(no subject)
Last week, I met my roommate's co-worker, A., at an after-work drinks thing. A. was absolutely gorgeous, and he and I hit it off well. Nothing happened, of course, I just had a good, natural conversation with him, something which I find rarely happens at after-work schmoozers (usually the combination of suits and too many legal people in one place makes it impossible for me to ever get beyond the superficial small talk/working the room stage).
That night, I arrived home slightly after my roommate and, somewhat drunkenly, told him how great I thought A. is. Roommate informs me that A. has a girlfriend. Instead of being disappointed and letting it go, I reply "so? I can break them up - relationships don't mean much anyway."
In the sober light of day, I profess that I probably can't actually break them up. However, why I'm still thinking about this several days later has nothing to do with A., and all to do with my reaction when my roommate told me he was involved. Have I really become so cynical that I'd be willing to stomp all over someone's happiness in order to find some sort of personal gratification? And do I have so little faith in men that I now believe that they all take the same lassiez-faire attitude to relationships as my ex, and most of the other guys I've been involved with?
Admittedly, my personal experiences with men have, on the whole, been fairly abysmal. But at the same time, I do know people who are in very happy relationships; I have girlfriends who are dating seemingly wonderful men, and I have male friends who know how to treat women with respect. Have I just been involved with so many scummy guys that I'm starting to learn from them and act like scum myself? Or have I just learned enough now to take Pat Benetar's corny 80's song advice, that "love is a battlefield," to heart? Are my optimistic friends such simply because they haven't yet had a reason to become jaded? Or is the fact that I'm so jaded linked to the fact that I tend to get involved with bad men? Do I expect the worst and then get it because my expectations are so low?
I don't think of myself as a naturally cynical person - in terms of my general worldview, I think I'm fairly optimistic. After all, one does not aspire to a career in human rights work if you don't believe that things can be changed for the better. I usually believe in the best in people, be it that the prisoners at Collins Bay can get their lives together, or that the homeless guy that I give a dollar to is going to use it for food, not booze. However, when it comes to relationships, and especially to my own relationships, I'm a jaded, cynical bitch. And I don't know if I like that at all.
That night, I arrived home slightly after my roommate and, somewhat drunkenly, told him how great I thought A. is. Roommate informs me that A. has a girlfriend. Instead of being disappointed and letting it go, I reply "so? I can break them up - relationships don't mean much anyway."
In the sober light of day, I profess that I probably can't actually break them up. However, why I'm still thinking about this several days later has nothing to do with A., and all to do with my reaction when my roommate told me he was involved. Have I really become so cynical that I'd be willing to stomp all over someone's happiness in order to find some sort of personal gratification? And do I have so little faith in men that I now believe that they all take the same lassiez-faire attitude to relationships as my ex, and most of the other guys I've been involved with?
Admittedly, my personal experiences with men have, on the whole, been fairly abysmal. But at the same time, I do know people who are in very happy relationships; I have girlfriends who are dating seemingly wonderful men, and I have male friends who know how to treat women with respect. Have I just been involved with so many scummy guys that I'm starting to learn from them and act like scum myself? Or have I just learned enough now to take Pat Benetar's corny 80's song advice, that "love is a battlefield," to heart? Are my optimistic friends such simply because they haven't yet had a reason to become jaded? Or is the fact that I'm so jaded linked to the fact that I tend to get involved with bad men? Do I expect the worst and then get it because my expectations are so low?
I don't think of myself as a naturally cynical person - in terms of my general worldview, I think I'm fairly optimistic. After all, one does not aspire to a career in human rights work if you don't believe that things can be changed for the better. I usually believe in the best in people, be it that the prisoners at Collins Bay can get their lives together, or that the homeless guy that I give a dollar to is going to use it for food, not booze. However, when it comes to relationships, and especially to my own relationships, I'm a jaded, cynical bitch. And I don't know if I like that at all.