(no subject)
Sometimes I don't like writin' in this thing because it gets misinterpreted. Very few things are absolute and indefinite truths in here. 95% of the time they're fluid. Like my thoughts. Like feelings can be. I may be pissed or irked or upset about a particular situation at a given time and then by tomorrow I'm cool with it. Of if I'm not cool with it, then I can at least handle it.
This very live journal exists sorely for me to process things. Thoughts are easier to make sense out of it if I can see them written down in word form. When they're inside my head my train of thought gets derailed and shit gets scattered all inside my head. Good things get tainted with bad thoughts and vice-versa.
Everything written here is just a thought or idea I happen to have at the very instant I put it in word-form. It's not necessarily that I use it to organize my thoughts. I can do that in my own head. It's just with the way my thought-process works, I can see just about any person or decision from a multitude of varyin' angles. I have fake conversations and fictional scenarios that plan out in my brain like movies. Each viewpoint is usually represented equally and in it's entirety.
In case you're wonderin, it is EXTREMELY difficult to make decisions when you think like this. Everything seems equally good and bad, so I usually end up doin' nothin' because I can't pick between the opposing thoughts. I'm horribly indecisive. Case in point, I'm 'sposed to move out of my apartment at the end of this month, and I haven't even started lookin'. Why? Because every place I've read about has things I love and things I hate about it. And I don't want to go around lookin' at all of them because it makes me feel like an asshole when I go somewhere, a person does everything in their power to sell me on something, and then I reject it. I feel bad doin' that, so I want to just find a good place and pick it. But that's very hard. I've also never really done it before, if you can believe that, so there's that too.
It's all quite annoying. And sure thinkin' like this enhances my innate empathy and is probably the reason why people will sit down and talk to me about their problems for hours on end. I mean I've had meals or drinks with girls that were originally intended to only be short little get-ups. Next thing I know it's last call or three hours later and I'm just like what? People like to talk to me. I guess because I make them feel comfortable. Or maybe I'm comforting. Or maybe it's just the fact that I sit there and don't offer any real advice other than to help them find their own answers. Sometimes I end up mistakin' these long conversations for affection or attraction, because I feel like that's what girls always tell me they want, but down the line it usually changes and then it's all gone. And it sucks. I try not to get emotionally invested and approach it from a more detached point of view, but I just have such a strong sense of empathy, that "I feel you" feeling ya know? It makes it supremely difficult.
Like I even know this one person. Who almost has the same power as me. It's like she always seems like she's interested in what you're sayin'. I can't think of a word for that. Almost like she's constantly emotionally invested in everything; from the magnificent to the mundane. It's like you say something and it's either the exact same thing you were thinkin', or something you've thought before and it's really odd. Comforting in a way, but almost too comforting sometimes. Like a warm blanket that you just wanna stay under on a cold morning, even though you got shit to do later. It's nice, but too nice ya know? I don't know how to really explain it without soundin' like an asshole. Too good to be true maybe?
It's not a bad thing at all, but it's not a great thing either. And I think part of the reason it's bad is because it's either too great or it's not as great as it should be. I can't decide. I waver on it a lot. Nobody's at fault so no one's to blame, it's just a weird feelin'.
But whenever we get together it's like we're just extensions of the other person. And sometimes I find myself mistaking this for some great grand cosmic sign. And it doesn't help that there's all these weird little hints and things from the universe that pop up whenever we're around each other. I want to believe that there's really something there, a unique deep connection at worst, and some amazing happy endin' at best, but the rational part of my brain is always just screamin' dude it's just because you can be empathetic to anyone's plight and she can always seem wholly invested in anything anybody's sayin' so the special powers are compatible and truthfully enhance the other. Like mixing alcohol with a pill.
Say Superman started datin' Wonder Woman. On paper, helluva idea. But what if things went to shit because they're too alike, they got in an epic fight to the death and the whole world exploded? So it never happens on paper. I dunno it's a weird. Kind of a conflict between what I feel and what I see ya know? Seeing is believing but faith is blind right they say. That doesn't even make sense!
Haha see. Just usin' that particular situation as an example. See how crazy that makes me look? I wish I had the opportunity to give it a whirl as opposed to tryin' to figure it out, 'cause I think it'd be better suited to be acted upon to get a definite answer as opposed to tryin' to figure it out with my head.
But all this could change tomorrow. It's just in my head at the moment and I've been pondering it as of late. I remembIer once Kelly Scott told me she was gonna mail me some Cosmo article about takin' chances. Why she'd mail it...haha I have no idea. Not the concept, I get that part, but I don't think I ever get mail. Unless I order something. Or something from the DMV. But I don't know if it's so much of not takin' a chance as it is of a part of me not wantin' to know the answer.
