The best way to put some of it
Hi my names Bryan. Odds are you think I'm an asshole, I'd be prone to agree with you most times. I've always hated life, not just mine I guess it's the conept. I'm not really to sure. I just never really wanted any of it, I certainly didn't want to die though. It just always felt like an impossible game. Growing up my parents were poor, I was born one month after my mother turned 18 and my biological father left when I was two weeks old.
I never lacked a father though. At about two my mom met my dad. He fell for her the first time I called him dad. They had my sister when I was almost 4, my mom still wasn't completely divorced. He was always somewhere in jail, selling weed and acid robbing houses. He was about 20 or so at the time. They got married when I was four, and when I was 7 my dad Rick O'Brien adopted me and my name officially changed, but was already going by it. Helen my sister was three months premature and ran up over 1 million dollars in medical bills by the time she was 3. She's had most of her surgeries since then. I'll spare her details but I just bring it in because all I did was watch my sister suffer while I was growing up. When I was in the 4th grade she developed mastoiditis. I got up so I could help fill her IV's. She had last rights performed on her. I overheard my mom talk about how she was afraid helen would die. I spent my whole childhood prior and later afraid she'd die at any time.
She had her mastoids removed, and her eardrums synthetically replaced two years ago. Since then she's regained alot of stuff she was missing. All the problems affected her learning and emotional development, every day now I see her get smarter and more human. I wasn't the nicest brother.
My sister Tessa was born right after I turned 8. Earlier that year I overheard my parents talk about aborting her. My dad was in school trying to get a better life for us. My mom supported us by working at pizza hut and babysitting. All I saw from my parents was strength, but I also had to watch them grow up. At this time I'd been misdiagnosed for add, due to stuttering (a problem I still have when nervous or tired) and being overly talkative (ask anyone who actually knows me). I excelled in special projects in school but my teachers always told me I didn't apply myself. I was always the kid with the lowest grades who got an A in the talented kids class. I coasted through school, I did the bare minimum.
I never saw my dad much as a kid. He worked 70 to 80 hours a week in the oil rigs of north dakota, and on his day off he'd usually just be tired. He was where I am getting. Bitter with life, it rubbed off of me. My parents lives sucked. Deep down they loved us though. Mom was always better at that. Dad isn't.
We swung on each other alot. He's punched me about 4 or 5 times in my life, later on I'd start swinging back. I've swung on him a few times. We've talked about it somewhat, we're even now, and he is sorry.
After tessa was born we moved put of north dakota to wyoming. In third grade I turned from one the funny kid to the nerd. I was an outcast. In fifth grade I snapped and got into a ton of fights and throughout the year had about 30 days of in house suspension, and three days of total suspension.
Dad started to change to more human when I was in sixth grade, we lived in iowa at the time. I was still the nerd, now in a school that was 40% white and filled with kids who grew up in areas full of gangs, a good portion of the kids were. I only got in 4 fights the time I spent in middle school for my mom's sake. She liked that I could kick a kid's ass but not that I had to. My whole life I've always had a preoccupation with trying to hide any problems from her. They and helen suffered enough, they didn't need mine too. Throughout my teens, and still a good bit today I never hung out with my friends out of school or work except when it was unavoidable . I really started breaking that when I got to 8th grade. I got contacts, and started wearing t-shirts and soon got into metal. I wasn't rebeling against my parents, I was rebeling against what I hated, myself.
If I wasn't going to be the most popular kid I was going to be remembered. I've always had an intense problem with egotism. I was smarter than alot of people. I had to dumb self down just so the other kids would talk to me. That's true, that's not the part about me being egotistical yet. I started to look down on everyone secretly(now we're on why I'm egotistical) I thought I was meant for something. I had a weird outlook, was vocal, and had a name everyone knew. Eyes have always been on me, I stand out. Not always good. I'm afraid I won't be famous in any repect, the thought terrifies me. However, for as egotistical as I may seem I'm obsessed with changing myself. I'm afraid of myself, afraid of being someone.
I avoided studying for school like the plague. I studied tv, comic books, music. Those were my great works I studied, I wasn't alone in that. Tessa was a genius too. . . at least, that's all we ever hear. I'd deny it these days, mainly because I feel I often get hated for it. I had an instance of that earlier this year. The ones involved cut deep. I hide the one thing I might actually have. I'm not technically a genius either, as far as I know My Iq is at the highest 143, but certainly above 130. . . I want to take a real one to know though. I'm obsessed with getting it over 160, it's my dream. Until college I neglected my physical activities. Childhood fear of a dad too serious. Other kids took sports, I took debate and forensics. I worked on arguing and acting. Persuading, or making people hate me. Those who hate me, I have a power over. I made the craziest most fucked up speachs that usually involved intensive malthusianism and creating a one world government. There was one enemy that demanded my attention, the feminists, i.e. every female debator ever. I became a misogynist because I find feminist logic inherently flawed, and thus denigrating the initial facet of equal rights which I can agree with, but I don't ever see happening, but that's not why I went at them. It was the array of targets, plus my deep fear of women. I was the nerd the girls hated who never changed because he couldn't date until 16 anyway. In my nerdiest years the girls did the worst shit. I punched one in fifth grade, that's the day I understood equal rights, the day I learned it really wasn't like that and got a harsher punishment. Pissed my mom off alot. Women are strange.
