Whining
I'm sorry, dear patient friends list, but I'm probably going to whine about this decision on and off until the end of the month when I will, theoretically at least, have made it!
The way I see it today, I have these two great options. And I could come up with an infinite number of very good reasons why either one is a fantastic thing to do and to pick. But today I am really worried about picking one for the wrong reasons. There are bad reasons on both sides.
Law
I could just be picking it because I'm getting older and I'm scared. And I want something that will lead to a career right away. I could be over-playing in my mind how right it is just because I want to jump into something NOW already and do it and get it done.
Counter -- is this really such a bad reason? "Good career options" -- isn't that usually considered sensible, rather than a cop out? And actually, I don't think I'm over-playing how much I would enjoy it. Every time I've been properly exposed to a legal setting since -- since my day's job shadowing a lawyer in Vancouver for Career and Personal Planning in Grade 11, since Law 12 -- I've always enjoyed it and been interested. Why am I letting myself fear that I'll suddenly change my mind and hate it?
There's also, however, a very real possibility that I'd choose this option just so I don't have to go back to the people who write my reference letters and to everyone else in my life and say, "You know how I'd made a decision? Promised this was it? I was going to do law, full stop, the end? Yeah, I've changed my mind again."
Now THAT is definitely a bad reason.
Oxford
This is obvious. I could just be picking it for the snob factor. I could just want that, when I die, I went to Oxford.
The programme's good. The libraries and resources are stellar. I've already met my potential advisor, and she's cool. I know at the end of it I could take my pick of PhD programmes. But what about the career at the end?
It's hard to counter this. The only counter is that the Oxford part is actually only part of what attracts me to it -- the other part is the Turkey and Turkish part. Between the two years of the programme I'd be expected to go back to Turkey and undertake intensive language study. I would be a Turkey specialist -- it would mean Turkey would be in my academic life forever. And yes, I could do this through the MA Turkish studies at SOAS or the PhD in Islamic Studies at McGill, or through one of two or three MAs in Turkish political science at two or three Turkish universities, but if I could do it at Oxford, why not go for that?
My head still hurts. I feel like I've now reverted to where I was a few weeks ago before Alex visited, when I said, "I've made my decision and it's law. I'm not happy with this decision because I am never going to be happy with any decision I make, because any decision involves giving up the other possibilities. But I've made my decision."
The only difference is that now I have a much clearer picture of what I'm giving up because I've allowed myself to think about it more than I wanted to. Now I have the details all set in my mind, and somehow I have to make peace with giving that up. Either way I choose, I have to make peace with the life I decide not to live, and that is the really, really difficult part.
The way I see it today, I have these two great options. And I could come up with an infinite number of very good reasons why either one is a fantastic thing to do and to pick. But today I am really worried about picking one for the wrong reasons. There are bad reasons on both sides.
Law
I could just be picking it because I'm getting older and I'm scared. And I want something that will lead to a career right away. I could be over-playing in my mind how right it is just because I want to jump into something NOW already and do it and get it done.
Counter -- is this really such a bad reason? "Good career options" -- isn't that usually considered sensible, rather than a cop out? And actually, I don't think I'm over-playing how much I would enjoy it. Every time I've been properly exposed to a legal setting since -- since my day's job shadowing a lawyer in Vancouver for Career and Personal Planning in Grade 11, since Law 12 -- I've always enjoyed it and been interested. Why am I letting myself fear that I'll suddenly change my mind and hate it?
There's also, however, a very real possibility that I'd choose this option just so I don't have to go back to the people who write my reference letters and to everyone else in my life and say, "You know how I'd made a decision? Promised this was it? I was going to do law, full stop, the end? Yeah, I've changed my mind again."
Now THAT is definitely a bad reason.
Oxford
This is obvious. I could just be picking it for the snob factor. I could just want that, when I die, I went to Oxford.
The programme's good. The libraries and resources are stellar. I've already met my potential advisor, and she's cool. I know at the end of it I could take my pick of PhD programmes. But what about the career at the end?
It's hard to counter this. The only counter is that the Oxford part is actually only part of what attracts me to it -- the other part is the Turkey and Turkish part. Between the two years of the programme I'd be expected to go back to Turkey and undertake intensive language study. I would be a Turkey specialist -- it would mean Turkey would be in my academic life forever. And yes, I could do this through the MA Turkish studies at SOAS or the PhD in Islamic Studies at McGill, or through one of two or three MAs in Turkish political science at two or three Turkish universities, but if I could do it at Oxford, why not go for that?
My head still hurts. I feel like I've now reverted to where I was a few weeks ago before Alex visited, when I said, "I've made my decision and it's law. I'm not happy with this decision because I am never going to be happy with any decision I make, because any decision involves giving up the other possibilities. But I've made my decision."
The only difference is that now I have a much clearer picture of what I'm giving up because I've allowed myself to think about it more than I wanted to. Now I have the details all set in my mind, and somehow I have to make peace with giving that up. Either way I choose, I have to make peace with the life I decide not to live, and that is the really, really difficult part.