(no subject)
I have a job. I haven't started yet.. it's a start up company that opens on December 4th (this is the second time I've began a job on the day of my birth, which is somewhat ironic). But I am so anxious to began working because I have been couped up in this apartment doing nothing but thinking. Ok, so that's somewhat of a lie. Yesterday I drank coffee induced with Starbucks liqueur, blared songs such as "Fergalicious" and "My Love", dressed up (or down, I guess you could say) and took some risque pictures. I can't say I look HUGE in them, but my stomach definitely is not where I would like it to be.
I went home to Orlando the other week and while I was there, I went to the doctor and received an accurate weight - 125. Doesn't sound like much at all for someone who's 5'7'', but you all know exactly how I feel when I say *I* think it's too much for me. I'm more comfortable 15 pounds lighter, or more. I've been skipping meals a lot lately, so I'm sure the weight is fluctuating, but I don't like to weigh myself every day or even every week.. it messes too much with my mind. For lunch today I had chicken broth with some chives. It really is filling for only 5 calories a cube. But my goodness, I can sweat for years on just one bowl of that sodium rich liquid.
I'm not sure if I have a drinking problem or not. It's so hard to tell. I'm addicted to way too many things to know which is worse. I'm addicted to being thin and starving.. I'm addicted to turning to a drink to relax me.. I guess so long as I avoid drugs that I'm being "good". My father's life is currently going down the drain due to crack, or maybe worse. He lost his $350,000 home.. yep, completely foreclosed on. He's at least 400,000 in debt. And living where, who knows. The last time I saw him he squeezed my belly "fat" and asked, "What's that?" So humiliating.
I'm starting to post ads for a best friend. Ha. Seriously, I am in diar need of a best friend.. who is a girl. I'm so lonely here in this big city FULL of people. I am going to sign papers for my job tomorrow.. I can't wait.. I love walking around Manhattan.
I went home to Orlando the other week and while I was there, I went to the doctor and received an accurate weight - 125. Doesn't sound like much at all for someone who's 5'7'', but you all know exactly how I feel when I say *I* think it's too much for me. I'm more comfortable 15 pounds lighter, or more. I've been skipping meals a lot lately, so I'm sure the weight is fluctuating, but I don't like to weigh myself every day or even every week.. it messes too much with my mind. For lunch today I had chicken broth with some chives. It really is filling for only 5 calories a cube. But my goodness, I can sweat for years on just one bowl of that sodium rich liquid.
I'm not sure if I have a drinking problem or not. It's so hard to tell. I'm addicted to way too many things to know which is worse. I'm addicted to being thin and starving.. I'm addicted to turning to a drink to relax me.. I guess so long as I avoid drugs that I'm being "good". My father's life is currently going down the drain due to crack, or maybe worse. He lost his $350,000 home.. yep, completely foreclosed on. He's at least 400,000 in debt. And living where, who knows. The last time I saw him he squeezed my belly "fat" and asked, "What's that?" So humiliating.
I'm starting to post ads for a best friend. Ha. Seriously, I am in diar need of a best friend.. who is a girl. I'm so lonely here in this big city FULL of people. I am going to sign papers for my job tomorrow.. I can't wait.. I love walking around Manhattan.