Well, that's an evening effectively ruined
Don't you just hate it when a petty dispute with a stranger, or someone you don't know that well, which will not really affect your life or future, nonetheless leaves you with an unpleasant feeling in your stomach that you just have to wait out?
I'm beginning to think Guardian Soulmates is more trouble than it was worth. I met this guy about, what, a week ago I think? We got on OK but didn't have much in common, there was no chemistry, it was clear it wasn't going anywhere but there was goodwill on both sides and we agreed to keep up on Facebook.
He sent me a friends request that stated "They dated, just once and then they broke up, but now they get on fine." I wasn't completely comfortable with this -- how can you say you "broke up" with someone when you were never in a relationship? And I've also made a fairly conscious decision not to include any information of this sort about any of my past boyfriends, guys I've dated, or guys I've hooked up with, of whom there are a few on my Facebook friends list. But I accepted, not wanting to make a fuss.
A few days ago, I decided this was a mistake and that I wanted to change it. However, I thought it would be polite just to alert him beforehand that this was what I was going to do.
So, I sent him a message. And it all blew up in my face. Behold (me in italics):
Hey [his name],
I'm thinking I want to change what you put for friends' details. It's got you down under "Relationships" on my social timeline! I think given facebook doesn't seem to have an exact category for "went on one date and decided to be friends" it would probably be better to either leave it blank or change it to "met randomly."
Just a heads up, thought you might think it was odd/rude if I did it without saying anything.
Bron
5:22pm August 21st
I don't see what's wrong with me coming up as relationships? It was a very short relationship, but a relationship nonetheless.
6:40pm August 21st
I would tend to differentiate between "relationship" and "date"!
12:36am August 22nd
Sure, but it's not like it says we went out for any length of time. We didn't meet randomly, we went on a date!
9:30am August 22nd
I know, but we didn't have a "relationship" either! I go on those dates assuming that if everything works out well, I'll make a friend. Anything more than that is icing.
Besides, I haven't really randomly met any of the people I put as "met randomly." I met them on livejournal, or through messageboards, or through some other category of event that doesn't happen to be included in facebook's line-up. I'd say meeting off Guardian Soulmates qualifies as that sort of thing. If anything, "Met randomly: Through Guardian Soulmates, went on one date" would be the *most* accurate thing to put, and I wouldn't be opposed to that.
(Of course, if we want to get really picky, friendships are platonic relationships.)
1:46pm August 22nd
Well it's Facebook's choice to class a single date as a relationship, not mine. Publicly, nobody will see me listed as your boyfriend or whatever, so not sure what the problem is.
2:07pm August 22nd
The problem is that I'm not comfortable with it. You seem a decent guy so far, so I'm sure that respecting that should be enough to make you OK with my changing it.
3:53pm August 22nd
I can't respect something I don't understand!
4:08pm August 22nd
Well, put it this way.
Of people on facebook who I have listed as friends I have dated two long-term (what I would call a relationship), dated one casually, and hooked up (fairly innocently) with two.
If you go look at my social timeline, however, you'll notice I have no relationships listed at all. Or if you look at my friends list, that there's no way of telling which one's I've been involved with.
So I guess what it comes down to is I'm not comfortable sharing my dating history with all the people who have access to my facebook profile. I thought I'd be OK with it when I first got your friends detail request, but it turns out I'm not.
Just because you don't feel the same way and are more comfortable being open about this sort of thing doesn't make my feelings any less valid!
5:45pm August 22nd
Does anybody actually look at anyone else's social timeline though?! I would say it's more likely that people will just look at your friend list where it lists exactly how you know someone (so for us says that we dated once).
So if you're not comfortable with sharing how you know people with other people, why not change that in your privacy settings?
Today at 12:06am
I wasn't thinking they'd look at the social timeline but at the friends list. I have no problem with people seeing a complete list of my friends and where and when I met them. But whether I dated them... no, I'd rather leave that out. So changing the privacy settings to make it invisible would be too extreme.
Speaking of, I've had a look at your list and it seems evenly split on the dating score between descriptions like the one you put for me, and "Met randomly: dating website," so it seems obvious to me that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Today at 7:47am
But you said you'd be happy with "Met randomly: Through Guardian Soulmates, went on one date" - which contradicts "I have no problem with people seeing a complete list of my friends and where and when I met them. But whether I dated them... no, I'd rather leave that out".
