and now, the conclusion to the BSC Christmas Chiller!
Here
Are
The
Previous
Six
Parts
Chapter 19 A Stacey Chapter
God, this was an awkward chapter to read.
While NYC is in the midst of a big snowstorm, Ethan calls Stacey and tells her they need to talk. Stacey suspects that they're either breaking up (which wouldn't be terribly bad, really) or that he's ready to 'fess up to being a nutjob. So he comes over in the midst of the snowstorm, and they all sit down to drink tea. He tells them about the butterscotch-haired girl he was there to see the other day. (Ah-HA!) Stacey brings up all the strange things that have been going on, and Ethan told Stacey about how unstable Butterscotch Hair-Girl--whose name is Cybil--was when he was dating her.
So now it's possible that this Cybil shrew has been stalking and harassing Stacey. But Claudia points out it doesn't explain why he's been so secretive and how come he wouldn't let the girls into his apartment. I don't know about you, but do you ever want anyone coming into your room or home when you haven't done any cleaning? And I guess Ethan's been working on a sculpture of Stacey. Lovely.
Claudia thinks they should do what the note says. STACEY, CLAUDIA, DON'T GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT! THERE'S BAD MUSIC DOWN THERE!
Too late. All three of them go. It's deserted. They're in the basement, in the middle of a blizzard, and they're looking for a lunatic.
And as Han Solo would say about now, I've got a bad feeling about this....
Then the lights go out.
And the chapter ends. ARGH, cliffhangers!
Chapter 20 A Mary Anne chapter
Well, the blizzard is subsequently hitting Stoneybrook as well as NYC. And Mary Anne is sitting for the Pikes. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Mary Anne help sit for the Pikes during the Super Special when a previous blizzard hit the 'Brook? Lots of Nor'Easters goin' on.
But Mary Anne (and Mallory) will be watching the kids while Mr. and Mrs. Pike are making Christmas preparations. Mrs. Pike wants to get into high gear with her Christmas cooking, but if I were Mary Anne and Mallory, I'd stay out of the kitchen. Who knows just what John and Dee will be doing in there, but I guarantee you this. It's NOT baking. *wink wink nudge nudge*
Mary Anne tells Mal she's surprised Mal left rehearsals early, but Mal says someone was being a cranky shepherd and gives Claire the stink-eye. Mal tells Mary Anne she's surprised Mary Anne made it over to babysit. Mary Anne tells her that Sharon's new Outback can go through snow. WOW. An Outback? I'm amazed Sharon would buy a gas-guzzler. But then again, Dawn's been out in Cali, not nagging her about shit like that.
And I guess Mary is helping out with the baking some. Mallory made Mary a nice ornament for her Secret Santa present. Mallory hasn't heard back about the picture she faxed of Mary. But MA suggests maybe that ring came from a jewelry store near the maternity store. And you don't normally pay cash for expensive one-of-a-kind jewelry like that, so maybe the jeweler has it on record who bought it. Next thing you know, Mallory's on her feet, excited, kissing MA's ass and telling her, "GREAT IDEA! It's Kristy-caliber!" Mallory, Kristy is NOT the only one who can have great ideas. And really, this isn't a great idea. It's kind of a stretch, to be quite honest.
Because this was written in 1997 before the Internet was heavily prevalent, Mallory has to make a phone call all the way to the BabyBaby boutique in Del Flores, California, and she manages to get the phone numbers of three jewelers out that way. So Mallory calls them as well (MAN, Dee and John will be irate when they see this phone bill! But it's all for helping Mary out, so I guess it's all good.) Third jeweler asks Mallory to fax a picture of the ring. But they don't really get a chance to, because...well, turns out there will be a new baby in the Pike house after all. Mary's water just broke!
And they can't call 911 because the phone lines are dead. Isn't that lovely?!!
Chapter 21 A Kristy Chapter
Well, everything fits into place in this chapter, thanks to Dawn and NOT Kristy, believe it or not. The rake fell out of the pickup truck Mrs. Korman had seen. The dirty footprints belonged to someone who spent a lot of time in dirt. The care taken not to ruin greenery could have been habitual. Lots of people in Kristy's neighborhood hired new gardening services. At this point, Watson and Mrs. Stevenson were the only ones who hadn't fired this Mr. Nixon yet. Oh, and the cut-up gardening magazines of Watson's and Nannie's that conveniently had the letters missing that were in the notes helped them out, too. (Kristy figured THAT one out. She's got to take credit for SOMETHING, you know.)
The Thomas-Brewers made a big deal of "leaving for the weekend," but they're staying at the Stevensons' in order to catch the thief in the act. They even took Shannon the dog to the Papadakiseseses', but they just locked Boo-Boo in the basement with a lot of food and water and cat litter. Nobody loves cranky ol' Boo-Boo.
