i know not what a "friend" is
So I'v decided to make this one quite personal.
So just to warn you this one's gunna be graphic..
About a month ago I was browsing around on myspace. I always do a mass search for people in the Apple Valley area. Within so many miles. I love talking to new people. Though, I always search for the single ones since i do have the tendency to fall. As you all know.. *rolls eyes* So anyway, I came across this profile. I remember smiling when I saw the picture because he looked so innocent.. As conceded as this might sound.. I looked at his pictures and emailed him because I thought that he was cute! lol. (later he asked why i started talking to him, and i really didn't know how to answer) We talked for like a week, I didn't even know his name when he called me.. But we decided to hang out. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. I have this massive fear about meeting people online, that they'll take one look at me and run in the opposite direction. So I tend to not meet the people in person for quite a while. But for some reason I decided to be bold and drove my @ss to Minneapolis.
I'm always shy and nervous at first when i meet people. So i just kinda stood there, not knowing what to say, afraid to move for fear of looking like an idiot. I swear when I heard him tell me i was cuter in person i couldn't quit smiling.. i even pretended i didn't hear it.. to make him say it again.. lol. so anyway. we ended up driving back to my apt to watch movies. The whole car ride i was fidgeting.. My palms were all sweaty and i didn't know what to say.. So we get to my house and Nikki's sittin on my computer in her skirt, knees to the door.. I didn't look but I'm sure you could see up her skirt. I was like.. wtf!
So we go to the living room to watch movies, choosing to watch Super Troopers first. We're sittin there and i could feel his hand next to mine.. his skin was so flippin soft.. and so cold! I kept rubbing my fingers over his hoping he'd hold my hand. But he didn't. So like twice during the movie Nikki comes prancing by to go outside and smoke.. she says she didn't want to smoke in my room but she had been cutting down on smoking and whenever she was on my computer she didn't take smoke breaks. so i didn't really buy it. So anyway, we pop in the second movie, Out Cold, and after a while.. he finally holds my hand. When he ran his fingers along my skin it gave me goosbumps. And it made me smile. So I like laid my head on his sholder and he put his hand around me. All of a sudden he started running his hands across my body. Everyone knows i hate my body. It made me jump and giggle. I wasn't sure if it tickled or if I was just enjoying it or realy prolly both. I liked the way it felt and I liked how he touched me. So softly sending chills down my back and fire between my legs. I kept thinking I just wanted to kiss him.. And when he kissed me his lips on mine were just hot. I have a thing for kissing.. And I liked kissing him. So his hands started to wonder more. And he said we'd have to stop or he'd have to go home and rub one out (i'm use to guys being blunt, but looking back i duno why I didn't stop there) I liked the way it felt to be next to him and I liked the way he touched me. I sure as hell didn't want him to go home. We went into my bedroom to get a little privacy. Honestly I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do anythign with him, because I wanted him to like me for more then that, but I didn't want him to go home. So I let my wants and desires and the thoughts between my legs take over. Before I knew it we were both half nekkid his hands between my legs and my hand on his dick. We kept kissing and he asked me to suck it. Normally in this case I'd say no. and pull away. But I kept kissing him.. And before I knew it.. I was sucking my first dick (i warned you).. I'll leave the details out on that one.. lol.. Since he couldn't get me off I asked if he wanted my vibrator.. Which he ended up using.. He was rough with his hands and though I tried guiding him (I knew how to get myself off so yea.. lol) he listened to what i said for a while but then went back to his ways.
After we messed around he had two cigarettes. We talked for a bit, he said he didnt' want a serious relationship since he had just gotten out of one and neigher did I. But I did want someone to cuddle and kiss. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and I jokingly told him if he wanted that, he'd have to go to the next room. My jaw dropped when he said "I'll keep that in mind" (what kind of guy says that really. I should have known right there to not get in over my head.. becasue I'm not the kind of person that can fool around with a guy and not fall. i knew i was going to fall for him. just the way he felt when he was next to me i knew i liked it already) I was in shock.. and then he decided to tell me "what.. she's cute" but that he could tell by the way she was acting she'd be easy, and he liked a challenge.. Little did I know.. He was willing to make it a challenge.
