anxiety-induced paralysis; moving!
Thanks for all the kind and lovely comments made on my last few entries - they were really appreciated, and I have major guilt going on for having failed to respond to them in that manner. Unfortunately I've also been having fairly major anxiety going on over the last week or so, which (for whatever reason) seems to make replying to LiveJournal comments both terribly important and terribly daunting, and, as such, it seemed for the best to leave them be for now. After all, I've had big important benefit/housing related forms to focus on!! No time to stress about LJ when I've got forms to fear filling in, and to work myself up into states of full panic over!!
:-/
I was all in knots for six days just waiting for a response to my pre-tenancy determination application regarding the Llandaff flat,1 which wasn't helped by the unwelcome arrival of lady time, w/ its attendant headaches and innard aches, not to mention depression, mood swings, self loathing &c.). And of course I had to run out of beta blockers that same week, didn't I?2 It was all pretty damned awful for a few days, when I had all three issues going on, and was at my most rare.
But! I am now free from ladyaches and ladypains! And! I picked up a new month's supply of beta blockers Tuesday afternoon!3 And!! the letter I was waiting for re: the PTD came through on Monday, and though on the first few read throughs its contents were frankly baffling, after some translation by a nice lady down at the Housing Office that afternoon, it transpired that it was positive news as far as me taking on the Llandaff flat was concerned!!
Soooooo, Tuesday saw me at the letting agent's office signing contracts and handing over cheques for amounts of money vast enough to make me feel faint, then hotfooting it over to Llandaff to have another look at the flat, from the outside at least (hadn't wanted to tempt fate before, in between putting down the deposit and being in a position to sign the contract... yes, I'm pathetic. Pafehick! <---- previous word to be pronounced in full glottal stoppage splendour), and also to get my/its bearings a bit more clearly. Then home and to sort out the guarantor formage to send to my mother, who'd kindly agreed to step into that role, and to photocopy all relevant paperwork for my records, and to write a letter to go in w/ the originals of the paperwork to my mother.
Tuesday night saw me fail to get any sleep, as has what there's been of Wednesday morning so far - my head's too busy. So I guess I'll be off out in a couple of hours to post formage and letter to Mum (was tempted to just attack the envelope w/ a book of 1st class stamps last night, but since the new postage pricing regime came in a few months ago, I've felt rather uneasy about the whole business of posting anything, in case it's not of a permissable size/thickness/shape/odour or whatever). Once she's received it and done her bit, all that's left is for her to send it winging back in my direction, and for me to scamper off to the agents with it, and I can get keys!! And fucking move already!!!!! Within the next week, with any luck!
I tells ya, as much as I loathe the process of actually moving house, and as much anxiety as I have surrounding the whole idea of (a.) moving to a new place and (b.) doing so properly on my own for the first time,4 I'm just itching to get out of this house. I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable and unhappy, and (obviously) ever less secure here over recent weeks and months, and I'm aching to get myself somewhere where I can begin putting down new roots, and start to feel like my own woman.
p.s. - sorry to be anti-social/ungrateful kids, but I've removed commenting from this entry, purely to save me from any potential guiltfretting about current apparent inability to cope w/ comments and responding to 'em. Really - it's not you, it's me...
1 ie: do the benefits folk think it's leased at a reasonable rent, and if so, how much will they be prepared to contribute towards that rent.
2 I don't think I ever got around to mentioning the beta blockers, did I? Well, anyway, as of the end of November, I've been taking 'em on a daily basis along w/ my standard dose of anti-ds, in the hope that they'd dampen down the elevated-even-for-me levels of generalised anxiety I was constantly experiencing at the time. They did. And then, like a bloody idiot, I forgot to request a new repeat prescription in time and ran out last week, and whooosh!! up went the reading on the panic-o-meter again. Oops.
3 And this time the capsules are mauve and pink! as opposed to the blue and translucent blue combo they'd been for the previous coupla months. :D When taking meds, esp. in the mornings, it's nice to be put in the pink rather than given the blues.
