Confused.
Okay, I just posted this in bicuriousgirls, but since talking about this stuff is what this journal is for, I thought I'd repost it here. It's the short version of more ramblings to come out of my head in the future, I think.
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I've been contemplating it for some time, but have finally got myself a journal that I can keep somewhat private. I need to talk to people about certain issues in my life, but nothing that the people who know of my other journal can help me with or really need to know at all.
I guess I'm here because I don't know what I am. Except that, deep down, I really do and I'm just too scared to admit it. I don't know why I can't say it, or act on it, or deal with it in reality. Nobody in my group of friends or family have anything against the alternate lifestyle, so it's not like a huge fear of being shunned. In fact, my brother and my best friend are gay, so it's almost like it's commonplace around us. I guess I'm so used to being the very definition of "normal" that I don't dare spill the beans.
See, for years I never thought I was *really* attracted to women. Though I remember our family having Cinemax when I was a kid, and really late at night while my parents were sleeping, I'd sneak and watch those softcore porn movies, and I tended to enjoy looking at the women more than I did anything else. I guess there's just something about the female form that draws you in. I even had a few dreams when I was in junior high where I was kissing girls, but never took it seriously. And then when I was in high school I was over at a friend's house with several other friends, and a friend of mine who I knew to be bisexual and I were joking around. I let her touch my breast as a joke, and then we were calling my boyfriend who was out of town and joking around that she was going to convert me. Well, later that night, we kissed, but that's as far as it went. We kissed a few more times after that, but that's as far as it went. I definitely enjoyed it though, and never thought it was gross or weird or any of that, just perfectly natural.
Later on, I met another girl who was really into me and completely made it known. We made out a few times, and then we actually had a threesome with my boyfriend at the time. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And, the two of us did everything, and I enjoyed it. But, because of reasons that I won't get into, we never saw each other after that.
But I haven't done anything with a girl since then, and that was a few years ago now. I just kind of closed that part of me off, but deep down it's always there. I don't understand why I'm so shy and reserved when it comes to that, because I'm not that way when it comes to other things in my life. But, there it is. I dream about it, fantasize about it, and want to be with a girl again. I just haven't done it yet.
-
I've been contemplating it for some time, but have finally got myself a journal that I can keep somewhat private. I need to talk to people about certain issues in my life, but nothing that the people who know of my other journal can help me with or really need to know at all.
I guess I'm here because I don't know what I am. Except that, deep down, I really do and I'm just too scared to admit it. I don't know why I can't say it, or act on it, or deal with it in reality. Nobody in my group of friends or family have anything against the alternate lifestyle, so it's not like a huge fear of being shunned. In fact, my brother and my best friend are gay, so it's almost like it's commonplace around us. I guess I'm so used to being the very definition of "normal" that I don't dare spill the beans.
See, for years I never thought I was *really* attracted to women. Though I remember our family having Cinemax when I was a kid, and really late at night while my parents were sleeping, I'd sneak and watch those softcore porn movies, and I tended to enjoy looking at the women more than I did anything else. I guess there's just something about the female form that draws you in. I even had a few dreams when I was in junior high where I was kissing girls, but never took it seriously. And then when I was in high school I was over at a friend's house with several other friends, and a friend of mine who I knew to be bisexual and I were joking around. I let her touch my breast as a joke, and then we were calling my boyfriend who was out of town and joking around that she was going to convert me. Well, later that night, we kissed, but that's as far as it went. We kissed a few more times after that, but that's as far as it went. I definitely enjoyed it though, and never thought it was gross or weird or any of that, just perfectly natural.
Later on, I met another girl who was really into me and completely made it known. We made out a few times, and then we actually had a threesome with my boyfriend at the time. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And, the two of us did everything, and I enjoyed it. But, because of reasons that I won't get into, we never saw each other after that.
But I haven't done anything with a girl since then, and that was a few years ago now. I just kind of closed that part of me off, but deep down it's always there. I don't understand why I'm so shy and reserved when it comes to that, because I'm not that way when it comes to other things in my life. But, there it is. I dream about it, fantasize about it, and want to be with a girl again. I just haven't done it yet.