At 9am I drove him back to his house. I didn't know what to say to him. And I really didn't want this to be the last night that I saw him. When he said goodbye to me he kissed my cheak and told me to take care. driving home i couldnt' quit smiling. I wanted to kiss him again. and i wanted to be next to him..
A week went buy and since he was buisy with work we didn't talk much. Yet he had time to exchange movie quotes with Nikki. I guess I haven't watched anchor man enough to know that when she says "i want on you" and he says "i'd like to extend an invitation to my pants" they are "just quotes" and mean absolutely nothing.. When I confronted Nikki on it, I started crying and fell to the floor. She told me she didnt' want my "sloppy seconds" and that they were just quotes.. I felt stupid.. but so hurt all at the same time.. (this the girl that every week practicaly has a different guy over and has done each of them.. it wasn't that she was lacking attention from guys, maybe the wrong attention, but she got it none the less. but she decided it would be fun to make a friend. which is ok. i mean him and i did discuss it and we were just friends, i didn't care if they were friends. thing that hurts now is she didnt' care that she hurt me or she wouldnt' have emailed him) yup.. the emails.. i read them nikki.. i know exactly what was said.. and that you messaged him first.. still "just movie quotes" So all of a sudden he asks her to go to a concert with him.. my heart dropped.. I didn't care if they hung out.. but why didn't he invite me to the concert? I didn't know what to think. and i didn't know what to feel.. And what made it worse, she sent him her phone number.. She knew I liked him.. and she sent him her phone number (for each of those guys she had over at the house, i knew where she met all of them, i could have gone to their pages on myspace, cupid, and whatever and hit on them, and talked to them.. and "became friends with them" but being a "friend" i knew that wasn't a good idea. i knew that'd only cause drama. and i didn't want that. so i let them all be. I guess she says he added her to myspace, he wouldnt' even add me to myspace.. blah blah blah.....Anyway.. I confronted her again and she lied to me.. yet again.. I swear one can lie so much they start to believe it themselves.. She said she wasn't going to go to the concert and that she told him she couldnt' go..
Saturday night we had a halloween party. I could hardly drink.. And I was starting to feel sick. Like no one showed up.. Yet we got a noise complaint.. Nikki got so bored she called one her ex's.. she had the nerve to look at me and say "maybe if i tell him i'll fuck him he'll come" funny.. she had told me earlier she didn't like how she felt that guys only wanted that.. i wonder why nikki... What she did with him = none my buisness.. Sunday morning I woke up with the worse sore throat. so I decided to go into the doctors. The doc looked at my throat and was like, Even if the innitial test comes back negative I'm still putting you on antibiotics, that's just horible! When he said it was negative the worse thoughts came to mind. I'm the kind of person where if I do something that could cause something else.. and i get those signs, I automatically think I got it.. When the whole stepe test came back negative and my neighbor put it in my head that the boy gave me something while i was giving him head.. i was scared shitless! yet.. the people I thought were my friends.. couldnt' have been further away.
