(no subject)

[broke_n]

I want to start off first by apologizing for my absence. I guess I have no valid excuse other than distractions and laziness. And I really wish I could give good news right now.. I mean, things have been so good.. but something just happened and I have no one else to tell.. and I can't stop crying or shaking.. my teeth are chattering and I feel so sick to my stomach. I don't know what I was thinking.. why did I go down to his room? I am so stupid that perhaps I deserved this. So anyways, we were watching a movie and he kept insisting on kissing my neck and I just laid there, sort of bored and a bit annoyed by it.. but I didn't stop him. Next thing I know he's taking his clothes off, and mine as well - I didn't stop him.. I knew what was going to happen.. we've done this many times before. I kept promising myself that I wouldn't fall back into this routine with him, but I'm a sucker for any sort of affection, even if it's the raw-getting-used-sex. So there he was, on top of me.. everything was pretty much like any other time. But suddenly I felt his hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing just barely to where I was still able to breath fine.. but I knew this wasn't right - he shouldn't have his hands there. Still, I let him go on because he pulled away and pulled me ontop of him. He continued to grab my neck, forcing me down to his body, saying the words, "Come on, Devon.. f*ck me hard, Devon.. don't just sit there.. come on, what are you doing? F*ck me! F*ck me!" By this time I was almost in tears and wishing it would end.. but the words "stop" and "no" couldn't seem to sneak past my lips, even though my mind was screaming so loudly. Again he pushed me over and got ontop of me, continuing with this horrible language and forcefulness of his, grabbing my throat once more.. only this time, the tears began to pour from my eyes - both out of fear and hurt - and I pulled away from him. He tried to force me back ontop of him but I finally was able to say stop. I threw myself off of him and began crying, unable to look at him.. feeling so incredibly violated. He continued to try to kiss me for a while until he realized I was crying.. then he began to apologize, saying how much he cared about me and would never want to hurt me. I couldn't look at him.. I just kept crying.. I said, "I need to go, Matt." He wouldn't let me go. I kept reaching for my clothes to which he kept taking from me and throwing them further away. I continued to demand through my teeth, "LET ME GO, MATT.." this went on for about 10 minutes.. it felt like forever. I just wanted to run out of his room and fall to the floor and cry. It was so hard to leave.. and once he finally realized what he had done, I think he panicked, thinking I was going to run and tell somebody. What would I tell them? That things got rough while we were having sex? It's not like he raped me.. I never said no. Though, if I could imagine what being raped feels like, this is definitely as close as it gets to the real thing. I feel so used, so violated, so gross and disgusted and hurt. My neck hurts, my stomach hurts, my sides hurt from where he grabbed me.. I hate this feeling. And I can't talk to anyone.. I'm just a disgusting whore who let him have his way.. damnit. I don't feel like going to practice tomorrow.. I really can't - physically and mentally, I just can't. I emailed both my coaches and intend on calling them tomorrow. I basically said that it's something extremely personal because I don't want to explain what happened to them. I hope they don't try to dig into the problem.. and I hope they don't think I'm just slacking off.

If you try to send me a message on MSN, excuse me if I don't answer. I'm always logged in as "signed on" but I'm hardly ever at my computer. I'm sorry my first entry back had to be like this, girls.. I really hope things for you are going well.. I miss you and heart you all..