?!?!
The ones where I've put "Met randomly: dating website", are where I've never actually met the person in the flesh - i.e. never actually went on a date. Obviously *we* did though.
Today at 9:05am
OK, I think we're at stalemate here!
You're right, I did say I'd be OK with "went on one date" in that context and to be honest that was probably just me trying to compromise a bit too much. Just like I was trying to compromise too much by accepting what you originally put.
However, I would say that for me, "met online: through a dating website" is quite similar to "met online: livejournal" or "met online: messageboard," and some of those people I've met in person and some I haven't.
However, to have a dating information for someone I went on one date with to *see* if I wanted to date them more, when I don't have dating or relationship details for people I was with for months or years, that just doesn't make sense! And sure you can say, so, OK, put that you dated them, but that involves me contacting them, now, years after the fact, and requesting a confirmation that they dated me once, which I'm definitely not comfortable doing. That's the way to make people think you're not over them.
So, just for the sake of consistency, if nothing else, this is how I want it. If we can't come to an agreement on what to replace the details with, then I suggest just leaving it, because this discussion is getting ridiculous!
Today at 1:24pm
You're right, it doesn't make sense - so stop hiding things and just be honest about how you know everyone :-p
"That's the way to make people think you're not over them." - no it's not! Maybe women theorise like that, but men don't, and even if they do... so what?!
And yes, I've been fine with leaving it all along.
Today at 1:58pm
Sometimes discretion is better than full disclosure. It's not dishonest simply to omit information.
And some men do think about these things. It's an individual thing, not necessarily gender-related.
Today at 2:37pm
Like I said though, so what?! You can't make someone get back together with you.
Look, do whatever you want. I'm not even sure why we're down as 'friends' on here anyway as we don't have much in common and I doubt we'll ever see each other again.
Today at 3:04pm
Nice.
Today at 5:36pm
You really have a problem with the truth, don't you.
Today at 6:43pm
That's a completely unfounded statement and I really think you're being quite nasty now.
Today at 6:59pm
It's based on your words so far! You have a problem with people knowing information about you, and you have a problem with the reality that it's unlikely we'll ever see each other again.
That's not nasty, it's just the truth, which again, you seem to have a problem grasping.
Today at 7:07pm
I don't have a problem with the fact we won't see each other again and I don't have a problem with you stating it or stating it openly myself.
What I think was unnecessarily unpleasant was you stating that this is grounds to de-friend each other. Especially given that it was your idea to keep up on facebook in the first place! (Not that I'm sayijng it was a bad one. We got on fine, and when I get on fine with someone then I'm perfectly open to keeping up with them, regardless of having masses of things in common or not.)
It is also not "having a problem with truth" to want to be discreet about my past love life and dating history, and not to want to drag these things out into the light again with the persons concerned. I would rather the men concerned (the ones I had relationships with) now think of me as a friend than as their ex-girlfriend. It's just more comfortalbe that way.
Your tone right now, frankly, is nasty, and it is further nasty to accuse me of having problems "grasping the truth." You seem to have a problem grasping the difference between tact and discretion, on the one hand, and deception or dishonesty, on the other.
The ironic thing is that, if anything, in my group of friends and my family, I am generally the tactless one, the one who blurts truths out before she thinks, the one inclined to overshare. But I've learned as I've got older that being *too* open can cause awkward situations and hurt feelings. So yes, as time goes on I keep more things close to my chest. That's my prerogative and I am not going to stand for being attacked for it. I'm not asking you to do the same, or attempting to change the way you feel or act. Why are you so bound and determined that I must behave the way you do, that your way is the only correct one?
Today at 7:33pm
I really don't care anymore, Bronwen. Am tired of explaining the same thing again and again, and tired of your over-reaction to simple statements of truth.
We got on fine when we met, but that was that and the fact our only contact since then shows how we're not really interested in each other in any way. It was a bad idea to be Facebook friends. Please leave me alone now.
Today at 7:36pm
I am sorry you feel that way. I tried to request this as politely as possible. It turned into a debate and I never intended that.
I wish you well, but you're probably right that there is no way to rectify the situation now. It is unfortunate. I certainly bear you no ill-will.
