(no subject)

Jun 05, 2008 00:47


 marcus wants to take me to calgary. we're on a weird note because ive been telling him more about my past, my friends, and a lot of it he doesnt understand. why i would choose to be around certain people that were doing things i was trying not to do. and i like explained its part of this mentality where u secret ly want to get into trouble.
I am still truely disturbed by how much people have changed. I was talking to frank visa vi facebook and its like, apparently my past is still around. people tell him to stay away that im messed up. and its like, hells ya i am. it would be abnormal not to be after the life ive had. i think about it though, and its like, do i torture animals? do I cheat on my boyfriend with random men in cuba or various friend's boyfriends and fuck guys for drugs? Ive done none of theabove and i know people who have.  I know people who sleep around to make themselves feel good. I know people who talk to themselves and hear someone screaming and breaking them down every time they look in the mirror. I think about our scary table in high school and how individually insane and special each of us are. it breaks my heart sometimes to see what some people have done to themselves just like I had done to myself in the past. 
the people here are definately a change from what im used to. theres like weird gossip that i dont participate in but i can see others getting really sucked into these stupid little fights. stef tried one with me about matt and the whole cocain dealyo but like, meh. I had enough stupid drama in winnipeg and i just dont want to be involved. Its like, Im the only one here other than jacky and connar that would prefer to frolic in the sun and wander to the beach to smoke a joint than get into a silly gossip sesion. dont get me wrong, i loooove the people in the house. there are reasons behind the gossipiness, due to stef going to an all girls school full of that kind of gossipy girls, as well as jill, who is actually incredibly down to earth now that ive really gotten to know her. and justine i dont think really participates. i think im generalizing about the gossip, its just like, a vibe ive never felt before. im so care free i dont think about anything i say and how it can be taken. but apparently others do? Ive never disected my conversations before and i think im too lazy to start now.

still.... its different. thats growing up though, i think in the fall im going to find a house of boys because i really get along better with boys than girls i have discovered. im more comfortable with guys that girls oddly enough

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