(no subject)
So...I did good today....Jason got online and wasnt away and I didnt instant message him...it was hard...and you know what really pissed me off is that this whole thing is really difficult for me i mean i seriously have NOONE to talk to about it because no one can come close to being able to relate to me and my aperents are just so thrilled that their support is more of well there are more fish in the sea, but i tell brandie the only person here that i wish could try to be support and she gave me the most "whatever" look ever...i mean i am trying to erase the one person that i have lived for for the past four years.. i am trying to erase him out of my memory and there is no help....so bad i have wanted to write an email asking when is this little breakup going to be over...so many times i want to just find a way to drive up to VA and say it is ok i am here now...but he said it wouldnt be worth it anymore...he said he doesnt love me anymore...well i have to go put my clothes in the dryer so i will be right back....boy i got lucky..all the dryers were open....i used to be there person that people looked at and said man she is really happy, or man i wish i could love somebody like the way she does him...no longer...now i have become "the party pooper"...the loner...who is best friends with her room...sometimes when id ated jason i did feel like he held me back from some things but i loved it like that...oi loved having a reason for not drinking and a reason for not partying and i loved being in a relationship..i loved not having to worry about what a guy is thinking about when he looks at me becausse it didnt matter...sometimes i sit here and think which i do alot of nowadays and wonder if he is going through the same thing as me...is it as hard for him...why would he do this to us...he says he cant trust me..but i have been nothing but faithful...i wish sometimes he read these and saw how unhappy i am and say i want you back baby i dont know what i was thinking and i wish that that wasnt so because i need to just get rid of every thought of him but i cant because he was my everythought and my every feeling...i come up with these pretend situations where he comes knocking on my door and says "maintenance" so i open it and surprise...but it wont happen and i just need to stop thinking like that but i cant... i just want to stop thinking about him...it is so hard to go from thinking about him every second and knowing he is thinking about me too and then wondering if he is thinking about me too....well i am off to bed....hopefully no dreams tonight...