#43: Stacey's Emergency
Tagline: "Stacey just can't win."
As you might imagine, this is a Very Special Episode Book involving Stacey's battle with Brimley Disease. Unfortunately, that's pretty much all it involves. Oh, and textbook Divorced Parents Who Can't Stand Each Other.
Okay, if you got here via the cut tag, what I wrote is a lie: In this book, we don't find out what happens when Stace eats a single M&M. In fact, she doesn't even eat a single M&M. That's about all she doesn't eat, really, as girl goes on a pig-out spree of basically anything chocolate.
This book can be summed up this way: As the books preceding this one have hinted, Stacey hasn't been feeling well. She goes off her diet. She goes to NYC to visit her dad, and within 24 hours she's in the hospital, where she pretty much spends the rest of the book. Meanwhile, Charlotte auditions for the role of Vada in My Girl, coming up with every sickness under the sun save for a chicken bone stuck in her throat. I seriously expected her to think there was something wrong with her prostate. Of course, by the end, Stacey comes home and Charlotte miraculously is cured of all that ailed her.
Oh, crap; should I have given a spoiler alert for the above paragraph? Oh well. Time to see how it all goes down...
Chapter 1
Stacey is sitting for Charlotte. While Stacey does her homework, Charlotte is reading aloud the salacious headlines from The New York Times. What's this? She comes across an article about Diabeetus. It's nothing important, something about old men with thick mustaches and a penchant for oatmeal being more susceptible to it or something, but it's a *cough* natural segue for Stace to explain her love of old men, mustaches, and oatmeal what the big D is and that she has it. Not only that, but she just recently learned she's a brittle diabetic, meaning even though she has to take insulin and she's on a strict diet, her diabetes is hard to control. There might as well be a blinking neon sign here for the foreshadowing.
Stacey mentions how her numbers, when testing her blood, have been off lately. She's also tired, and hungry and thirsty, and she has to pee a lot. Really, Stace, in an alternate world we'd have a book dedicated to pregnancy tests and whether or not Pete Black was the father. The follow-up book would have her on Maury trying to figure out who the father really was, because you know she'd be one of the people who'd have to go back like five or six times, each time claiming that this guy is DEFINITELY the father because there's nobody else it could be.
Back to sitting. Stacey asks Char to read something other than the paper, so Char digs in the Kid-Kit and pulls out The Dancing Cats of Applesap, which I've never heard of before. While Stacey reads her the book, she tangents for us about how she and Char are only children, and Stacey's parents are now divorced, and it sucks, especially since Stacey thinks her parents are using her to get info about the other.
When Dr. J comes home, Stacey talks to her about how she's been feeling. Dr. J tells her, "I think you should have this checked out soon, Stacey. You're awfully busy, you're under a lot of stress, and you do have a tricky form of diabetes." Stacey's visiting her dad soon; perhaps she can make an appointment with her regular doctor while she's there? Sounds good, but as she leaves, she's "ravenous," and who better to visit when you have a craving?
Chapter 2
There is but one other person in Stoneybrook who can match the sophistication of Miss Anastasia McGill. That is, of course, Miss Claudia Kishi. Stace tells us that "we are both pretty sophisticated for thirteen. We wear really fresh clothes--leggings, cowboy boots, oversized shirts, hats...and wild jewelry. ...Both Claud and I are pretty interested in boys (I've been described as "boy-crazy"), and we like action!" So, wait, you *are* pregnant! I knew it! Is it that Toby guy from Sea City?
Also, "fresh clothing" makes me think of when Trix died on Gilmore Girls. I can tell you in no uncertain terms was she buried in an oversized shirt and leggings.
Blah blah Claud's family; Janine is only described as having an IQ over 150, not her full 196 like other books point out. Stacey's all, "She takes classes at our local college. Can you imagine? Sixteen and taking college courses?" We all know Stacey's going to be sixteen and pregnant, so of course it's hard for her to believe. Actually, I've gone back to school, and I swear there's a kid there whose voice hasn't even changed. He looks like he's twelve. So, yes, Sophisti-Stacey, I can believe it. Stacey then mentions that she wishes Claudia had higher self-esteem, but you know who has crazy high self-esteem? Kristy Thomas! Yes, I've found myself in the middle of a standard Chapter 2. Ugh.
Highlights:
--Kristy's actually pretty and is a good person under her loudmouth exterior.
--Never see a sad movie with Mary Anne.
--Dawn is a striking-looking, self-assured individualist.
--Jessi lives in Stacey's old house. Also, and interestingly, Stacey does *NOT* point out that Jessi is Black. However, she *does* have "chocolatey brown skin." Jessi, uh, I think Stacey thinks you're a Hershey bar and she wants to eat you.
--Mal has wavy red hair. This is an Ann book. Ann, seriously, you stated explicitly in Mal's first book that they all have chestnut-colored hair. Grr. Stacey, for her part, says, "Her hair and face are pretty." So, wait, Stacey finds both Kristy and Mal pretty, and is ready to eat Jessi? Perhaps we should find out who the mother of Stacey's baby is as well. Stacey, you dog.
Chapter 3
Oh, man, Stacey never even got to Claudia's house in Chapter 2. Pretty much as soon as she arrives, she goes into how comfortable Claud's room is and that's part of the reason the BSC meets there. What's the BSC? Funny you should ask! Stacey mentions how she left and came back, and she "became the seventh member, and I think I'll be the last. (Unless someone else has to leave.)" Ooh, you just wait another thirty books or so, Stace.
Why, it happens to be a meeting day! After Claud and Stacey talk--no mention of food, just talking--we find the rest of the members gathered and ignoring Kristy, even though it's now 5:31. Sophisti-Stacey apparently has never heard of a cootie catcher and has to explain them away to us; Mal and Jessi are playing with one. Figures. Claudia passes around Ring-Dings, and while Stacey really really really wants one, she settles for some crackers. She gets a job for Charlotte, and then, as everyone's leaving, she snatches a Ring-Ding for later. Ooh. Those pregnancy cravings are a killer.