I guess I tell you all this, because well it's shit I just need to get over. I need to stop fearing life. I need to actually start mine.
I never lacked a father though. At about two my mom met my dad. He fell for her the first time I called him dad. They had my sister when I was almost 4, my mom still wasn't completely divorced. He was always somewhere in jail, selling weed and acid robbing houses. He was about 20 or so at the time. They got married when I was four, and when I was 7 my dad Rick O'Brien adopted me and my name officially changed, but was already going by it. Helen my sister was three months premature and ran up over 1 million dollars in medical bills by the time she was 3. She's had most of her surgeries since then. I'll spare her details but I just bring it in because all I did was watch my sister suffer while I was growing up. When I was in the 4th grade she developed mastoiditis. I got up so I could help fill her IV's. She had last rights performed on her. I overheard my mom talk about how she was afraid helen would die. I spent my whole childhood prior and later afraid she'd die at any time.
She had her mastoids removed, and her eardrums synthetically replaced two years ago. Since then she's regained alot of stuff she was missing. All the problems affected her learning and emotional development, every day now I see her get smarter and more human. I wasn't the nicest brother.
My sister Tessa was born right after I turned 8. Earlier that year I overheard my parents talk about aborting her. My dad was in school trying to get a better life for us. My mom supported us by working at pizza hut and babysitting. All I saw from my parents was strength, but I also had to watch them grow up. At this time I'd been misdiagnosed for add, due to stuttering (a problem I still have when nervous or tired) and being overly talkative (ask anyone who actually knows me). I excelled in special projects in school but my teachers always told me I didn't apply myself. I was always the kid with the lowest grades who got an A in the talented kids class. I coasted through school, I did the bare minimum.
I never saw my dad much as a kid. He worked 70 to 80 hours a week in the oil rigs of north dakota, and on his day off he'd usually just be tired. He was where I am getting. Bitter with life, it rubbed off of me. My parents lives sucked. Deep down they loved us though. Mom was always better at that. Dad isn't.
We swung on each other alot. He's punched me about 4 or 5 times in my life, later on I'd start swinging back. I've swung on him a few times. We've talked about it somewhat, we're even now, and he is sorry.
After tessa was born we moved put of north dakota to wyoming. In third grade I turned from one the funny kid to the nerd. I was an outcast. In fifth grade I snapped and got into a ton of fights and throughout the year had about 30 days of in house suspension, and three days of total suspension.
Dad started to change to more human when I was in sixth grade, we lived in iowa at the time. I was still the nerd, now in a school that was 40% white and filled with kids who grew up in areas full of gangs, a good portion of the kids were. I only got in 4 fights the time I spent in middle school for my mom's sake. She liked that I could kick a kid's ass but not that I had to. My whole life I've always had a preoccupation with trying to hide any problems from her. They and helen suffered enough, they didn't need mine too. Throughout my teens, and still a good bit today I never hung out with my friends out of school or work except when it was unavoidable . I really started breaking that when I got to 8th grade. I got contacts, and started wearing t-shirts and soon got into metal. I wasn't rebeling against my parents, I was rebeling against what I hated, myself.
If I wasn't going to be the most popular kid I was going to be remembered. I've always had an intense problem with egotism. I was smarter than alot of people. I had to dumb self down just so the other kids would talk to me. That's true, that's not the part about me being egotistical yet. I started to look down on everyone secretly(now we're on why I'm egotistical) I thought I was meant for something. I had a weird outlook, was vocal, and had a name everyone knew. Eyes have always been on me, I stand out. Not always good. I'm afraid I won't be famous in any repect, the thought terrifies me. However, for as egotistical as I may seem I'm obsessed with changing myself. I'm afraid of myself, afraid of being someone.
I avoided studying for school like the plague. I studied tv, comic books, music. Those were my great works I studied, I wasn't alone in that. Tessa was a genius too. . . at least, that's all we ever hear. I'd deny it these days, mainly because I feel I often get hated for it. I had an instance of that earlier this year. The ones involved cut deep. I hide the one thing I might actually have. I'm not technically a genius either, as far as I know My Iq is at the highest 143, but certainly above 130. . . I want to take a real one to know though. I'm obsessed with getting it over 160, it's my dream. Until college I neglected my physical activities. Childhood fear of a dad too serious. Other kids took sports, I took debate and forensics. I worked on arguing and acting. Persuading, or making people hate me. Those who hate me, I have a power over. I made the craziest most fucked up speachs that usually involved intensive malthusianism and creating a one world government. There was one enemy that demanded my attention, the feminists, i.e. every female debator ever. I became a misogynist because I find feminist logic inherently flawed, and thus denigrating the initial facet of equal rights which I can agree with, but I don't ever see happening, but that's not why I went at them. It was the array of targets, plus my deep fear of women. I was the nerd the girls hated who never changed because he couldn't date until 16 anyway. In my nerdiest years the girls did the worst shit. I punched one in fifth grade, that's the day I understood equal rights, the day I learned it really wasn't like that and got a harsher punishment. Pissed my mom off alot. Women are strange.
I guess I tell you all this, because well it's shit I just need to get over. I need to stop fearing life. I need to actually start mine.