(no subject)
I feel so full (literally) and so empty (figuratively). I don't understand the full feeling, to be honest; I haven't had a proper meal since Saturday, and while I've munched on things here and there, it's not been enough to bloat me like I am; I just don't get it. I've gained so much now that skipping a day's meal doesn't make my stomach flat like it used to.. that's sickening. Oh well, I've got to move onward with my weight loss ambition. The empty party? Well, perhaps empty isn't the most suitable word for what's going on in my head: it's as if every emotion, thought, and fear has rolled itself up into one big ball of tangled webs.. the ball repeatedly bouncing from one side of my head to the other, causing an imaginary headache. I can't think, yet at the same time, I'm thinking too much - and reading that sentence myself doesn't make sense. I took some NyQuil because I enjoy the dizzy, numbing feeling it gives me.. I remember taking this stuff every single day and sometimes twice a day just to escape reality.
Matt and I talked about our situation on Tuesday night. I asked him what we should do; he said, "You've been hurt before; maybe we shouldn't get too serious." (I thought to myself, 'easy for you to say..' yeah, like I can like him to a point and just stop myself there.) I asked, "So, should we just be friends?" He said, "I don't know.. I kinda like what we've got going here." Later he said, "It's not like it'd be a problem for me to come see you; I can fly for free anytime. But would I have time between baseball and work, that's the problem." I would never ask him to try anything long distance anyhow. So we basically got nothing accomplished. But I keep hearing his voice in my head, over and over, saying, "we shouldn't get too serious". I find myself wanting to push him away. It's my defense mechanism. I'm not doing it conciously.. well, yes I am, but not really, if that makes any sense.
I didn't speak with him at all yesterday. I went to sleep at 7:30pm and ignored his IMs and phone call. And today I made it through most of the day without talking to him.. but I didn't want to seem like a jerk so I IMed him a little bit ago. I was extremely short.. read convo:
Matt: hey beautiful
(couple minutes later)
me: hi
Matt: hey baby
me: hey
Matt: how r u
me: im ok.. how was lifting
Matt: great....i look really huge right now
Matt: i worked out with tony
me: oh goodness
me: well im happy for you
Matt: is everything okay
me: ya
Matt: so r u gonna hang out for a little bit tonight
me: sure
Matt: good, i have lot of reading to do tonight but i wanna see u for a little bit
me: ok.. well just let me know when
Matt: u can count on it
Matt: so wat r u doin right now?
me: laying in bed
Matt: u r sooo cute u kno that
me: noooo
Matt: yes
me: can i borrow final destination tonight?
Matt: only for a kiss
me: thats fair
Matt: okay then make it like 10 kisses
Matt: and a hug
me: talk about fast inflation
Matt: take it or leave it
me: ill take it
Matt: yes
Matt: awesome
Matt: okay babe
Matt: im gonna shower
Matt: ill call u in a little bit
me: ok
Each time he'd say something sweet (the cute part, and the kiss part), I cringed. I really don't want him to say things that will provoke me, or make it harder for me to push him away. I know you guys keep telling me not to, but I can't help it.. it's what I do. And I know I shouldn't see him tonight, but I can't go back on my word. I don't want him to see me right now.. I'm not sure I can be convincing enough to make him believe I'm ok. I haven't smiled basically all day.. how can I smile for him?
Matt and I talked about our situation on Tuesday night. I asked him what we should do; he said, "You've been hurt before; maybe we shouldn't get too serious." (I thought to myself, 'easy for you to say..' yeah, like I can like him to a point and just stop myself there.) I asked, "So, should we just be friends?" He said, "I don't know.. I kinda like what we've got going here." Later he said, "It's not like it'd be a problem for me to come see you; I can fly for free anytime. But would I have time between baseball and work, that's the problem." I would never ask him to try anything long distance anyhow. So we basically got nothing accomplished. But I keep hearing his voice in my head, over and over, saying, "we shouldn't get too serious". I find myself wanting to push him away. It's my defense mechanism. I'm not doing it conciously.. well, yes I am, but not really, if that makes any sense.
I didn't speak with him at all yesterday. I went to sleep at 7:30pm and ignored his IMs and phone call. And today I made it through most of the day without talking to him.. but I didn't want to seem like a jerk so I IMed him a little bit ago. I was extremely short.. read convo:
Matt: hey beautiful
(couple minutes later)
me: hi
Matt: hey baby
me: hey
Matt: how r u
me: im ok.. how was lifting
Matt: great....i look really huge right now
Matt: i worked out with tony
me: oh goodness
me: well im happy for you
Matt: is everything okay
me: ya
Matt: so r u gonna hang out for a little bit tonight
me: sure
Matt: good, i have lot of reading to do tonight but i wanna see u for a little bit
me: ok.. well just let me know when
Matt: u can count on it
Matt: so wat r u doin right now?
me: laying in bed
Matt: u r sooo cute u kno that
me: noooo
Matt: yes
me: can i borrow final destination tonight?
Matt: only for a kiss
me: thats fair
Matt: okay then make it like 10 kisses
Matt: and a hug
me: talk about fast inflation
Matt: take it or leave it
me: ill take it
Matt: yes
Matt: awesome
Matt: okay babe
Matt: im gonna shower
Matt: ill call u in a little bit
me: ok
Each time he'd say something sweet (the cute part, and the kiss part), I cringed. I really don't want him to say things that will provoke me, or make it harder for me to push him away. I know you guys keep telling me not to, but I can't help it.. it's what I do. And I know I shouldn't see him tonight, but I can't go back on my word. I don't want him to see me right now.. I'm not sure I can be convincing enough to make him believe I'm ok. I haven't smiled basically all day.. how can I smile for him?