Chapter 4
Ring, ring. Peter Lerangis, is that you? No, it's Stacey's dad, and Stacey has to go to her mom's room to answer the phone since Mrs. McG is planning a baby shower over at the Pikes'. I'd totally forgotten that their new house is right behind Sweet Dee's and company. Stacey's feeling like extra crap with cheese, and she struggles into the room to answer the phone. "Boontsie" gets asked if she's ready for her upcoming NYC weekend; among other things, Mr. McG will pick her up at the train station and they'll go straight to dinner. Stacey is exhausted just thinking about it all. He then asks where her mother is, and Stacey senses she's going to be used for info. He doesn't believe his ex is simply hangin' with Sweet Dee and suspects something more sinister is going on. I mean, she's out...at night! Stacey says, Dad, it's only 8:30. And when he hints she shouldn't have been left alone, Stacey actually says, "Don't worry, I'm already pregnant." "I've been able to stay at home alone for several years now. Sometimes I even baby-sit." NICE. Her mom comes home shortly, and Stace has her take the call from downstairs so she can eavesdrop. Yes, she really has been at Sweet Dee's discussing Dee's new dress and not out with some handsome mystery man. Oh. Well, that was anti-climatic. But what Stacey did next...No, she didn't get a back-alley abortion. She digs out a chocolate bar she's hidden. And eats it. The Ring-Ding she'd swiped from Claud's the other day had been the first chocolate she'd had since her diagnosis, and it was good. And she didn't die. So, you know what, screw this crappy diet. Dawn eats this way because she chooses to, so bully for her. Stacey didn't choose this diet. Hell yeah, junk food. Bring it on, baby!
Chapter 5
You would think Charlotte was the BSC's only client, as she's the only one they apparently sit for during this whole book. Stacey's back there and Char wants to do something, make something. None of this painting crap--let's make food! Specifically, fudge! And let's invite Becca over to help! Stacey, the newfound chocolate fiend, tries to talk her out of it, but no. Even better, they pretend they're galaxy-famous chefs and wear deely-boppers while they cook. Unfortunately, their imaginations get a little too wild and their first batter ends up all over the kitchen. They have to make a second batch after cleaning up. As soon as the fudge is done, the girls realize a TV special they want to watch is on; they offer to help Stacey cut the fudge, but she goes, oh, no, you kids go and watch TV...because then I can eat fudge while you're not watching. There's a plate for Char, a plate for Becca to take home...and there's a couple of pieces wrapped in a napkin that somehow made their way into Stacey's purse.
At home that evening, Stacey can't concentrate on her homework. That's happened a lot lately; she's fallen behind. But tonight it's because all she can think of is that fudge in her purse. And the candy bar she snuck at school. And the other chocolate she's had. And...crap, she has to pack for her father's, as she leaves the next afternoon. The phone rings and it's her dad, but her mom answered and tries to talk him out of having her do too much since Stacey's been so tired lately. It doesn't help that she figures each parent will soon grill her about the other.
Chapter 6
As much as she loves the place, Stacey does not want to go to New York. For starters, her grades have been slipping and she'd rather stay at home and catch up on all her work. It's to the point where she's surprised no one from school has called her mom yet. And then she was paranoid that she was really sick and everyone else knew and just hadn't said anything to her. The worst part was that she'd have to miss a BSC meeting, and as they leave school, Stace apologizes to the other members for not being there. They all understand, and MA probably wishes she could switch places. After all, Stacey's dad is taking her to the Russian Tea Room and Sign of the Dove! OMG SQUEE! Never mind that MA first asks if Stacey's going to the Hard Rock Cafe. MA seriously asks Stace to bring her back a souvenir--"You mean like a half-eaten piece of bread?"--if she runs into any celebrities. Why am I suddenly thinking of Mary Anne as Charlotte from Sex and the City? I barely ever watched it in the first place. Odd.
Mrs. McG picks up Stacey from school and notes she looks a little pale. They go to Stoneybrook's station--really, has the town always had its own train station?--and after a wait Stacey gets on with her overnight bag and her ton o'school books. She starts in on her French homework but the next thing she knows she's halfway to the city. She'd fallen asleep. Crap. And she feels horrible and is desperately thirsty, despite having had a diet soda before boarding. She ends up going into the train car's bathroom and drinking from the tap; she does this over a half-dozen times. As soon as she meets her father, she asks for a soda. He asks if she's okay and she admits she isn't, but she's starving even though she's had breakfast, lunch, and a bag of M&Ms. Okay, she really does eat them in this book. Curse me for snarking a week or two after reading. Oh, but she didn't mention that to her dad. She gets her soda but they go straight to Mr. McG's apartment and order food. Stacey goes to bed early, but she's up all night because she's thirsty and then has to pee constantly, and her dad's bedroom is right next to the bathroom so he hears everything. In the morning, he suggests calling her doctor, and Stacey agrees; she can no longer deny that something's seriously wrong. When her doctor can't be reached, they head straight for the hospital.
Chapter 7
A babbysiting chapter. This can only mean Caludia is here! She is sitting for "Charlot," which my brain turned into Charlot the Harlot. Sure, she's quiet now, but she is being influenced by Stacey; give her a few years. It's the Saturday when Stacey goes to the hospital. Before going into the Claud and Char story, Stacey complains about hospital food--not only is it bad, it's all individually packaged and it's a total waste. Stacey, honey, it's bad enough Hodges makes you nearly indistinguishable from Dawn on the covers you share; now Ann makes you spout her rhetoric? I mean, I agree it's wasteful, but I'm sure they do it for health reasons. The fewer hands that touch something, especially in a hospital, the better.
But wait, this part of the story isn't supposed to be about Stawn. Our dear Claudia has had an ego-boosting day! Hooray! In her morning art class, her vase was held up as "exemplary"; she got 17 out of 20 correct while studying her spelling with Janine; and then Charlotte wanted to play Memory and not make messy fudge. It's a new Memory game, the one where you match the mommies and the babies. As I'm doing this snark on Mother's Day weekend, it's fitting. They play for a while and the phone rings. Charlotte answers it and comes back shaking--Mrs. McG has called and it doesn't sound good. Claudia goes to the kitchen to take the call and finds out about Stacey now being in the hospital, and Mrs. McG will leave for NYC in the morning. Believe it or not, Claud did not immediately think it was Stacey's diabetes that put her there. She figured she miscarried some attacker mugged her or something. Stacey's mom explains that Stacey is really sick and her blood sugar level is very high, and the doctors were trying to stabilize it. There was the chance Stacey could be in the hospital for a while, so could Claudia pick up her homework assignments in the meantime? Of course. Once off the phone, Claud realized she had to tell Charlotte what had happened; Char loses it when she finds out. Poor Claudia. That's a lot to put on her shoulders, and she still has to contact the rest of the BSC. I realize she probably wasn't thinking straight, but perhaps it might have been better for Mrs. McG to have called the Kishis or Sweet Dee first. Oh well.
