(no subject)
well. i've been thinking about this all day. One person's happiness causes another one's pain. One's pain can cause another's happiness. Its hard when jealousy, self-doubt and imagination start to kick in. Like. i cant explain it. But i'm seriously jealous. Seriously doubting myself in everything i do, and my imagination always takes a situation and makes me feel like shit because it runs away with these ideas of basically things that will never happen. like, i'm just getting sick and tired of a) being used and b) being manipulated by my own mind. idk. i just dont think i can take any of this anymore. Its starting to be a little too much. But i was honestly and sincerely happy last night and today for like 1 hour. then it drowned in thought of regret and unassuarance. pathetic? yes. disappointment? you're reading the thoughts that cross her mind everyday. I have not many dreams. less than 5 probably. I just want to find that one, that will change everything. One like the one I had 2 years ago. him. the infamous "him". boy. did he ever make me feel like the greatest thing on this earth. Even when we were fighting, i was still secretly happy. Because then i had a reason to be sad. these days, its just sad for no reason. like, i wish i could go back to that. Or find someone new. I see all these couples around me and pray for nothing but their failure and unhappiness. Love sickens me. The taste of cigarettes are still in my clothes and in my mouth, and i think i like it..but what will happen when those things fade? Will the memories fade too? Will I lose every single thought of you? I dont want too. Someday I hope i get to you.
I'm such a sucker sometimes...
I'm such a sucker sometimes...