Please Mr. Dickinson, but must you start banging? How is a man to sleep?
Where last I left off, some serious character assassination was going on. Claudia was out of her mind and not even describing crazy outfits. Then she went with Abby and Stacey to learn about the birth of our great nation.
Chapter 10
Welcome to Philadelphia! Your teacher will be pointing out sights of an historical interest, but you will ignore them in favor of checking out the mall. Claudia considers the city to be a hybrid of modern-day New York City and magical time-traveling to the eighteenth century. Luckily the two aspects live together in a love nigh brotherly, instead of in constant gang war with horse-drawn carriage drives-by and break dance fighting.
They get to the hotel, and Claudia insanely tells us that only the joy accompanying an overnight field trip keeps the disappointment in their accommodations from manifesting violently. There's no pool, no jacuzzi, the art is subpar, and they have to carry the bags inside themselves. That bitch, Melissa, distracts Claudia from further comparing the situation to the third world, by complaining that the room she shares with someone named Lily isn't immediately next to the BSCs room. Lily is suitably embarrassed, and the teacher doesn't even address that question. Once in the room, we find out the TV is chained to the wall. Chained. To prevent television theft? To stop rockstars from chucking it out the window? To preserve feng shui? To make some kind of metaphor about our generation's lust for the idiot box? Is this standard practice or something? The girls unpack.
There are lots of mentions that Melissa is ignoring her roommate. These people have all been in eighth grade with each other for years, it's not freshman orientation at college or something. It's supposed to make us think that Melissa is a callow slut who spurns her assigned best friend for the weekend in the name of stalking Claudia, but I've never understood why anyone cared she didn't hang out with Lily and Lily's mom when they don't seem to have any previously existing friendship. Why does Lily want to hang out with Melissa? She should be relieved.
Claudia eats so much in the later books that I worry she's growing a tapeworm inside her, but instead of being socially responsible and doing anything about it people just make jokes.
Chapter 11
Our heroine has a Catcher in the Rye inspired nightmare, starring baby Lynn. The three time- and space-travelling BSCers woke up before seven AM of their own accord. Lerangis is eternally dedicated to accuracy. At the breakfast buffet there are Eggs Benedict and peaches. When I was a younger and more foolhardy version of myself, I did not care so much about "details". So I'd completely forgotten/ignored that Peaches and co's last name was "Benedict", and after several minutes of contemplating had decided that Claudia was comparing herself to Benedict Arnold, famous traitor and ruin-er of lives. Veggievixen: thinking way too hard about this shit since the mid-nineties. It's kind of disappointing now to realize that all that big thinking was wasted and very wrong. I should've known she'd never make a reference like that, despite her Holden Caulfield dream.
Anyway, the peaches and Eggs Benedict make her think of Peaches Benedict which makes her think of Lynn! She wants to call her and listen to the child breathe on the phone. She doesn't miss her aunt at all? Melissa interrupts her pangs of longing to mention that she pulled strings, ensuring that Claud and Melissa are together in the groups with the same chaperone (Lily's mom, whose last name is Karp in case there's some Karp reference later that I will inevitably decide is about Pokemon). Dolly Parton tells them to stay with their chaperone, don't just dick around in traffic this is a real city, and remember to rep Stoneybrook as hard as you can. The BSC plus Melissa act as though the last is a ridiculous thing to say, which. wat. IN MY DAY and also NOW you did not have to tell us to represent all day, everyday. That shit is just rule number one in living your damn life. Also everytime they go to en why see at least the whole main cast will mention how Stacey looks quintessentially New York whilst the rest look pitiably suburban New England, but now they're all "No one here would know we were from Stoneybrook just by looking at us". Can only New Yorkers determine your place of origin with their mind? I hate everyone so much right now. Except you, Mrs. Karp. MagiKarp.
The tour guide gives the eighth graders some facts, such as: The Liberty Bell did not, under any stretch of the imagination, break because some colonist with a boner for liberty rang it too hard. Claudia doesn't give a fuck about actual reality and opts to believe her own made-up history, which is why no one in America can point to Iraq on a map. Alan Gray makes boss cameos, I love him so much. Alan: I'm glad you're here. I would pull strings to get you into my group.