Chapter 8 (or, the point where the book should be retitled "Stacey's Prison")
Having taken her ex's advice and not left until Sunday morning--she wouldn't have made the last train, and it probably wasn't a good idea for her to drive there, alone and upset, in the dark--Mrs. McG arrives in Stacey's hospital room at noon. Mr. McG had spent most of the past 24 hours with his daughter, which she appreciated because of how impersonal hospitals are. (Really. She goes into bullet points and everything.) Mrs. McG brings her a stuffed pig, apologizing for not finding her fave, Porky Pig, due to the short notice. Pretty much as soon as she gets there, though, Mr. McG leaves. Stacey thinks her mom is staying at his apartment and apologizes for her room being messy; oh, no, she's staying with Laine's family. Because, hello, the McGs are divorced. They can't do something like set aside their differences for their only daughter who is in the hospital, silly. Stacey moves on and tells her mom about all the blood and urine tests she's already had to endure. I've always hated to pee into a cup; my aim is horrible. And why don't they have a place to put the cup while you wash your hands? The whole situation is unpleasant. Anyway, Stacey's been given more insulin, but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. When her dad comes back, her mom leaves, and Stacey convinces her dad that she's tired and needs a nap--alone. She then muses on her private room and her boring view of a gray building across the street. Then she starts wondering about how sick she really is and if her going off her diet contributed to it, even though she'd felt like crap for a while.
She pulls out of her thoughts care of a familiar voice--Laine's. Laine has brought the first of her totally tacky, wacky gifts--and New Yorkers are supposed to be oh-so-sophisticated. In this round, Stacey receives electric-blue plastic tulips, a huge brown wind-up spider with red glasses (Sally Jessy Arachnid?), a get-well card described as big and gaudy, and a message that Laine had talked to the BSC. Everyone said nice or helpful things save for Kristy, who wants her back soon because Dawn sucks at being the treasurer. I really want Stawn to kick Kristy's butt when they're better.
Chapter 9
It's now Wednesday. Stacey's been in the hospital for four days. Her mom made her go on a schedule, so she gets up early, dresses, and does homework until food or nurses arrive. We learn the blood pressure machine is a sphygmomanometer. At one point a doctor and a bunch of med students arrive to hear Stacey's story; she tell us she "felt like a fish in a glass bowl or an animal in a cage at the zoo." Her mom, who'd been in earlier, comes back with "a beautiful emerald-green sweater and a matching beret" that she pulls out of a Benetton bag. Claudia calls at 5; the BSC called a special meeting so they could talk to Stace prior to the actual meeting. Stacey is suspicious--"Hey, how are you guys going to pay for this phone call? It's going to be an expensive one." Claudia says, "With treasury money?" Stacey sighs and replies, "Well, I guess I'm worth it." She talks to everyone, and when she gets to Jessi she asks how Charlotte's doing. Jessi says fine, then quickly passes off the phone. Hmm. As she hangs up, Laine comes in, and right afterward a hospital aide drops off a package. It's from Charlotte and Claudia, packed right after they got Mrs. McG's phone call. Stacey calls Charlotte to thank her, and at first Char is excited, then she starts asking all sorts of question and becomes anxious. She even asks if people die from diabetes. This is not reassuring to Stacey, who hangs up and tells Laine, "I think I've got a problem with Charlotte."
Chapter 10
Stacey had called Claudia regarding Charlotte, and in turn Claudia talked to Dawn, which was convenient since on Thursday Dawn had to sit for her. The problem: Hypochondria. It was bad enough that Dr. J kept Char home from school twice that week. The various maladies Charlotte thought she had included a sore throat, stomachache, headache, and earache, though she never had a fever and her appetite's been fine. Dawn arrives to find her resting on her bed. Charlotte now thinks her neck hurts and it's a pinched nerve and she might need one of those neck braces or an operation in a hospital. To not exacerbate the "pinched nerve," Dawn suggests doing something quiet, so Charlotte pulls out The Dachshunds of Mama Island from Dawn's Kid-Kit. Dawn does us the courtesy of saying it was her mother's; otherwise I'd think this was the obscure book society or something. They read for a while until Char complains that her stomach is aching and burning and she thinks she has an ulcer. Dawn knows she's faking and says, "People your age hardly ever get ulcers. ...What did you eat for dinner tonight?" Charlotte is indignant: "Dawn, this is not indigestion." And then her story changes and she's tired and thirsty; maybe she has diabetes like Stacey. Dawn's all, WTH is going on here? She decides to play doctor with an old toy doctor's kit, but as a doctor's kid, Charlotte is not fooled. Dawn decides to read to her some more, but Char still thinks she's diabetic and possibly anemic as well. When the Johanssens get home, Dawn explains the newest maladies and they brainstorm why they think Char is doing this--perhaps she wants to be sick so she can go to the hospital and be with Stacey. Rather than making her a patient, they're simply being patient with her. Stacey just needs to get well.
Chapter 11
Unfortunately, Stacey suffers a setback. She wakes up Friday morning and feels horrible again, completely exhausted despite sleeping nine hours. She rings for a nurse who says she'll get a doctor (and makes her use a bedpan, to Stacey's chagrin). She falls back asleep for a little bit; when she wakes up again, she still has no energy and no appetite as well. Her mom arrives and shortly thereafter a doctor comes in; he orders more tests and ups her insulin. Her mom had been there much of the week, but her dad hadn't; Mrs. McG says that he finds it hard to see Stacey like this, plus he's a workaholic. Stacey thinks he's being selfish. Then her mom mentions another reason: They can't be around each other. Plus, she was able to get time off from work and he wasn't, so she'd spend the days with her and he'd visit at night. This is upsetting to Stacey; they couldn't pretend to be a family for a little while while she's stuck in the hospital? Come on.
