(no subject)
It's funny how someone you don't even know can judge you so quickly
yet i should be completely use to it by now since like EVERYONE does it to me
After my last entry I received a post that I since deleted.. In many ways.. Some of the things that were said were true.. Hell I'll be the first person to admit I'm insecure, I don't trust anyone, and I can't spell. I realized in reading this persons response that there is something about me that I was trying to deny to this guy. That I was fooling myself in thinking that if i told him and myself enough that, i was ok with friends with benefits, and though i liked him.. i'd be ok with being his friend and only his friend.. I'm not.. I am a virgin.. so what. I'v waited this long I'm not just gunna jump in bed with just any guy. as much as everyone says "it's just sex.. just do it" blah blah blah.. I'v seen the consequences of many sexual experiences.. If it's, losing it for your first time to someone you thought you loved, and thought loved you in a foreign country so filled with amazing things, only to return home and have him break up with you. Or sleeping with each random guy you meet, hoping one of them will love you and fall for you and want to be with you, you really think a relationship based on sex the first day you meet someone then the same with a guy the next week can last? Or having sex because you love them.. and they love you.. getting pregnant, hoping that will bring you closer only to tear you apart.. Or getting pregnant and getting married because your parents say you have to.. only to be miserable later on in life.. I in no way want to experience any of these situations. Sure some of them may be inevitable. and everything happens for a reason.. but I'm determined to stay true to myself. I do want the little things. I want to kiss in the rain. I want to just sit watching movies all day falling asleep in each others arms only to wake up with him watching me sleep. I want the "romance".
Now the thing is. I don't know that I'm ready for it. I am working step by step to be happy.. for no one.. but myself.. And this is a big step, so judge me all you want.. and be as closed minded as you like.. but I.. I will wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face. because for once. I decided to not let someone walk all over me.. I decided not to think of everyone else before I made a choice to give up on someone I tried so hard to be there for. I for once.. Am proud of the decision I have made. For once.. I am not a doormat..
yet i should be completely use to it by now since like EVERYONE does it to me
After my last entry I received a post that I since deleted.. In many ways.. Some of the things that were said were true.. Hell I'll be the first person to admit I'm insecure, I don't trust anyone, and I can't spell. I realized in reading this persons response that there is something about me that I was trying to deny to this guy. That I was fooling myself in thinking that if i told him and myself enough that, i was ok with friends with benefits, and though i liked him.. i'd be ok with being his friend and only his friend.. I'm not.. I am a virgin.. so what. I'v waited this long I'm not just gunna jump in bed with just any guy. as much as everyone says "it's just sex.. just do it" blah blah blah.. I'v seen the consequences of many sexual experiences.. If it's, losing it for your first time to someone you thought you loved, and thought loved you in a foreign country so filled with amazing things, only to return home and have him break up with you. Or sleeping with each random guy you meet, hoping one of them will love you and fall for you and want to be with you, you really think a relationship based on sex the first day you meet someone then the same with a guy the next week can last? Or having sex because you love them.. and they love you.. getting pregnant, hoping that will bring you closer only to tear you apart.. Or getting pregnant and getting married because your parents say you have to.. only to be miserable later on in life.. I in no way want to experience any of these situations. Sure some of them may be inevitable. and everything happens for a reason.. but I'm determined to stay true to myself. I do want the little things. I want to kiss in the rain. I want to just sit watching movies all day falling asleep in each others arms only to wake up with him watching me sleep. I want the "romance".
Now the thing is. I don't know that I'm ready for it. I am working step by step to be happy.. for no one.. but myself.. And this is a big step, so judge me all you want.. and be as closed minded as you like.. but I.. I will wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face. because for once. I decided to not let someone walk all over me.. I decided not to think of everyone else before I made a choice to give up on someone I tried so hard to be there for. I for once.. Am proud of the decision I have made. For once.. I am not a doormat..