Brother. I love you. May you heart be lighter than Shu.
Thursday morning around 11 in the morning I was on the bus heading south toward my work. I had taken a slightly later bus than usual so that I could sleep for an extra ten minutes. Around 38th and Lamar my best friend, brother in so many ways, got on the bus. XAST had seemed detached recently, more so than usual. When he got on the bus - he was smiling to himself and humming in his head. I said "Hello, Brother!" Which is our standard greeting. He didn't hear me, so I tapped him lightly on the inside of the wrist as he was walking. XAST jumped and his expression changed to disbelief, he shook his head no at me - as if to tell me "No, don't touch me, I don't want you here." No matter the circumstances, or how pissed we were at one another - XAST never jumped away from me. I was hurt - but rather than antagonize his psychotic episode. I waited. He sat down and began shifting rythmically left to right, smiling brightly, humming in his head. Periodically he would obviously see something - gesture to a person, and then gesture to me as if I should understand what the person was, or what he was seeing. Getting closer to my stop - I asked if he would like a hot cup of coffee. He said very emphatically that he would like a cup of coffee. The bus stopped, and he walked with me to my store - I handed him a cup for coffee - and clocked in while he was filling it up. Before he left I hugged him and told him "I love you, Brother." He said "I love you." And then walked out the door.
That was the last time any of us saw him alive.
An hour later - And when I happened to get off work - XAST Jumped from the 9th floor of a building on 8th street. We're fairly certain that it was the third building down from the block. 93 XAST - We hear you loud and clear.
I left the store around 12:15
It started raining - and all thursday afternoon I was out and about being drenched in the rain. Hail Sutekh.
XAST hadn't come home by 1:30am friday, and I recieved phone calls from my ex-husband, who happened to be XAST's roomate. (XAST's Girlfriend Mel also lives there) He hadn't come home - and Dominic was questioning me on the last time I had seen him, because no one had seen him since then.
I wake up around 10 on friday - thinking that I had a dream that XAST was missing again. Checking my cell - I have texts from Mel saying he is still missing.
Fast forward 14 hours of frantic searching, emailing, texting, walking, freezing, flyering - where I finally ended up at the Salvation army's homeless shelter. I placed one of the flyers in front of the desk clerk.. He got very quiet - and said "I don't mean to scare you, but he looks very similar to a picture some homicide detectives were in here earlier today, of a suicide." I was not completely suprised by this. XAST had been threatening suicide for a very long time. After waiting for about an hour at the location, a detective finally showed up. He looked at the picture, and I could see it in his face. I knew then that it was. After a brief questioning - me telling them what he was wearing, some identifying marks etc etc .. The man said that it was "very likely" we had a positive match.
He took the photo that I had to the Medical Examiner's office, and the Medical Examiner said that we would have to wait until the morning for a positive ID.
I went to Epoch and had to do one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I had to tell a large group of people that their Brother threw himself from a building... Mel lost it.. XAST has put her through so much in the last year, and now this. Last night there were several hours of crying and comforting, and several people drinking themselves to oblivion.
Today, I get the final call from the grief counselor - they've made a finger print match - and they're sure. I finally lost it - though not for long. I need to keep being the pillar for my friends.
Beginning last night, and continuing through today I have been in constant contact with XAST's family in Missouri. We're working together on the situation, although I am the representative from Texas - and Mary - the non biological aunt who cares for the family - is the representative from up north. We're hoping to be able to have the Kemetic Ceremony - but we'll have to talk to his Irish Catholic family. They were all aware that he was pagan. Not sure at this point exactly what's going on with the funeral arrangements, It's a little soon for that. Brodie has been the most supportive and caring person I could expect anyone to be as I continue to be the strength and foundation for the rest of the group. It was best that I found out and relayed to the rest of the group - and sort of fitting as well.
It's worth it to note, that while I was standing in a shop called "Earth Art" looking at incence - the song Strange Love came on.. XAST dedicated this song to me ages ago - this was immediately followed by the song Sweet Dreams - which is a song he had dedicated to the circle (water brotherhood). He always loves to speak through music.
He was happy as he went. I guess that is all we can really ask for. XAST had said that he should be able to chose the moment of his death. He also said that it should be his choice alone. He got his wish.
In honor of XAST tonight there will be several parties - the first of several parties. XAST didn't want a funeral .. he wanted an Irish Wake.
For those of you who didn't know him.. He was my best friend, my brother. I love him fiercely. He's in a better place now, and in several ways I can understand why he would do it. In the end he wasn't staying alive for himself. He was staying alive for the rest of us. Thelema/Agape - Love under Will.. It's what 93 Means. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the Law. Love under Will. Or translated numerically 93/93 - then simply shortened to 93. His birthday was 9/3 -
"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand."
And also - something from me personally.
May Ma'at smile upon you, and know that your heart isn't nearly as heavy as you perceive, Xast.