I read one time that all memory is fiction. I assume that means that everything you remember from your past, whether you think it was better or worse than it actually was, is never gonna be the exact same as it really, truly happened. And since memories are just thoughts from the past maybe the same rule applies. So maybe subconsciously, I don't wholly seek the answers because the questions are a more pleasant alternative in my mind. I control the questions and I can make up the answers as I see fit. It's not logical. It's kinda fuckin' stupid honestly. But some questions once you ask them, the answers are permanent. And I've ALWAYS had an aversion to permanent things. Which in and of itself makes no sense because I value loyalty more than anything.
I don't wanna lose it. I can't afford to. It'd take a very long time to recover from if I lost it. An eternal regret. So I stay. But I feel like I should hit. What if that busts? If Love was blackjack then Cupid dealt me double 8's. Not a good enough hand to stay, but if I try to get any more cards then odds of my losing appear greater than the odds of me winning. Tough decision. One I will have to make soon I feel like. But hopefully one that can wait till tomorrow. I just wish sometimes that a can't miss go-for-it sign would appear. Haha I watch WAAAAY too movies and read too many damn books. In the real world the cookie never bounces that way. I'll keep you posted loyal readers.
All just thoughts though. They don't mean much of anything because there's no action behind them. So no one can jump to conclusions and misinterpret things because that's bad. Very bad. Like angers me bad. And I hate that and it makes me not want to write in here. I know words have meaning and people say they're powerful. But as good as I am(was) at utilizing them to their fullest potential. I know they don't mean shit if you don't act upon them. If I say I'm gonna shoot you but just stand there holdin' the gun lookin' scared shitless eventually you're gonna say fuck you pussy and kick my ass. So please, please I'm beggin' don't ignore what I say but on the opposite end of the spectrum, don't except it as 100% truth either. Like the posters always say for the rasslin' shows: CARD IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE.
One day I'll know. And either it's gonna be a glorious triumph or a gory tragedy (metaphorically-speaking). I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I just don't wanna lose it. And in the back of my mind, the tiniest , smallest voice says if you don't do something you're gonna lose it anyway. And yet oddly enough that voice is the one I hear the clearest.
Welp time to depart friends. Never take anything in here personally. Unless it's compliments. Enjoy those. I'm an expert complimenter. Everything else is just my fingers and eyes tryin' to process the thoughts of my stupid head. Goodnight.
PS. I apologize for the mixed metaphors. Haha my 8th grade English teacher would be quite displeased. I wonder if she's even still alive?
This very live journal exists sorely for me to process things. Thoughts are easier to make sense out of it if I can see them written down in word form. When they're inside my head my train of thought gets derailed and shit gets scattered all inside my head. Good things get tainted with bad thoughts and vice-versa.
Everything written here is just a thought or idea I happen to have at the very instant I put it in word-form. It's not necessarily that I use it to organize my thoughts. I can do that in my own head. It's just with the way my thought-process works, I can see just about any person or decision from a multitude of varyin' angles. I have fake conversations and fictional scenarios that plan out in my brain like movies. Each viewpoint is usually represented equally and in it's entirety.
In case you're wonderin, it is EXTREMELY difficult to make decisions when you think like this. Everything seems equally good and bad, so I usually end up doin' nothin' because I can't pick between the opposing thoughts. I'm horribly indecisive. Case in point, I'm 'sposed to move out of my apartment at the end of this month, and I haven't even started lookin'. Why? Because every place I've read about has things I love and things I hate about it. And I don't want to go around lookin' at all of them because it makes me feel like an asshole when I go somewhere, a person does everything in their power to sell me on something, and then I reject it. I feel bad doin' that, so I want to just find a good place and pick it. But that's very hard. I've also never really done it before, if you can believe that, so there's that too.
It's all quite annoying. And sure thinkin' like this enhances my innate empathy and is probably the reason why people will sit down and talk to me about their problems for hours on end. I mean I've had meals or drinks with girls that were originally intended to only be short little get-ups. Next thing I know it's last call or three hours later and I'm just like what? People like to talk to me. I guess because I make them feel comfortable. Or maybe I'm comforting. Or maybe it's just the fact that I sit there and don't offer any real advice other than to help them find their own answers. Sometimes I end up mistakin' these long conversations for affection or attraction, because I feel like that's what girls always tell me they want, but down the line it usually changes and then it's all gone. And it sucks. I try not to get emotionally invested and approach it from a more detached point of view, but I just have such a strong sense of empathy, that "I feel you" feeling ya know? It makes it supremely difficult.