Holy shit, they go to so many places before lunchtime. A whole lot of sight-seeing. They have half an hour to shop at the Gallery. I have been to that mall, half an hour isn't enough! Mrs. Karp! Why are we visiting Philadelphia if you're just going to act all tyrannical? Do you want to experience a revolution first-hand, or something? Because you're going about it the right way. Claudia buys souvenirs for her whole family, and an insane amount of shit for Lynn. At the 30 minute mark, she and Stace have blown their considerable funds. You know what you don't hear about much anymore? Contests where you can win a shopping spree and then you have ten minutes to fill a cart with whatever you want. We need to bring those back, or else all my childhood hours spent strategizing were for nothing.
Then it's time to get indulge in the secular religion of art. MagiKarp lists three Philly museums they can opt to visit as a group, and the Rodin one isn't one of them! (It for real is the best one, though.) Claud is bummed, Melissa has never heard a French word before, and they go to the Rocky museum. Abby runs up and sings the theme song, but once inside they abandon Claud. She's just a big slowly-mcslow in every regard. Melissa clings to her the whole time, making jokes that even Claudia doesn't find amusing, and then it turns out it's almost time for museum time to be over! Claud's sad, and Melissa mentions that, since the other one is only four blocks away, nothing's stopping them from taking a quick peek and coming right back. You can't just waltz into it, I thought. I know the "admission" is more of a "suggested donation", but Claud has two dollars to her name. Whatever! We're young and crazy and letsa go! Melissa, you've got cash, right? You're not into art and I don't like you at all but I will certainly use you to get what I want.
Unpredictably, they spend too much time with the sculptures and, even more shocking, they get lost on the run back. Claudia calls Melissa a pest, the latter cries her face off, and Claudia starts considering her options. She doesn't know how the public transport works, and wouldn't have enough money even if she could figure it out. If only she could baby-sit someone really fast and earn some cash.
If only.
Chapter 12
Are they going to be okay?! Who cares. I'm serious. Let's see what the Arnold twins have been doing.
They're telling Kristy all about the special effects, which basically goes like this:
"Even though it appeared that a man was travelling through an electrical outlet, he was not."
"Nay, for your eyes were fooled by: computer graphics."
"We can never trust the outward appearance of things to be reality ever again."
Educational! They decide to make their own horror film and call it The Twins Who Mutilated Their Babysitter. It is genius.
Chapter 13
The first word in this chapter is "yo". Alan Gray says it. Alan, I think we should see other people. I'm not anti-yo, so much as...don't you remember how you're supposed to be representing Stoneybrook? I can't get behind this. Also I guess you're thirteen or something. Pete Black gets a mention. Pete!
Everyone is super irked at Claudia. She has become a social pariah. Even Melissa is off with Lily and MagiKarp. I went on a fieldtrip once to the Baltimore Aquarium. We had some given amount of time for lunch in the Inner Harbor, and come line-up time about six boys were missing. After a frantic search it was revealed that the boys were safe and at Hooters. They weren't even remotely ostracized, so I don't know what to make of everyone hatin'. Is it because Claudia went to get cultured instead of celebrating all things tacky? Or because Lerangis isn't interested in realism as much as furthering the plot? You be the judge.
Backtracing, Claudia and Melissa had gone into a different art museum, hoping they could help her call Dolly Parton at the hotel. Apparently her teacher had been calling 'round to all the art museums, knowing about Claudia's tragic addiction to art and speculating that was where she'd run off to. Everyone at the museum claps, and the teacher is called to fetch them. During the cab ride back, she has so words for the two girls. She yells out her feelings, and by the return to Pepperidge Inn she's started to chillax. Now is when Claud first sees just how pissed all her colleagues are, for reasons still unfathomable. They didn't miss out on anything because of this, and while it's maybe annoying that they had to just hang out in front of their hotel for forty minutes they still get to go to a fancy dinner and the theater.
Once at the restaurant, Alan tells Claudia to try the fish since "they never stray from their school!" Oh man, it's back on. Veggievixen plus Alan 4ever. Claud is too guilt-ridden to eat, which is weird to me. If guilt were really an appetite suppressant Catholics would be the skinniest people ever, but we're not, and that tapeworm is not going to feed itself. You have a responsibility to it, Claudia. This is why you can't have a pet.
They see 1776, which is baller, and back in the room Claudia starts to feel hunger pangs once more. Back to normal! She begs Abby and Stacey sneak out with her to the coffee shop, and I would give untold sums of money for this imaginary person to be imaginarily caught and yelled at all over again. But there is no justice in the BSC-verse, so they just eat greasy burgers with their magical money that grew back after having been spent.
