(no subject)
Do you ever just feel as if everything you do never leads to any real changes? Sometimes I feel like that. I know it's not my fault, because I'm tryin' very hard. Moreso now than probably any other point in my 28 years. Things just aren't turnin' out the way I'd hoped. I could always find something else or go down another path I suppose, but I don't want to. I want to stick it out till the end. Or whenever I find the answer I'm lookin' for, whichever comes first.
Patience. A virtue I've never really possessed. I hate waitin' in lines. I hate waitin' on people. I hate sittin' around and hopin' things change on their own. Sometimes part of patience is to just keep doin' what you're doin' in spite of the results. Persistence right? Coincidentally enough, repeating the same behaviors and expectin' different results is also one of the symptoms of insanity. But I've always been a little crazy. So I'll keep at it. You can't win 'em all, but I just wanna win big one time. That'd be good enough for me.
So I had Saturday night off and I really wanted to go out and do something. But the Pangs were broke. Seth and Lauren were out of town and I was 'sposed to go chill with Chase and we were gonna hit up the bars, but that fell thru 'cause he had to work late. I suppose I could've gone home and hung out with home pals, but I didn't feel like drivin' there and then havin' to be back here the next day. I feel like I've done that the past two or three weekends. Maybe I haven't, but I feel like I have. So I just said to hell with it and went home and drank beer and watched flicks. I wasn't pissed or sad about it honestly. Just par the course. I guess that's kinda what I get for just decidin' I wanted a Saturday night
I'm in a weird place. I want what 28 year olds want. A decent job that's part of a career, a good girl, a nice place, and to just feel like what I do matters. On the flipside though, I wanna go home and experience different girls and people and places. And as long as I have a job that pays the bills that I don't despise I can live with that for the time bein'. It just bums me out sometimes that I have like literally one single dude friend. And he's alright, but he has to work even more than I do so it's not like we can go out runnin' game on classy ladies (or whatever we happen to find on any particular night). And it's weird bein' a third, fifth, or seventh wheel, 'cause you always feel like couples are havin' secret conversations just between them.
It was so strange. I was hangin' out at the Pangs watchin' the hoops match Saturday. And at Lady Pang needed more wine. And she was whinin' about it, so at halftime Mr. Pang and I went to the store to go get her some and she was happy. Well then about 20 minutes later she was freakin' out about some bill or something and it was like a whole different thing. And I was like damn, is this what's marriage is like? Or any long term relationship is like? You fix one thing, then it's something else. And she even scolded him. Like a child. And I dunno, it just kinda freaks me out.
Honestly, I only can think of a handful of girls that I'd ever care enough about to deal with stuff like that. Girls that I could commit to thru good and bad ya know? Most of the time whenever a couple bad things come up I'm just like fuck it and I bounce. I know it's bad, but I'm the type of person that can tell when a relationship just isn't gonna work. Oh yeah, I'm sure I've been wrong dozens of times, and it was just one of those things where if I would've stuck it out it would've been fine down the road. Kind of like today when we were out playin' hoops and it was rainin' a little bit. So people started leaving because the floor got slick. And it wasn't raining particularly hard mind you, but it was just enough to make it slippery. Folks were bustin' ass, and I was like dude I came too far to play one game (a loss) and leave because of damn drizzle. So I stayed, the rain stopped, and I had a pretty fine day on the court.
I wish I could stick out more relationships kinda like I stuck out the rain on the hoops court. I think I just haven't caught the one I care about enough to do that for. I hope. I don't want to be a perpetual flake. Bein' flakey and wishy-washy sucks. I hate bein' that way and I'm not the hugest fan of folks that treat me that way. Haha but I rarely bitch about, 'cause I'm one of the world's worst offenders.
So I think I just need to keep headin' down the path I'm headin'. Maybe the rewards won't manifest themselves initially, and perhaps they'll be more stormy days ahead that make it tough to get any traction. But it can't rain all the time, and sometimes patience and persistence win out in the end. That's what I'm bankin' on folks. If it fails it won't be any fault of mine, and I'll pick myself up, dust my ass off, and get back out there and keep tryin' till I get it right. I've never tapped out in my life, and I'll be damn if life is ever the first to make me say I quit. Just gotta keep my head up and convince myself that it's only my fault if I don't try.
Oh yeah on the hoops court this evenin' I actually injured the same guy three times in one game! I felt so bad, because I don't like to injure people playin' basketball. They were all incidental and each was an accident. The first time I kind of stepped on his foot a little bit and he rolled his ankle. I can attest that hurts like hell. The second time we were both jumpin' for a rebound and his mouth ran right into my elbow. That wasn't my fault because I had to be at least 5 inches taller and 50-60lbs heavier than him. He shouldn't be in my paint. The last time was the worst though. He was on a breakaway and would've had a wide open lay-up so I chase him down and try to alter the shot, because FUCK easy baskets. Welp when I jumped, he jumped into me and crashed and burned. RIGHT into the support post of the basketball hoop. He landed back-first and wrapped his shit around it. I know it had to hurt like 'cause I was right there.
