Super Special #11 The Baby-sitters Remember - Dawn
Prologue/Kristy - Stacey - Claudia - Jessi - Logan - Mallory - Shannon
Dawn. Oh, Dawn. Everyone hates Dawn, to the point that her signature isn’t even on the cover of this book. According to the back cover, “Dawn shares her memory of first meeting Mary Anne.” However, as mentioned in the comments of Logan’s memory, that’s not quite true...
Dawn’s writing a letter to the club, and apparently Mary Anne wrote to her about the slumber party they had, and the “game” they played. Less a game and more of a question, really, but okay. At least her handwriting is legible, so that’s one advantage she has over some people (I’m looking at you, Jessi, and not because you’re black).
California girl decides that her parent’s divorce was her most vivid memory, and I slam the book down with a loud “WHAT” because for fuck’s sake, her parents split a year ago. What a complete and utter cop-out. Why can’t these girls remember anything that’s NOT plot-relevant and/or one of their character traits? Kristy remembers baby-sitting, Stacey remembers diabetes, Claudia remembers art, Jessi remembers Squirt, Logan remembers book 10, Mallory remembers meeting an author, and Shannon remembers a bitchy new girl. Each of those things is either directly related to one of their character traits (being an artist, being a writer, etc) or else explains/retells some sort of plot-important event (interest in babysitting, girlfriend, etc). The only two that really come close are Jessi, though her family is pretty much one of her character traits, and Mary Anne (who I’ll get to later on). Ugh, it makes me sick.
Wow, hi ranting. I think I should take some Midol...
That’s better! So, like I said, Dawn is gonna regale us with the tale of her parents’ divorce, and the only thing keeping me going right now is my favorite line in this book (which, in my opinion, would have made a much better story if it had been the truth. Don’t worry, we’ll get to it).
Dawn used to think that her life would never change at twelve. Well, not never change, but not change drastically in a few short months. She actually says that she knew she wouldn’t “be twelve forever, or that I wouldn’t go on to high school and grow up and maybe have a family of my own...” words that cause me to laugh really, really hard. News for ya, Dawn: You’ll be thirteen forever, you’ll get to high school in California Diaries (I think? Never read those) which happens after about 12 trips through eighth grade-and you’ll still be in eighth grade!-and you’re never growing up. Deal with it, bitch.
The school year has just started, Jeff is doing well, and somehow Dawn’s teacher knows she’ll be on the honor roll even though it’s the beginning of the year. Whatever. Also, she’s fucking babysitting. Because why not, I guess.
But of course, life isn’t perfect, and her parents are the flaw. They’re fighting a lot, and cold to each other, and Sharon gets all pissy about poached eggs. Dawn and Jeff shrug it off, because, again, why not. Then there’s a fight during dinner (and Dawn is more excited about getting a job to babysit her brother than worried about her parents’ marriage being on the rocks. Also, what nine-year-old boy is going to do what his twelve-year-old sister says?), and Mr. Shafer bails to go hang out with his friends.
Dawn explains the chain of events: They fight, Mom says Dad is never around, Dad says why be around when they fight, Dad leaves, Mom gets more pissed. Meanwhile, the kids are more oblivious to the world around them than me when I’m in the middle of a good book, and don’t realize what this is all leading up to. Also, what the hell is Mr. Shafer’s first name? I don’t remember it for some reason.
Apparently bored of her parents’ having constant shouting matches, Dawn informs us that she was studying for a quiz, and that she got an A- on it. Good for you? Why is this important? And her parents have a shouting match and Mr. Shafer takes off for work. Then he doesn’t come home that night. Dawn is all worried, and Sharon is like “chill the fuck out he’s a jerk. Here, smoke some of this and calm down” or something. They wonder if he’s stuck in a major traffic jam, and Sharon gets more scatterbrained than ever... or is plotting to murder her children. Your call, but she grabs a knife and pours Jeff a glass of seltzer when he asked for milk, so... Yeah.
So, they eat dinner without Mr. Shafer. Then they go to bed and he’s still not home. Clearly the man is out enjoying his whores while he can. I don’t blame him, I’d never want to be home either if I had Dawn for a daughter.
He’s still not back the next morning (those must be some damn fine whores), and Sharon isn’t in the mood for questions. Probably trying to remember where she put the cyanide caplets so she can kill the children and make Mr. Shafer (THE HELL IS HIS NAME?! I’m gonna have to check another book...) feel guilty.