Chapter 14
More dreams about Lynn! This time she was sleeping on the bus. Melissa has waken her. Rude. Claudia spends some time catching us up on the missing time, noting that Melissa has finally started sticking with her roommate, AS IT WAS MEANT TO BE, and that Lily is so sweet etc etc. I know this is a valid way of framing a story, but it always makes me imagine Claudia just sitting there, silently "catching us up" and not reacting to what's currently going on. Melissa's been talking, who knows for how long while we were being brought up to speed, and says she's sorry for being a try too hard. She then says she's gotta get back to Lily (what. the fuck.) and Claudia accepts her apology. She then looks out over beautiful New Jersey, remembering how she last saw it's sun-kissed industrial parks while it rained on the trip down. She suddenly connects the B-plot with the A-plot and sees that she is the Melissa to Peaches' Claudia. She realizes she owes Peaches, and falls back asleep.
Back at SMS, the Kishi family is waiting. So is...the entire BSC. Shannon? How did you possibly miss them? You never see anyone in the first place. Guys, Claudia learned a lot on her trip about dependency issues and you guys could probably benefit from hearing it.
Chapter 15
Holy shit we have to call back Peaches. What if she's still mad at us? What if she found a better godmother who is younger and hotter and gooder at art? Oh God she picked up. She doesn't sound that mad. After a cursory summary of the sights, sounds, and smells of our nation's former capital, Peaches holds Lynn up to the phone so the kid can drool all over it. Claudia melts. They have a heart to heart, Claudia promises to pretend to be normal, and she starts talking about the gifts she bought her cousin.
Time for baptizing! Claudia cries the whole time, maybe because of the presence of holy water. When the blessed child is put into her arms, it stops crying and smiles. The last sentence of this book is: "I knew it wasn't gas." You can never be too sophisticated, okay?
Ann's "Dear Reader" letter or whatever is seriously such a waste. It immediately follows this book and can still be considered as stupidly wasteful that is how useless it is. Did you know she used to say "ice cream" as "ackaminnie"? Unless this was your very first BSC book, yes. Yes you did know that. Bonus trivia: she said "ba" for "bird" and it was the first word she ever said. That is...that is about it.
Chapter 10
Welcome to Philadelphia! Your teacher will be pointing out sights of an historical interest, but you will ignore them in favor of checking out the mall. Claudia considers the city to be a hybrid of modern-day New York City and magical time-traveling to the eighteenth century. Luckily the two aspects live together in a love nigh brotherly, instead of in constant gang war with horse-drawn carriage drives-by and break dance fighting.
They get to the hotel, and Claudia insanely tells us that only the joy accompanying an overnight field trip keeps the disappointment in their accommodations from manifesting violently. There's no pool, no jacuzzi, the art is subpar, and they have to carry the bags inside themselves. That bitch, Melissa, distracts Claudia from further comparing the situation to the third world, by complaining that the room she shares with someone named Lily isn't immediately next to the BSCs room. Lily is suitably embarrassed, and the teacher doesn't even address that question. Once in the room, we find out the TV is chained to the wall. Chained. To prevent television theft? To stop rockstars from chucking it out the window? To preserve feng shui? To make some kind of metaphor about our generation's lust for the idiot box? Is this standard practice or something? The girls unpack.
There are lots of mentions that Melissa is ignoring her roommate. These people have all been in eighth grade with each other for years, it's not freshman orientation at college or something. It's supposed to make us think that Melissa is a callow slut who spurns her assigned best friend for the weekend in the name of stalking Claudia, but I've never understood why anyone cared she didn't hang out with Lily and Lily's mom when they don't seem to have any previously existing friendship. Why does Lily want to hang out with Melissa? She should be relieved.
Claudia eats so much in the later books that I worry she's growing a tapeworm inside her, but instead of being socially responsible and doing anything about it people just make jokes.
Chapter 11
Our heroine has a Catcher in the Rye inspired nightmare, starring baby Lynn. The three time- and space-travelling BSCers woke up before seven AM of their own accord. Lerangis is eternally dedicated to accuracy. At the breakfast buffet there are Eggs Benedict and peaches. When I was a younger and more foolhardy version of myself, I did not care so much about "details". So I'd completely forgotten/ignored that Peaches and co's last name was "Benedict", and after several minutes of contemplating had decided that Claudia was comparing herself to Benedict Arnold, famous traitor and ruin-er of lives. Veggievixen: thinking way too hard about this shit since the mid-nineties. It's kind of disappointing now to realize that all that big thinking was wasted and very wrong. I should've known she'd never make a reference like that, despite her Holden Caulfield dream.