Monday night, a week after I had hung out with Mikey, He called and I decided to go over there again. We watched The Girl Next Door and Butterfly effects.. He kept getting text messages, which I thought was weird since, when I first started texting him. I had to tell him I'd help him pay the .05 for each message just so he'd message me.. *rolls eyes* So we're sitting there and he's jokingly touching me and then he starts rubbing my stomache.. which i admit felt amazing.. but i didn't want it to lead to what it did last time.. so i grabbed his hand and held it.. he just let it sit there.. not running his fingers across my skin like last time.. not even holding my hand back.. so i let go.. and when he started rubbing my stomache again i stopped him.. Soon afer he stole my cell phone.. for some unknown reason and started reading my texts.. so I read his.. It took me like forever to register.. that the same Nikki that he was texting while sittin next to me.. was my roomate.. i didn't know what to say.. I just kinda sat there.. We shouldnt' have gotten into a fight over it. but she just kept lying to me and that fuckin hurt! words can't even describe how empty i felt at that point. I was mad, but I didn't want to go home.. And after the movie he said he was going to lay down. So I went with him. At first I just stood by the door.. I knew what was going to happen.. I was letting my body do the talking again.. I layed next to him and just kind of looked at him. he grabbed my ass.. he said he liked my boobs better.. and being the idiot that i am i rolled over.. we both laughed.. Of course we started making out and soon my pants were down to his ancles his dick in my hands again.. this time, since i wasn't ragging he fingered me. I'v never.. had a guy touch me like that.. and it felt amazing.. He asked me to suck it again.. but this time I wouldnt'.. I was still worried about my throat.. He didn't get me off this time.. But I got him off.. Unlike last time when he got himself off in the end. So we cleaned up and just kind of layed there.. He started getting all fidgety and I couldnt' figure out why.. He said something about him being the only one that slept in that bed.. and that he had anxiety.. When he practicly asked me to go home i was floored.. Wow if that's not a bootay call i'm nieve.. Yet I told him I was too tired to drive.. Put my foot over his and rubbed the back of his head until he fell asleep.. I wrapped myself around him and fell asleep on his sholder.. this being the first time i slept in any guys bed with a guy.. I liked sleeping next to him.. but i didn't sleep very well at all.. I kept waking up and watching him sleep.. trying to figure out why i felt the way i did.. knowing i was ok with just being friends (with the benefits of course) yet.. my heart just beat faster.. In the morning we said our goodbyes and i drove home to go back to bed.. I got the biggest smile on my face when I got home and there was a message on my phone saying "have a good day" funny how the little things can feel so good...
Things were ok for a while.. The next day I got off work and Chris was over.. He had brought a friend with him "for me" but you could tell sex was all they wanted.. So I ended up just going to bed and listening to Chris and Nikki get it on *rolls eyes*.. When I woke up the next day I was still scared about my throat.. I decided to call the doctor.. but they said to let the antibiotics work.. and if it didn't go away after that to come back in.. So I talked to Nikki and she said she'd go to planned parenthood with me. When we got there.. I couldnt' quit shaking.. and when they took me back to the room.. I could feel my palms sweating.. I soon found out, that because I wasn't actually sexually active. and it was only oral they couldnt' actually test for anything.. and that i'd just have to see if my antibiotics worked and if they didn't.. go back to my regular doctor.. which was completely stupid.. cause what if it went away, we messed around and then I just got it again! I was so pissed!
The week went by quickly.. and I hardly talked to Mikey, which made me sad.. But I figured he was buisy with work.. At one point I decided to check out Nikki's page on myspace, and I saw a comment from Mikey to her that said "*insert anchor man coment here, oh was that too sexual for you" i wanted to cry.. it was like he was mocking the fact that i was insecure.. so i emailed him.. and all he could say was to lighten up.. All of a sudden it was Sunday.. the day of this concert.. and when I got home from work, after working a 20 hour weekend.. Nikki was gone.. At the concert obviously.. I didn't sleep like at all.. I kept stairing at the ceeling.. knowing inside she would fuck him.. When I woke up and left for work at 5:30 am she still wasn't home.. My heart sank! Working at 6am was hell.. and my co-workers tried my best to confort me.. but all i could do was stare blankly.. What shocked me more was when I got home.. and then left for school at 5:30 pm.. she still wasn't home.. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.. All I could do was think the worse.. When I got home from class. she told me they didn't do anything.. I wanted to believe her.. but I couldn't.. she was always lying to me.. and after everythign i did for her.. for being my "friend" she wasn't very good at it..
I would NEVER go to a concert with the guy my friend likes, knowing she liked him.. I would NEVER hold his hand.. or dance with him.. I know you can't help who you like.. I live it every day.. But if you are a true friend.. Even if you do "like him" and he does "like you" being my "friend" and knowing how i feel about him.. you wouldn't even think to go there.. The little bit of trust I had for anyone, is now gone.. And the word friend, has no meaning to me at this point..