4 By which I mean, I'll be moving into a one person flat on my own, not into a house shared with other people I know, or with people who're already settled in, w/ most if not all domestic systems go, or even into a halls of residence block shared with lots of people I don't know at all, but with plenty of support services on site. I didn't mean that me and the pusscat would be doing all the actual physical moving of stuff all by ourselves! Least, I hope not - I can't see Branwell being happy in harness, even if we do get enough snow this week to support a sled...
:-/
I was all in knots for six days just waiting for a response to my pre-tenancy determination application regarding the Llandaff flat,1 which wasn't helped by the unwelcome arrival of lady time, w/ its attendant headaches and innard aches, not to mention depression, mood swings, self loathing &c.). And of course I had to run out of beta blockers that same week, didn't I?2 It was all pretty damned awful for a few days, when I had all three issues going on, and was at my most rare.
But! I am now free from ladyaches and ladypains! And! I picked up a new month's supply of beta blockers Tuesday afternoon!3 And!! the letter I was waiting for re: the PTD came through on Monday, and though on the first few read throughs its contents were frankly baffling, after some translation by a nice lady down at the Housing Office that afternoon, it transpired that it was positive news as far as me taking on the Llandaff flat was concerned!!
Soooooo, Tuesday saw me at the letting agent's office signing contracts and handing over cheques for amounts of money vast enough to make me feel faint, then hotfooting it over to Llandaff to have another look at the flat, from the outside at least (hadn't wanted to tempt fate before, in between putting down the deposit and being in a position to sign the contract... yes, I'm pathetic. Pafehick! <---- previous word to be pronounced in full glottal stoppage splendour), and also to get my/its bearings a bit more clearly. Then home and to sort out the guarantor formage to send to my mother, who'd kindly agreed to step into that role, and to photocopy all relevant paperwork for my records, and to write a letter to go in w/ the originals of the paperwork to my mother.
Tuesday night saw me fail to get any sleep, as has what there's been of Wednesday morning so far - my head's too busy. So I guess I'll be off out in a couple of hours to post formage and letter to Mum (was tempted to just attack the envelope w/ a book of 1st class stamps last night, but since the new postage pricing regime came in a few months ago, I've felt rather uneasy about the whole business of posting anything, in case it's not of a permissable size/thickness/shape/odour or whatever). Once she's received it and done her bit, all that's left is for her to send it winging back in my direction, and for me to scamper off to the agents with it, and I can get keys!! And fucking move already!!!!! Within the next week, with any luck!
I tells ya, as much as I loathe the process of actually moving house, and as much anxiety as I have surrounding the whole idea of (a.) moving to a new place and (b.) doing so properly on my own for the first time,4 I'm just itching to get out of this house. I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable and unhappy, and (obviously) ever less secure here over recent weeks and months, and I'm aching to get myself somewhere where I can begin putting down new roots, and start to feel like my own woman.
p.s. - sorry to be anti-social/ungrateful kids, but I've removed commenting from this entry, purely to save me from any potential guiltfretting about current apparent inability to cope w/ comments and responding to 'em. Really - it's not you, it's me...
1 ie: do the benefits folk think it's leased at a reasonable rent, and if so, how much will they be prepared to contribute towards that rent.
2 I don't think I ever got around to mentioning the beta blockers, did I? Well, anyway, as of the end of November, I've been taking 'em on a daily basis along w/ my standard dose of anti-ds, in the hope that they'd dampen down the elevated-even-for-me levels of generalised anxiety I was constantly experiencing at the time. They did. And then, like a bloody idiot, I forgot to request a new repeat prescription in time and ran out last week, and whooosh!! up went the reading on the panic-o-meter again. Oops.
3 And this time the capsules are mauve and pink! as opposed to the blue and translucent blue combo they'd been for the previous coupla months. :D When taking meds, esp. in the mornings, it's nice to be put in the pink rather than given the blues.
4 By which I mean, I'll be moving into a one person flat on my own, not into a house shared with other people I know, or with people who're already settled in, w/ most if not all domestic systems go, or even into a halls of residence block shared with lots of people I don't know at all, but with plenty of support services on site. I didn't mean that me and the pusscat would be doing all the actual physical moving of stuff all by ourselves! Least, I hope not - I can't see Branwell being happy in harness, even if we do get enough snow this week to support a sled...