Anyway, the peaches and Eggs Benedict make her think of Peaches Benedict which makes her think of Lynn! She wants to call her and listen to the child breathe on the phone. She doesn't miss her aunt at all? Melissa interrupts her pangs of longing to mention that she pulled strings, ensuring that Claud and Melissa are together in the groups with the same chaperone (Lily's mom, whose last name is Karp in case there's some Karp reference later that I will inevitably decide is about Pokemon). Dolly Parton tells them to stay with their chaperone, don't just dick around in traffic this is a real city, and remember to rep Stoneybrook as hard as you can. The BSC plus Melissa act as though the last is a ridiculous thing to say, which. wat. IN MY DAY and also NOW you did not have to tell us to represent all day, everyday. That shit is just rule number one in living your damn life. Also everytime they go to en why see at least the whole main cast will mention how Stacey looks quintessentially New York whilst the rest look pitiably suburban New England, but now they're all "No one here would know we were from Stoneybrook just by looking at us". Can only New Yorkers determine your place of origin with their mind? I hate everyone so much right now. Except you, Mrs. Karp. MagiKarp.
The tour guide gives the eighth graders some facts, such as: The Liberty Bell did not, under any stretch of the imagination, break because some colonist with a boner for liberty rang it too hard. Claudia doesn't give a fuck about actual reality and opts to believe her own made-up history, which is why no one in America can point to Iraq on a map. Alan Gray makes boss cameos, I love him so much. Alan: I'm glad you're here. I would pull strings to get you into my group.
Holy shit, they go to so many places before lunchtime. A whole lot of sight-seeing. They have half an hour to shop at the Gallery. I have been to that mall, half an hour isn't enough! Mrs. Karp! Why are we visiting Philadelphia if you're just going to act all tyrannical? Do you want to experience a revolution first-hand, or something? Because you're going about it the right way. Claudia buys souvenirs for her whole family, and an insane amount of shit for Lynn. At the 30 minute mark, she and Stace have blown their considerable funds. You know what you don't hear about much anymore? Contests where you can win a shopping spree and then you have ten minutes to fill a cart with whatever you want. We need to bring those back, or else all my childhood hours spent strategizing were for nothing.
Then it's time to get indulge in the secular religion of art. MagiKarp lists three Philly museums they can opt to visit as a group, and the Rodin one isn't one of them! (It for real is the best one, though.) Claud is bummed, Melissa has never heard a French word before, and they go to the Rocky museum. Abby runs up and sings the theme song, but once inside they abandon Claud. She's just a big slowly-mcslow in every regard. Melissa clings to her the whole time, making jokes that even Claudia doesn't find amusing, and then it turns out it's almost time for museum time to be over! Claud's sad, and Melissa mentions that, since the other one is only four blocks away, nothing's stopping them from taking a quick peek and coming right back. You can't just waltz into it, I thought. I know the "admission" is more of a "suggested donation", but Claud has two dollars to her name. Whatever! We're young and crazy and letsa go! Melissa, you've got cash, right? You're not into art and I don't like you at all but I will certainly use you to get what I want.
Unpredictably, they spend too much time with the sculptures and, even more shocking, they get lost on the run back. Claudia calls Melissa a pest, the latter cries her face off, and Claudia starts considering her options. She doesn't know how the public transport works, and wouldn't have enough money even if she could figure it out. If only she could baby-sit someone really fast and earn some cash.
If only.
Chapter 12
Are they going to be okay?! Who cares. I'm serious. Let's see what the Arnold twins have been doing.
They're telling Kristy all about the special effects, which basically goes like this:
"Even though it appeared that a man was travelling through an electrical outlet, he was not."
"Nay, for your eyes were fooled by: computer graphics."
"We can never trust the outward appearance of things to be reality ever again."
Educational! They decide to make their own horror film and call it The Twins Who Mutilated Their Babysitter. It is genius.