Yes, my typos towards the end indicate increasing agitation! Over something so silly. Also, somewhat, the fact that my nails are getting a bit longer and I'm not used to it.
I'm beginning to think Guardian Soulmates is more trouble than it was worth. I met this guy about, what, a week ago I think? We got on OK but didn't have much in common, there was no chemistry, it was clear it wasn't going anywhere but there was goodwill on both sides and we agreed to keep up on Facebook.
He sent me a friends request that stated "They dated, just once and then they broke up, but now they get on fine." I wasn't completely comfortable with this -- how can you say you "broke up" with someone when you were never in a relationship? And I've also made a fairly conscious decision not to include any information of this sort about any of my past boyfriends, guys I've dated, or guys I've hooked up with, of whom there are a few on my Facebook friends list. But I accepted, not wanting to make a fuss.
A few days ago, I decided this was a mistake and that I wanted to change it. However, I thought it would be polite just to alert him beforehand that this was what I was going to do.
So, I sent him a message. And it all blew up in my face. Behold (me in italics):
Hey [his name],
I'm thinking I want to change what you put for friends' details. It's got you down under "Relationships" on my social timeline! I think given facebook doesn't seem to have an exact category for "went on one date and decided to be friends" it would probably be better to either leave it blank or change it to "met randomly."
Just a heads up, thought you might think it was odd/rude if I did it without saying anything.
Bron
5:22pm August 21st
I don't see what's wrong with me coming up as relationships? It was a very short relationship, but a relationship nonetheless.
6:40pm August 21st
I would tend to differentiate between "relationship" and "date"!
12:36am August 22nd
Sure, but it's not like it says we went out for any length of time. We didn't meet randomly, we went on a date!
9:30am August 22nd
I know, but we didn't have a "relationship" either! I go on those dates assuming that if everything works out well, I'll make a friend. Anything more than that is icing.
Besides, I haven't really randomly met any of the people I put as "met randomly." I met them on livejournal, or through messageboards, or through some other category of event that doesn't happen to be included in facebook's line-up. I'd say meeting off Guardian Soulmates qualifies as that sort of thing. If anything, "Met randomly: Through Guardian Soulmates, went on one date" would be the *most* accurate thing to put, and I wouldn't be opposed to that.
(Of course, if we want to get really picky, friendships are platonic relationships.)
1:46pm August 22nd
Well it's Facebook's choice to class a single date as a relationship, not mine. Publicly, nobody will see me listed as your boyfriend or whatever, so not sure what the problem is.
2:07pm August 22nd
The problem is that I'm not comfortable with it. You seem a decent guy so far, so I'm sure that respecting that should be enough to make you OK with my changing it.
3:53pm August 22nd
I can't respect something I don't understand!
4:08pm August 22nd
Well, put it this way.
Of people on facebook who I have listed as friends I have dated two long-term (what I would call a relationship), dated one casually, and hooked up (fairly innocently) with two.
If you go look at my social timeline, however, you'll notice I have no relationships listed at all. Or if you look at my friends list, that there's no way of telling which one's I've been involved with.
So I guess what it comes down to is I'm not comfortable sharing my dating history with all the people who have access to my facebook profile. I thought I'd be OK with it when I first got your friends detail request, but it turns out I'm not.
Just because you don't feel the same way and are more comfortable being open about this sort of thing doesn't make my feelings any less valid!
5:45pm August 22nd
Does anybody actually look at anyone else's social timeline though?! I would say it's more likely that people will just look at your friend list where it lists exactly how you know someone (so for us says that we dated once).
So if you're not comfortable with sharing how you know people with other people, why not change that in your privacy settings?
Today at 12:06am
I wasn't thinking they'd look at the social timeline but at the friends list. I have no problem with people seeing a complete list of my friends and where and when I met them. But whether I dated them... no, I'd rather leave that out. So changing the privacy settings to make it invisible would be too extreme.
Speaking of, I've had a look at your list and it seems evenly split on the dating score between descriptions like the one you put for me, and "Met randomly: dating website," so it seems obvious to me that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Today at 7:47am
But you said you'd be happy with "Met randomly: Through Guardian Soulmates, went on one date" - which contradicts "I have no problem with people seeing a complete list of my friends and where and when I met them. But whether I dated them... no, I'd rather leave that out".
?!?!