May Horus greet you warmly - though not too warmly.
May Het-Heret embrace you - and love you as we have loved you.
May Sobekh teach that not everything is edible.
May Knuhm sit and smoke with you - after he's finished his day's work.
May Ptah ensure that your mouth is open.
May Djehuti delight in showing you the full path of your life - fair witness style.
May Sekhmet ...well.. May sekhmet be really drunk when you meet - I think you'll get along better that way.
May Sutekh allow you the Da'ath that you seek - but also teach you to come back.
May Ra show you the true Sun.
Love Is ... And I remain only an Egg.
He spells his name Capital X then small caps AST - which is why this whole post has his name XAST.
That was the last time any of us saw him alive.
An hour later - And when I happened to get off work - XAST Jumped from the 9th floor of a building on 8th street. We're fairly certain that it was the third building down from the block. 93 XAST - We hear you loud and clear.
I left the store around 12:15
It started raining - and all thursday afternoon I was out and about being drenched in the rain. Hail Sutekh.
XAST hadn't come home by 1:30am friday, and I recieved phone calls from my ex-husband, who happened to be XAST's roomate. (XAST's Girlfriend Mel also lives there) He hadn't come home - and Dominic was questioning me on the last time I had seen him, because no one had seen him since then.
I wake up around 10 on friday - thinking that I had a dream that XAST was missing again. Checking my cell - I have texts from Mel saying he is still missing.
Fast forward 14 hours of frantic searching, emailing, texting, walking, freezing, flyering - where I finally ended up at the Salvation army's homeless shelter. I placed one of the flyers in front of the desk clerk.. He got very quiet - and said "I don't mean to scare you, but he looks very similar to a picture some homicide detectives were in here earlier today, of a suicide." I was not completely suprised by this. XAST had been threatening suicide for a very long time. After waiting for about an hour at the location, a detective finally showed up. He looked at the picture, and I could see it in his face. I knew then that it was. After a brief questioning - me telling them what he was wearing, some identifying marks etc etc .. The man said that it was "very likely" we had a positive match.
He took the photo that I had to the Medical Examiner's office, and the Medical Examiner said that we would have to wait until the morning for a positive ID.
I went to Epoch and had to do one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I had to tell a large group of people that their Brother threw himself from a building... Mel lost it.. XAST has put her through so much in the last year, and now this. Last night there were several hours of crying and comforting, and several people drinking themselves to oblivion.
Today, I get the final call from the grief counselor - they've made a finger print match - and they're sure. I finally lost it - though not for long. I need to keep being the pillar for my friends.
Beginning last night, and continuing through today I have been in constant contact with XAST's family in Missouri. We're working together on the situation, although I am the representative from Texas - and Mary - the non biological aunt who cares for the family - is the representative from up north. We're hoping to be able to have the Kemetic Ceremony - but we'll have to talk to his Irish Catholic family. They were all aware that he was pagan. Not sure at this point exactly what's going on with the funeral arrangements, It's a little soon for that. Brodie has been the most supportive and caring person I could expect anyone to be as I continue to be the strength and foundation for the rest of the group. It was best that I found out and relayed to the rest of the group - and sort of fitting as well.
It's worth it to note, that while I was standing in a shop called "Earth Art" looking at incence - the song Strange Love came on.. XAST dedicated this song to me ages ago - this was immediately followed by the song Sweet Dreams - which is a song he had dedicated to the circle (water brotherhood). He always loves to speak through music.
He was happy as he went. I guess that is all we can really ask for. XAST had said that he should be able to chose the moment of his death. He also said that it should be his choice alone. He got his wish.
In honor of XAST tonight there will be several parties - the first of several parties. XAST didn't want a funeral .. he wanted an Irish Wake.
For those of you who didn't know him.. He was my best friend, my brother. I love him fiercely. He's in a better place now, and in several ways I can understand why he would do it. In the end he wasn't staying alive for himself. He was staying alive for the rest of us. Thelema/Agape - Love under Will.. It's what 93 Means. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the Law. Love under Will. Or translated numerically 93/93 - then simply shortened to 93. His birthday was 9/3 -
"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand."
And also - something from me personally.
May Ma'at smile upon you, and know that your heart isn't nearly as heavy as you perceive, Xast.
May Horus greet you warmly - though not too warmly.
May Het-Heret embrace you - and love you as we have loved you.
May Sobekh teach that not everything is edible.
May Knuhm sit and smoke with you - after he's finished his day's work.
May Ptah ensure that your mouth is open.
May Djehuti delight in showing you the full path of your life - fair witness style.
May Sekhmet ...well.. May sekhmet be really drunk when you meet - I think you'll get along better that way.
May Sutekh allow you the Da'ath that you seek - but also teach you to come back.
May Ra show you the true Sun.
Love Is ... And I remain only an Egg.
He spells his name Capital X then small caps AST - which is why this whole post has his name XAST.