(no subject)
I haven't written in here in a while. Again not because I don't have any interesting things to talk about. I do. I really, really do. I dunno, between just now gettin' internet in my apartment and things bein' genuinely decent I haven't had much to say. I'm a bad LJer I know.
So for the first in my entire 28 year existence I'm a legal tenant. I have an apartment in my name. I have a power bill in my name. I have legal car tags. I have a decent, if not stellar jobbie. I think for the first time in the history of Brandon Robles I'm stable. STABLE.
I've never been stable before. Always at one extreme or the other. Always fighting from the bottom to make to the top. Always had to worry about if I could pay the bills (let alone on time), find decent food to eat, and just make it. And while clearly I haven't made it yet. I'm much, much better than I was. Light-years beyond I dare say.
I could use a girl. Or hell even friends that like to go out and do stuff. I miss human interaction that lack genuineness or is just a person bitchin' at me about something that's not my fault that I have to incessantly apologize for. So that sucks. And my schedule blows. Like Friday I work from 7am-11pm. And then come back and work 11pm-7am. I mean who the shit does that? Nobody that I've ever met. But they leave me be and they like me so it's not the end of the world I suppose.
You know those days where it's sunny and nice, but then it starts raining? And it's not a bad rain really, it's just a mild annoyance. I feel like my life is that sort of day. Things are both good and bad. And yeah maybe I miss the ups and downs and the excitement of anything can happen. And perhaps the misery of thinking nothing ever will is missed a little bit as well. I know I said I was stable earlier. But I'm also stagnant.
I don't know where I wanna go or what I wanna do. I have people that call me and somethings I don't answer and forget to return the call. I have other people that I wanna call or text or really just see and talk to, but it's hard for me to chase things. I'm much more apt to run away something than I am to run towards it ya know? I ALWAYS have an escape route.
A few weeks prior an old friend/flame asked me if love ever turned out the way you hoped it could or did that just happen in stories. And I'll always believe it can. Love's the only thing that bests time. The only product of humanity outside of styrofoam that lasts forever. And sometimes I wonder how many of the connections I make are because there's something there and how many of them just come about because I have a strong sense of empathy and can relate to people. I've just been thinking about it a good bit. One person I haven't talked to and while not wholly abnormal it just seems like that connection is fading away. And maybe it's my fault for not pursuing it (totally the first time that's ever happen right?) or maybe it's just had to play tag when the other person's playin' hide and seek. I dunno, but it makes me sad kind of. I know it'll turn around, 'cause hell all my relationships seem to be seasonal. That wax and wane based on the month of the year it is. Which is weird and that's all in my head probably. But I miss her. I really do. Plus weird thing she sent me a random text at 4:30 in the Am one more sayin' she just met my second cousin. How it came up that I was related to a stranger she met who's actually my third cousin and furthermore how she became privy to that knowledge baffles me. I meant to ask, but forgot and by the time I remembered again it didn't seem all that important.
And then sometimes I wonder what would've happen if I had did something differently in my life. I'm generally not one for regrets, because I like to think that if you should've done something you would've and if you didn't it's your own damn fault for bein' a dumbass or a fuck-up or whatever insult the situation calls for. But every now and again I find myself wondering what if I had kissed the girl millions of moons ago when were we sitting in the car as she was dropping me off after a fun night at the bar. I told her she was so amazing that she made me speechless. And with the benefit of hindsight, it was right there, I don't know why I didn't recognize that while it was happening. I guess that me figured there'd always be more time. Somewhere in some alternate universe I said the exact same thing and added "So I'll show you" and kissed the fuck out of her. And who knows if anything would've changed. Maybe so maybe not. You'll eat yourself alive ponderin' shit like that. But I always wonder, because after that things changed completely between us
Oddly enough she always pops back into my life from time to time. I don't know why. Well I know why. Because we had a good thing that should've been a great thing. But I always try to wrap my head around it because it wasn't like it was all sunshine and fairy tales. It was a good bit of fighting. And crying. But a lot of laughing and talking and just enjoying what we had Lots of passive-aggressive weirdo behavior. And I wish I knew then what I know now about how to handle all that type of shit, I think if Present me went back in time and did what I'd do now the story might've turned out like all the great ones people are always writing about. But it's my fault for never writing it I suppose.
She's been havin' some issues as of late. And has came to me a couple times. Part of me wonders why. Sheer curiosity really.
What does she think I know that she wants to know? Am I just good at listening? Am I something that she's looking for?
If I sit around and break it down it's kind of a strange situation. But I like the arrangement in a way. It makes me feel uplifted in a way that someone in spite of all the time and bullshit and what have you that happens between humans she still seeks me out. In a way it gives me hope. Hope that love can exist between people. And that maybe even if you're physically gone from a person's life, they always at least wonder from time to time where you are and how you've been. Plus I've always just wanted people to want me in their worlds. My world is very strange and I let very few folks in, so it's nice to know that somewhere out there. Somebody misses you. It's comforting. Perhaps that's all it is on the other end? Just another human lookin' for comfort and reassurance that we can have happy endings.
Hard to say. Love and life are both things I could ramble on about vaguely forever and ever. Sore-ree for the disjointed trains of thought and poor sentence structure. I blame Twitter! Curse you 140 character limit! Things are good though. I still have a shit ton of work to do to fix me. I'm still quite broken. But I can do it. If I need a little boost from the past from time to time it's always welcome though.
