Karen's New Teacher
I wanted to snark, so I thought I'd have a go at a BSC LS book. Oh, how I loathe Karen sometimes.
Chapter 1 - Arithmetic Pizza
Natalie is counting pepperoni, which I am singing in my head to the tune of ‘one potato, two potato, three potato, four.’ Karen (witheringly, I would imagine) tells her to spread it around half the pizza.
Yes folks, The Kids in Ms Colman’s Class are learning about fractions by making imaginary pizzas. I’m sure we never did anything that fun. The *really* awesome thing about this is the fact that later on they will actually make real pizzas and have a class pizza party. I’m jealous. And I want pizza.
Ms Colman is apparently the best teacher ever because she listens and comes up with fun activities. Hmmm, but how much actual teaching does she do?
The girls are discussing what to put on their pizza. Hannie suggests olives and Karen freaks out. This is ridiculous for 3 reasons:
- It is a paper pizza
- Even if they were to eat it, the olives are only going on a quarter
- Karen likes olives. Either in Karen’s Thanksgiving or Karen’s Birthday (I’m not sure which) she requests olives.
Then she gets hyper about buying a van tomorrow. I would have found this boring at age 7, but there we go. Ms Colman chews her out. Ha. But Karen still says how nice she is.
Chapter 2 - Only One Ms Colman
Now I’m singing that to the tune of ‘One Jimmy Grimble.’
Moving on. Divorce, two-twos, pets, big house, little house and there is ‘Only One Ms Colman.’
Not sure what that has to do with anything at the moment, other than to re-iterate the two-two-ness. My head hurts.
Chapter 3 - The Substitute
In my head, I am saying this in a horror movie voice. Or, does anyone remember the Point Horror books? Lerangis wrote some of those, ya know…I’m digressing somewhat. Anyway, The Substitute sounds like a Point Horror book.
It’s Monday and there is no Ms Colman! Instead, there is a substitute. And Karen doesn’t like substitutes. She only likes Ms Colman. Not a terribly open minded view. The teacher’s name is Mrs Pettig and Karen immediately snarks because she wrote on the board in big, printed letters. What’s wrong with that?
Then Karen and Nancy are annoyed because they have to wear nametags. This seems fairly sensible to me. She explains that Ms Colman is ill and will be back tomorrow. Karen is irritated at the work they have to do. Yes, it certainly isn’t very taxing but it’s only for one day!
Karen is glad that Monday has ended. I am glad that the chapter has ended.
Chapter 4 - The Awful Surprising Announcement
I am loving the way the BSC LS books have proper chapter titles. It makes it all sound so exciting. The BSC should have done the same thing. Chapter 7 - Another Charge in Mal’s Care has an Accident.
Moving on.
Ms Colman is back and makes a Surprising Announcement. But, horrors! This one is awful. She is going to be off school for a month as she has to have an operation. She reassures the kids that they will have a good Substitute and the pizza party when they return. I want to know what the operation is. Having it so quickly would never happen in real life, unless it what life or death! Or, you have private healthcare. How does it work in the states? Over here in the UK, you can be waiting forever! I had to wait nearly 2 years before I could be seen by a physiotherapist after I mashed my back up.
Karen hugs Ms Colman goodbye. She is depressed. Aw, poor Karen.
Chapter 5 - Promises
This sounds like a SVH chapter.
Anyway, Karen is in a bad mood. She shouts at the dogs and Andrew. Mommy makes her apologise. Then she talks to Karen about why she is so angry and sad. But Karen storms upstairs. Later on, Seth and Mommy come to talk to her. In a rare display of good parenting, they let her talk and put her mind at ease. Karen feels a tiny bit better.
I know Lisa Engle is regarded as a bit of a fox and sexy-momma, but I think she may be one of the better parents of the Brook.
Chapter 6 - Karen’s New Teacher
After which, the book is named.