Laine comes by to visit after school and is surprised that Stacey's still in her nightgown. She's brought more crap. She'd already given Stacey a camo hat, light-up sunglasses, jewelry that glows in the dark, and a palm-tree-shaped pen. Today's gift: A hand-held mirror that laughs when you hold it up. Really, does this scream "New York Sophistication" or "Kristy" to you? Laine stays for a few hours, and after she leaves the doctor comes back in and says they want to start a new procedure--a constant flow of insulin through an IV to see if she does any better. Stacey is oh so thrilled at this thought and starts crying after he leaves.
Chapter 12
Familiar voices are coming from out in the hall. It's Claudia, Kristy, Dawn, and Mary Anne, here to visit Wilford, Jr. Stacey can hear them freaking out about her IV. They come bearing gifts and cards, having taken an early train down from Stoneybrook. Claud asks how she is, since she doesn't seem as good as the last time they talked; Stacey admits, not well, but let's not talk about it. Claud and Dawn sit on her bed while Kristy and MA sit in the uncomfortable plastic visitors' chairs; this becomes a running gag. They tell Stacey the scoop: Everyone misses her, including charges such as the Newtons and Perkinses; various kids at school wondered about her, including Ross Brown, on whom Stacey has a crush and apparently it's mutual; Mallory (who was too young to come up, as was Jessi) had collected their mail; Alan Gray got suspended (cherry bomb in the boys' lavatory)...and Cokie got a nose job. What 13-year-old gets a cosmetic nose job? Girl better have had a deviated septum. She starts opening her myriad of cards, including one from Claire Pike reading "Get Well Son," which of course is better than what Claudia could do. As she's going through them, Stacey's starting to feel weird, but she keeps going and gets to see a huge card they bring in from the hallway, "at least two feet by three feet," and signed by virtually everyone in Stoneybrook. Right then, though, a nurse bursts in. Stacey worries they'll get busted for breaking the two-visitor rule, but, well, there's more serious things to worry about--her blood sugar level is dropping and the doctor's coming. Stacey can feel that something's wrong again, and her freaked-out friends are ordered into the hallway as the medical personnel start working on her. The good news is that she feels better by the evening and will start a new regimen in the morning, but by then her friends had gone home. Bummed, Stacey asks her mom to stick around for when her father arrives. Against her better judgment, Mrs. McG stays and warns Stacey they may not have a wonderful evening. Just then, her dad arrives.
Chapter 13
Mr. McG greets Stacey, then, seeing his ex, tries to run out for coffee. Oh, no. Stacey's having none of that. Her parents then each have separate conversations with her until Mr. McG asks what had happened that morning, causing Mrs. McG to go, you'd know if you were here, and it degrades from there. They bicker about how hospital care is expensive and blah blah blah until Stacey yells at them to shut up and get out. Her parents are understandably pissed but comply. She does apologize as they walk out--"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But you guys should listen to yourselves sometime." She asks them not to come back until Monday as she needs some time to think. How would she really like to spend her Sunday? With her friends. She calls up Claudia and asks if the gang can come back out. Then she calls Laine, explains what happened, and asks her to come by tomorrow. Sunday morning she washes up and gets dressed and even puts on makeup and jewelry. Her friends arrive by one and they start opening the gifts that were brought the day before. A cool nurse comes by and ignores the extra people in the room, and the girls have as good a time as you can in a hospital.
Chapter 14
It's now Thursday, and Mary Anne just sat for the group's only client. Tonight she has been ill with "Lyme disease, arthritis, a kidney problem, and a strep throat." Psychologist Mary Anne also thinks Charlotte truly doesn't feel well because she lies awake at night worrying about Stacey. But wait! She makes a miraculous recovery and swallows the chicken bone that's been stuck in her throat! Before that, though, they pull The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew out of the Kid-Kit to read while Char continues convalescing on her bed. The phone rings while they're reading; it's Claudia to tell them that Stacey will be home this Saturday! Yay! Of course, Stacey won't be up for much; she needs a week of rest, then can go back to school, and after another week she can sit again. MA tells Char what's going on, and Charlotte wants to throw her a party--something quiet, since Stacey's supposed to be resting. They'll make a banner, drag over a picnic table from the Pikes', serve juice and lemonade--sugar-free lemonade, that is. Char also announces that her various illnesses have cleared up. Phew. I was so worried.
Chapter 15 (or, We're Glad You're Home, Stacey)
Stacey, sprung from the hospital and her boring view, exclaims, "Hey, Mom, there are colors out here!" She also declares the highway home the Yellow Brick Road and says she feels like Dorothy getting the heck out of Oz. That's the Baum version, not the HBO version, though she might like that one better. She and Mrs. McG had spent part of the morning packing up and delivering excess flowers to the nurses and some other patients. Her dad stops by to say good-bye, and neither parent flees the room. Phew. Mr. McG reminds her that if she's not feeling well, for goodness' sake, say something. She apologizes for ruining the visit and they joke about it being a bad vacation.
As they pull onto Elm Street, Mrs. McG shakes Stacey awake to see the gaggle of small children and BSC members waiting outside their home. The cast of characters includes Char, Becca, Jamie Newton, Myriah and Gabbie Perkins, and a few Pikes. There are balloons on the mailbox and a banner over the front door that reads "We're Glad You're Home, Stacey!" Charlotte came up with it while MA was sitting for her. Everyone rushes to greet and hug her; MA passes out lemonade. Dawn senses her other half is tired and shoos everyone away save for Claudia. Stace and Claud go upstairs to talk until Stacey falls asleep. She sleeps for a few hours, then after dinner she asks to talk to her mom and confesses a few things. One, she won't be the "monkey-in-the-middle" for her parents anymore; if they want information about the other, they'll have to go straight to the source. Two, she's sorry she's been so crabby lately. And three, uh, yeah, she kinda sorta went off her diet and maybe that's why she landed in the hospital. Dear heart, shouldn't you have said something, like, as soon as you got to the ER? Mrs. McG isn't too happy to hear this, but says the sweets probably didn't cause the issue considering Stacey hadn't been well for a while before that. She points out how Stacey's been ill lately--with actual illnesses, not Charlotte ones--in addition to being busy, and that didn't help things. Stacey's relieved and promises to tell her mom when she's not feeling well, then goes to call her dad to tell him the same thing.
I'm noticing a pattern with all the previously half-snarked books I'm doing--they tend to be on hard-to-snark topics. I guess I'm glad AMM tackled some tough topics, but at the same time, I'd rather have fluffier books. Even when Claudia broke her leg, there were still practical jokes and things to lighten the heaviness of the story line.
