice cream sundaes while Courtney frets about whether she'll say the wrong thing. Claudia and Dawn assure her that Kristy says the wrong thing all the time. HA! Case in point, Kristy comes over and snaps at Jessi for not making the lettering on the campaign posters straight enough. I'm the biggest freak on the planet for things like straight lettering and even I'd be like, "Um, I'm spending my unpaid free time making a poster for the student council election of a third-grader I don't even know. You'll get whatever the hell you get and like it." Anyway, in the ten seconds the camera is off her, Courtney perfectly makes and decorates four ice cream sundaes, to which Kristy says, "What'd I tell you? She's a winner!" Apparently she'd make a good government representative because she's quick with whipped cream?
This is all I look for in a U.S. President.
Time for a campaigning montage! They decorate posters outside, which, first, why, it's the dead of winter, and second, the posters are pretty, I guess, but completely uninformative. They all say "Count on Court." That's it. Count on what? Who? For what? Who would even understand what that meant? Depending where I saw it, I'd think it was an advertisement letting me know they were changing Night Court reruns from 9 to 10. Claudia and Courtney are sticking a ladybug in the right corner of one of the posters, but when Kristy sees what they're doing she rips it out of their hands all "NO THIS IS ALL WRONG YOU NEED A FLOWER IN THE LEFT CORNER IDIOTS" because I guess she read that in "A Great Political Campaign."
Taft had flowers in the upper left of all his campaign posters, you know.
Speechwriting! Kristy is droning on and on about the first line and the last line of the speech, and also the middle, but the last line, and the first line. They have to give speeches? And the other third-graders actually listen to them? Riiiiight. Courtney hands her finished speech over to Mal, who grins and nods. Kristy, reading over her shoulder, frowns and shakes her head. Wordlessly, Mal crumples it up and throws it away. I like that the baby-sitters were brought in to boost Courtney's confidence.
I wouldn't wipe my ass with your speech, maggot.
Hair and makeup! Well, hair. Stacey and Claudia deem Courtney's nice looking, regular, loose hair all wrong and try out different styles while Courtney makes a series of increasingly hilarious faces.
I hate you people.
What the hell kind of stylists are you? Drunk?
I wish I were bald.
For some reason the style they agree on as perfect for a future student councilwoman is a totally shitty looking messy ponytail. I mean, I wore a messy ponytail to my own wedding and even I think this thing looks like shit, so. Even if it looked cool, how does that convey "government" and "responsibility" better than her original neatly combed hair? Oh, right. She's dealing with Claudia, who thinks a skirt made of rainbow gauze also looks "responsible."
I'm only smiling so you'll turn your backs and I can escape.
The mall! Mary Anne asks Dawn if she thinks Kristy is pushing Courtney too hard. Dawn says, "None of us realized it would be this much work. Between school and baby-sitting and the campaign, I'm exhausted." It's like Mary Anne is speaking Martian. Has anyone actually responded to anything she's said regarding Courtney?
No one understands me like you do, Mannequin.
"Introducing the new Courtney Weston!" Stacey announces as they come out of the dressing room. Mary Anne points out for the benefit of the vision-impaired that Courtney is dressed exactly like Stacey. Kristy says looks are very important in politics and Stacey is a hip dresser. Um...so is Lady Gaga, and yet I don't see Hilary Clinton dressing like her. Funny, that.
The British royals do take their hat cues from Jessi, however.
Here comes the durpy music - must be Jeremy! I don't know why an eight-year-old boy is shopping in what appears to be Express, but okay. He calls over his brother, Justin, the suavest badass this side of Don Johnson.
The popped collar? The polo tucked into his belted jeans? The rolled up sleeves of the Members Only jacket? DO ME.
Justin is a total smarm and repeatedly calls Kristy "Krystal," to her increasing anger. It's reaaaally funny. He slimily says she should try out for the school musical or the join him with the SMS paper - "But I guess you're just too busy playing softball with the neighborhood kiddies, huh, Krystal?" Well...he's clearly a dick, but he makes a really good point. She gets on Courtney's case about how someone needs to run against Jeremy, but she doesn't compete against Justin for anything - he's working on the paper and performing in the musical, but she doesn't do anything but baby-sit. Maybe he beats you at everything because he spends time on many worthwhile activities instead of one creepy obsession, Krystal.