JACK! His first name is Jack, and I had to skim through about half of Super Special # 12: here Come the Bridesmaids (pssst, read a snark here!) to find it. Ugh, what a waste of time.
Poor little Dawn has a tummyache, and decides to get a cup of herbal tea in the middle of the night to make herself feel better. Well, until she promptly crashed into the hide-a-bed her mom is sleeping on. I hope she broke her foot. Sharon lies about having a stomach bug, and Dawn is all “okay,” because she’s oblivious. But she does notice that her mom keeps sleeping on the hide-a-bed. Also, despite Dawn informing us of her grade on the quiz she was studying for, she forgets to mention if she got her tea. Did you, Dawn? Did you having your damn herbal tea with only a teaspoon of raw sugar and environmentally friendly teabags? Really, I must know.
Her parents having a shouting match wake Dawn up in the middle of the night, and then Jack takes off for a few days. The chapter closes with her parents saying that they need to talk to her and Jeff.
Glee! This is my favorite line in the book! It’s the only thing that’s keeping me going on this stupid story (seriously, get bent, Dawn).
Transcribed for your reading pleasure:
Well, maybe you know what my parents were going to say to Jeff and me, but I sure didn’t. I did not have a clue. I would not have been any more surprised if Dad had said “Dawn, Jeff, I have to tell you something. I’ve been going to clown school and I’ve decided to join the circus.”
Heehee pardon me while I laugh for an hour! That paragraph is just so... it may be one of the best pieces of written word in BSC history. First, there’s the fact that Dawn breaks the fourth wall by talking to the reader. Then, she gets redundant on the fact that she’s an idiot-that second sentence only serves to point out that Dawn is stupid. And finally, the pièce de résistance... Clown school. Joining the circus. I don’t know what it is, but it just amuses me so much. Maybe because you know that Dawn frowns on circuses-animal cruelty and deep fried foods and whatnot. Maybe because the idea of a grown man with children secretly going to clown school is hilarious. Maybe the fact that it’s “clown school” instead of “Clown College” because Jack Shafer isn’t good enough for Clown College. But really... I think it’s the mere idea that even Dawn acknowledges that her father would rather be a circus clown than deal with his family. The part she forgets to mention is that he’d rather be a clown than deal with his family because of her.
Instead he says that they’re getting a divorce, Jeff flips his shit, Dawn flips her shit and blames Sharon, and Jack gets some good old fashioned child abuse in there when he “grabbed [Dawn] by the wrist and jerked [her] down so that [she] had to sit on the couch again.” Now just slap her a little bit and maybe the healing can begin...
Dawn tries to reason that because her and Jeff fight but still love each other, clearly her parents should too. Ugh, what a twit. Also, Jack uses a bunch of big words to try to explain this to his children, which is just dumb. So anyways, Jack says that he’s gonna stay in a motel for a while (with his whores) and Jeff and Dawn stomp off all pissy.
So up next Dawn gets to flip out about the fact that she’s being moved to Connecticut. Also, when faced with Jeff’s freak out about it, and his “you can’t make me” Sharon just goes “actually, I totally can lol.” Great parenting, Sharon...
Dawn has to tell Sunny about the fact that her parents are breaking up and she’s moving, and it’s a sob-fest. Boring.
While packing, Sharon and jack just keep fighting over the stuff in the house. You know, “you can’t take that lamp it’s from my (clown?) college days” and all. Dawn runs away to Sunny’s place, and Sunny decides to throw her a going away party. It’s another sob-fest, but we’re spared intimate details of how many tissues each girl uses. Thank god. Also, there are no children included in this sad little party, which is frankly amazing. Instead Dawn invites all her "closest friends"... All three of them, I bet.
Dawn ends a chapter in her life, and we end a chapter in the book. Please let her story be over, please let her story be over... *turns the page*
Dammit!
The kids are in a bad mood, unsurprisingly. More crying, before we come to our cover picture.
Dawn and her giant nose look pissed. Her hair isn’t lo-o-o-ong, nor is it “cornsilk bonde,” or anything even close, in the grayscale. The airplane window looks like a mirror, and something about the reflection just seems wrong... Like her face is at the wrong angle. Hard to describe. At least she doesn’t have giant man-hands.
They talk about the infamous farmhouse a bit in the car, and Dawn is surprised that she likes it when they drive by. Then she turns into a major bitch to her mom because she can’t call Sunny. Jesus, girl, will you calm the hell down? Sharon almost smacks her, and the amount of child abuse (or near misses) in this flashback is... almost disturbing. Dawn comments that she was “certainly being rude enough” to deserve a slap. I mean... wow. That’s a bit harsh.