Karen and Nancy get to school and immediately decide that the teacher is mean. So much for giving her a chance. How very dare she wear grey and have grey hair! I like grey. I wear grey sometimes. They enter the classroom and she tells them to sit down quietly and read or draw. This does not sound unreasonable, but apparently it is because Ms Colman lets them run around in the classroom.
Ms Colman does not care about health and safety, evidently.
Ms Hoffman lays down some rules, such as not talking unless your hand is raised. This is fair enough. She also reseats the kids in alphabetical order. Again, I understand this because it’ll make it easier for her at the beginning with regards to names, but I also get why the kids are annoyed about it. After all, it’s not really going to take long to get to know who is who, regardless of where they’re sitting.
I had a substitute teacher for a month once, when I was in Year 3. She was kind of how I imagine Ms Hoffman to be. But, I really like her. Yeah, spot the teacher’s pet.
Pamela sucks up to Ms Hoffman by saying how she loves rules. Actually, because I’m kind of anal, I like rules too. As long as everyone else keeps them and I’m the one setting them.
I hate it when people break the rules when I’m bowling!
Karen renames Ms Hoffman to Hatey Hoffman. Karen is a bi-atch. And Ms Hoffman will now always be known as Hatey.
Chapter 7 - *** and XXX
Censored words and porn?! Oh wait.
The class are working on arithmetic, using their workbooks. I used to like workbooks too! And worksheets. I’m a nerd. When Karen finishes, Hatey tells her read. Nothing like some silent reading. I’d love this class.
After maths, Hatey introduces the class to the Chore Chart. Boooo to chores. Though because I’m odd, I liked doing them in the classroom. Organising felt tips is the best job ever. When the kids get 15 stars for doing chores, they’ll get a certificate. Awesome. Karen snarks about it just being a piece of paper. Shut up, Karen. She’s trying to make chores interesting for you.
Karen is annoyed about cleaning the sink. Well, you’ll all have to do it eventually. Pamela is cleaning out Hootie’s cage. Why is Karen so anal about a sink? Sinks are easy to clean. Pamela is being a snoot and thanks Hatey for letting her clean the cage. I agree with Karen on the ‘Oh, barf’ statement.
Chapter 8 - The Dunce
Next day at school, Karen is reading while waiting for the bell to ring. She calls out to Ricky and gets into trouble. Hee. Then she gets excited when a surprise spelling quiz is announced. Karen is weird. She gets into trouble again. Then she gets into trouble again when she gets excited about being the paper-passer. Karen, you kinda deserved it for calling out three times. Then, in the afternoon, she has to stand in the corner for ten minutes for drawing in her book. Ha. Pamela calls her a dunce. Aweome. Karen gets an X that day and she is not allowed to pass out the homework sheets. She thinks this unfair. I think she should have behaved.
Chapter 9 - Two Straight Lines
Ah, a Madeline reference.
Oh no, maybe not. Hatey wants the class to practise lining up. Funny. Ricky knocks a chair over. How in the world do you knock over a chair, lining up? No wonder Hatey wants them to practice. She makes them line up in two straight lines, one of boys, one of girls. Useful for line dancing.
Karen is annoyed that ‘no talking’ is Hatey’s favourite rule and wonders why Hatey does not like to hear their voices when she loves to hear hers. Oh, Karen.
Oh, here is the Madeline reference. Some fifth grade girls comment on it when they walk past. All the kids are annoyed, even Pamela the Snoot who is secretly Rather Awesome. Karen gets into trouble after saying to Nancy that the principal is staring at them. She gets extra homework.
Learn when to keep your mouth shut, Karen. Am I alone thinking it’s about time that someone lay down the law with Karen? She gets away with everything else.
Pamela the Rebel does not do her chore. Awesome.
Chapter 10 - School Rules
Hmmm, a double meaning to this chapter title. Of course, in this book, they are referring to the school rules. If Ms Colman was well, it would of course mean that school rules. My head hurts.
