thoughts

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ok so like he hasn't called me back in a week.wtf is up there?hell i dunno.i was talking to jason last night and he was telling me how sad i sounded.that i needed to get all the BUllSHIT off my chest or i would bottle it in and hurt longer.knowing this...i called wen...the really nice lady on the other end of the phone(i assume is his mom)told me he would call me back.i was just like yea sure he will.fuck that.so instead of crying.....yes i will admit i went back to dealing with it like in the good old days.so ask me do i feel better.if pissed off that i did it is feeling better.looks like i'm getting somewhere.ok for instance the other day my stepdad was talking to me about his girlfriends in high school.then he brought up a gurl in particular who he said was a dumb ass...she did yes the same thing i did.over her boyfriend.again i'm guilty.i listened to how proud he was because a gurl loved him enough to cut herself because he had ignored her.then when he found out he continued to date her because he felt sorry for her.he said he was scared she would commit suicide over him because he didn't love her.then in my mind i was thinking how dumb someone would be to cut themselves over an ass like him.then i remembered oh yes i'm guilty.so then today i analyzed this relationship.this unhealthy relationship.i came to the conclusion that it's time to give him an ultimatum.we need to have a serious conversation to determine where we both stand with each other.then i come to figure out...people cut for many different reasons.to scar themselves for life reminding them to never again make the same mistake,then to numb.so the current feelings can be released through an action.for some of us it's cutting,others hobbies,sports,and of course music.maybe i need to figure out a new way to deal with this anger and pain without cutting,writing poetry,or music.because here lately regardless of how i choose to deal with it.i'm still wanting so badly to bottle it in like i've been doing.i need to release it in a positive action.so many things i could turn to.there's only one place i want to run to.but is the door closed?...i dunno.i just want to know what we are and i want to be on the same page.i love him so much,so so much..every time i even say it i feel like i'm lying.i just have this feeling like i shouldn't love him.because my guy feeling is telling me hayleigh you're about to be broken.<3
bLaCk Is A cOlOr