Obviously, this is all because holy shit stress from the divorce and move, for both Dawn and Sharon, and Granny talks to them both and lets them both cry it out on her shoulder. Granny would be competing with Mimi for Best Grandma Ever, except she’s not around as much to be awesome (and a judgmental cow, apparently).
They spend the day moving in, go to get some food (pizza? But it probably has processed cheese and non-vegan sauce! Gasp! Also, they get “milk” instead of “organic, nature-friendly soymilk”. Haha), and then all end up in Sharon’s bed, terrified of the new house. Which is sort of logical for Jeff, I mean... he’s nine. I moved into a new house (next to a freaking graveyard!) when I was eight, and I spent more than a few nights with a nightlight (partly so that I wouldn’t crash into anything in my new room if I got up, of course). Dawn, however, is officially pathetic. Don’t be all “I love ghost stories!” and then pansy out as soon as the sun goes down. This is why I hate book #9, too (that and maaaaybe it scared me when I was reading it as a kid...).
(I feel like Ellen Miles, with all those parenthesis.)
Oh, hey, and now we get Dawn’s side of the part in book #4 where she meets Mary Anne. Dawn is all “Yes! New kid! Mine!” about it, and thankfully really, really brief about the rest, because I’m so sick of her chapter.
We wrap up with a mushy note about how things change and she’ll be back in Stoneybrook soon (NOOOOOOO!!) and I didn’t realize that this book was when Dawn only “temporarily” moved to Cali-I thought it was after the big move. Then again, Abby isn’t in it.
So, despite the back cover summary, the instance of “Dawn meeting Mary Anne” is about three lines, and then a giant “summary of my life after that” paragraph full of horrible transitions (“and not long after that...” “and not long after that” “and not too long after that...” for a paragraph. Lame.
Ugh. I used to have no opinion of Dawn, but having to write about her... I hate her. I hate her so much. I have so much respect for anyone that can stand her long enough to do an entire Dawn book. I’d go absolutely fucking ballistic.
Haha, clown school.
Mary Anne is the last one to have a memory, and I’ll include the epilogue (and another editing fail) with hers. Until then, take care.
And ugh, LJ was a pain about letting me post this.
Dawn. Oh, Dawn. Everyone hates Dawn, to the point that her signature isn’t even on the cover of this book. According to the back cover, “Dawn shares her memory of first meeting Mary Anne.” However, as mentioned in the comments of Logan’s memory, that’s not quite true...
Dawn’s writing a letter to the club, and apparently Mary Anne wrote to her about the slumber party they had, and the “game” they played. Less a game and more of a question, really, but okay. At least her handwriting is legible, so that’s one advantage she has over some people (I’m looking at you, Jessi, and not because you’re black).
California girl decides that her parent’s divorce was her most vivid memory, and I slam the book down with a loud “WHAT” because for fuck’s sake, her parents split a year ago. What a complete and utter cop-out. Why can’t these girls remember anything that’s NOT plot-relevant and/or one of their character traits? Kristy remembers baby-sitting, Stacey remembers diabetes, Claudia remembers art, Jessi remembers Squirt, Logan remembers book 10, Mallory remembers meeting an author, and Shannon remembers a bitchy new girl. Each of those things is either directly related to one of their character traits (being an artist, being a writer, etc) or else explains/retells some sort of plot-important event (interest in babysitting, girlfriend, etc). The only two that really come close are Jessi, though her family is pretty much one of her character traits, and Mary Anne (who I’ll get to later on). Ugh, it makes me sick.
Wow, hi ranting. I think I should take some Midol...
That’s better! So, like I said, Dawn is gonna regale us with the tale of her parents’ divorce, and the only thing keeping me going right now is my favorite line in this book (which, in my opinion, would have made a much better story if it had been the truth. Don’t worry, we’ll get to it).
Dawn used to think that her life would never change at twelve. Well, not never change, but not change drastically in a few short months. She actually says that she knew she wouldn’t “be twelve forever, or that I wouldn’t go on to high school and grow up and maybe have a family of my own...” words that cause me to laugh really, really hard. News for ya, Dawn: You’ll be thirteen forever, you’ll get to high school in California Diaries (I think? Never read those) which happens after about 12 trips through eighth grade-and you’ll still be in eighth grade!-and you’re never growing up. Deal with it, bitch.