Karen is telling everyone that she hates Hatey and complains about the rules. Daddy tells her that you shouldn’t say you hate anyone. But that’s about it for his input. After dinner, she goes to do her extra homework, which is a 50 word essay on following school rules. Even for a 7 year old, this really shouldn’t take very long. Especially for a so-called intelligent one. Then she wonders if the title counts as part of the essay. I say no. It is the title. Not the essay. Then she wonders if ‘I’ is a word. I start head-desking.
Karen starts digressing and writes a song to the tune of Old McDonald, about Hatey. I start singing it and have difficults make the ‘Oh we hate, hate Hatey’ bits fit. Gah. Why must I think too much?
Then….there is a knock at the door!
Chapter 11 - Tricking Ms Hoffman
Sam comes in. He tells Karen how fun substitute teachers are to trick. Is this just an American thing? Because I never got tricking substitutes and we never did. Or, maybe I’m a goody-two-shoes?
Karen gets an idea and when Sam leaves, she calls Hannie and suggests playing a trick. Hannie is not convinced, but she agrees. Then Kristy calls Karen a phone-hog. She hangs up and returns to her work and finally comes up with this:
School rules are very, very, very important. They help keep our school running smoothly. If a nice, nice visitor came to Stoneybrook Academy, he (of this person could be a she) would want to see an orderly school. Since I am very, very proud of my school, I want it to look nice. Thank you.
It’s 59 words long, not counting the title, according to Karen. It’s 55 words according to my word count. I double check and yes, it is 55. Now, for someone worrying over whether it has to be exactly 50 words, why has she repeated so many words? She could have left our a ‘nice,’ two ‘verys’ and ‘Thank you.’ Stupid Karen.
But for now, she has the weekend without Hatey. Hurrah!
Chapter 12 - The First Trick
Hmmm, no weekends at the Big or Little Houses. Makes a change. Back to school and Karen calls everyone over during recess to hear her idea.
Everyone except Pamela agrees to play tricks. Gotta admire Pamela for having the guts to Just Say No against peer pressure. Except, they’re not smoking crack or anything.
They go back to class and Karen comments that Hatey never smiles. They take out their science books and take turns reading out loud. All the kids are being quiet and behaving. Suspicious yet?
I would be, because at 2.00pm - BANG!
Every single kid except Pamela knocks their book on the floor. Just like in Enid Blyton school books! Remember them pulling the same trick in St Claire’s on Miss Kenny the Substitute History Teacher?
Hatey yells and rants about best manners and Karen thinks about tricks.
Chapter 13 - Underwear
Oooh-er! Matron!
A few days later, the kids have a spelling test. But no one writes anything down, except Pamela who is still Just Saying No. After Hatey has given the twenty spelling words, she collects the blank papers and one written on paper in. Pamela is, unsurprisingly the score scorer with the massive total of forty per cent. Everyone else got zero, but Pamela is angry and thinks she should have joined in. Maybe you should have learnt your spellings and you would have got more right? Just a thought.
In the afternoon, during science, Pamela starts humming the underwear song. Soon, the whole class joins in. Hatey doesn’t do anything until she gives them extra homework, including a 100 word composition. Ha!
Karen laments about it being Thursday and the composition being due on Monday.
Chapter 14 - The Worst Teacher Ever
Karen writes her composition and calls it ‘The Worst Teacher Ever.’ It’s about a girl called Carrie and her teacher Mrs Hoffburger. Yes, and everything in it is about Ms Hoffman. Boring. Then she has the balls to hand it in on Monday. Is she stupid or very brave?
Somehow, she gets an A. But, due to the lack of comments on it, she doesn’t know what it means.
Later on, Hatey pulls the class up on the messiness of their homework. I don’t blame her - even at age 7, surely you know not to doodle in the margins of your homework and hand in paper with holes in it? So, Hatey decides that the class must start dressing more neatly, to teach them about neatness. No trousers for girls, or jeans for everyone. This is kinda stupid. I actually agree with her on the neatness but it is possible to be smart when wearing jeans and trousers. Ever heard of smart-casual?
