hmm...
Hola all...I'm updating again which is weird huh? I guess I'm getting back into the LJ flow of things
anyways.. so I went out last night with cyn, ruby, brittney, jeremy and his sister nicole (those are all people cyn works with).. we went to floyds where cyn also works with some guy that gets us on the list so we get banded, we spent most of the time in the irish pub though playing darts (my new fave game) lol...I was prettttty drunk last night, I had my first tequila shot last night... it wasnt as bad as I was expecting, granted I had a lemonade chaser lol, but it wasnt too bad... soo I had like 3 or 4 of those before going out and having 2 frozen drink thingys, a beer, and 2 amaretto sours... so I was feelin' pretty buzzed, it had been soo long since I had been buzzed/tipsy...and I had a pretty good time (my body rebelled this morning though giving me the worst headache ever ugh lol)...but you will never guess what I did last night... it was something I havent done since like 2004 haha...I made out with a random guy...one minute I was talking to some guy at the bar waiting for the bartender to come get my drink order..the next minute we are making out...I thought to myself "how did this happen?"....then I thought to myself "ew.. stop.. this guys is an awful kisser" haha...so needless to say i bolted and I felt bad because I think I hurt the guy's feelings, but oh well he'll bounce back ha...
so this occurance made me think a few things... first of all it was funny to just be laid back and not really care about being uptight and just have fun, it was something to laugh about and to be completely honest it made me feel a little bit desirable again, which was a nice feeling...then it made me think about what Sam and Kelly told me a while back about certain frats making bets on who can hook up with the fattest girl and I got a little paranoid that that might have been what was going on... but needless to say his perserverence on wanting to hang out with me made me realize that was not what was going on....then it made me realize just how crazy insecure I really am, and that that is the reason I am alone really.. I waste so much energy thinking everyone is thinking these horrible things about me that I put up all these walls to try to not get hurt, and in effect I only succeed in shutting myself off. I mean not like this guy was any kind of relationship material or anything like that, It was just the first guy that had ever flat out hit on me in tallahassee...and I think it was just a little way of telling me that I need to lighten up.. yes I want to do something about the weight, but medically I need help with that, and that will come in july... but its time I stop feeling so sorry for myself and actually find my way back to being ME...
For so long now I have bottled myself up and not allowed my true personality to shine because I've been afraid that people wont look past my physical inadequacies..and in effect I havent let anyone see anything beyond just that...so from now on I am going to make an effort to try and stop focusing on what I think people are going to think... and just not care....if people like me I want it to be for my personality... and if they dont like me.. I want that to be because of my personality too...
I just want to be fun again... I feel like I used to be fun... and I feel like I have lost a lot of that charm or spark that was who I defined myself by...and basically I just want to work on getting that back again. I think I need a lot of revamping in my life right now... I need to focus on getting active, eating healthy, saving money, getting involved in resume building activites not to mention taking school more serious...and just cleaning up my lifestyle... I think I can accomplish a lot of that this summer... I have my doctor's appointment in july to find out for sure what course of action to take with my PSOS, and I am also moving into a new place where I can feel at harmony in my living space once and forall... I dont have to feel the daily stress of living "with the enemy" so to speak...so needless to say I think I can accomplish some positive lifestyle changes if I put my mind to it
as for the whole romantic side of my life, that will just have to take shape whenever, I dont really have that much control over it. I guess all I can know is that I am ready for something real, and something worthwhile and meaningful...and that will take time to find anyways, and as cliche as it sounds I'm sure it wont pop up until I'm not expecting it to...:::sigh:::...
on an entirely unrelated note I had the strangest dream last night...it was basically me in a constant state of trying to reach something I could never seem to reach... whether it be a place or an object I just couldnt reach anything I felt like I needed to...it was such a frustrating dream...then des called me to tell me she had a dream that I was really really mad at her and even when she woke up she felt like I was still angry with her, she said she couldnt shake the feeling...dreams are so weird like that, how you can sometime wake up thinking the dream you just had was so real...and it makes me wonder what dreams really mean ya know? not those bogus dream dictionaries that say if you dream of trees then it has to do with money or something like that... but if there is even a real meaning to the dreams we have...I'm sure there is, I guess I;m just not sure we will ever truly know...oh well just a random thought for the day
so on another unrelated note... I need to make 160 dollars by wednesday so I can pay rent... and with the shifts I have, I'm not entirely sure that is going to be happening... my mom thinks I should take some time off from alehouse and come home and work at north turn... and I really dont want to have to do that... but I'm thinking I may have to...I'm not getting the hours I need.. and the hours I am getting arent good shifts...ugh...I hate money
I wish I had a million dollars so that everything I did in my life could revolve around what would make me and the people in mylife happy rather than revolving around worring about how I am going to live and eat day to day...
ok whatever I'm done complaing.... this was a completely random and pointless entry ha...if you read the whole think pat yourself on the back and I apologize for the 10 minutes of your life you will never get back haha...