I'm not sure why I liked or well.. like the boy.. It's quite obvious all I was good for was the sexual stuff.. My insecurities got the best of me, I admit that, they always do. But I was never more then true to myself and true to how i felt. I mad bad choice and I regret every one of them.. So he now wont even talk to me. I guess he thinks that I want to control who he hangs out with.. I could give a shit less.. But the fact remains.. I liked him.. I don't care if him and Nikki are friends.. but them "being together" or wanting to "be together" kills me..
To Nikki: I am dead inside because of you, you make me feel worthless when really you shouldn't have that power over me. You can play the guilt trip of "i'm a bad friend" all you want.. but it wont work this time.. I don't feel sorry for you in the least.. because you are the worst "friend" i'v ever had.. I picked out clothes for you the first time I met you to go to a party. I drove my car 12 hours to Ohio and 12 hours back so you could be with Dave. I suffored through being your fuckin 3rd wheel ALL weekend.. I forgave you after you started liking Jesse after I told you I liked him (ironic isnt' it, how the TWO guys i'v told you I liked you went after.. wow.. great friendship!) I offered you to move out of your house for the first time.. being out on your own.. i helped you get a job at kohls.. i can't even count how much money i'v spent on you.. yet THIS is how you repay me? And I'm supose to care that your a "bad friend"
You thought of no one but yourself, You always do.. (funny Mikey told me he wouldnt' be my friend if i did drugs.. maybe you should tell him you smoke pot sometimes.. see how he feels bout you then).. You are selfish, inconciderate, insecure, you don't care who you hurt (you can pretend to care.. but the scars on my legs speek all).. you are not my friend.. and i chose NOT to forgive you.. Gunna be a long road till next august huh?
To Mikey: I don't own you.. you can talk to whoever you want.. you are an ass.. for saying some of the things you did.. and for making me feel the way you did.. but i sucked your cock.. i'm over it.. hope it was as good for you as it was for me.. how bout havin some STD tests done k...
to you both: I am better off without you.. frankly you didnt' even deserve to know how i feel this much.. but this is the kind of person I am..
So just to warn you this one's gunna be graphic..
About a month ago I was browsing around on myspace. I always do a mass search for people in the Apple Valley area. Within so many miles. I love talking to new people. Though, I always search for the single ones since i do have the tendency to fall. As you all know.. *rolls eyes* So anyway, I came across this profile. I remember smiling when I saw the picture because he looked so innocent.. As conceded as this might sound.. I looked at his pictures and emailed him because I thought that he was cute! lol. (later he asked why i started talking to him, and i really didn't know how to answer) We talked for like a week, I didn't even know his name when he called me.. But we decided to hang out. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. I have this massive fear about meeting people online, that they'll take one look at me and run in the opposite direction. So I tend to not meet the people in person for quite a while. But for some reason I decided to be bold and drove my @ss to Minneapolis.
I'm always shy and nervous at first when i meet people. So i just kinda stood there, not knowing what to say, afraid to move for fear of looking like an idiot. I swear when I heard him tell me i was cuter in person i couldn't quit smiling.. i even pretended i didn't hear it.. to make him say it again.. lol. so anyway. we ended up driving back to my apt to watch movies. The whole car ride i was fidgeting.. My palms were all sweaty and i didn't know what to say.. So we get to my house and Nikki's sittin on my computer in her skirt, knees to the door.. I didn't look but I'm sure you could see up her skirt. I was like.. wtf!