The next day, the kids are annoyed. But, Pamela has an idea. She is not longer Just Saying No.
Chapter 15 - Backwards Day
The class dress as per Hatey’s instructions, but when they get to school, they go to the bathroom and change their clothes so they are wearing them backwards.
Karen even puts her glasses upside down. Would these not hurt her eyes, if the lenses are different for each eye?
Natalie has brushed her hair over her face and then put her glasses on, Cousin It style. Awesome! I like this girl. Pamela nearly, but not quite, outdoes her by wearing a back to front wedding dress. Awesomeness.
Hatey comes in. Hatey laughs.
Later, after recess, they discover that even Hatey put her clothes on backwards! The woman DOES have a sense of humour. She asks if they ever did it for Ms Colman and Karen says they never had to. Serious kudos points for Hatey here, asking why, but not crossly.
Karen says it’s because they behave well without rules. I disagree, but Hatey asks them to show her.
Chapter 16 - The Big Rock Candy Mountain
The next day, the Chore Chart has gone, but the kids still do the chores. Would they have done them anyway, or are they proving a point? Later, Hatey (now to be known as The Hoff as she is no longer hated) moves the kids back to their original seats. Hmmm.
The Hoff wonders why the kids are being so quiet. They all start talking. Then she comments on the fact that they’re all dressed up. Maybe because she made them? Augh. This plot is stupid.
When the kids line up in two lines, again, she asks them why. They form one orderly line.
At the end of the second day, The Hoff pulls out a guitar and teaches them ‘The Big Rock Candy Mountain.’ She tells the class if they behave well, they can sing every day. Sounds like bribery to me.
I prefer The Hoff as she was earlier in the story.
Chapter 17 - A Present for Ms Hoffman
One day, The Hoff tells the class that Ms Colman will be back next week. Karen is excited, until she realises that she will miss The Hoff’s guitar.
When Karen calls a meeting at recess, Ricky agrees. Only Hannie is nice enough to say that she’ll miss The Hoff as opposed to her guitar.
The class decide to give a going-away party. They decide to have it on Friday afternoon. The class collect $8 to buy a present and naturally Karen goes to buy it. Ricky goes with her and they buy her a plastic blue flower pin. Sounds like something Claudia would wear.
Chapter 18 - Goodbye Ms Hoffman
Karen is so excited, she can’t sleep! And she can’t wear for Ms Colman to come back.
The class mind their best manners all morning and the room mothers come in the afternoon. What a weird term. So room mother, playground father?
So, the cake is brought in. Mmmmm, cake. They eat cake, juice, play games and sing. Sounds like a good afternoon to me! They give her the present and The Hoff is nice enough to wear the gaudy plastic flower straight away. She thanks the class and all in all, it’s a rather nice goodbye!
Chapter 19 - Karen’s Last Surprise
Karen and Ricky are helping The Hoff clean up. After Ricky goes, Karen gives The Hoff her last surprise. It’s homework! Yes, she actually is sad enough to have redone her composition. It’s now called ‘My New Teacher,’ and once again, it is a real life story. And it’s a massive 79 words long. Karen can’t count. It’s probably 7 words long.
They have a nice talk and Karen says goodbye.
Chapter 20 - Hello, Ms Colman!
Karen worries about Ms Colman not coming back and pokes Andrew. Who pokes back. So, she pokes back. And he pokes back. And Seth intervenes.
They get to school and Nancy and Karen enter the classroom.
It’s empty of teachers which can only mean one thing! Ms Colman is back!
Of course, she could not be back and the substitute be late, but this scenario naturally doesn’t occur to these second graders.
So, Ms Colman is back, the class are having a pizza party and the surname of my ex is Colman *sniff sniff*
The End!
So, the moral of the story? If someone calls you out on misbehaving, misbehave even more!
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