At The Zoo
Title: At The Zoo
Author: kick_back_80s
Rating: G
Summary: There's a rotten zookeeper... and he's got to be stopped.
A/N: So... over at ths_just_in, pr_scatterbrain gave zoo!AU (as in everyone's a zoo animal) as a topic in the OT... Which resulted in this lovely little political!zoo!AU... after much poking and prodding.
Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual person is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).
Any mention of 'Comedy Central', 'The Daily Show‘, 'The Colbert Report', 'Root of All Evil', 'Strangers with Candy', 'AC 360', 'Verdict with Dan Abrams', 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann', 'The Late Show with Conan O'brien', 'MSNBC', 'CNN', 'NBC', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976, and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
Normally, nights at the zoo were quiet. Well, as quiet as they could be, all things considered. But not this night. Oh no. On this night, fate had decided to stir things up a bit.
"Oh you have got to be kidding me," Keith muttered, rolling his eyes.
"What?" Tory asked.
Keith motioned with his horn over to the watering hole. "Bill-O over there, preening in front of Hannity."
Tory sighed. "Just... let it go."
Keith huffed. "No way! I'm going to give him a--"
"Keith! Hey! Keith!" Stephen called from the fence.
"Whaaaaaat?" Keith said, turning his attention away from Bill and towards Stephen.
"We have a problem," Stephen replied. "There's a roundtable meeting in five minutes."
Keith grumbled, but began heading over to the gate to go meet up for the roundtable.
--
In the process of stirring things up, fate had dealt a particularly cruel circumstance to inspire a meeting of the roundtable. Which is where this story begins, really, in the middle of a meeting of the zoo's finest. Well... sort of.
"Hey!" Jon roared. "Stop chattering! That means you, especially, Stephen!"
Stephen pouted, and John laughed behind a hand.
Keith rolled his eyes. "Just start picking invisible bugs out of each others' hair and quiet down."
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a very angry man?" Demetri asked.
Anderson snorted. "Yes. All the time."
Keith glared at Anderson. "I'll ram into you, pretty boy."
Demetri laughed. "Me, too! Except my horn is bigger."
Keith blinked at him. "You... don't have a horn."
Jon rubbed a paw down his face. "Oh this is ridiculous. We're never going to get this meeting underway."
"Sure we will, Jon," Rachel replied, smiling. At least, Jon thought she was smiling, it was hard to tell when she was so... tall. "You just have to... motivate them to shut up properly."
"...I don't have any food, Rachel," Jon said.
Rachel scoffed. "They don't respond to just food, Jon. Like... HEY! You animals! Quiet!"
The bickering stopped as they all looked at Rachel, who nodded at Jon as if to say "Told you so."
"...Right. Well, thank you for that, Rachel. Now, as you all know, these meetings are normally called on such short notice for a reason," Jon began. "And tonight, we have a reason. A very good one, in fact."
"Jon, we're already here. You don't have to sell it to us," Anderson said. "What's the problem?"
--
The problem was simple, really. The complexity of the issue existed, however, in the fact that they had day jobs and a lack of opposable thumbs. In the world of captive zoo animals, there were some things that were just accepted. One of those was that the zookeeper looked after his animals, took care of them, treated them with respect. Of course, sometimes the system became corrupt. And that was the case now.
"So, basically, we just need to teach this Mr. Bush a lesson," Jon said.
"What's he doing again?" Stephen asked, fingers systematically parting John's hair as he spoke.
Jon sighed. "If you paid more attention..."
"I was hungry!" Stephen protested.
"Bush, bad. Us, doing something about it," Keith said.
"...You make it sound so simple," Anderson muttered.
"That's because it is!" Keith exclaimed.
"We can't just... maul him. That'd be suicide," Anderson reasoned.
Keith stared at him. "He says, knowing full well that he--"
"Is a Godless killing machine!" Stephen exclaimed, throwing a banana peel at Anderson.
"Hey guys! How do you like my camoflauge?" Demetri asked, strutting around the floor.
"You... sparkle," Keith said.
"It looks good." Anderson nodded.
Jon was pretty sure he was going to have to break pride rules and go hunt something later.
"Okay. The problem: Zookeeper Bush is underfeeding his charges," Rachel said. "The simple solution is to go behind is back and feed them the proper amount. But... we can't keep doing that every night, because then the rest of them are going to notice. So... we either have to get rid of the problem, or reform it."
Jon nodded. "Exactly. And he's been doing it for so long now that I don't think we can reform him."
"So then we need to get rid of the problem. But... how?" Rachel asked.
"There's that new guy who just started," Anderson said. "We could try and alert him to the problem."
"Okay. Let's put it to a vote," Jon said. "Rachel, do your... attention getting thing."
"Hello boys! I need your short attention spans to focus for a second," Rachel said. "Now, we need to come to a consensus on this issue. Do we get rid of this problem, or do we reform it? All in favor of the first, raise a... limb." Rachel counted the votes. "Seems like it's unanimous to get rid of it. Now... how do we do that?"