The school year has just started, Jeff is doing well, and somehow Dawn’s teacher knows she’ll be on the honor roll even though it’s the beginning of the year. Whatever. Also, she’s fucking babysitting. Because why not, I guess.
But of course, life isn’t perfect, and her parents are the flaw. They’re fighting a lot, and cold to each other, and Sharon gets all pissy about poached eggs. Dawn and Jeff shrug it off, because, again, why not. Then there’s a fight during dinner (and Dawn is more excited about getting a job to babysit her brother than worried about her parents’ marriage being on the rocks. Also, what nine-year-old boy is going to do what his twelve-year-old sister says?), and Mr. Shafer bails to go hang out with his friends.
Dawn explains the chain of events: They fight, Mom says Dad is never around, Dad says why be around when they fight, Dad leaves, Mom gets more pissed. Meanwhile, the kids are more oblivious to the world around them than me when I’m in the middle of a good book, and don’t realize what this is all leading up to. Also, what the hell is Mr. Shafer’s first name? I don’t remember it for some reason.
Apparently bored of her parents’ having constant shouting matches, Dawn informs us that she was studying for a quiz, and that she got an A- on it. Good for you? Why is this important? And her parents have a shouting match and Mr. Shafer takes off for work. Then he doesn’t come home that night. Dawn is all worried, and Sharon is like “chill the fuck out he’s a jerk. Here, smoke some of this and calm down” or something. They wonder if he’s stuck in a major traffic jam, and Sharon gets more scatterbrained than ever... or is plotting to murder her children. Your call, but she grabs a knife and pours Jeff a glass of seltzer when he asked for milk, so... Yeah.
So, they eat dinner without Mr. Shafer. Then they go to bed and he’s still not home. Clearly the man is out enjoying his whores while he can. I don’t blame him, I’d never want to be home either if I had Dawn for a daughter.
He’s still not back the next morning (those must be some damn fine whores), and Sharon isn’t in the mood for questions. Probably trying to remember where she put the cyanide caplets so she can kill the children and make Mr. Shafer (THE HELL IS HIS NAME?! I’m gonna have to check another book...) feel guilty.
JACK! His first name is Jack, and I had to skim through about half of Super Special # 12: here Come the Bridesmaids (pssst, read a snark here!) to find it. Ugh, what a waste of time.
Poor little Dawn has a tummyache, and decides to get a cup of herbal tea in the middle of the night to make herself feel better. Well, until she promptly crashed into the hide-a-bed her mom is sleeping on. I hope she broke her foot. Sharon lies about having a stomach bug, and Dawn is all “okay,” because she’s oblivious. But she does notice that her mom keeps sleeping on the hide-a-bed. Also, despite Dawn informing us of her grade on the quiz she was studying for, she forgets to mention if she got her tea. Did you, Dawn? Did you having your damn herbal tea with only a teaspoon of raw sugar and environmentally friendly teabags? Really, I must know.
Her parents having a shouting match wake Dawn up in the middle of the night, and then Jack takes off for a few days. The chapter closes with her parents saying that they need to talk to her and Jeff.
Glee! This is my favorite line in the book! It’s the only thing that’s keeping me going on this stupid story (seriously, get bent, Dawn).
Transcribed for your reading pleasure:
Well, maybe you know what my parents were going to say to Jeff and me, but I sure didn’t. I did not have a clue. I would not have been any more surprised if Dad had said “Dawn, Jeff, I have to tell you something. I’ve been going to clown school and I’ve decided to join the circus.”
Heehee pardon me while I laugh for an hour! That paragraph is just so... it may be one of the best pieces of written word in BSC history. First, there’s the fact that Dawn breaks the fourth wall by talking to the reader. Then, she gets redundant on the fact that she’s an idiot-that second sentence only serves to point out that Dawn is stupid. And finally, the pièce de résistance... Clown school. Joining the circus. I don’t know what it is, but it just amuses me so much. Maybe because you know that Dawn frowns on circuses-animal cruelty and deep fried foods and whatnot. Maybe because the idea of a grown man with children secretly going to clown school is hilarious. Maybe the fact that it’s “clown school” instead of “Clown College” because Jack Shafer isn’t good enough for Clown College. But really... I think it’s the mere idea that even Dawn acknowledges that her father would rather be a circus clown than deal with his family. The part she forgets to mention is that he’d rather be a clown than deal with his family because of her.