So now, they're just lurking out of Abby's front window, waiting for the thief to make his/her move. Even the police are staked out in unmarked cars.
And, well, yeah, they catch him. As the police are hauling him away, Mr. Nixon points at Watson and shrieks, "YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME!" And Watson's all, "No, you did this to yourself." This chapter would've been more interesting if Mr. Nixon had pointed at Kristy instead and would've shrieked, "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, TOO, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!"
The BSC should just make Shannon their Scooby-Doo and make it official.
Chapter 22 A Claudia Chapter
Yeah, I figure I may as well finish up this book, if I'm this far away from the end. So, what word can Claudia manage to fuck up in her one-sentence notebook entry?
"loonatick" Uhm.....lunatic? *shrugs* Whatever.
The lights have gone out in the basement of Stacey's apartment building. Claudia realizes they forgot to bring a flashlight. Duh! The power must've went out. Suuuuuuure.
They decide to hang on to each other to get out in one piece. But Claud's not holding on to Stacey OR Ethan because their voices are on the other side. A hand shoots out and grabs Claud's wrist and she screams bloody murder. She and Stacey try running out of the basement, but they both fall over stuff. Then Stacey's pinned against a wall by a beam of light from a flashlight and a voice tells her, "Don't move or you'll be sorry."
Yeah. It's fucking Cybil, the psycho ex-girlfriend. She's just jealous of Stacey, that's all. And she's throwing shit around, being violent. They manage to grab a hold of her and get her to calm down, and then Cybil stops flailing around and is all, "I'm sorry, please don't hate me." Yeah, whatever, you crazy skank.
So Stacey and Ethan are good, and it looks like it'll be a good Christmas after all.
Chapter 23 A Mallory Chapter
Mary Anne is off to get Richard (with his cellphone!) and Sharon (with her Outback!). In the middle of the blizzard. Yeah, Mary Anne, that's safe. How far is Burnt Hill Road from Slate Street? And since Claire is scared, they have her go turn on all the lights in the house. Mallory's been racking up big phone bills to California, and here's Claire sucking up all the electricity. It'll be an expensive Christmas for the Pikes! I wouldn't want to see their bills in January!
Richard tried calling for an ambulance for Mary, but none are readily available. Great.
But of course, Dee is perfectly calm. I imagine she would be, having given birth to eight kids previously. She could practically reach right down and pull the baby out like Kourtney Kardashian pretty much did on that special episode of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians." (SHUT UP, they repeat that show all the time on E!, and there was nothing else on!) So I guess Richard is going to drive Mary Doe to the hospital himself. Dee is going with, and before she leaves, she reminds Mallory to take the casserole out of the oven in exactly 22 minutes.
Then they turn some of the lights off in the house. And take the casserole out of the oven. And put cookies in tins.
And then they wait.
..............
Mary Anne eventually says, "Wait till Kristy finds out what happened. She'll be so jealous!" Uh-huh. And then she'll realize, "NEW BABY?!!!" and shove a BSC flier in Mary Doe's face.
Then all of a sudden, the phone rings. THE PHONE IS WORKING AGAIN! HUZZAH! It's Elena Papademetriou (WOW, what a last name) from the jewelry store that Mal faxed the ring picture to. Turns out her nephew designed a ring just like that to replace the ring his wife had lost down the drain, and he gave it to her before leaving for Australia. Mallory's all, "What's her name?!" Her name is Lisa Papademetriou. FINALLY, A NAME!
Then Dee calls to let them know they arrived safely. And to ask Mallory if she took the casserole out of the oven. Of all the things, Dee. *LOL*
So if they were located out of California, and her husband was in Australia, why was Lisa in Stoneybrook, Connecticut? She has family out on the east coast and was paying them a visit. Of course. AND it looks like since she's had the baby, she's starting to get her memory back! How convenient!
And Lisa decided to name her new baby Nicholas. She names her baby after the Pike kid who seems to break his fingers a lot.
That Christmas Eve, all the BSC is at the local church watching Mallory's Christmas play. Even Abby, who is Jewish, but not too Jewish to attend a Christian service. Reminds me of Kyle on "South Park."
Epilogue. In Jessi's handwriting.
MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!
From what I can decipher, Sgt. Johnson sent the BSC a thank-you postcard congratulating them for their help. And Lisa sent them a belated Christmas card, saying she had the best Christmas she'll never forget. Abby remarks, "That's the worst joke I've ever heard." Ethan wrote a letter to Claudia, apologizing for dragging her into the psycho-ex-GF mess. (And that he likes her a lot better than Stacey. I KID! I KID!)
*slams book shut and throws it across the room* I'M FINALLY DONE WITH THIS BOOK!!!
