you crushed me
I want so much to just be loved. I want so bad to make everyone around me happy. I want people to crave to be around me... but I can't help but feel so out of place everywhere I go. I mean a part of me feels like I fit in a little bit here and there, but I worry so fucking much about making everyone happy that I don't feel like I fully fit in anywhere.
I would do anything for someone I love. and I just don't feel like I will find that in return. and I honest to God feel like no one cares. its so easy to judge me... to tell me what you think I should do... why can't someone just listen and hug me and tell me that no matter what happens they will still love me and they just want me to be happy? why can't I just be happy? why do I feel like something is always, ALWAYS missing?
I feel so god damn alone its heart breaking... I feel like I just want to sit in a hammock on a deserted island and not think or feel anything...just become a part of the scenery. but then another part of me wants to be in the middle of a room of thousands of people and have everyone look at me and honestly like me.
I have really never felt so crappy in my life, than I did this past weekend. Paul treated me like shit. honestly, he probabaly likes me, but I think he is embarassed because I am fat. and I honestly do not blame him, I hate myself more than most people probably do... well hopefully anyway...and I sometimes feel like I deserve to be treated in a certain way.
I'm not even half of the person I thought I was. I'm not even a shred of the person I want to be, because I still want you to call me. I want you to like me, because I don't want to be fucking alone anymore...
I'm just so fucking pathetic. I feel like I am crying out for help, but everyone just glances past as they go on to enjoy their fun. I feel like an outsider with my own friends...I'm no one's best friend. no one.
I'm alone in so many ways that it makes me want to just move away and start over, but I know that wont help anything by running away.
I hate me. ugh.
I would do anything for someone I love. and I just don't feel like I will find that in return. and I honest to God feel like no one cares. its so easy to judge me... to tell me what you think I should do... why can't someone just listen and hug me and tell me that no matter what happens they will still love me and they just want me to be happy? why can't I just be happy? why do I feel like something is always, ALWAYS missing?
I feel so god damn alone its heart breaking... I feel like I just want to sit in a hammock on a deserted island and not think or feel anything...just become a part of the scenery. but then another part of me wants to be in the middle of a room of thousands of people and have everyone look at me and honestly like me.
I have really never felt so crappy in my life, than I did this past weekend. Paul treated me like shit. honestly, he probabaly likes me, but I think he is embarassed because I am fat. and I honestly do not blame him, I hate myself more than most people probably do... well hopefully anyway...and I sometimes feel like I deserve to be treated in a certain way.
I'm not even half of the person I thought I was. I'm not even a shred of the person I want to be, because I still want you to call me. I want you to like me, because I don't want to be fucking alone anymore...
I'm just so fucking pathetic. I feel like I am crying out for help, but everyone just glances past as they go on to enjoy their fun. I feel like an outsider with my own friends...I'm no one's best friend. no one.
I'm alone in so many ways that it makes me want to just move away and start over, but I know that wont help anything by running away.
I hate me. ugh.