Instead he says that they’re getting a divorce, Jeff flips his shit, Dawn flips her shit and blames Sharon, and Jack gets some good old fashioned child abuse in there when he “grabbed [Dawn] by the wrist and jerked [her] down so that [she] had to sit on the couch again.” Now just slap her a little bit and maybe the healing can begin...
Dawn tries to reason that because her and Jeff fight but still love each other, clearly her parents should too. Ugh, what a twit. Also, Jack uses a bunch of big words to try to explain this to his children, which is just dumb. So anyways, Jack says that he’s gonna stay in a motel for a while (with his whores) and Jeff and Dawn stomp off all pissy.
So up next Dawn gets to flip out about the fact that she’s being moved to Connecticut. Also, when faced with Jeff’s freak out about it, and his “you can’t make me” Sharon just goes “actually, I totally can lol.” Great parenting, Sharon...
Dawn has to tell Sunny about the fact that her parents are breaking up and she’s moving, and it’s a sob-fest. Boring.
While packing, Sharon and jack just keep fighting over the stuff in the house. You know, “you can’t take that lamp it’s from my (clown?) college days” and all. Dawn runs away to Sunny’s place, and Sunny decides to throw her a going away party. It’s another sob-fest, but we’re spared intimate details of how many tissues each girl uses. Thank god. Also, there are no children included in this sad little party, which is frankly amazing. Instead Dawn invites all her "closest friends"... All three of them, I bet.
Dawn ends a chapter in her life, and we end a chapter in the book. Please let her story be over, please let her story be over... *turns the page*
Dammit!
The kids are in a bad mood, unsurprisingly. More crying, before we come to our cover picture.
Dawn and her giant nose look pissed. Her hair isn’t lo-o-o-ong, nor is it “cornsilk bonde,” or anything even close, in the grayscale. The airplane window looks like a mirror, and something about the reflection just seems wrong... Like her face is at the wrong angle. Hard to describe. At least she doesn’t have giant man-hands.
They talk about the infamous farmhouse a bit in the car, and Dawn is surprised that she likes it when they drive by. Then she turns into a major bitch to her mom because she can’t call Sunny. Jesus, girl, will you calm the hell down? Sharon almost smacks her, and the amount of child abuse (or near misses) in this flashback is... almost disturbing. Dawn comments that she was “certainly being rude enough” to deserve a slap. I mean... wow. That’s a bit harsh.
Obviously, this is all because holy shit stress from the divorce and move, for both Dawn and Sharon, and Granny talks to them both and lets them both cry it out on her shoulder. Granny would be competing with Mimi for Best Grandma Ever, except she’s not around as much to be awesome (and a judgmental cow, apparently).
They spend the day moving in, go to get some food (pizza? But it probably has processed cheese and non-vegan sauce! Gasp! Also, they get “milk” instead of “organic, nature-friendly soymilk”. Haha), and then all end up in Sharon’s bed, terrified of the new house. Which is sort of logical for Jeff, I mean... he’s nine. I moved into a new house (next to a freaking graveyard!) when I was eight, and I spent more than a few nights with a nightlight (partly so that I wouldn’t crash into anything in my new room if I got up, of course). Dawn, however, is officially pathetic. Don’t be all “I love ghost stories!” and then pansy out as soon as the sun goes down. This is why I hate book #9, too (that and maaaaybe it scared me when I was reading it as a kid...).
(I feel like Ellen Miles, with all those parenthesis.)
Oh, hey, and now we get Dawn’s side of the part in book #4 where she meets Mary Anne. Dawn is all “Yes! New kid! Mine!” about it, and thankfully really, really brief about the rest, because I’m so sick of her chapter.
We wrap up with a mushy note about how things change and she’ll be back in Stoneybrook soon (NOOOOOOO!!) and I didn’t realize that this book was when Dawn only “temporarily” moved to Cali-I thought it was after the big move. Then again, Abby isn’t in it.
So, despite the back cover summary, the instance of “Dawn meeting Mary Anne” is about three lines, and then a giant “summary of my life after that” paragraph full of horrible transitions (“and not long after that...” “and not long after that” “and not too long after that...” for a paragraph. Lame.
Ugh. I used to have no opinion of Dawn, but having to write about her... I hate her. I hate her so much. I have so much respect for anyone that can stand her long enough to do an entire Dawn book. I’d go absolutely fucking ballistic.
Haha, clown school.
Mary Anne is the last one to have a memory, and I’ll include the epilogue (and another editing fail) with hers. Until then, take care.
And ugh, LJ was a pain about letting me post this.