Sleep when you die....
My recent dealings with Insomnia is getting old real quick. I don't know what could be causing it all of a sudden though, as I have never really had a problem with sleeping. Is it my mind? Afraid of the dreams, which I can never recall? Maybe my subconscious can't bear the images anylonger and simple refuses to allow them. I can't know because I can never remember. Everyday I wake up and its as if I was only in my bed for an instant. Maybe thats normal. But from what I understand Normal people have dreams. I almost never do. I begin to wonder what affect that has on a person.
Today marks 7 years. Atleast I think its seven years. Dec. 9th 1997. Thats 7 right? I finder it harder and harder to recall them. I find it harder and harder to recall any memories of her or of my life before. Try as I may, it seems that this life has been my only one and that she, she was only ever in my dreams. Maybe thats why I don't dream anymore. Now that she is gone so are they. Was that what it all was?
I wish a thousand times that I hadn't tried to erase those memories to try and ease the pain. And I wish a thousand more that I had died instead of her. All that I have done, all that I have become, it doesn't mean a thing. She touched more lives than I could ever hope for. I've done nothing to compare to even half the good she created, nor do I think I ever could. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I hope she knows how much I miss her. That I think of her everynight before I go to sleep and I stare at her picture and wonder...
The last things said between the two of us were said in anger. I hate myself for it. The last things I heard her say, "I don't like you" it tears through me. Though I know she didn't mean it, its hard to imagine. Imagine the last thing you ever heard somebody who ment the world to you say were those? What would it do to you? I know I'm not perfect. I make my mistakes and I paid for them, some I still pay for.
I know this must be getting old year after year so my apologies. And don't fear for me, I'm not going anywhere. My age old saying prevails, "I can't die yet, God isn't done tormenting me".
--Al
Today marks 7 years. Atleast I think its seven years. Dec. 9th 1997. Thats 7 right? I finder it harder and harder to recall them. I find it harder and harder to recall any memories of her or of my life before. Try as I may, it seems that this life has been my only one and that she, she was only ever in my dreams. Maybe thats why I don't dream anymore. Now that she is gone so are they. Was that what it all was?
I wish a thousand times that I hadn't tried to erase those memories to try and ease the pain. And I wish a thousand more that I had died instead of her. All that I have done, all that I have become, it doesn't mean a thing. She touched more lives than I could ever hope for. I've done nothing to compare to even half the good she created, nor do I think I ever could. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I hope she knows how much I miss her. That I think of her everynight before I go to sleep and I stare at her picture and wonder...
The last things said between the two of us were said in anger. I hate myself for it. The last things I heard her say, "I don't like you" it tears through me. Though I know she didn't mean it, its hard to imagine. Imagine the last thing you ever heard somebody who ment the world to you say were those? What would it do to you? I know I'm not perfect. I make my mistakes and I paid for them, some I still pay for.
I know this must be getting old year after year so my apologies. And don't fear for me, I'm not going anywhere. My age old saying prevails, "I can't die yet, God isn't done tormenting me".
--Al