(no subject)
what do I really want?
I don't really want to not do well in school
i don't really want to be disorganized
I don't really want to feel like a failure
and I really really don't want to be this miserable person for the rest of my life.
Someone said "think of where you'll be in 10 years"
someone said "don't think so much- you're too busy to think so much"
someone said " just get through tomorrow, do that everyday, and you'll do fine."
someone said " do it for your parents"
someone said " do it to say "F*** you to everyone who every told you you had to go to college and be someone you don't want to be"
soneone said "Do it for yourself."
none of these people can show me how to do this. I have to learn how to help myself.
okay...so....
...do I love music?
so much it the idea of not being able to sing physically hurts, a deep pain in the pit of my stomach.
...do I want to graduate from college?
YES! YES YES YES YES I want to be DONE with this degree and this place where I get cyclically depressed and apathetic! and I want to start something new...NOW!
...yes, but do I want to have this degree? do I want to be a performance major?
yes. but mostly I want to get out of college. I love singing, but I'm afraid of my own major! I feel like I'm not good enough and I wont' be prepared enough when i graduate! I feel like I'm too far off base to do this!
is it to late to change all this?
NO NO NO NO NO!
ALRIGHT THEN.
....what do I really want?
I know what I DON'T want more than I know what I DO want.
but these things I know that I want.
I want to SING!
I want to be a good student!
I want other people to be proud of me.
I want to not hate myself.
I want to never live like this again.
I want to be a new person
I want to be a stronger person
I want to be a more mature person
I want to change my life
I want to change the world.
I want to love people more than myself.
i want to be willing to sacrifice my own convience and comfort for someone else.
i want to be more considerate of other people when I make decisions.
I want to earn the respect of my teachers, my peers, my co workers.
I want to have the motivation to succeed.
I want to know that I know that I know that I will never be this person ever again.
I hate this person.
Okay...so I want, I want, I want. but am I going to want these things forever and not do anything about them? am I going to dream of the things I want to do with my life, and watch everything fall part while I sit on the sidelines of my own existence, apathetic?
NO.
" The only person in this room who thinks you can't do it, Amanda, is you. Everyone else KNOWS you can do it. You're convinced you can't, and you tell yourself that everyday."- Mrs. Ashley
- its true.
Its time for this to change. Seriously.
I'm not just going to live in this despair anymore
I won't hate myself anymore
I won't make excuses for myself anymore
I'm weak now, but I won't be forever.
there are reserves in me, untapped.
there is a flame in me, undiminished.
I can't just wait for God to change my life, when I'm not doing anything to be obedient to where he's called me to be right now.
God's can't change me if I'm too afraid to take a leap and trust him arms to catch me.
I will take JOY in the mundanity of my life right now.
I will NOT finish feeling like I've done less than I could
I will push myself to my limit
I will test my own boundaries.
I will FINISH THIS SEMESTER.
and I will pass ALL of my classes.
I don't really want to not do well in school
i don't really want to be disorganized
I don't really want to feel like a failure
and I really really don't want to be this miserable person for the rest of my life.
Someone said "think of where you'll be in 10 years"
someone said "don't think so much- you're too busy to think so much"
someone said " just get through tomorrow, do that everyday, and you'll do fine."
someone said " do it for your parents"
someone said " do it to say "F*** you to everyone who every told you you had to go to college and be someone you don't want to be"
soneone said "Do it for yourself."
none of these people can show me how to do this. I have to learn how to help myself.
okay...so....
...do I love music?
so much it the idea of not being able to sing physically hurts, a deep pain in the pit of my stomach.
...do I want to graduate from college?
YES! YES YES YES YES I want to be DONE with this degree and this place where I get cyclically depressed and apathetic! and I want to start something new...NOW!
...yes, but do I want to have this degree? do I want to be a performance major?
yes. but mostly I want to get out of college. I love singing, but I'm afraid of my own major! I feel like I'm not good enough and I wont' be prepared enough when i graduate! I feel like I'm too far off base to do this!
is it to late to change all this?
NO NO NO NO NO!
ALRIGHT THEN.
....what do I really want?
I know what I DON'T want more than I know what I DO want.
but these things I know that I want.
I want to SING!
I want to be a good student!
I want other people to be proud of me.
I want to not hate myself.
I want to never live like this again.
I want to be a new person
I want to be a stronger person
I want to be a more mature person
I want to change my life
I want to change the world.
I want to love people more than myself.
i want to be willing to sacrifice my own convience and comfort for someone else.
i want to be more considerate of other people when I make decisions.
I want to earn the respect of my teachers, my peers, my co workers.
I want to have the motivation to succeed.
I want to know that I know that I know that I will never be this person ever again.
I hate this person.
Okay...so I want, I want, I want. but am I going to want these things forever and not do anything about them? am I going to dream of the things I want to do with my life, and watch everything fall part while I sit on the sidelines of my own existence, apathetic?
NO.
" The only person in this room who thinks you can't do it, Amanda, is you. Everyone else KNOWS you can do it. You're convinced you can't, and you tell yourself that everyday."- Mrs. Ashley
- its true.
Its time for this to change. Seriously.
I'm not just going to live in this despair anymore
I won't hate myself anymore
I won't make excuses for myself anymore
I'm weak now, but I won't be forever.
there are reserves in me, untapped.
there is a flame in me, undiminished.
I can't just wait for God to change my life, when I'm not doing anything to be obedient to where he's called me to be right now.
God's can't change me if I'm too afraid to take a leap and trust him arms to catch me.
I will take JOY in the mundanity of my life right now.
I will NOT finish feeling like I've done less than I could
I will push myself to my limit
I will test my own boundaries.
I will FINISH THIS SEMESTER.
and I will pass ALL of my classes.