Are
The
Previous
Six
Parts
Chapter 19 A Stacey Chapter
God, this was an awkward chapter to read.
While NYC is in the midst of a big snowstorm, Ethan calls Stacey and tells her they need to talk. Stacey suspects that they're either breaking up (which wouldn't be terribly bad, really) or that he's ready to 'fess up to being a nutjob. So he comes over in the midst of the snowstorm, and they all sit down to drink tea. He tells them about the butterscotch-haired girl he was there to see the other day. (Ah-HA!) Stacey brings up all the strange things that have been going on, and Ethan told Stacey about how unstable Butterscotch Hair-Girl--whose name is Cybil--was when he was dating her.
So now it's possible that this Cybil shrew has been stalking and harassing Stacey. But Claudia points out it doesn't explain why he's been so secretive and how come he wouldn't let the girls into his apartment. I don't know about you, but do you ever want anyone coming into your room or home when you haven't done any cleaning? And I guess Ethan's been working on a sculpture of Stacey. Lovely.
Claudia thinks they should do what the note says. STACEY, CLAUDIA, DON'T GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT! THERE'S BAD MUSIC DOWN THERE!
Too late. All three of them go. It's deserted. They're in the basement, in the middle of a blizzard, and they're looking for a lunatic.
And as Han Solo would say about now, I've got a bad feeling about this....
Then the lights go out.
And the chapter ends. ARGH, cliffhangers!
Chapter 20 A Mary Anne chapter
Well, the blizzard is subsequently hitting Stoneybrook as well as NYC. And Mary Anne is sitting for the Pikes. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Mary Anne help sit for the Pikes during the Super Special when a previous blizzard hit the 'Brook? Lots of Nor'Easters goin' on.
But Mary Anne (and Mallory) will be watching the kids while Mr. and Mrs. Pike are making Christmas preparations. Mrs. Pike wants to get into high gear with her Christmas cooking, but if I were Mary Anne and Mallory, I'd stay out of the kitchen. Who knows just what John and Dee will be doing in there, but I guarantee you this. It's NOT baking. *wink wink nudge nudge*
Mary Anne tells Mal she's surprised Mal left rehearsals early, but Mal says someone was being a cranky shepherd and gives Claire the stink-eye. Mal tells Mary Anne she's surprised Mary Anne made it over to babysit. Mary Anne tells her that Sharon's new Outback can go through snow. WOW. An Outback? I'm amazed Sharon would buy a gas-guzzler. But then again, Dawn's been out in Cali, not nagging her about shit like that.
And I guess Mary is helping out with the baking some. Mallory made Mary a nice ornament for her Secret Santa present. Mallory hasn't heard back about the picture she faxed of Mary. But MA suggests maybe that ring came from a jewelry store near the maternity store. And you don't normally pay cash for expensive one-of-a-kind jewelry like that, so maybe the jeweler has it on record who bought it. Next thing you know, Mallory's on her feet, excited, kissing MA's ass and telling her, "GREAT IDEA! It's Kristy-caliber!" Mallory, Kristy is NOT the only one who can have great ideas. And really, this isn't a great idea. It's kind of a stretch, to be quite honest.
Because this was written in 1997 before the Internet was heavily prevalent, Mallory has to make a phone call all the way to the BabyBaby boutique in Del Flores, California, and she manages to get the phone numbers of three jewelers out that way. So Mallory calls them as well (MAN, Dee and John will be irate when they see this phone bill! But it's all for helping Mary out, so I guess it's all good.) Third jeweler asks Mallory to fax a picture of the ring. But they don't really get a chance to, because...well, turns out there will be a new baby in the Pike house after all. Mary's water just broke!
And they can't call 911 because the phone lines are dead. Isn't that lovely?!!
Chapter 21 A Kristy Chapter
Well, everything fits into place in this chapter, thanks to Dawn and NOT Kristy, believe it or not. The rake fell out of the pickup truck Mrs. Korman had seen. The dirty footprints belonged to someone who spent a lot of time in dirt. The care taken not to ruin greenery could have been habitual. Lots of people in Kristy's neighborhood hired new gardening services. At this point, Watson and Mrs. Stevenson were the only ones who hadn't fired this Mr. Nixon yet. Oh, and the cut-up gardening magazines of Watson's and Nannie's that conveniently had the letters missing that were in the notes helped them out, too. (Kristy figured THAT one out. She's got to take credit for SOMETHING, you know.)
The Thomas-Brewers made a big deal of "leaving for the weekend," but they're staying at the Stevensons' in order to catch the thief in the act. They even took Shannon the dog to the Papadakiseseses', but they just locked Boo-Boo in the basement with a lot of food and water and cat litter. Nobody loves cranky ol' Boo-Boo.
