It's Been A While..
Pretty much everyone knows I went to Nevada for a week.
I only lasted a week because I missed my family.
I kind of wish I stayed
I already miss them
I miss Peter.
It's so...weird.
I don't make any sense.
I broke things off so that I could have time.
Time for me.
Time to focus on school.
Time to spend with people.
But, I'm not in school right now.
I am at home.
And all I ever do is sit around the house.
I mope.
I cry every time I get the chance to think
I hate it.
I've gained quite a bit of weight.
I hate myself for it.
So, that adds to my anti-socialness
I don't want to see people because I don't want them to see me.
I hate being fat.
and I swear, if anyone comments saying "Ange you're not fat"
I'm going to fucking scream.
I have gained weight.
To me, this is fat.
You may not be able to tell
or you may even ignore it so you can't tell
but I can.
I can tell.
My parents seem disappointed
Because I don't do anything....
I sit around the house
I sit on the computer
I watch T.V
Or I read one of my books
They keep asking me why..
Why haven't people been calling me like crazy?
Why haven't a million people came to see me?
Jeremy is the only person who has stopped by
And it was for five minutes (I'm not complaining..those five minutes were..awkward for me)
I guess.. It's because I'm not ready
I'm not ready to face people
I hate myself.
I hate my body.
I am self concious to a point where I don't want to see anyone
I am avoiding people.
But whatever..
It's not that big of a deal.
I can deal with it myself.
I'm just in this phase where I don't know what I want.
I want to forget how empty I feel
I want to forget the void in my chest where my heart used to be
I want to forget the feeling of nausea every time I eat
I want to forget everything.. I just want to be back to normal.
I want to be Ange. I want to be the person that is in the background.
The girl everyone knows, and everyone talks to, but has no reason to worry
because everything is okay.
I want things to stay that way.
I don't want worry.
I don't want to be spotlighted.
*sighs*
We were discussing Prom last night.
Now he's afraid of staying at the house
Because of my parents.
I don't want him to feel that way.
I don't want things to be awkward.
I just want him to be Pete.
I know I hurt him, and I'm lucky he's still around..
But I don't want things to be different.
I love him.
I love him so much.
I don't know.
It's so confusing.
I'm stopping myself from drinking pop.
I'm going through withdrawl right now
horrid headache. ugh.
It sucks. But I can do it.
I have to. Beacuse I am vain.
I hate being fat. Chubby. Whatever.
I hate feeling ugly.
I hate feeling so different from my friends.
Everyone is so much smaller.
They all weigh like 100-160 lbs
I look like a fucking marshmellow amongst twigs.
Grrrrr.
Blah.
Tonight is New Year's..
Yipee..*rolls eyes*
I realized yet again this time
I won't get to do the whole "New Year's Kiss" thing.
I give up.
I just want to lose weight
Pass high school
and have some fun along the way
Why does that seem like it's going to be so hard to do?
Is it really that unrealistic?
Ugh.
I don't know..
I'm done..
I only lasted a week because I missed my family.
I kind of wish I stayed
I already miss them
I miss Peter.
It's so...weird.
I don't make any sense.
I broke things off so that I could have time.
Time for me.
Time to focus on school.
Time to spend with people.
But, I'm not in school right now.
I am at home.
And all I ever do is sit around the house.
I mope.
I cry every time I get the chance to think
I hate it.
I've gained quite a bit of weight.
I hate myself for it.
So, that adds to my anti-socialness
I don't want to see people because I don't want them to see me.
I hate being fat.
and I swear, if anyone comments saying "Ange you're not fat"
I'm going to fucking scream.
I have gained weight.
To me, this is fat.
You may not be able to tell
or you may even ignore it so you can't tell
but I can.
I can tell.
My parents seem disappointed
Because I don't do anything....
I sit around the house
I sit on the computer
I watch T.V
Or I read one of my books
They keep asking me why..
Why haven't people been calling me like crazy?
Why haven't a million people came to see me?
Jeremy is the only person who has stopped by
And it was for five minutes (I'm not complaining..those five minutes were..awkward for me)
I guess.. It's because I'm not ready
I'm not ready to face people
I hate myself.
I hate my body.
I am self concious to a point where I don't want to see anyone
I am avoiding people.
But whatever..
It's not that big of a deal.
I can deal with it myself.
I'm just in this phase where I don't know what I want.
I want to forget how empty I feel
I want to forget the void in my chest where my heart used to be
I want to forget the feeling of nausea every time I eat
I want to forget everything.. I just want to be back to normal.
I want to be Ange. I want to be the person that is in the background.
The girl everyone knows, and everyone talks to, but has no reason to worry
because everything is okay.
I want things to stay that way.
I don't want worry.
I don't want to be spotlighted.
*sighs*
We were discussing Prom last night.
Now he's afraid of staying at the house
Because of my parents.
I don't want him to feel that way.
I don't want things to be awkward.
I just want him to be Pete.
I know I hurt him, and I'm lucky he's still around..
But I don't want things to be different.
I love him.
I love him so much.
I don't know.
It's so confusing.
I'm stopping myself from drinking pop.
I'm going through withdrawl right now
horrid headache. ugh.
It sucks. But I can do it.
I have to. Beacuse I am vain.
I hate being fat. Chubby. Whatever.
I hate feeling ugly.
I hate feeling so different from my friends.
Everyone is so much smaller.
They all weigh like 100-160 lbs
I look like a fucking marshmellow amongst twigs.
Grrrrr.
Blah.
Tonight is New Year's..
Yipee..*rolls eyes*
I realized yet again this time
I won't get to do the whole "New Year's Kiss" thing.
I give up.
I just want to lose weight
Pass high school
and have some fun along the way
Why does that seem like it's going to be so hard to do?
Is it really that unrealistic?
Ugh.
I don't know..
I'm done..