The ones where I've put "Met randomly: dating website", are where I've never actually met the person in the flesh - i.e. never actually went on a date. Obviously *we* did though.
Today at 9:05am
OK, I think we're at stalemate here!
You're right, I did say I'd be OK with "went on one date" in that context and to be honest that was probably just me trying to compromise a bit too much. Just like I was trying to compromise too much by accepting what you originally put.
However, I would say that for me, "met online: through a dating website" is quite similar to "met online: livejournal" or "met online: messageboard," and some of those people I've met in person and some I haven't.
However, to have a dating information for someone I went on one date with to *see* if I wanted to date them more, when I don't have dating or relationship details for people I was with for months or years, that just doesn't make sense! And sure you can say, so, OK, put that you dated them, but that involves me contacting them, now, years after the fact, and requesting a confirmation that they dated me once, which I'm definitely not comfortable doing. That's the way to make people think you're not over them.
So, just for the sake of consistency, if nothing else, this is how I want it. If we can't come to an agreement on what to replace the details with, then I suggest just leaving it, because this discussion is getting ridiculous!
Today at 1:24pm
You're right, it doesn't make sense - so stop hiding things and just be honest about how you know everyone :-p
"That's the way to make people think you're not over them." - no it's not! Maybe women theorise like that, but men don't, and even if they do... so what?!
And yes, I've been fine with leaving it all along.
Today at 1:58pm
Sometimes discretion is better than full disclosure. It's not dishonest simply to omit information.
And some men do think about these things. It's an individual thing, not necessarily gender-related.
Today at 2:37pm
Like I said though, so what?! You can't make someone get back together with you.
Look, do whatever you want. I'm not even sure why we're down as 'friends' on here anyway as we don't have much in common and I doubt we'll ever see each other again.
Today at 3:04pm
Nice.
Today at 5:36pm
You really have a problem with the truth, don't you.
Today at 6:43pm
That's a completely unfounded statement and I really think you're being quite nasty now.
Today at 6:59pm
It's based on your words so far! You have a problem with people knowing information about you, and you have a problem with the reality that it's unlikely we'll ever see each other again.
That's not nasty, it's just the truth, which again, you seem to have a problem grasping.
Today at 7:07pm
I don't have a problem with the fact we won't see each other again and I don't have a problem with you stating it or stating it openly myself.
What I think was unnecessarily unpleasant was you stating that this is grounds to de-friend each other. Especially given that it was your idea to keep up on facebook in the first place! (Not that I'm sayijng it was a bad one. We got on fine, and when I get on fine with someone then I'm perfectly open to keeping up with them, regardless of having masses of things in common or not.)
It is also not "having a problem with truth" to want to be discreet about my past love life and dating history, and not to want to drag these things out into the light again with the persons concerned. I would rather the men concerned (the ones I had relationships with) now think of me as a friend than as their ex-girlfriend. It's just more comfortalbe that way.
Your tone right now, frankly, is nasty, and it is further nasty to accuse me of having problems "grasping the truth." You seem to have a problem grasping the difference between tact and discretion, on the one hand, and deception or dishonesty, on the other.
The ironic thing is that, if anything, in my group of friends and my family, I am generally the tactless one, the one who blurts truths out before she thinks, the one inclined to overshare. But I've learned as I've got older that being *too* open can cause awkward situations and hurt feelings. So yes, as time goes on I keep more things close to my chest. That's my prerogative and I am not going to stand for being attacked for it. I'm not asking you to do the same, or attempting to change the way you feel or act. Why are you so bound and determined that I must behave the way you do, that your way is the only correct one?
Today at 7:33pm
I really don't care anymore, Bronwen. Am tired of explaining the same thing again and again, and tired of your over-reaction to simple statements of truth.
We got on fine when we met, but that was that and the fact our only contact since then shows how we're not really interested in each other in any way. It was a bad idea to be Facebook friends. Please leave me alone now.
Today at 7:36pm
I am sorry you feel that way. I tried to request this as politely as possible. It turned into a debate and I never intended that.
I wish you well, but you're probably right that there is no way to rectify the situation now. It is unfortunate. I certainly bear you no ill-will.
Yes, my typos towards the end indicate increasing agitation! Over something so silly. Also, somewhat, the fact that my nails are getting a bit longer and I'm not used to it.