"Big J." and "Little J." finally take off - "See you at the election, Courtney. May the best...MAN win" - and Kristy explodes all, "Jeremy's such a phony! He's just a carbon copy of his brother!" Everyone tsk tsks and agrees except for Courtney herself, the only one capable of understanding the concept of irony. Standing next to Stacey in the mirror, she gazes into the abyss, and the abyss gazes back into her.
It looks a lot like matching cowboy boots.
Small interlude scene! Mary Anne, Jackie, and Scumbag Dawn are nailing a "Count on Court" sign to a tree.
Claims to be an environmental nut; kills a tree by hammering nails into it.
HOW WILL THAT HELP HER ELECTION? WHO IS GOING TO SEE THAT WHO IS ACTUALLY ELIGIBLE TO VOTE IN THIS? What an absolute waste of time and resources. Anyway, Jackie assures them he's not doing this because he likes Courtney. He's doing this because he like to hammer stuff. Or because Kristy is using him as unpaid slave labor, like everyone else in her life.
In school the next day, Jackie offers to walk home with Courtney after the bell rings, but she has to go work on her speech with Kristy. Jeremy overhears and starts in with "Hurr de hurr, Jackie looooves Courtney, now you have to do something mean to her to prooooove you don't loooove her." He drags Jackie over to the snake tank. Given that Courtney is the animal monitor and certainly isn't afraid of snakes, I have to surmise they're going to kill it.
RIP, "Izzy." If that is, in fact, your real name.
"Do you think it should be 'Teachers, friends, and parents' or 'Teachers, parents, and friends'?" Kristy drones while waiting outside the school for Courtney. I do not know how the others didn't snap and shove her down the steps screaming, "NO ONE CARES! NO ONE HAS EVER CARED! NO ONE WILL EVER CARE! EVEN IF SHE WERE RUNNING FOR SUPREME RULER OF THE PLANET, NO ONE WOULD CARE!"
Courtney comes outside and wants to play with her friend Kathy for a little while. The other sitters say yes, but Kristy says no; they have too much to do before "Meet the Candidates" tomorrow. This is the fakest sounding third-grade election I have ever heard of. Ever. I've never heard of a "Meet the Candidates" for local elections, even. Courtney disappointedly says no to her friend, thereby alienating one person who certainly would have voted for her. Nice campaign technique, Krystal.
Kristy feeds Courtney the "Teachers, friends, and parents" line a couple of times, admonishing her to speak louder. Jessi basically manhandles her and snaps, "Eyes up! Back straight!" Jesus, Jessi. I'm sure Mme Noelle was the original Abby Lee Miller, but that's no reason to take it out on Courtney. Only Dawn and Mary Anne encourage Courtney to breathe and relax, to which Kristy snaps, "Oh great, so this is a big joke?" Breathing: Apparently a big joke.
Next scene: "Meet the Candidates"! While Courtney wines and dines the voters, Kristy is standing next to her yelling into a megaphone without drawing breath, like a carnival barker: "Courtney Weston here for you the ONE the ONLY ONE who can MAKE the DIFFERENCE BUY one get one FREE tastes GREAT less FILLING HEY baby HUM baby SWING BATTER." I like to think I make informed, conscientious votes, but when you get right down to it, I'm probably voting for the guy whose campaign manager isn't literally screaming in my ear. If Jeremy's booth is handing out Excedrin tablets, I'm sold.
Sadly, Jeremy is not capitalizing on how badly Courtney is bombing on the other side of the gym, but is busy instructing Jackie to put a snake down his pants. That's not a euphemism.
And yet Jeremy smiles like an utter pervert all the same.
He tells Jackie to drop the snake in Courtney's booth so she’ll "scream her guts out." One, I don't know how that's supposed to mess up her campaign - like a third-grader really cares whether another third-grader is afraid of snakes - and two, for such a slick politician, how does he not know his competitor well enough to know she's not afraid of snakes anyway. Justin would never make such a novice mistake, I'm sure.
