(no subject)
Howdy all, I got qualified today...GO ME!! Takes a load off my mind and eventually I'll get to start having free time around the ship. I've been doin' alotta thinking out here, there's not too much else to do so it's all I got. And I know some of you are shaking your heads in disbelief goin', "Kevin....think?" Yah I know, it hurts my head let me tell you. Okay back to bein' serious. We all know that I've got the intelligence and attention span of a 3 year old. I've got a temper that could make WW 3 seem like a sleeping baby. I'm about as attractive as that guy(or girl) you woke up to the next morning after drinking a whole bottle of tequila in some ratty bar. I've got no talents, no occupational skills, and no desire to go back to school to get them. I'm not even doin' that well in the military either. I'm havn' as hard a time if not harder grasping concepts about the machinery here on the ship as I did with Geometry and Trig. I've just been thinking about what's ahead of me ya know? I've got almost 4 years left in the CG, yeah I know things'll get better and eventually I'll grasp these concepts, just in time to move onto a different area or whatever and have to grasp all new concepts. So what choices do I have? I could stay in for life, I could get out and try to find myself a different job relating to what I did, or one that has nothing to do with what I did in the CG. I still wanna do Law Enforcement...and hopefully I'll be able to get a jump on that in the CG. But that leads me to my next topic. A Family...yeah I know scary thought huh? Me settling down and having kids and all that. It's something I'd like to do...but it doesn't seem likely. I haven't met anyone in who knows how long...I honestly can't remember. I think my last relationship was back durn' my Sophmore year of college. So that's a little over 2 years. And I know that doesn't seem like a long time...but it only lasted a month or 2. And in between then and now...I haven't even had a date. I just don't know folks, people on the ship got someone waitn' at home and I got no one. And I know I've said all this in my last post but...I just gotta say it again. It's just hard ya know, they've got someone to call up when they feel alone or stressed or whatever. I've got my gloves and a punching bag waiting in the helo hanger. Some of you I know are goin', "Here comes the old Kevin again." And honestly, I don't know if that's true or not. In the past 2 or 3 weeks, I've heard about 3 different people dying. I only met one of them, and the other 2 are family members of guys in my berthing area. It's not like any of them have a direct tie to me, they all barely have a tie to me. Yet...3 deaths in under a month and one of them was a 4 year old girl. It just makes me sit back and think that I've done nothing with my life, and that I'm going to do nothing. I know I'll never amount to some huge success that makes and impact on the world, but I'd like to know that I made some impact and left something behind. That's where the whole family thing comes in, and it just seems like it won't happen. I think that's what I'm scared of, never finding love. I just feel like it's me against the world, and try as I might I can't even begin to fight back. For everything I've been through, I just can't fight back. And I don't know if I even know how to begin. Some of you I know have noticed a change in my over the years. Some things are good, others might be bad...but it's still a change. I just can't seem to find a balance between where I was, and what I am now. I can't find a way to keep the best of both and lose the things that held me back. The only thing I know is, that when I get to be outside during the day(which isn't often at all) on the water, I feel somewhat free. Maybe it's just time that I accept my fate and come to realize, that I actually don't control what happens in my life, and that it is set out for me. That would make alotta stuff I've done pointless, but maybe I should just give up tryn' to find what I want in life and just accept what I have in front of me. I guess I need to accept that, I can't be "Pippy" , "Bruiser", "Greasy" or "Kevy" anymore, and I just need to resign myself to being Kevin. Working everyday and accepting that as my life. I guess it's just time to let my spirit die and accept what the world expects and sets forward of me. It's time to let go, that's all.