So we go to the living room to watch movies, choosing to watch Super Troopers first. We're sittin there and i could feel his hand next to mine.. his skin was so flippin soft.. and so cold! I kept rubbing my fingers over his hoping he'd hold my hand. But he didn't. So like twice during the movie Nikki comes prancing by to go outside and smoke.. she says she didn't want to smoke in my room but she had been cutting down on smoking and whenever she was on my computer she didn't take smoke breaks. so i didn't really buy it. So anyway, we pop in the second movie, Out Cold, and after a while.. he finally holds my hand. When he ran his fingers along my skin it gave me goosbumps. And it made me smile. So I like laid my head on his sholder and he put his hand around me. All of a sudden he started running his hands across my body. Everyone knows i hate my body. It made me jump and giggle. I wasn't sure if it tickled or if I was just enjoying it or realy prolly both. I liked the way it felt and I liked how he touched me. So softly sending chills down my back and fire between my legs. I kept thinking I just wanted to kiss him.. And when he kissed me his lips on mine were just hot. I have a thing for kissing.. And I liked kissing him. So his hands started to wonder more. And he said we'd have to stop or he'd have to go home and rub one out (i'm use to guys being blunt, but looking back i duno why I didn't stop there) I liked the way it felt to be next to him and I liked the way he touched me. I sure as hell didn't want him to go home. We went into my bedroom to get a little privacy. Honestly I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do anythign with him, because I wanted him to like me for more then that, but I didn't want him to go home. So I let my wants and desires and the thoughts between my legs take over. Before I knew it we were both half nekkid his hands between my legs and my hand on his dick. We kept kissing and he asked me to suck it. Normally in this case I'd say no. and pull away. But I kept kissing him.. And before I knew it.. I was sucking my first dick (i warned you).. I'll leave the details out on that one.. lol.. Since he couldn't get me off I asked if he wanted my vibrator.. Which he ended up using.. He was rough with his hands and though I tried guiding him (I knew how to get myself off so yea.. lol) he listened to what i said for a while but then went back to his ways.
After we messed around he had two cigarettes. We talked for a bit, he said he didnt' want a serious relationship since he had just gotten out of one and neigher did I. But I did want someone to cuddle and kiss. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and I jokingly told him if he wanted that, he'd have to go to the next room. My jaw dropped when he said "I'll keep that in mind" (what kind of guy says that really. I should have known right there to not get in over my head.. becasue I'm not the kind of person that can fool around with a guy and not fall. i knew i was going to fall for him. just the way he felt when he was next to me i knew i liked it already) I was in shock.. and then he decided to tell me "what.. she's cute" but that he could tell by the way she was acting she'd be easy, and he liked a challenge.. Little did I know.. He was willing to make it a challenge.
At 9am I drove him back to his house. I didn't know what to say to him. And I really didn't want this to be the last night that I saw him. When he said goodbye to me he kissed my cheak and told me to take care. driving home i couldnt' quit smiling. I wanted to kiss him again. and i wanted to be next to him..
A week went buy and since he was buisy with work we didn't talk much. Yet he had time to exchange movie quotes with Nikki. I guess I haven't watched anchor man enough to know that when she says "i want on you" and he says "i'd like to extend an invitation to my pants" they are "just quotes" and mean absolutely nothing.. When I confronted Nikki on it, I started crying and fell to the floor. She told me she didnt' want my "sloppy seconds" and that they were just quotes.. I felt stupid.. but so hurt all at the same time.. (this the girl that every week practicaly has a different guy over and has done each of them.. it wasn't that she was lacking attention from guys, maybe the wrong attention, but she got it none the less. but she decided it would be fun to make a friend. which is ok. i mean him and i did discuss it and we were just friends, i didn't care if they were friends. thing that hurts now is she didnt' care that she hurt me or she wouldnt' have emailed him) yup.. the emails.. i read them nikki.. i know exactly what was said.. and that you messaged him first.. still "just movie quotes" So all of a sudden he asks her to go to a concert with him.. my heart dropped.. I didn't care if they hung out.. but why didn't he invite me to the concert? I didn't know what to think. and i didn't know what to feel.. And what made it worse, she sent him her phone number.. She knew I liked him.. and she sent him her phone number (for each of those guys she had over at the house, i knew where she met all of them, i could have gone to their pages on myspace, cupid, and whatever and hit on them, and talked to them.. and "became friends with them" but being a "friend" i knew that wasn't a good idea. i knew that'd only cause drama. and i didn't want that. so i let them all be. I guess she says he added her to myspace, he wouldnt' even add me to myspace.. blah blah blah.....Anyway.. I confronted her again and she lied to me.. yet again.. I swear one can lie so much they start to believe it themselves.. She said she wasn't going to go to the concert and that she told him she couldnt' go..