Welp time to go. I had actually forgot to save this and it auto-recovered for me. THanks LJ robot. Have a nice life friends. PEACE. OUT.
Patience. A virtue I've never really possessed. I hate waitin' in lines. I hate waitin' on people. I hate sittin' around and hopin' things change on their own. Sometimes part of patience is to just keep doin' what you're doin' in spite of the results. Persistence right? Coincidentally enough, repeating the same behaviors and expectin' different results is also one of the symptoms of insanity. But I've always been a little crazy. So I'll keep at it. You can't win 'em all, but I just wanna win big one time. That'd be good enough for me.
So I had Saturday night off and I really wanted to go out and do something. But the Pangs were broke. Seth and Lauren were out of town and I was 'sposed to go chill with Chase and we were gonna hit up the bars, but that fell thru 'cause he had to work late. I suppose I could've gone home and hung out with home pals, but I didn't feel like drivin' there and then havin' to be back here the next day. I feel like I've done that the past two or three weekends. Maybe I haven't, but I feel like I have. So I just said to hell with it and went home and drank beer and watched flicks. I wasn't pissed or sad about it honestly. Just par the course. I guess that's kinda what I get for just decidin' I wanted a Saturday night
I'm in a weird place. I want what 28 year olds want. A decent job that's part of a career, a good girl, a nice place, and to just feel like what I do matters. On the flipside though, I wanna go home and experience different girls and people and places. And as long as I have a job that pays the bills that I don't despise I can live with that for the time bein'. It just bums me out sometimes that I have like literally one single dude friend. And he's alright, but he has to work even more than I do so it's not like we can go out runnin' game on classy ladies (or whatever we happen to find on any particular night). And it's weird bein' a third, fifth, or seventh wheel, 'cause you always feel like couples are havin' secret conversations just between them.
It was so strange. I was hangin' out at the Pangs watchin' the hoops match Saturday. And at Lady Pang needed more wine. And she was whinin' about it, so at halftime Mr. Pang and I went to the store to go get her some and she was happy. Well then about 20 minutes later she was freakin' out about some bill or something and it was like a whole different thing. And I was like damn, is this what's marriage is like? Or any long term relationship is like? You fix one thing, then it's something else. And she even scolded him. Like a child. And I dunno, it just kinda freaks me out.
Honestly, I only can think of a handful of girls that I'd ever care enough about to deal with stuff like that. Girls that I could commit to thru good and bad ya know? Most of the time whenever a couple bad things come up I'm just like fuck it and I bounce. I know it's bad, but I'm the type of person that can tell when a relationship just isn't gonna work. Oh yeah, I'm sure I've been wrong dozens of times, and it was just one of those things where if I would've stuck it out it would've been fine down the road. Kind of like today when we were out playin' hoops and it was rainin' a little bit. So people started leaving because the floor got slick. And it wasn't raining particularly hard mind you, but it was just enough to make it slippery. Folks were bustin' ass, and I was like dude I came too far to play one game (a loss) and leave because of damn drizzle. So I stayed, the rain stopped, and I had a pretty fine day on the court.
I wish I could stick out more relationships kinda like I stuck out the rain on the hoops court. I think I just haven't caught the one I care about enough to do that for. I hope. I don't want to be a perpetual flake. Bein' flakey and wishy-washy sucks. I hate bein' that way and I'm not the hugest fan of folks that treat me that way. Haha but I rarely bitch about, 'cause I'm one of the world's worst offenders.
So I think I just need to keep headin' down the path I'm headin'. Maybe the rewards won't manifest themselves initially, and perhaps they'll be more stormy days ahead that make it tough to get any traction. But it can't rain all the time, and sometimes patience and persistence win out in the end. That's what I'm bankin' on folks. If it fails it won't be any fault of mine, and I'll pick myself up, dust my ass off, and get back out there and keep tryin' till I get it right. I've never tapped out in my life, and I'll be damn if life is ever the first to make me say I quit. Just gotta keep my head up and convince myself that it's only my fault if I don't try.
Oh yeah on the hoops court this evenin' I actually injured the same guy three times in one game! I felt so bad, because I don't like to injure people playin' basketball. They were all incidental and each was an accident. The first time I kind of stepped on his foot a little bit and he rolled his ankle. I can attest that hurts like hell. The second time we were both jumpin' for a rebound and his mouth ran right into my elbow. That wasn't my fault because I had to be at least 5 inches taller and 50-60lbs heavier than him. He shouldn't be in my paint. The last time was the worst though. He was on a breakaway and would've had a wide open lay-up so I chase him down and try to alter the shot, because FUCK easy baskets. Welp when I jumped, he jumped into me and crashed and burned. RIGHT into the support post of the basketball hoop. He landed back-first and wrapped his shit around it. I know it had to hurt like 'cause I was right there.
Welp time to go. I had actually forgot to save this and it auto-recovered for me. THanks LJ robot. Have a nice life friends. PEACE. OUT.