Jackie sidles up to Courtney's booth with the snake hanging out (...seriously), sweating and grimacing as she asks him what's wrong. Stacey startles him by pointing out that he's limping (...oh god) and the snake chooses that moment to lunge out of his pants (that one is also sexual).
Family-friendly entertainment, ladies and gentlemen.
There's pandemonium and screaming, of course, and someone uses a ruler to flip the snake right onto Jeremy's table. He promptly starts screaming his guts out, which makes no sense, because he just had Izzy with Jackie a second ago and he wasn't scared of it then. Anyway, the funny part is that Justin is standing there while the snake flies past his face and he literally does not blink.
That Stacey chick sure is hot. Wonder where I can get a good churro when this is over.
Someone tries to kill the snake with a book, but Courtney intervenes and picks him up: "It's just Izzy, our snake from science class!" The science teacher who was standing there passively, perfectly content to let some kids smash Izzy into a bookmark, is like, "Oh, yeah. I guess I'll take him back to his cage." Sure glad a student was there to do your job, Mr. Shit-for-Brains. Anyway, everybody points and laughs at Jeremy for screaming, which also makes no sense, because they were all screaming too. Justin, suddenly realizing something has occurred, merely buries his head in his hands.
Back at her own booth, the baby-sitters are worshipful of Courtney, as they always are when any one of their own manages to solve a minor problem - "OMG you cleaned a stain out of Mrs. Newton's carpet, that was SO AMAZING" - but Kristy is merely suspicious: "I bet Jeremy and Justin were behind that little stunt. They can't be trusted!" The others think she's lost it, but why they think that, I don't know. I mean, it clearly had to be one of the candidates trying to upset the other, and they know it wasn't them, so.
Anyway, Kristy goes out to the hall to get a drink of water and is intercepted by Justin and his big talk all "Ah, Krystal, how nice of you to try to help Courtney run when you know she doesn't stand a chance." I personally think it's stupid that Kristy lets herself get riled up by his little mind games: "For the ten millionth time, the name's Kristy!" Like, does she really think he doesn't know what her name is? You're only making yourself look dumb, Krystal.
Courtney of course comes out to overhear Kristy blustering on all, "Oh yeah? We're going to win!" "We?" Justin repeats. "Are you running now too?" He cackles and walks off as if he's scored a point, even though this makes no sense, because every campaign team refers to itself as "we." Somebody didn't read up on "The Presidential Character"!
Kristy turns to see Courtney and comforts her by saying, "Come on, we can't do this without you." Courtney mumbles, "You sure are trying." Oh, snap! Kristy asks what's up and Courtney totally snaps, shrieking, "I'm going to lose anyway! Why don't you go home and leave me alone?!" YESSSSSS. Tell Krystal to cram it!
Mary Anne: "I told you so." Stacey: "Did you hear something?" Kristy: "Must have been the wind."
Next scene! The baby-sitters, sans Kristy, are gathered outside the school, whining about how bad they feel about pushing Courtney to be something she's not. "Those clothes," Stacey moans, putting her face in her hands. "That HAIR," Mal counters. HA! They wish there was something they could do to get her back in the race...but it's too late. "Maybe not!" Dawn says as the inspirational doin' stuff music starts to play. "Come on, there's not much time!" They have to find Kristy and get her to convince Courtney to just be herself! Wait, Dawn's wearing a different Scumbag Hat from the earlier scenes. It's nearly identical, but the other one had a leafy pattern and this one doesn't.
Claims to be an anti-consumerist hippie, owns two of the same hat.
Inside the school, Kristy is dejectedly petting the third-grade class mouse. That's...uh, creepy. Do they really let random teenagers hang around the elementary school classrooms after hours? Courtney comes in and Kristy's all, "Courtney...I knew you'd come." Yes. Creepy. She speeches about how she was so wrong to try to change Courtney, and Courtney speeches about how she thought she was letting Kristy down by not winning. Kristy assures her that as long as Courtney is herself, she'll still like her no matter what. They hug, just long enough that I sort of want to call the cops.