As you might imagine, this is a Very Special Episode Book involving Stacey's battle with Brimley Disease. Unfortunately, that's pretty much all it involves. Oh, and textbook Divorced Parents Who Can't Stand Each Other.
Okay, if you got here via the cut tag, what I wrote is a lie: In this book, we don't find out what happens when Stace eats a single M&M. In fact, she doesn't even eat a single M&M. That's about all she doesn't eat, really, as girl goes on a pig-out spree of basically anything chocolate.
This book can be summed up this way: As the books preceding this one have hinted, Stacey hasn't been feeling well. She goes off her diet. She goes to NYC to visit her dad, and within 24 hours she's in the hospital, where she pretty much spends the rest of the book. Meanwhile, Charlotte auditions for the role of Vada in My Girl, coming up with every sickness under the sun save for a chicken bone stuck in her throat. I seriously expected her to think there was something wrong with her prostate. Of course, by the end, Stacey comes home and Charlotte miraculously is cured of all that ailed her.
Oh, crap; should I have given a spoiler alert for the above paragraph? Oh well. Time to see how it all goes down...
Chapter 1
Stacey is sitting for Charlotte. While Stacey does her homework, Charlotte is reading aloud the salacious headlines from The New York Times. What's this? She comes across an article about Diabeetus. It's nothing important, something about old men with thick mustaches and a penchant for oatmeal being more susceptible to it or something, but it's a *cough* natural segue for Stace to explain her love of old men, mustaches, and oatmeal what the big D is and that she has it. Not only that, but she just recently learned she's a brittle diabetic, meaning even though she has to take insulin and she's on a strict diet, her diabetes is hard to control. There might as well be a blinking neon sign here for the foreshadowing.
Stacey mentions how her numbers, when testing her blood, have been off lately. She's also tired, and hungry and thirsty, and she has to pee a lot. Really, Stace, in an alternate world we'd have a book dedicated to pregnancy tests and whether or not Pete Black was the father. The follow-up book would have her on Maury trying to figure out who the father really was, because you know she'd be one of the people who'd have to go back like five or six times, each time claiming that this guy is DEFINITELY the father because there's nobody else it could be.
Back to sitting. Stacey asks Char to read something other than the paper, so Char digs in the Kid-Kit and pulls out The Dancing Cats of Applesap, which I've never heard of before. While Stacey reads her the book, she tangents for us about how she and Char are only children, and Stacey's parents are now divorced, and it sucks, especially since Stacey thinks her parents are using her to get info about the other.
When Dr. J comes home, Stacey talks to her about how she's been feeling. Dr. J tells her, "I think you should have this checked out soon, Stacey. You're awfully busy, you're under a lot of stress, and you do have a tricky form of diabetes." Stacey's visiting her dad soon; perhaps she can make an appointment with her regular doctor while she's there? Sounds good, but as she leaves, she's "ravenous," and who better to visit when you have a craving?
Chapter 2
There is but one other person in Stoneybrook who can match the sophistication of Miss Anastasia McGill. That is, of course, Miss Claudia Kishi. Stace tells us that "we are both pretty sophisticated for thirteen. We wear really fresh clothes--leggings, cowboy boots, oversized shirts, hats...and wild jewelry. ...Both Claud and I are pretty interested in boys (I've been described as "boy-crazy"), and we like action!" So, wait, you *are* pregnant! I knew it! Is it that Toby guy from Sea City?
Also, "fresh clothing" makes me think of when Trix died on Gilmore Girls. I can tell you in no uncertain terms was she buried in an oversized shirt and leggings.
Blah blah Claud's family; Janine is only described as having an IQ over 150, not her full 196 like other books point out. Stacey's all, "She takes classes at our local college. Can you imagine? Sixteen and taking college courses?" We all know Stacey's going to be sixteen and pregnant, so of course it's hard for her to believe. Actually, I've gone back to school, and I swear there's a kid there whose voice hasn't even changed. He looks like he's twelve. So, yes, Sophisti-Stacey, I can believe it. Stacey then mentions that she wishes Claudia had higher self-esteem, but you know who has crazy high self-esteem? Kristy Thomas! Yes, I've found myself in the middle of a standard Chapter 2. Ugh.
Highlights:
--Kristy's actually pretty and is a good person under her loudmouth exterior.
--Never see a sad movie with Mary Anne.
--Dawn is a striking-looking, self-assured individualist.
--Jessi lives in Stacey's old house. Also, and interestingly, Stacey does *NOT* point out that Jessi is Black. However, she *does* have "chocolatey brown skin." Jessi, uh, I think Stacey thinks you're a Hershey bar and she wants to eat you.
--Mal has wavy red hair. This is an Ann book. Ann, seriously, you stated explicitly in Mal's first book that they all have chestnut-colored hair. Grr. Stacey, for her part, says, "Her hair and face are pretty." So, wait, Stacey finds both Kristy and Mal pretty, and is ready to eat Jessi? Perhaps we should find out who the mother of Stacey's baby is as well. Stacey, you dog.
Chapter 3
Oh, man, Stacey never even got to Claudia's house in Chapter 2. Pretty much as soon as she arrives, she goes into how comfortable Claud's room is and that's part of the reason the BSC meets there. What's the BSC? Funny you should ask! Stacey mentions how she left and came back, and she "became the seventh member, and I think I'll be the last. (Unless someone else has to leave.)" Ooh, you just wait another thirty books or so, Stace.
Why, it happens to be a meeting day! After Claud and Stacey talk--no mention of food, just talking--we find the rest of the members gathered and ignoring Kristy, even though it's now 5:31. Sophisti-Stacey apparently has never heard of a cootie catcher and has to explain them away to us; Mal and Jessi are playing with one. Figures. Claudia passes around Ring-Dings, and while Stacey really really really wants one, she settles for some crackers. She gets a job for Charlotte, and then, as everyone's leaving, she snatches a Ring-Ding for later. Ooh. Those pregnancy cravings are a killer.