Author: kick_back_80s
Rating: G
Summary: There's a rotten zookeeper... and he's got to be stopped.
A/N: So... over at ths_just_in, pr_scatterbrain gave zoo!AU (as in everyone's a zoo animal) as a topic in the OT... Which resulted in this lovely little political!zoo!AU... after much poking and prodding.
Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual person is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).
Any mention of 'Comedy Central', 'The Daily Show‘, 'The Colbert Report', 'Root of All Evil', 'Strangers with Candy', 'AC 360', 'Verdict with Dan Abrams', 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann', 'The Late Show with Conan O'brien', 'MSNBC', 'CNN', 'NBC', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976, and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
Normally, nights at the zoo were quiet. Well, as quiet as they could be, all things considered. But not this night. Oh no. On this night, fate had decided to stir things up a bit.
"Oh you have got to be kidding me," Keith muttered, rolling his eyes.
"What?" Tory asked.
Keith motioned with his horn over to the watering hole. "Bill-O over there, preening in front of Hannity."
Tory sighed. "Just... let it go."
Keith huffed. "No way! I'm going to give him a--"
"Keith! Hey! Keith!" Stephen called from the fence.
"Whaaaaaat?" Keith said, turning his attention away from Bill and towards Stephen.
"We have a problem," Stephen replied. "There's a roundtable meeting in five minutes."
Keith grumbled, but began heading over to the gate to go meet up for the roundtable.
--
In the process of stirring things up, fate had dealt a particularly cruel circumstance to inspire a meeting of the roundtable. Which is where this story begins, really, in the middle of a meeting of the zoo's finest. Well... sort of.
"Hey!" Jon roared. "Stop chattering! That means you, especially, Stephen!"
Stephen pouted, and John laughed behind a hand.
Keith rolled his eyes. "Just start picking invisible bugs out of each others' hair and quiet down."
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a very angry man?" Demetri asked.
Anderson snorted. "Yes. All the time."
Keith glared at Anderson. "I'll ram into you, pretty boy."
Demetri laughed. "Me, too! Except my horn is bigger."
Keith blinked at him. "You... don't have a horn."
Jon rubbed a paw down his face. "Oh this is ridiculous. We're never going to get this meeting underway."
"Sure we will, Jon," Rachel replied, smiling. At least, Jon thought she was smiling, it was hard to tell when she was so... tall. "You just have to... motivate them to shut up properly."
"...I don't have any food, Rachel," Jon said.
Rachel scoffed. "They don't respond to just food, Jon. Like... HEY! You animals! Quiet!"
The bickering stopped as they all looked at Rachel, who nodded at Jon as if to say "Told you so."
"...Right. Well, thank you for that, Rachel. Now, as you all know, these meetings are normally called on such short notice for a reason," Jon began. "And tonight, we have a reason. A very good one, in fact."
"Jon, we're already here. You don't have to sell it to us," Anderson said. "What's the problem?"
--
The problem was simple, really. The complexity of the issue existed, however, in the fact that they had day jobs and a lack of opposable thumbs. In the world of captive zoo animals, there were some things that were just accepted. One of those was that the zookeeper looked after his animals, took care of them, treated them with respect. Of course, sometimes the system became corrupt. And that was the case now.
"So, basically, we just need to teach this Mr. Bush a lesson," Jon said.
"What's he doing again?" Stephen asked, fingers systematically parting John's hair as he spoke.
Jon sighed. "If you paid more attention..."
"I was hungry!" Stephen protested.
"Bush, bad. Us, doing something about it," Keith said.
"...You make it sound so simple," Anderson muttered.
"That's because it is!" Keith exclaimed.
"We can't just... maul him. That'd be suicide," Anderson reasoned.
Keith stared at him. "He says, knowing full well that he--"
"Is a Godless killing machine!" Stephen exclaimed, throwing a banana peel at Anderson.
"Hey guys! How do you like my camoflauge?" Demetri asked, strutting around the floor.
"You... sparkle," Keith said.
"It looks good." Anderson nodded.
Jon was pretty sure he was going to have to break pride rules and go hunt something later.
"Okay. The problem: Zookeeper Bush is underfeeding his charges," Rachel said. "The simple solution is to go behind is back and feed them the proper amount. But... we can't keep doing that every night, because then the rest of them are going to notice. So... we either have to get rid of the problem, or reform it."
Jon nodded. "Exactly. And he's been doing it for so long now that I don't think we can reform him."
"So then we need to get rid of the problem. But... how?" Rachel asked.
"There's that new guy who just started," Anderson said. "We could try and alert him to the problem."
"Okay. Let's put it to a vote," Jon said. "Rachel, do your... attention getting thing."
"Hello boys! I need your short attention spans to focus for a second," Rachel said. "Now, we need to come to a consensus on this issue. Do we get rid of this problem, or do we reform it? All in favor of the first, raise a... limb." Rachel counted the votes. "Seems like it's unanimous to get rid of it. Now... how do we do that?"