Like I even know this one person. Who almost has the same power as me. It's like she always seems like she's interested in what you're sayin'. I can't think of a word for that. Almost like she's constantly emotionally invested in everything; from the magnificent to the mundane. It's like you say something and it's either the exact same thing you were thinkin', or something you've thought before and it's really odd. Comforting in a way, but almost too comforting sometimes. Like a warm blanket that you just wanna stay under on a cold morning, even though you got shit to do later. It's nice, but too nice ya know? I don't know how to really explain it without soundin' like an asshole. Too good to be true maybe?
It's not a bad thing at all, but it's not a great thing either. And I think part of the reason it's bad is because it's either too great or it's not as great as it should be. I can't decide. I waver on it a lot. Nobody's at fault so no one's to blame, it's just a weird feelin'.
But whenever we get together it's like we're just extensions of the other person. And sometimes I find myself mistaking this for some great grand cosmic sign. And it doesn't help that there's all these weird little hints and things from the universe that pop up whenever we're around each other. I want to believe that there's really something there, a unique deep connection at worst, and some amazing happy endin' at best, but the rational part of my brain is always just screamin' dude it's just because you can be empathetic to anyone's plight and she can always seem wholly invested in anything anybody's sayin' so the special powers are compatible and truthfully enhance the other. Like mixing alcohol with a pill.
Say Superman started datin' Wonder Woman. On paper, helluva idea. But what if things went to shit because they're too alike, they got in an epic fight to the death and the whole world exploded? So it never happens on paper. I dunno it's a weird. Kind of a conflict between what I feel and what I see ya know? Seeing is believing but faith is blind right they say. That doesn't even make sense!
Haha see. Just usin' that particular situation as an example. See how crazy that makes me look? I wish I had the opportunity to give it a whirl as opposed to tryin' to figure it out, 'cause I think it'd be better suited to be acted upon to get a definite answer as opposed to tryin' to figure it out with my head.
But all this could change tomorrow. It's just in my head at the moment and I've been pondering it as of late. I remembIer once Kelly Scott told me she was gonna mail me some Cosmo article about takin' chances. Why she'd mail it...haha I have no idea. Not the concept, I get that part, but I don't think I ever get mail. Unless I order something. Or something from the DMV. But I don't know if it's so much of not takin' a chance as it is of a part of me not wantin' to know the answer.
I read one time that all memory is fiction. I assume that means that everything you remember from your past, whether you think it was better or worse than it actually was, is never gonna be the exact same as it really, truly happened. And since memories are just thoughts from the past maybe the same rule applies. So maybe subconsciously, I don't wholly seek the answers because the questions are a more pleasant alternative in my mind. I control the questions and I can make up the answers as I see fit. It's not logical. It's kinda fuckin' stupid honestly. But some questions once you ask them, the answers are permanent. And I've ALWAYS had an aversion to permanent things. Which in and of itself makes no sense because I value loyalty more than anything.
I don't wanna lose it. I can't afford to. It'd take a very long time to recover from if I lost it. An eternal regret. So I stay. But I feel like I should hit. What if that busts? If Love was blackjack then Cupid dealt me double 8's. Not a good enough hand to stay, but if I try to get any more cards then odds of my losing appear greater than the odds of me winning. Tough decision. One I will have to make soon I feel like. But hopefully one that can wait till tomorrow. I just wish sometimes that a can't miss go-for-it sign would appear. Haha I watch WAAAAY too movies and read too many damn books. In the real world the cookie never bounces that way. I'll keep you posted loyal readers.
All just thoughts though. They don't mean much of anything because there's no action behind them. So no one can jump to conclusions and misinterpret things because that's bad. Very bad. Like angers me bad. And I hate that and it makes me not want to write in here. I know words have meaning and people say they're powerful. But as good as I am(was) at utilizing them to their fullest potential. I know they don't mean shit if you don't act upon them. If I say I'm gonna shoot you but just stand there holdin' the gun lookin' scared shitless eventually you're gonna say fuck you pussy and kick my ass. So please, please I'm beggin' don't ignore what I say but on the opposite end of the spectrum, don't except it as 100% truth either. Like the posters always say for the rasslin' shows: CARD IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE.
One day I'll know. And either it's gonna be a glorious triumph or a gory tragedy (metaphorically-speaking). I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I just don't wanna lose it. And in the back of my mind, the tiniest , smallest voice says if you don't do something you're gonna lose it anyway. And yet oddly enough that voice is the one I hear the clearest.
Welp time to depart friends. Never take anything in here personally. Unless it's compliments. Enjoy those. I'm an expert complimenter. Everything else is just my fingers and eyes tryin' to process the thoughts of my stupid head. Goodnight.
PS. I apologize for the mixed metaphors. Haha my 8th grade English teacher would be quite displeased. I wonder if she's even still alive?