(no subject)
I try my best to push him away subtly but find it impossible; he's just completely sweet and so good to me. Just last night while eating dinner in his room, the fire alarm in the dorms went off so we all rushed outside. He let me wear his baseball sweats since it was cold. We got out there, and infront of half our friends, he hugged me so tight to shelter me from the brisk winds. He kissed me and I felt like I was the belle of the ball.. as if everyone was staring in envy. Just as quick as I held onto that moment of confidence, I lost it. As I waited for him by his door (when we were let back into the building we got split up) I heard him around the corner talking to one of the girls on the softball team. I don't know her well; there's a split between those who like her and those who don't - but I don't follow popular opinions.. I make my own. Still, she's thin.. probably the thinnest, most elegant girl at this school. I watch her int he caf.. cutting up her cucumbers and barely chewing her unseasoned salad.. she has such control and I'm jealous of her for that. He stopped to talk to her and as he laughed at something she'd said, this pain struck me. I felt like such an idiot! It was jealousy I was feeling.. jealousy because my guy was talking to a girl. I haven't felt that since Chris.. and I promised myself that if I ever felt that again, I'd end things because it's so unhealthy to be jealous. Ok, jealousy is natural - that I accept. But jealousy because my guy talks to a girl, in a completely plutonic fashion? Unacceptable.
Once he met with me again, I had developed a headache. Inside my head I was repeating, "this is it.. you need to end things." I completely distanced myself from him at that moment. I blamed it on my headache but I knew what I was doing. Still, his kisses and hugs couldn't be guarded and I slowly let the temporary walls fall again. As I kissed him goodnight he asked me what I was doing for Easter. I told him nothing and he said, "My mom wants to know if you'd like to have dinner with us. It'll be at my grandparent's." Dinner.. with the family.. on a holiday - it's not something you do with someone you're casually dating. And for his mom to invite me? It's a pretty big deal in my book.
I remember after breaking up with Chris, I had to start from scratch and rebuild the confidence I had lost. I am still insecure.. but I was confident and I admit, I got cocky. Suddenly, I had all these guys wanting to date me and I played them like puppets. Of course, it was something I was doing because I had never held so many cards before.. and I've since matured and learned not to play with hearts of other's. But.. what happened to that confidence I had? The confidence where I'd go on a date with a guy and not worry about where things were going with him because there were boys lined up if he lost out? I need to take that back. Yes, I am lucky to have found Matt.. but he's just as lucky to have found me. And if things don't work out with him, then they're not meant to be. It's hard to accept that concept, but it's life and I must deal with it.
In less than two months I will be back in Orlando.. back in my "comfort zone".. back with my best friend/sister Casey, who makes my world complete. And three months following that I will be starting at a new university.. just 2 hours from home.. with 40,000 students and plenty of opportunity. If Matt and I can't work with a long distance relationship, then I'll be fine.. because there are other guys out there. And if Matt and I are meant to be, it'll happen. But like Green Day sang, "You can't go forcing something if it's just not right." So true.
Once he met with me again, I had developed a headache. Inside my head I was repeating, "this is it.. you need to end things." I completely distanced myself from him at that moment. I blamed it on my headache but I knew what I was doing. Still, his kisses and hugs couldn't be guarded and I slowly let the temporary walls fall again. As I kissed him goodnight he asked me what I was doing for Easter. I told him nothing and he said, "My mom wants to know if you'd like to have dinner with us. It'll be at my grandparent's." Dinner.. with the family.. on a holiday - it's not something you do with someone you're casually dating. And for his mom to invite me? It's a pretty big deal in my book.
I remember after breaking up with Chris, I had to start from scratch and rebuild the confidence I had lost. I am still insecure.. but I was confident and I admit, I got cocky. Suddenly, I had all these guys wanting to date me and I played them like puppets. Of course, it was something I was doing because I had never held so many cards before.. and I've since matured and learned not to play with hearts of other's. But.. what happened to that confidence I had? The confidence where I'd go on a date with a guy and not worry about where things were going with him because there were boys lined up if he lost out? I need to take that back. Yes, I am lucky to have found Matt.. but he's just as lucky to have found me. And if things don't work out with him, then they're not meant to be. It's hard to accept that concept, but it's life and I must deal with it.
In less than two months I will be back in Orlando.. back in my "comfort zone".. back with my best friend/sister Casey, who makes my world complete. And three months following that I will be starting at a new university.. just 2 hours from home.. with 40,000 students and plenty of opportunity. If Matt and I can't work with a long distance relationship, then I'll be fine.. because there are other guys out there. And if Matt and I are meant to be, it'll happen. But like Green Day sang, "You can't go forcing something if it's just not right." So true.