Saturday night we had a halloween party. I could hardly drink.. And I was starting to feel sick. Like no one showed up.. Yet we got a noise complaint.. Nikki got so bored she called one her ex's.. she had the nerve to look at me and say "maybe if i tell him i'll fuck him he'll come" funny.. she had told me earlier she didn't like how she felt that guys only wanted that.. i wonder why nikki... What she did with him = none my buisness.. Sunday morning I woke up with the worse sore throat. so I decided to go into the doctors. The doc looked at my throat and was like, Even if the innitial test comes back negative I'm still putting you on antibiotics, that's just horible! When he said it was negative the worse thoughts came to mind. I'm the kind of person where if I do something that could cause something else.. and i get those signs, I automatically think I got it.. When the whole stepe test came back negative and my neighbor put it in my head that the boy gave me something while i was giving him head.. i was scared shitless! yet.. the people I thought were my friends.. couldnt' have been further away.
Monday night, a week after I had hung out with Mikey, He called and I decided to go over there again. We watched The Girl Next Door and Butterfly effects.. He kept getting text messages, which I thought was weird since, when I first started texting him. I had to tell him I'd help him pay the .05 for each message just so he'd message me.. *rolls eyes* So we're sitting there and he's jokingly touching me and then he starts rubbing my stomache.. which i admit felt amazing.. but i didn't want it to lead to what it did last time.. so i grabbed his hand and held it.. he just let it sit there.. not running his fingers across my skin like last time.. not even holding my hand back.. so i let go.. and when he started rubbing my stomache again i stopped him.. Soon afer he stole my cell phone.. for some unknown reason and started reading my texts.. so I read his.. It took me like forever to register.. that the same Nikki that he was texting while sittin next to me.. was my roomate.. i didn't know what to say.. I just kinda sat there.. We shouldnt' have gotten into a fight over it. but she just kept lying to me and that fuckin hurt! words can't even describe how empty i felt at that point. I was mad, but I didn't want to go home.. And after the movie he said he was going to lay down. So I went with him. At first I just stood by the door.. I knew what was going to happen.. I was letting my body do the talking again.. I layed next to him and just kind of looked at him. he grabbed my ass.. he said he liked my boobs better.. and being the idiot that i am i rolled over.. we both laughed.. Of course we started making out and soon my pants were down to his ancles his dick in my hands again.. this time, since i wasn't ragging he fingered me. I'v never.. had a guy touch me like that.. and it felt amazing.. He asked me to suck it again.. but this time I wouldnt'.. I was still worried about my throat.. He didn't get me off this time.. But I got him off.. Unlike last time when he got himself off in the end. So we cleaned up and just kind of layed there.. He started getting all fidgety and I couldnt' figure out why.. He said something about him being the only one that slept in that bed.. and that he had anxiety.. When he practicly asked me to go home i was floored.. Wow if that's not a bootay call i'm nieve.. Yet I told him I was too tired to drive.. Put my foot over his and rubbed the back of his head until he fell asleep.. I wrapped myself around him and fell asleep on his sholder.. this being the first time i slept in any guys bed with a guy.. I liked sleeping next to him.. but i didn't sleep very well at all.. I kept waking up and watching him sleep.. trying to figure out why i felt the way i did.. knowing i was ok with just being friends (with the benefits of course) yet.. my heart just beat faster.. In the morning we said our goodbyes and i drove home to go back to bed.. I got the biggest smile on my face when I got home and there was a message on my phone saying "have a good day" funny how the little things can feel so good...
