Fic: ESRfDmTWSP:oDyslaNABMLAm!

[brown_betty]

Title:Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Ward Sidekick Partner: or Dude you sound like a NAMBLA member
Warning: You read the title, right? Crack.
Author's Notes: Produced as incentive for Zee to finish her project of awesome. (Zee?) Betaed by chevauchee
Conceived of as fitting into the alt country series, but can certainly be read on its own without spoiling.

Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Ward Sidekick Partner:
or
Dude you sound like a NAMBLA member.

1. Don't.


2. As I see that Robin has chosen not to follow my council on this matter, please bear in mind, I have a supply of Kryptonite.


3. Your history suggests you are plague-prone. Should any of your diseases communicate themselves to Robin, you will be mailed to the Female Furies in pieces.


4. As part of my campaign to convince myself no sexual contact has or will take place you will:


1. never touch Robin anywhere covered by his uniform while in my presence, or any area covered by my surveillance.


2. never touch Robin anywhere not covered by his uniform while in my presence, or any area covered by my surveillance.


3. never again refer to Robin as "my baby," "who's the sexiest little freakboy," or "the Robinator."


5. Robin is needed in Gotham. Any time you wish to spend with him outside of Gotham needs to be cleared with the Justice League.


1. I am in charge of the Justice League's scheduling


6. I am aware you consider yourself a "ladies man." Stop.


1. In fact, please imagine yourself as wholly dedicated to Robin's happiness.


2. And stop doing that with your eyebrow, it's perverse and lewd.


7. It is incumbent on you to remember Robin's birthday and other significant dates. You may, if you wish, tattoo these on yourself. Conversely, if Robin comes home with any marks whatsoever, I am perfecting a Kryptonite ink with which I would be happy to duplicate those marks on your body.


8. I have no desire to ever be in a position where I am required to act as emotional ballast to Robin. Should I be forced to, you will regret it.

ETA:


ficbyzee ....tell me more about Kon and Tim?
brown_betty Kon always wants them to share an ice cream cone, but Tim thinks it's too gross.
brown_betty "Dude, we swap spit!"
brown_betty "Don't make me think about it!"
ficbyzee DAWWW.
ficbyzee and that's when Kon gives him a big messy tongue kiss.
ficbyzee and Tim makes an 'ew, yuck' face.
brown_betty heee! Yep!
ficbyzee
Tim: "Mmph-- now I have ice cream on my chin."
Kon: "Yeah. Ice cream that was in my *mouth.*"
Tim: "That's disgusting."
Kon: *lick*
brown_betty
"It's amazing that you ever had sex. --I mean. Oh shit. Uh. Aeiii! Fuck! Where'd you get that ice!"
ficbyzee *ee hee hee* ice down the neck?
brown_betty I think so!
brown_betty Possibly down the pants.
ficbyzee glee!
ficbyzee
Tim: "Excuse me for not making it a practice to swap bodily fluids in public."
Kon: "Spit isn't a bodily fluid! It's not, like, come!"
Tim: "Could you have possibly shouted that any louder? The little old Asian lady on the corner didn't hear you."
brown_betty aaaaahaaahaaa!
ficbyzee "I'm pretty sure Batman did, though. Thank you."
brown_betty SO DID
ficbyzee
Kon: "Uh. Not that I would... know. Because I've never had sex with you, or--or touched you in an untoward fashion."
brown_betty *cries with laughter*
ficbyzee
Tim: "Okay, now he *knows* you're lying. 'Untoward'?"
Kon: "Shut up! I'm a gentleman! --I mean... don't shut up, because I respect your opinions and would never try to stifle you in any way."
Tim: "Dear god. What did he *say* to you?"

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