Chapter 4
Ring, ring. Peter Lerangis, is that you? No, it's Stacey's dad, and Stacey has to go to her mom's room to answer the phone since Mrs. McG is planning a baby shower over at the Pikes'. I'd totally forgotten that their new house is right behind Sweet Dee's and company. Stacey's feeling like extra crap with cheese, and she struggles into the room to answer the phone. "Boontsie" gets asked if she's ready for her upcoming NYC weekend; among other things, Mr. McG will pick her up at the train station and they'll go straight to dinner. Stacey is exhausted just thinking about it all. He then asks where her mother is, and Stacey senses she's going to be used for info. He doesn't believe his ex is simply hangin' with Sweet Dee and suspects something more sinister is going on. I mean, she's out...at night! Stacey says, Dad, it's only 8:30. And when he hints she shouldn't have been left alone, Stacey actually says, "Don't worry, I'm already pregnant." "I've been able to stay at home alone for several years now. Sometimes I even baby-sit." NICE. Her mom comes home shortly, and Stace has her take the call from downstairs so she can eavesdrop. Yes, she really has been at Sweet Dee's discussing Dee's new dress and not out with some handsome mystery man. Oh. Well, that was anti-climatic. But what Stacey did next...No, she didn't get a back-alley abortion. She digs out a chocolate bar she's hidden. And eats it. The Ring-Ding she'd swiped from Claud's the other day had been the first chocolate she'd had since her diagnosis, and it was good. And she didn't die. So, you know what, screw this crappy diet. Dawn eats this way because she chooses to, so bully for her. Stacey didn't choose this diet. Hell yeah, junk food. Bring it on, baby!
Chapter 5
You would think Charlotte was the BSC's only client, as she's the only one they apparently sit for during this whole book. Stacey's back there and Char wants to do something, make something. None of this painting crap--let's make food! Specifically, fudge! And let's invite Becca over to help! Stacey, the newfound chocolate fiend, tries to talk her out of it, but no. Even better, they pretend they're galaxy-famous chefs and wear deely-boppers while they cook. Unfortunately, their imaginations get a little too wild and their first batter ends up all over the kitchen. They have to make a second batch after cleaning up. As soon as the fudge is done, the girls realize a TV special they want to watch is on; they offer to help Stacey cut the fudge, but she goes, oh, no, you kids go and watch TV...because then I can eat fudge while you're not watching. There's a plate for Char, a plate for Becca to take home...and there's a couple of pieces wrapped in a napkin that somehow made their way into Stacey's purse.
At home that evening, Stacey can't concentrate on her homework. That's happened a lot lately; she's fallen behind. But tonight it's because all she can think of is that fudge in her purse. And the candy bar she snuck at school. And the other chocolate she's had. And...crap, she has to pack for her father's, as she leaves the next afternoon. The phone rings and it's her dad, but her mom answered and tries to talk him out of having her do too much since Stacey's been so tired lately. It doesn't help that she figures each parent will soon grill her about the other.
Chapter 6
As much as she loves the place, Stacey does not want to go to New York. For starters, her grades have been slipping and she'd rather stay at home and catch up on all her work. It's to the point where she's surprised no one from school has called her mom yet. And then she was paranoid that she was really sick and everyone else knew and just hadn't said anything to her. The worst part was that she'd have to miss a BSC meeting, and as they leave school, Stace apologizes to the other members for not being there. They all understand, and MA probably wishes she could switch places. After all, Stacey's dad is taking her to the Russian Tea Room and Sign of the Dove! OMG SQUEE! Never mind that MA first asks if Stacey's going to the Hard Rock Cafe. MA seriously asks Stace to bring her back a souvenir--"You mean like a half-eaten piece of bread?"--if she runs into any celebrities. Why am I suddenly thinking of Mary Anne as Charlotte from Sex and the City? I barely ever watched it in the first place. Odd.
Mrs. McG picks up Stacey from school and notes she looks a little pale. They go to Stoneybrook's station--really, has the town always had its own train station?--and after a wait Stacey gets on with her overnight bag and her ton o'school books. She starts in on her French homework but the next thing she knows she's halfway to the city. She'd fallen asleep. Crap. And she feels horrible and is desperately thirsty, despite having had a diet soda before boarding. She ends up going into the train car's bathroom and drinking from the tap; she does this over a half-dozen times. As soon as she meets her father, she asks for a soda. He asks if she's okay and she admits she isn't, but she's starving even though she's had breakfast, lunch, and a bag of M&Ms. Okay, she really does eat them in this book. Curse me for snarking a week or two after reading. Oh, but she didn't mention that to her dad. She gets her soda but they go straight to Mr. McG's apartment and order food. Stacey goes to bed early, but she's up all night because she's thirsty and then has to pee constantly, and her dad's bedroom is right next to the bathroom so he hears everything. In the morning, he suggests calling her doctor, and Stacey agrees; she can no longer deny that something's seriously wrong. When her doctor can't be reached, they head straight for the hospital.
Chapter 7
A babbysiting chapter. This can only mean Caludia is here! She is sitting for "Charlot," which my brain turned into Charlot the Harlot. Sure, she's quiet now, but she is being influenced by Stacey; give her a few years. It's the Saturday when Stacey goes to the hospital. Before going into the Claud and Char story, Stacey complains about hospital food--not only is it bad, it's all individually packaged and it's a total waste. Stacey, honey, it's bad enough Hodges makes you nearly indistinguishable from Dawn on the covers you share; now Ann makes you spout her rhetoric? I mean, I agree it's wasteful, but I'm sure they do it for health reasons. The fewer hands that touch something, especially in a hospital, the better.
But wait, this part of the story isn't supposed to be about Stawn. Our dear Claudia has had an ego-boosting day! Hooray! In her morning art class, her vase was held up as "exemplary"; she got 17 out of 20 correct while studying her spelling with Janine; and then Charlotte wanted to play Memory and not make messy fudge. It's a new Memory game, the one where you match the mommies and the babies. As I'm doing this snark on Mother's Day weekend, it's fitting. They play for a while and the phone rings. Charlotte answers it and comes back shaking--Mrs. McG has called and it doesn't sound good. Claudia goes to the kitchen to take the call and finds out about Stacey now being in the hospital, and Mrs. McG will leave for NYC in the morning. Believe it or not, Claud did not immediately think it was Stacey's diabetes that put her there. She figured she miscarried some attacker mugged her or something. Stacey's mom explains that Stacey is really sick and her blood sugar level is very high, and the doctors were trying to stabilize it. There was the chance Stacey could be in the hospital for a while, so could Claudia pick up her homework assignments in the meantime? Of course. Once off the phone, Claud realized she had to tell Charlotte what had happened; Char loses it when she finds out. Poor Claudia. That's a lot to put on her shoulders, and she still has to contact the rest of the BSC. I realize she probably wasn't thinking straight, but perhaps it might have been better for Mrs. McG to have called the Kishis or Sweet Dee first. Oh well.