Chapter 13
The first word in this chapter is "yo". Alan Gray says it. Alan, I think we should see other people. I'm not anti-yo, so much as...don't you remember how you're supposed to be representing Stoneybrook? I can't get behind this. Also I guess you're thirteen or something. Pete Black gets a mention. Pete!
Everyone is super irked at Claudia. She has become a social pariah. Even Melissa is off with Lily and MagiKarp. I went on a fieldtrip once to the Baltimore Aquarium. We had some given amount of time for lunch in the Inner Harbor, and come line-up time about six boys were missing. After a frantic search it was revealed that the boys were safe and at Hooters. They weren't even remotely ostracized, so I don't know what to make of everyone hatin'. Is it because Claudia went to get cultured instead of celebrating all things tacky? Or because Lerangis isn't interested in realism as much as furthering the plot? You be the judge.
Backtracing, Claudia and Melissa had gone into a different art museum, hoping they could help her call Dolly Parton at the hotel. Apparently her teacher had been calling 'round to all the art museums, knowing about Claudia's tragic addiction to art and speculating that was where she'd run off to. Everyone at the museum claps, and the teacher is called to fetch them. During the cab ride back, she has so words for the two girls. She yells out her feelings, and by the return to Pepperidge Inn she's started to chillax. Now is when Claud first sees just how pissed all her colleagues are, for reasons still unfathomable. They didn't miss out on anything because of this, and while it's maybe annoying that they had to just hang out in front of their hotel for forty minutes they still get to go to a fancy dinner and the theater.
Once at the restaurant, Alan tells Claudia to try the fish since "they never stray from their school!" Oh man, it's back on. Veggievixen plus Alan 4ever. Claud is too guilt-ridden to eat, which is weird to me. If guilt were really an appetite suppressant Catholics would be the skinniest people ever, but we're not, and that tapeworm is not going to feed itself. You have a responsibility to it, Claudia. This is why you can't have a pet.
They see 1776, which is baller, and back in the room Claudia starts to feel hunger pangs once more. Back to normal! She begs Abby and Stacey sneak out with her to the coffee shop, and I would give untold sums of money for this imaginary person to be imaginarily caught and yelled at all over again. But there is no justice in the BSC-verse, so they just eat greasy burgers with their magical money that grew back after having been spent.
Chapter 14
More dreams about Lynn! This time she was sleeping on the bus. Melissa has waken her. Rude. Claudia spends some time catching us up on the missing time, noting that Melissa has finally started sticking with her roommate, AS IT WAS MEANT TO BE, and that Lily is so sweet etc etc. I know this is a valid way of framing a story, but it always makes me imagine Claudia just sitting there, silently "catching us up" and not reacting to what's currently going on. Melissa's been talking, who knows for how long while we were being brought up to speed, and says she's sorry for being a try too hard. She then says she's gotta get back to Lily (what. the fuck.) and Claudia accepts her apology. She then looks out over beautiful New Jersey, remembering how she last saw it's sun-kissed industrial parks while it rained on the trip down. She suddenly connects the B-plot with the A-plot and sees that she is the Melissa to Peaches' Claudia. She realizes she owes Peaches, and falls back asleep.
Back at SMS, the Kishi family is waiting. So is...the entire BSC. Shannon? How did you possibly miss them? You never see anyone in the first place. Guys, Claudia learned a lot on her trip about dependency issues and you guys could probably benefit from hearing it.
Chapter 15
Holy shit we have to call back Peaches. What if she's still mad at us? What if she found a better godmother who is younger and hotter and gooder at art? Oh God she picked up. She doesn't sound that mad. After a cursory summary of the sights, sounds, and smells of our nation's former capital, Peaches holds Lynn up to the phone so the kid can drool all over it. Claudia melts. They have a heart to heart, Claudia promises to pretend to be normal, and she starts talking about the gifts she bought her cousin.
Time for baptizing! Claudia cries the whole time, maybe because of the presence of holy water. When the blessed child is put into her arms, it stops crying and smiles. The last sentence of this book is: "I knew it wasn't gas." You can never be too sophisticated, okay?
Ann's "Dear Reader" letter or whatever is seriously such a waste. It immediately follows this book and can still be considered as stupidly wasteful that is how useless it is. Did you know she used to say "ice cream" as "ackaminnie"? Unless this was your very first BSC book, yes. Yes you did know that. Bonus trivia: she said "ba" for "bird" and it was the first word she ever said. That is...that is about it.