anyways.. so I went out last night with cyn, ruby, brittney, jeremy and his sister nicole (those are all people cyn works with).. we went to floyds where cyn also works with some guy that gets us on the list so we get banded, we spent most of the time in the irish pub though playing darts (my new fave game) lol...I was prettttty drunk last night, I had my first tequila shot last night... it wasnt as bad as I was expecting, granted I had a lemonade chaser lol, but it wasnt too bad... soo I had like 3 or 4 of those before going out and having 2 frozen drink thingys, a beer, and 2 amaretto sours... so I was feelin' pretty buzzed, it had been soo long since I had been buzzed/tipsy...and I had a pretty good time (my body rebelled this morning though giving me the worst headache ever ugh lol)...but you will never guess what I did last night... it was something I havent done since like 2004 haha...I made out with a random guy...one minute I was talking to some guy at the bar waiting for the bartender to come get my drink order..the next minute we are making out...I thought to myself "how did this happen?"....then I thought to myself "ew.. stop.. this guys is an awful kisser" haha...so needless to say i bolted and I felt bad because I think I hurt the guy's feelings, but oh well he'll bounce back ha...
so this occurance made me think a few things... first of all it was funny to just be laid back and not really care about being uptight and just have fun, it was something to laugh about and to be completely honest it made me feel a little bit desirable again, which was a nice feeling...then it made me think about what Sam and Kelly told me a while back about certain frats making bets on who can hook up with the fattest girl and I got a little paranoid that that might have been what was going on... but needless to say his perserverence on wanting to hang out with me made me realize that was not what was going on....then it made me realize just how crazy insecure I really am, and that that is the reason I am alone really.. I waste so much energy thinking everyone is thinking these horrible things about me that I put up all these walls to try to not get hurt, and in effect I only succeed in shutting myself off. I mean not like this guy was any kind of relationship material or anything like that, It was just the first guy that had ever flat out hit on me in tallahassee...and I think it was just a little way of telling me that I need to lighten up.. yes I want to do something about the weight, but medically I need help with that, and that will come in july... but its time I stop feeling so sorry for myself and actually find my way back to being ME...
For so long now I have bottled myself up and not allowed my true personality to shine because I've been afraid that people wont look past my physical inadequacies..and in effect I havent let anyone see anything beyond just that...so from now on I am going to make an effort to try and stop focusing on what I think people are going to think... and just not care....if people like me I want it to be for my personality... and if they dont like me.. I want that to be because of my personality too...
I just want to be fun again... I feel like I used to be fun... and I feel like I have lost a lot of that charm or spark that was who I defined myself by...and basically I just want to work on getting that back again. I think I need a lot of revamping in my life right now... I need to focus on getting active, eating healthy, saving money, getting involved in resume building activites not to mention taking school more serious...and just cleaning up my lifestyle... I think I can accomplish a lot of that this summer... I have my doctor's appointment in july to find out for sure what course of action to take with my PSOS, and I am also moving into a new place where I can feel at harmony in my living space once and forall... I dont have to feel the daily stress of living "with the enemy" so to speak...so needless to say I think I can accomplish some positive lifestyle changes if I put my mind to it
as for the whole romantic side of my life, that will just have to take shape whenever, I dont really have that much control over it. I guess all I can know is that I am ready for something real, and something worthwhile and meaningful...and that will take time to find anyways, and as cliche as it sounds I'm sure it wont pop up until I'm not expecting it to...:::sigh:::...
on an entirely unrelated note I had the strangest dream last night...it was basically me in a constant state of trying to reach something I could never seem to reach... whether it be a place or an object I just couldnt reach anything I felt like I needed to...it was such a frustrating dream...then des called me to tell me she had a dream that I was really really mad at her and even when she woke up she felt like I was still angry with her, she said she couldnt shake the feeling...dreams are so weird like that, how you can sometime wake up thinking the dream you just had was so real...and it makes me wonder what dreams really mean ya know? not those bogus dream dictionaries that say if you dream of trees then it has to do with money or something like that... but if there is even a real meaning to the dreams we have...I'm sure there is, I guess I;m just not sure we will ever truly know...oh well just a random thought for the day
so on another unrelated note... I need to make 160 dollars by wednesday so I can pay rent... and with the shifts I have, I'm not entirely sure that is going to be happening... my mom thinks I should take some time off from alehouse and come home and work at north turn... and I really dont want to have to do that... but I'm thinking I may have to...I'm not getting the hours I need.. and the hours I am getting arent good shifts...ugh...I hate money
I wish I had a million dollars so that everything I did in my life could revolve around what would make me and the people in mylife happy rather than revolving around worring about how I am going to live and eat day to day...
ok whatever I'm done complaing.... this was a completely random and pointless entry ha...if you read the whole think pat yourself on the back and I apologize for the 10 minutes of your life you will never get back haha...