Chapter 8 (or, the point where the book should be retitled "Stacey's Prison")
Having taken her ex's advice and not left until Sunday morning--she wouldn't have made the last train, and it probably wasn't a good idea for her to drive there, alone and upset, in the dark--Mrs. McG arrives in Stacey's hospital room at noon. Mr. McG had spent most of the past 24 hours with his daughter, which she appreciated because of how impersonal hospitals are. (Really. She goes into bullet points and everything.) Mrs. McG brings her a stuffed pig, apologizing for not finding her fave, Porky Pig, due to the short notice. Pretty much as soon as she gets there, though, Mr. McG leaves. Stacey thinks her mom is staying at his apartment and apologizes for her room being messy; oh, no, she's staying with Laine's family. Because, hello, the McGs are divorced. They can't do something like set aside their differences for their only daughter who is in the hospital, silly. Stacey moves on and tells her mom about all the blood and urine tests she's already had to endure. I've always hated to pee into a cup; my aim is horrible. And why don't they have a place to put the cup while you wash your hands? The whole situation is unpleasant. Anyway, Stacey's been given more insulin, but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. When her dad comes back, her mom leaves, and Stacey convinces her dad that she's tired and needs a nap--alone. She then muses on her private room and her boring view of a gray building across the street. Then she starts wondering about how sick she really is and if her going off her diet contributed to it, even though she'd felt like crap for a while.
She pulls out of her thoughts care of a familiar voice--Laine's. Laine has brought the first of her totally tacky, wacky gifts--and New Yorkers are supposed to be oh-so-sophisticated. In this round, Stacey receives electric-blue plastic tulips, a huge brown wind-up spider with red glasses (Sally Jessy Arachnid?), a get-well card described as big and gaudy, and a message that Laine had talked to the BSC. Everyone said nice or helpful things save for Kristy, who wants her back soon because Dawn sucks at being the treasurer. I really want Stawn to kick Kristy's butt when they're better.
Chapter 9
It's now Wednesday. Stacey's been in the hospital for four days. Her mom made her go on a schedule, so she gets up early, dresses, and does homework until food or nurses arrive. We learn the blood pressure machine is a sphygmomanometer. At one point a doctor and a bunch of med students arrive to hear Stacey's story; she tell us she "felt like a fish in a glass bowl or an animal in a cage at the zoo." Her mom, who'd been in earlier, comes back with "a beautiful emerald-green sweater and a matching beret" that she pulls out of a Benetton bag. Claudia calls at 5; the BSC called a special meeting so they could talk to Stace prior to the actual meeting. Stacey is suspicious--"Hey, how are you guys going to pay for this phone call? It's going to be an expensive one." Claudia says, "With treasury money?" Stacey sighs and replies, "Well, I guess I'm worth it." She talks to everyone, and when she gets to Jessi she asks how Charlotte's doing. Jessi says fine, then quickly passes off the phone. Hmm. As she hangs up, Laine comes in, and right afterward a hospital aide drops off a package. It's from Charlotte and Claudia, packed right after they got Mrs. McG's phone call. Stacey calls Charlotte to thank her, and at first Char is excited, then she starts asking all sorts of question and becomes anxious. She even asks if people die from diabetes. This is not reassuring to Stacey, who hangs up and tells Laine, "I think I've got a problem with Charlotte."
Chapter 10
Stacey had called Claudia regarding Charlotte, and in turn Claudia talked to Dawn, which was convenient since on Thursday Dawn had to sit for her. The problem: Hypochondria. It was bad enough that Dr. J kept Char home from school twice that week. The various maladies Charlotte thought she had included a sore throat, stomachache, headache, and earache, though she never had a fever and her appetite's been fine. Dawn arrives to find her resting on her bed. Charlotte now thinks her neck hurts and it's a pinched nerve and she might need one of those neck braces or an operation in a hospital. To not exacerbate the "pinched nerve," Dawn suggests doing something quiet, so Charlotte pulls out The Dachshunds of Mama Island from Dawn's Kid-Kit. Dawn does us the courtesy of saying it was her mother's; otherwise I'd think this was the obscure book society or something. They read for a while until Char complains that her stomach is aching and burning and she thinks she has an ulcer. Dawn knows she's faking and says, "People your age hardly ever get ulcers. ...What did you eat for dinner tonight?" Charlotte is indignant: "Dawn, this is not indigestion." And then her story changes and she's tired and thirsty; maybe she has diabetes like Stacey. Dawn's all, WTH is going on here? She decides to play doctor with an old toy doctor's kit, but as a doctor's kid, Charlotte is not fooled. Dawn decides to read to her some more, but Char still thinks she's diabetic and possibly anemic as well. When the Johanssens get home, Dawn explains the newest maladies and they brainstorm why they think Char is doing this--perhaps she wants to be sick so she can go to the hospital and be with Stacey. Rather than making her a patient, they're simply being patient with her. Stacey just needs to get well.
Chapter 11
Unfortunately, Stacey suffers a setback. She wakes up Friday morning and feels horrible again, completely exhausted despite sleeping nine hours. She rings for a nurse who says she'll get a doctor (and makes her use a bedpan, to Stacey's chagrin). She falls back asleep for a little bit; when she wakes up again, she still has no energy and no appetite as well. Her mom arrives and shortly thereafter a doctor comes in; he orders more tests and ups her insulin. Her mom had been there much of the week, but her dad hadn't; Mrs. McG says that he finds it hard to see Stacey like this, plus he's a workaholic. Stacey thinks he's being selfish. Then her mom mentions another reason: They can't be around each other. Plus, she was able to get time off from work and he wasn't, so she'd spend the days with her and he'd visit at night. This is upsetting to Stacey; they couldn't pretend to be a family for a little while while she's stuck in the hospital? Come on.
Laine comes by to visit after school and is surprised that Stacey's still in her nightgown. She's brought more crap. She'd already given Stacey a camo hat, light-up sunglasses, jewelry that glows in the dark, and a palm-tree-shaped pen. Today's gift: A hand-held mirror that laughs when you hold it up. Really, does this scream "New York Sophistication" or "Kristy" to you? Laine stays for a few hours, and after she leaves the doctor comes back in and says they want to start a new procedure--a constant flow of insulin through an IV to see if she does any better. Stacey is oh so thrilled at this thought and starts crying after he leaves.
