(no subject)
I just spent over an hour writing an entry, and then livejournal went down and I lost the whole thing. And I don't know if I can ever repeat what I typed. but I have to try. to try to make things better.
I just spent the last two hours of my life crying. over you. Which is probably ridiculous. but I did. I don't know why I try so hard to be friends with you. But I do. Because I think that some day you will want to be friends with me to, and you'll see. That I can be a good friend.
lately, things have been crap and you think that I"m avoiding you. But I"m not. at all. Or that I'm making up excuses so I don't have to hang out with you. Which isn't the case at all. Because there is nothing I would rather be doing, than hanging out with you. Whats happened lately... hasn't been by choice. at all.
a few weeks ago, I missed going to that show, because I got grounded. I'm sorry. And monday... I was going to go. I was. I got already, and my friend Jamie was going to go with me. And Katie too. But they said I had to go to church with them, otherwise they weren't going to go with me. I kept up my end of the bargain. I did. I went to church but Katie wanted to go to strike city to see a friend first. It took us over an hour to get there, because Katie wouldn't take the freeway. Once we got there, not but 5 minutes later, Katie decided she didn't wanna go to the show she wanted to go to a movie. And she wasn't gonna change her mind. I told her no way, i was going to that show. There was no way I was gonna go through all that work and then blow my plans just for her. She threw a huge fit in the middle of the bowling alley. She told me she was gonna cry unless I came with her. And cry, she did. But she also left me there. With no ride. So I called my dad. But by the time he came to get me, it was 10:30, and I figured that there was no point in going to the show because I would get there and I would have to turn right around and go home. because it would have been almost 11 by the time I got to the wow. I thought you understood that, but I'm sorry... I was mistaken.
Today... I was supposed to meet you at paradiso with a friend. And I really was going to keep my word. I would have, but it was against my will I wasn't able to show. I woke up this morning with white patches all over my throat. my mom told me to call in sick, but I said no. because I knew if I did, iw ouldn't be able to go to paradiso. So I put on my work clothes and went to work. When I got there, I went and asked the nurse for a mask to wear so I wouldn't get anyone sick. ( its state law to wear a mask.) She gave me one and I went to work. Not but 5 minutes later she came back and asked to look at my throat. She took one look at told me to go home, that she didn't want me there. So my mom came and got me and I went straight to the doctor. Had one of those yucky throat cultures done and got some yucky medicine to take. About 12 I was getting ready to go to paradiso, so that I could stop by LCC on the way and still make it there in time. And my mom asked where I was going. she said no, absolutely not. I begged but it just made things worse and I went to my room crying. I knew what was coming. I did. I tried so hard to get ahold of Christie.. but I had no way. But Helen came to the rescue and said she would deliver the message for me. But I was so worried you wouldn't understand. But she kept trying to reassure me that you would. But I still doubted it. I talked to Christie about an hour later.. and I thought she understood.. but again i was mistaken. You got on and I apologized immensely because I felt horrible. I really wanted to go. You got mad and thought I was lying, that it was just so convenient for me to get sick. I didn't try to get sick. after you signed off, I begged my mom again to just let me go for a little bit so that I could explain to you, but still keep my word. and you would believe me that I was sick. But she yelled at me and said if I asked again I would be grounded, so I again, went to my room crying. You got on and I tried to talk to you again. but you seemed so mad at me that I was scared to say anything more to you. Summer told me to go to bed, but I couldn't possibly since i was crying so much. But finally I listened to her. But all I did in bed was cry, so I tried to call a few friends but no one answered. And I sobbed, and ruined a brand new pillow case from all the eyeliner.
I'm sorry. you have to believe me. This wasn't my choice, if I had it my way, even if I was sick. I would have shown up. Because i always keep my word. Always. But I had no control over this.
I hate this, I hate my life. maybe I'm not meant to have friends. Things like this always blow up in my face and I always lose my friends. Because my parents are so stupid. Though I don't even think you consider me a friend. do you? what was it you said... an acquaintance. Thats right.
I feel like dying. I tried so hard but it just blew up and I knew it would. This bottle of multicolored pills I have is looking pretty good now. No one would even notice or care if I was gone anyways. because I"m like the worst person in the world. I'm dead already, no one even notices I"m here. I don't even think you know I"m a live. Or maybe you just acknowledge my existence to humor me? I should take this and make it go away.
Atleast Ethan loves me... I think...
I don't know.. I don't think anyone loves me. no one even knows i"m alive.
But you have to believe me, I really was going to come, but i couldn't and it wasn't by my choice. You have to understand that.
I don't know why I try so hard though... why I try so hard to be your friend, when you probably don't even want to be my friend at all anyways. I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I wanted to be friends with you. And that you think I tried to make excuses to not be around you. But I'm not like that. At all. If I was lying... do you think I would be crying my eyes out right now? Probably not. But you don't care anyways.
