Oh instincts are missleading, you shouldn't think what you're feeling...
I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me, I mean I can be fine one minute and the next I am crying my eyes out and feeling utterly depressed, or feeling nothing at all. the depressed thing I can handle I guess I mean everyone has down days right? but the whole numb thing is not good and I dont know how to stop it or how to stop what causes it or how to handle it. Which since most of you know I am a control freak anyways is pretty scary. It seems sometimes as if my feelings are not my own and I mean that in a couple of ways
1. they are not my own in the sense that I have no way whatsoever of truly understanding them most days. Something has to be really extreme for me to even recognise what it is sometimes.
2. Sometimes it feels like what I am feeling is not actually my feelings at all. they have no place in my life and no relevence to what is going on and yet they are there and that is just messed up.
Some feelings where loss of control is exhilerating like that rush you get when someone you like does or says something sweet and you get those butterflies and you just love the world because you are uncontrollably happy.
But the feeling of numbness or sadness for no aparent reason? yah I can't reconcile myself to that so easily. I will go so far as to say I don't like it but that would be a bit redundant.
I just want to understand why it is I have times when I revert to the Katie of 2 years ago who didnt even cry when her mother attempted suicide. Shortly after that I started to care again. Someone made me care and for a while i didn't look back but now it feels as if I am being pulled back into this self destructive numbness where I cant care about a thing one minute and someone saying hi to me has me in tears the next.
It happened again tonight. I had a fairly mind numbing day and for no real reason was just feeling kinda down. It all came out at a really horrible time as it had been under control until then. All of a sudden I just wanted to cry and now he thinks its because of her which isn't true, I have pretty much resigned myself to things in that whole situation just it was around then that this feeling that had been building all day decided to come out. Great timing as always Katie.
I wish this headache would go away
I wish that I could sleep at night
I wish I could eat during the day
I wish I could know why I am feeling the way I am
I just wish I would stop being this way
1. they are not my own in the sense that I have no way whatsoever of truly understanding them most days. Something has to be really extreme for me to even recognise what it is sometimes.
2. Sometimes it feels like what I am feeling is not actually my feelings at all. they have no place in my life and no relevence to what is going on and yet they are there and that is just messed up.
Some feelings where loss of control is exhilerating like that rush you get when someone you like does or says something sweet and you get those butterflies and you just love the world because you are uncontrollably happy.
But the feeling of numbness or sadness for no aparent reason? yah I can't reconcile myself to that so easily. I will go so far as to say I don't like it but that would be a bit redundant.
I just want to understand why it is I have times when I revert to the Katie of 2 years ago who didnt even cry when her mother attempted suicide. Shortly after that I started to care again. Someone made me care and for a while i didn't look back but now it feels as if I am being pulled back into this self destructive numbness where I cant care about a thing one minute and someone saying hi to me has me in tears the next.
It happened again tonight. I had a fairly mind numbing day and for no real reason was just feeling kinda down. It all came out at a really horrible time as it had been under control until then. All of a sudden I just wanted to cry and now he thinks its because of her which isn't true, I have pretty much resigned myself to things in that whole situation just it was around then that this feeling that had been building all day decided to come out. Great timing as always Katie.
I wish this headache would go away
I wish that I could sleep at night
I wish I could eat during the day
I wish I could know why I am feeling the way I am
I just wish I would stop being this way