Outside, the baby-sitters race down a street that has a "Count on Court" poster nailed to every surface. That is a public eyesore and probably illegal. They're all "OMG we can't find Kristy and the speeches are about to start! We'll have to convince Courtney all on our own!" So, you didn't check to see if Kristy was WITH Courtney? I like that it doesn't even occur to them that Kristy might have gone and done the right thing all by herself.
The speeches are already underway at SES, where Jeremy announces to "Forget those nasty cafeteria fish sticks! And of course, I'm for longer recess!" Enthusiastic applause. Yes, I'm really sure that schoolday scheduling and cafeteria supplier contracts are the kind of things they allow the third-grade representative to decide on.
I will also tighten the PTA budget and repave the teachers' parking lot.
The baby-sitters rush into the auditorium and Dawn yells, "Oh, no, Jeremy's up! They've already gotten to the third-grade speeches! Hurry, we gotta find her!" Yes, yells. Right in the middle of his speech. We've officially hit a new etiquette low. Jeremy, politely ignoring the interruption, winds up with some bullshit about how everybody is going to just vote for their friends, but he thinks of all of his classmates as his friends, so vote for him, their friend. Well, the first part is right. Hence why this campaign is so pointless. I got news for you, kids, that keeps on going right through college. I'm not saying you should sleep with people if you want to win votes. I'm saying it helps.
After combing the whole audience, the baby-sitters finally find Courtney backstage just before she's about to go on. Who would have thought? Backstage! Seconds before her speech! Amazing! God, they're stupid. Dawn does that annoying TV show thing where there's no time to say something important, so instead of blurting it out, she's like, "We have something really important to tell you, okay? Really important! Brace yourself! Listen! Important info coming up! Wait WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M OUT OF TIME NOW BUT BUT STAMMER FLAIL I CAN'T FORM WORDS." Courtney's up and doesn't seem at all interested in the important information she might be missing, like maybe the building is on fire or something.
Courtney heads out, symbolically pulling out her ponytail. Claudia looks confused by this. Although it's possible the massive globe earrings she's wearing are so heavy that her brain has started to leak out her ears.
What's the capital of orange?
"You probably know who you're voting for already," Courtney says. "And I know these speeches aren't real important." "They're NOT?" Mal says loudly. Stacey shushes her. Oh, that merits a shush, but yelling and trampling the audience through half of Jeremy's speech is cool. Assholes. He and Sabrina Bouvier should form a support group.
Anyway, her speech is pretty much an ass-lick to the BSC and how they supported her, and so she'll support everyone else and listen to their ideas. And she also mentions that she's got good ideas of her own, which is the third or fourth mention of Courtney's said good ideas, yet no one has elaborated on a single one of them. I guess she's running on a platform of smooth rhetoric covering zero content. Polite applause. And then Kristy shouts, "Count on Court!" Oh, no. No. Nooooo. The baby-sitters pick up the chant, but it takes way too long to get started among the students. God, this is so awkward. It finally does catch on, though, enthusiastically. I assume it probably has to be put out with SWAT teams in riot gear between scenes.
Proving that shouting a slogan long enough really will cause your brain to turn into mayonnaise, Courtney wins the election. So thoroughly, in fact, that she wins it before the election even occurs, because the "Meet the Candidates" greet-and-speech stuff was supposed to take place the day before the election, according to what Kristy said earlier, but this is obviously right after the speech because everyone is in the same clothes. (Administrators: "Oh, what the hell, let's just appoint her now. The catchy slogan can't lose.")
Everybody apologizes, congratulates, and makes up, then offers to take Courtney out to Pizza Express to celebrate, along with her new friends Kathy and Jackie. Now she's not a loner freak, you see. The BSC solves all problems! Even ones that really didn't exist.
You know, Kristy muses as they prepare to leave, now that she has all this campaign experience, she was thinking she should run for student council herself! Everyone rolls their eyes and walks away as she throws up her hands all, "I was joking, guys! Ha ha?" Why is that a joke? What's wrong with running for student council, if you want to? Oh, right. Because doing anything unconnected to the BSC isn't allowed and therefore the very idea is laughable. Hey, she could always run under a pseudonym.
Kount on "Krystal."