Chapter 12
Familiar voices are coming from out in the hall. It's Claudia, Kristy, Dawn, and Mary Anne, here to visit Wilford, Jr. Stacey can hear them freaking out about her IV. They come bearing gifts and cards, having taken an early train down from Stoneybrook. Claud asks how she is, since she doesn't seem as good as the last time they talked; Stacey admits, not well, but let's not talk about it. Claud and Dawn sit on her bed while Kristy and MA sit in the uncomfortable plastic visitors' chairs; this becomes a running gag. They tell Stacey the scoop: Everyone misses her, including charges such as the Newtons and Perkinses; various kids at school wondered about her, including Ross Brown, on whom Stacey has a crush and apparently it's mutual; Mallory (who was too young to come up, as was Jessi) had collected their mail; Alan Gray got suspended (cherry bomb in the boys' lavatory)...and Cokie got a nose job. What 13-year-old gets a cosmetic nose job? Girl better have had a deviated septum. She starts opening her myriad of cards, including one from Claire Pike reading "Get Well Son," which of course is better than what Claudia could do. As she's going through them, Stacey's starting to feel weird, but she keeps going and gets to see a huge card they bring in from the hallway, "at least two feet by three feet," and signed by virtually everyone in Stoneybrook. Right then, though, a nurse bursts in. Stacey worries they'll get busted for breaking the two-visitor rule, but, well, there's more serious things to worry about--her blood sugar level is dropping and the doctor's coming. Stacey can feel that something's wrong again, and her freaked-out friends are ordered into the hallway as the medical personnel start working on her. The good news is that she feels better by the evening and will start a new regimen in the morning, but by then her friends had gone home. Bummed, Stacey asks her mom to stick around for when her father arrives. Against her better judgment, Mrs. McG stays and warns Stacey they may not have a wonderful evening. Just then, her dad arrives.
Chapter 13
Mr. McG greets Stacey, then, seeing his ex, tries to run out for coffee. Oh, no. Stacey's having none of that. Her parents then each have separate conversations with her until Mr. McG asks what had happened that morning, causing Mrs. McG to go, you'd know if you were here, and it degrades from there. They bicker about how hospital care is expensive and blah blah blah until Stacey yells at them to shut up and get out. Her parents are understandably pissed but comply. She does apologize as they walk out--"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But you guys should listen to yourselves sometime." She asks them not to come back until Monday as she needs some time to think. How would she really like to spend her Sunday? With her friends. She calls up Claudia and asks if the gang can come back out. Then she calls Laine, explains what happened, and asks her to come by tomorrow. Sunday morning she washes up and gets dressed and even puts on makeup and jewelry. Her friends arrive by one and they start opening the gifts that were brought the day before. A cool nurse comes by and ignores the extra people in the room, and the girls have as good a time as you can in a hospital.
Chapter 14
It's now Thursday, and Mary Anne just sat for the group's only client. Tonight she has been ill with "Lyme disease, arthritis, a kidney problem, and a strep throat." Psychologist Mary Anne also thinks Charlotte truly doesn't feel well because she lies awake at night worrying about Stacey. But wait! She makes a miraculous recovery and swallows the chicken bone that's been stuck in her throat! Before that, though, they pull The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew out of the Kid-Kit to read while Char continues convalescing on her bed. The phone rings while they're reading; it's Claudia to tell them that Stacey will be home this Saturday! Yay! Of course, Stacey won't be up for much; she needs a week of rest, then can go back to school, and after another week she can sit again. MA tells Char what's going on, and Charlotte wants to throw her a party--something quiet, since Stacey's supposed to be resting. They'll make a banner, drag over a picnic table from the Pikes', serve juice and lemonade--sugar-free lemonade, that is. Char also announces that her various illnesses have cleared up. Phew. I was so worried.
Chapter 15 (or, We're Glad You're Home, Stacey)
Stacey, sprung from the hospital and her boring view, exclaims, "Hey, Mom, there are colors out here!" She also declares the highway home the Yellow Brick Road and says she feels like Dorothy getting the heck out of Oz. That's the Baum version, not the HBO version, though she might like that one better. She and Mrs. McG had spent part of the morning packing up and delivering excess flowers to the nurses and some other patients. Her dad stops by to say good-bye, and neither parent flees the room. Phew. Mr. McG reminds her that if she's not feeling well, for goodness' sake, say something. She apologizes for ruining the visit and they joke about it being a bad vacation.
As they pull onto Elm Street, Mrs. McG shakes Stacey awake to see the gaggle of small children and BSC members waiting outside their home. The cast of characters includes Char, Becca, Jamie Newton, Myriah and Gabbie Perkins, and a few Pikes. There are balloons on the mailbox and a banner over the front door that reads "We're Glad You're Home, Stacey!" Charlotte came up with it while MA was sitting for her. Everyone rushes to greet and hug her; MA passes out lemonade. Dawn senses her other half is tired and shoos everyone away save for Claudia. Stace and Claud go upstairs to talk until Stacey falls asleep. She sleeps for a few hours, then after dinner she asks to talk to her mom and confesses a few things. One, she won't be the "monkey-in-the-middle" for her parents anymore; if they want information about the other, they'll have to go straight to the source. Two, she's sorry she's been so crabby lately. And three, uh, yeah, she kinda sorta went off her diet and maybe that's why she landed in the hospital. Dear heart, shouldn't you have said something, like, as soon as you got to the ER? Mrs. McG isn't too happy to hear this, but says the sweets probably didn't cause the issue considering Stacey hadn't been well for a while before that. She points out how Stacey's been ill lately--with actual illnesses, not Charlotte ones--in addition to being busy, and that didn't help things. Stacey's relieved and promises to tell her mom when she's not feeling well, then goes to call her dad to tell him the same thing.
I'm noticing a pattern with all the previously half-snarked books I'm doing--they tend to be on hard-to-snark topics. I guess I'm glad AMM tackled some tough topics, but at the same time, I'd rather have fluffier books. Even when Claudia broke her leg, there were still practical jokes and things to lighten the heaviness of the story line.