Star Tours: Or, How R2-D2 and C-3P0 Abandoned the Republic to Work for United Airlines
Let's do a thought experiment. Say you're a little astromech droid. You helped Luke Skywalker destroy the first Death Star at the Battle of Yavin, kept him alive on Dagobah, saved the Rebellion's ass by opening a door on Cloud City, and opened another door after Han grabbed Leia's boob . After all of those accomplishments (not even counting the prequels or books), what do you think you'd do for an encore? Run for office? Become a military consultant? Maybe start your own line of droids and droid accessories? Nope. Disneyland says you'd be wrong. According to the happiest place on Earth, you, my little friend, would work for a travel agency!
WTF?!?!?!?
You'd think everyone's favorite astro-droid could find a little something better to do with his time than help shuttle unfortunate passengers to Endor and back. I mean, we all know Luke's T-65 X-Wing has a bad stabilizer that Artoo must constantly lock down. Let's be honest, after working for the Air Force would you really be satisfied repairing kids' remote control airplanes for a living? Cause I'm pretty sure that's the exact equivalent.
I mean, Artoo saved Luke's ass 234,628 times. (Trust me, I've been keeping count) You don't think he could get a better job than navigator on a crappy civilian transport? And how is he second in command to that bucket of bolts RX-24? I man he's a hero of the rebellion! Show him some god damned respect! Mon Mothma should be on her knees blowing his data jack, if you get my drift. First he gets shafted at the Yavin medal ceremony, now this! How much indignity should one droid have to take? He rose from obscurity as one of 17 droids on some random Queen's ship on Naboo, only to grow up and save the galaxy a couple of dozen times.
Now we must ask ourselves, why would they do this to Artoo? Let's consider some scenarios...
Scenario 1: R2-D2 is in love...
Wicket was an Ewok. Artoo a droid. This forbidden love would never be accepted in the more civilized sections of the galaxy. They could move to Tatooine and be left alone, but its far too warm and non-tree covered for the likes of Wicket. How else could they continue their forbidden love? Especially after Artoo got Wicket pregnant after the Death Star II's destruction celebration? Artoo, like so many young men before him, had to get a shitty, minimum wage job to support his ever growing Ewok-Droid family. (insert image of Ewok-droid hybrid babies).
Scenario 2: He's getting too old for this shit
One thing you have to realize that Artoo is older than dirt. Artoo was saving ships before the hyperdrive was invented. In the immortal words of Sgt. Hulka; Artoo’s “getting too old for this shit.” (Yes, Sgt. Hulka from Stripes, not Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon.) Maybe he just wanted a nice place to retire and work out the rest of his days doing what he was programmed to do. Navigate. After all, plotting a jump through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops. Amirite?
Scenario 3: Spy Hard
Makes sense that Artoo could join Star Tours to travel the galaxy freely. He doesn't need an entourage, and who would suspect that nice little astro-droid piloting the passenger freighter to really be THE R2-D2? To me,. this option makes the most sense. Why he's on the Endor route, who knows.
Scenario 4: He just loves 3P0 that much
Think back to when you were younger (or you will be older). You’re just graduating from high school and going off to college. You get to the dorms and make a new friend. You are as close as can be throughout college. You become (questionably) hetero-life partners. This is the story of R2-D2 and C-3P0. Artoo left Naboo, Threepio left Tatooine and they have stuck together ever since. Who knows why they joined, but maybe they just wanted to make sure they could stay together. I think they felt a little separation anxiety when they were apart after the battle of Hoth. Maybe, once gay-droid marriage is legal outside of Alderaan they can make it official like Alan Shore and Denny Crane did in the finale of Boston Legal.
Scenario 5: The Rebellion Hates Droids
As Kevin Smith says, let me paint you a word picture. You're the Rebellion. This little droid just saved your ass... again. He captured and analyzed the Death Star plans which would have taken your best techs months to do. You suddenly realize... SITHSPAWN! this little droid is ten times smarter than our smartest guys. He's going to take over the galaxy as soon as he realizes we suck. What do we do? We can't kill him, we might need him! Suddenly, Lt. Johnson stands up and suggests sending him off to Star Tours. give him a vacation. That way, he'll be around if he's needed. Which leads to the greatest scene in film history... No, you don't get to read it now. Give me a few weeks.
Tune in next week for part 2, where we discuss C-3P0's reasons for joining the Star Tours public relations crew.