Whatever...whatever.
I just spent the last two hours of my life crying. over you. Which is probably ridiculous. but I did. I don't know why I try so hard to be friends with you. But I do. Because I think that some day you will want to be friends with me to, and you'll see. That I can be a good friend.
lately, things have been crap and you think that I"m avoiding you. But I"m not. at all. Or that I'm making up excuses so I don't have to hang out with you. Which isn't the case at all. Because there is nothing I would rather be doing, than hanging out with you. Whats happened lately... hasn't been by choice. at all.
a few weeks ago, I missed going to that show, because I got grounded. I'm sorry. And monday... I was going to go. I was. I got already, and my friend Jamie was going to go with me. And Katie too. But they said I had to go to church with them, otherwise they weren't going to go with me. I kept up my end of the bargain. I did. I went to church but Katie wanted to go to strike city to see a friend first. It took us over an hour to get there, because Katie wouldn't take the freeway. Once we got there, not but 5 minutes later, Katie decided she didn't wanna go to the show she wanted to go to a movie. And she wasn't gonna change her mind. I told her no way, i was going to that show. There was no way I was gonna go through all that work and then blow my plans just for her. She threw a huge fit in the middle of the bowling alley. She told me she was gonna cry unless I came with her. And cry, she did. But she also left me there. With no ride. So I called my dad. But by the time he came to get me, it was 10:30, and I figured that there was no point in going to the show because I would get there and I would have to turn right around and go home. because it would have been almost 11 by the time I got to the wow. I thought you understood that, but I'm sorry... I was mistaken.
Today... I was supposed to meet you at paradiso with a friend. And I really was going to keep my word. I would have, but it was against my will I wasn't able to show. I woke up this morning with white patches all over my throat. my mom told me to call in sick, but I said no. because I knew if I did, iw ouldn't be able to go to paradiso. So I put on my work clothes and went to work. When I got there, I went and asked the nurse for a mask to wear so I wouldn't get anyone sick. ( its state law to wear a mask.) She gave me one and I went to work. Not but 5 minutes later she came back and asked to look at my throat. She took one look at told me to go home, that she didn't want me there. So my mom came and got me and I went straight to the doctor. Had one of those yucky throat cultures done and got some yucky medicine to take. About 12 I was getting ready to go to paradiso, so that I could stop by LCC on the way and still make it there in time. And my mom asked where I was going. she said no, absolutely not. I begged but it just made things worse and I went to my room crying. I knew what was coming. I did. I tried so hard to get ahold of Christie.. but I had no way. But Helen came to the rescue and said she would deliver the message for me. But I was so worried you wouldn't understand. But she kept trying to reassure me that you would. But I still doubted it. I talked to Christie about an hour later.. and I thought she understood.. but again i was mistaken. You got on and I apologized immensely because I felt horrible. I really wanted to go. You got mad and thought I was lying, that it was just so convenient for me to get sick. I didn't try to get sick. after you signed off, I begged my mom again to just let me go for a little bit so that I could explain to you, but still keep my word. and you would believe me that I was sick. But she yelled at me and said if I asked again I would be grounded, so I again, went to my room crying. You got on and I tried to talk to you again. but you seemed so mad at me that I was scared to say anything more to you. Summer told me to go to bed, but I couldn't possibly since i was crying so much. But finally I listened to her. But all I did in bed was cry, so I tried to call a few friends but no one answered. And I sobbed, and ruined a brand new pillow case from all the eyeliner.
I'm sorry. you have to believe me. This wasn't my choice, if I had it my way, even if I was sick. I would have shown up. Because i always keep my word. Always. But I had no control over this.
I hate this, I hate my life. maybe I'm not meant to have friends. Things like this always blow up in my face and I always lose my friends. Because my parents are so stupid. Though I don't even think you consider me a friend. do you? what was it you said... an acquaintance. Thats right.
I feel like dying. I tried so hard but it just blew up and I knew it would. This bottle of multicolored pills I have is looking pretty good now. No one would even notice or care if I was gone anyways. because I"m like the worst person in the world. I'm dead already, no one even notices I"m here. I don't even think you know I"m a live. Or maybe you just acknowledge my existence to humor me? I should take this and make it go away.
Atleast Ethan loves me... I think...
I don't know.. I don't think anyone loves me. no one even knows i"m alive.
But you have to believe me, I really was going to come, but i couldn't and it wasn't by my choice. You have to understand that.
I don't know why I try so hard though... why I try so hard to be your friend, when you probably don't even want to be my friend at all anyways. I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I wanted to be friends with you. And that you think I tried to make excuses to not be around you. But I'm not like that. At all. If I was lying... do you think I would be crying my eyes out right now? Probably not. But you don't care anyways.
Whatever...whatever.