Things were ok for a while.. The next day I got off work and Chris was over.. He had brought a friend with him "for me" but you could tell sex was all they wanted.. So I ended up just going to bed and listening to Chris and Nikki get it on *rolls eyes*.. When I woke up the next day I was still scared about my throat.. I decided to call the doctor.. but they said to let the antibiotics work.. and if it didn't go away after that to come back in.. So I talked to Nikki and she said she'd go to planned parenthood with me. When we got there.. I couldnt' quit shaking.. and when they took me back to the room.. I could feel my palms sweating.. I soon found out, that because I wasn't actually sexually active. and it was only oral they couldnt' actually test for anything.. and that i'd just have to see if my antibiotics worked and if they didn't.. go back to my regular doctor.. which was completely stupid.. cause what if it went away, we messed around and then I just got it again! I was so pissed!
The week went by quickly.. and I hardly talked to Mikey, which made me sad.. But I figured he was buisy with work.. At one point I decided to check out Nikki's page on myspace, and I saw a comment from Mikey to her that said "*insert anchor man coment here, oh was that too sexual for you" i wanted to cry.. it was like he was mocking the fact that i was insecure.. so i emailed him.. and all he could say was to lighten up.. All of a sudden it was Sunday.. the day of this concert.. and when I got home from work, after working a 20 hour weekend.. Nikki was gone.. At the concert obviously.. I didn't sleep like at all.. I kept stairing at the ceeling.. knowing inside she would fuck him.. When I woke up and left for work at 5:30 am she still wasn't home.. My heart sank! Working at 6am was hell.. and my co-workers tried my best to confort me.. but all i could do was stare blankly.. What shocked me more was when I got home.. and then left for school at 5:30 pm.. she still wasn't home.. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.. All I could do was think the worse.. When I got home from class. she told me they didn't do anything.. I wanted to believe her.. but I couldn't.. she was always lying to me.. and after everythign i did for her.. for being my "friend" she wasn't very good at it..
I would NEVER go to a concert with the guy my friend likes, knowing she liked him.. I would NEVER hold his hand.. or dance with him.. I know you can't help who you like.. I live it every day.. But if you are a true friend.. Even if you do "like him" and he does "like you" being my "friend" and knowing how i feel about him.. you wouldn't even think to go there.. The little bit of trust I had for anyone, is now gone.. And the word friend, has no meaning to me at this point..
I'm not sure why I liked or well.. like the boy.. It's quite obvious all I was good for was the sexual stuff.. My insecurities got the best of me, I admit that, they always do. But I was never more then true to myself and true to how i felt. I mad bad choice and I regret every one of them.. So he now wont even talk to me. I guess he thinks that I want to control who he hangs out with.. I could give a shit less.. But the fact remains.. I liked him.. I don't care if him and Nikki are friends.. but them "being together" or wanting to "be together" kills me..
To Nikki: I am dead inside because of you, you make me feel worthless when really you shouldn't have that power over me. You can play the guilt trip of "i'm a bad friend" all you want.. but it wont work this time.. I don't feel sorry for you in the least.. because you are the worst "friend" i'v ever had.. I picked out clothes for you the first time I met you to go to a party. I drove my car 12 hours to Ohio and 12 hours back so you could be with Dave. I suffored through being your fuckin 3rd wheel ALL weekend.. I forgave you after you started liking Jesse after I told you I liked him (ironic isnt' it, how the TWO guys i'v told you I liked you went after.. wow.. great friendship!) I offered you to move out of your house for the first time.. being out on your own.. i helped you get a job at kohls.. i can't even count how much money i'v spent on you.. yet THIS is how you repay me? And I'm supose to care that your a "bad friend"
You thought of no one but yourself, You always do.. (funny Mikey told me he wouldnt' be my friend if i did drugs.. maybe you should tell him you smoke pot sometimes.. see how he feels bout you then).. You are selfish, inconciderate, insecure, you don't care who you hurt (you can pretend to care.. but the scars on my legs speek all).. you are not my friend.. and i chose NOT to forgive you.. Gunna be a long road till next august huh?
To Mikey: I don't own you.. you can talk to whoever you want.. you are an ass.. for saying some of the things you did.. and for making me feel the way you did.. but i sucked your cock.. i'm over it.. hope it was as good for you as it was for me.. how bout havin some STD tests done k...
to you both: I am better off without you.. frankly you didnt' even deserve to know how i feel this much.. but this is the kind of person I am..