So now, they're just lurking out of Abby's front window, waiting for the thief to make his/her move. Even the police are staked out in unmarked cars.
And, well, yeah, they catch him. As the police are hauling him away, Mr. Nixon points at Watson and shrieks, "YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME!" And Watson's all, "No, you did this to yourself." This chapter would've been more interesting if Mr. Nixon had pointed at Kristy instead and would've shrieked, "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, TOO, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!"
The BSC should just make Shannon their Scooby-Doo and make it official.
Chapter 22 A Claudia Chapter
Yeah, I figure I may as well finish up this book, if I'm this far away from the end. So, what word can Claudia manage to fuck up in her one-sentence notebook entry?
"loonatick" Uhm.....lunatic? *shrugs* Whatever.
The lights have gone out in the basement of Stacey's apartment building. Claudia realizes they forgot to bring a flashlight. Duh! The power must've went out. Suuuuuuure.
They decide to hang on to each other to get out in one piece. But Claud's not holding on to Stacey OR Ethan because their voices are on the other side. A hand shoots out and grabs Claud's wrist and she screams bloody murder. She and Stacey try running out of the basement, but they both fall over stuff. Then Stacey's pinned against a wall by a beam of light from a flashlight and a voice tells her, "Don't move or you'll be sorry."
Yeah. It's fucking Cybil, the psycho ex-girlfriend. She's just jealous of Stacey, that's all. And she's throwing shit around, being violent. They manage to grab a hold of her and get her to calm down, and then Cybil stops flailing around and is all, "I'm sorry, please don't hate me." Yeah, whatever, you crazy skank.
So Stacey and Ethan are good, and it looks like it'll be a good Christmas after all.
Chapter 23 A Mallory Chapter
Mary Anne is off to get Richard (with his cellphone!) and Sharon (with her Outback!). In the middle of the blizzard. Yeah, Mary Anne, that's safe. How far is Burnt Hill Road from Slate Street? And since Claire is scared, they have her go turn on all the lights in the house. Mallory's been racking up big phone bills to California, and here's Claire sucking up all the electricity. It'll be an expensive Christmas for the Pikes! I wouldn't want to see their bills in January!
Richard tried calling for an ambulance for Mary, but none are readily available. Great.
But of course, Dee is perfectly calm. I imagine she would be, having given birth to eight kids previously. She could practically reach right down and pull the baby out like Kourtney Kardashian pretty much did on that special episode of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians." (SHUT UP, they repeat that show all the time on E!, and there was nothing else on!) So I guess Richard is going to drive Mary Doe to the hospital himself. Dee is going with, and before she leaves, she reminds Mallory to take the casserole out of the oven in exactly 22 minutes.
Then they turn some of the lights off in the house. And take the casserole out of the oven. And put cookies in tins.
And then they wait.
..............
Mary Anne eventually says, "Wait till Kristy finds out what happened. She'll be so jealous!" Uh-huh. And then she'll realize, "NEW BABY?!!!" and shove a BSC flier in Mary Doe's face.
Then all of a sudden, the phone rings. THE PHONE IS WORKING AGAIN! HUZZAH! It's Elena Papademetriou (WOW, what a last name) from the jewelry store that Mal faxed the ring picture to. Turns out her nephew designed a ring just like that to replace the ring his wife had lost down the drain, and he gave it to her before leaving for Australia. Mallory's all, "What's her name?!" Her name is Lisa Papademetriou. FINALLY, A NAME!
Then Dee calls to let them know they arrived safely. And to ask Mallory if she took the casserole out of the oven. Of all the things, Dee. *LOL*
So if they were located out of California, and her husband was in Australia, why was Lisa in Stoneybrook, Connecticut? She has family out on the east coast and was paying them a visit. Of course. AND it looks like since she's had the baby, she's starting to get her memory back! How convenient!
And Lisa decided to name her new baby Nicholas. She names her baby after the Pike kid who seems to break his fingers a lot.
That Christmas Eve, all the BSC is at the local church watching Mallory's Christmas play. Even Abby, who is Jewish, but not too Jewish to attend a Christian service. Reminds me of Kyle on "South Park."
Epilogue. In Jessi's handwriting.
MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!
From what I can decipher, Sgt. Johnson sent the BSC a thank-you postcard congratulating them for their help. And Lisa sent them a belated Christmas card, saying she had the best Christmas she'll never forget. Abby remarks, "That's the worst joke I've ever heard." Ethan wrote a letter to Claudia, apologizing for dragging her into the psycho-ex-GF mess. (And that he likes her a lot better than Stacey. I KID! I KID!)
*slams book shut and throws it across the room* I'M FINALLY DONE WITH THIS BOOK!!!