Night friends. I'm not proof-reading this one so decipher at your own risk.
So for the first in my entire 28 year existence I'm a legal tenant. I have an apartment in my name. I have a power bill in my name. I have legal car tags. I have a decent, if not stellar jobbie. I think for the first time in the history of Brandon Robles I'm stable. STABLE.
I've never been stable before. Always at one extreme or the other. Always fighting from the bottom to make to the top. Always had to worry about if I could pay the bills (let alone on time), find decent food to eat, and just make it. And while clearly I haven't made it yet. I'm much, much better than I was. Light-years beyond I dare say.
I could use a girl. Or hell even friends that like to go out and do stuff. I miss human interaction that lack genuineness or is just a person bitchin' at me about something that's not my fault that I have to incessantly apologize for. So that sucks. And my schedule blows. Like Friday I work from 7am-11pm. And then come back and work 11pm-7am. I mean who the shit does that? Nobody that I've ever met. But they leave me be and they like me so it's not the end of the world I suppose.
You know those days where it's sunny and nice, but then it starts raining? And it's not a bad rain really, it's just a mild annoyance. I feel like my life is that sort of day. Things are both good and bad. And yeah maybe I miss the ups and downs and the excitement of anything can happen. And perhaps the misery of thinking nothing ever will is missed a little bit as well. I know I said I was stable earlier. But I'm also stagnant.
I don't know where I wanna go or what I wanna do. I have people that call me and somethings I don't answer and forget to return the call. I have other people that I wanna call or text or really just see and talk to, but it's hard for me to chase things. I'm much more apt to run away something than I am to run towards it ya know? I ALWAYS have an escape route.
A few weeks prior an old friend/flame asked me if love ever turned out the way you hoped it could or did that just happen in stories. And I'll always believe it can. Love's the only thing that bests time. The only product of humanity outside of styrofoam that lasts forever. And sometimes I wonder how many of the connections I make are because there's something there and how many of them just come about because I have a strong sense of empathy and can relate to people. I've just been thinking about it a good bit. One person I haven't talked to and while not wholly abnormal it just seems like that connection is fading away. And maybe it's my fault for not pursuing it (totally the first time that's ever happen right?) or maybe it's just had to play tag when the other person's playin' hide and seek. I dunno, but it makes me sad kind of. I know it'll turn around, 'cause hell all my relationships seem to be seasonal. That wax and wane based on the month of the year it is. Which is weird and that's all in my head probably. But I miss her. I really do. Plus weird thing she sent me a random text at 4:30 in the Am one more sayin' she just met my second cousin. How it came up that I was related to a stranger she met who's actually my third cousin and furthermore how she became privy to that knowledge baffles me. I meant to ask, but forgot and by the time I remembered again it didn't seem all that important.
And then sometimes I wonder what would've happen if I had did something differently in my life. I'm generally not one for regrets, because I like to think that if you should've done something you would've and if you didn't it's your own damn fault for bein' a dumbass or a fuck-up or whatever insult the situation calls for. But every now and again I find myself wondering what if I had kissed the girl millions of moons ago when were we sitting in the car as she was dropping me off after a fun night at the bar. I told her she was so amazing that she made me speechless. And with the benefit of hindsight, it was right there, I don't know why I didn't recognize that while it was happening. I guess that me figured there'd always be more time. Somewhere in some alternate universe I said the exact same thing and added "So I'll show you" and kissed the fuck out of her. And who knows if anything would've changed. Maybe so maybe not. You'll eat yourself alive ponderin' shit like that. But I always wonder, because after that things changed completely between us
Oddly enough she always pops back into my life from time to time. I don't know why. Well I know why. Because we had a good thing that should've been a great thing. But I always try to wrap my head around it because it wasn't like it was all sunshine and fairy tales. It was a good bit of fighting. And crying. But a lot of laughing and talking and just enjoying what we had Lots of passive-aggressive weirdo behavior. And I wish I knew then what I know now about how to handle all that type of shit, I think if Present me went back in time and did what I'd do now the story might've turned out like all the great ones people are always writing about. But it's my fault for never writing it I suppose.
She's been havin' some issues as of late. And has came to me a couple times. Part of me wonders why. Sheer curiosity really.
What does she think I know that she wants to know? Am I just good at listening? Am I something that she's looking for?
If I sit around and break it down it's kind of a strange situation. But I like the arrangement in a way. It makes me feel uplifted in a way that someone in spite of all the time and bullshit and what have you that happens between humans she still seeks me out. In a way it gives me hope. Hope that love can exist between people. And that maybe even if you're physically gone from a person's life, they always at least wonder from time to time where you are and how you've been. Plus I've always just wanted people to want me in their worlds. My world is very strange and I let very few folks in, so it's nice to know that somewhere out there. Somebody misses you. It's comforting. Perhaps that's all it is on the other end? Just another human lookin' for comfort and reassurance that we can have happy endings.
Hard to say. Love and life are both things I could ramble on about vaguely forever and ever. Sore-ree for the disjointed trains of thought and poor sentence structure. I blame Twitter! Curse you 140 character limit! Things are good though. I still have a shit ton of work to do to fix me. I'm still quite broken. But I can do it. If I need a little boost from the past from time to time it's always welcome though.
Night friends. I'm not proof-reading this one so decipher at your own risk.