The Bro Code, Part 3
120. A bro always calls another bro by his last name. (Exception: If a bro's last name is also a racial epithet).
PARADISA COROLLARY: Or if the bro only has one name. (Examples: Crowley, Lorne, Reno.)
121. Even if a bro has never been skiing before, he does not trifle with the bunny slope.
122. A bro is always psyched. ALWAYS.
123. Two bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them when on the same dance floor.
124. If a bro should shoot an airball, strike out playing softball, or throw a gutterball while bowling, he is required to make some excuse for himself.
125. If a bro is driving ahead of another bro, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic, as a funny joke.
126. In a scenario where two or more bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, each bro is forbidden from touching the others in any capacity.
PARADISA COROLLARY: Yes, even if one or more of said bros is on a chick-loss.
127. A bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team.
128. A bro will always help another bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick, or repeatedly saying "I love you" to his bros.
129. If a bro lends another bro a DVD, a game, or a piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back.
PARADISA COROLLARY: Like I said. Ask for a new one and this doesn't even matter.
130. If a bro learns another bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what kind of car, and whether it got totaled, before asking if the bro is OK.
131. While a bro is not expected to know how to change a tire, he is at least required to drag out the jack before pretending to assess the flat.
132. If a bro decides to let all of his bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancee.
133. A bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other bro. (Exception: Pull my finger.)
134. A bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman.
135. If a scenario arises in which a bro has promised two of his bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: 1. Footrace to the car. 2. Silent auction. 3. A no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
136. When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a bro shall offer nothing more than a disinterested "Mmh, it was okay".
CORROLARY: A bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party.
137. When hosting, a bro orders enough pizza for all of his bros.
138. A real bro doesn't laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin. (Exception: Unless he doesn't know the guy.)
139. Regardless of voracity, a bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical.
140. A bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date. This is called The Lemon Law.
141. A bro can only get a manicure if he's trying to sleep with the manicurist, or it's been over a month since his last manicure. (It's called the Bro Code, not the Slob Code).
142. A bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
143. When executing a high five, a bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his bro's hand.
144. It is unacceptable for two bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows on floor combinations.
145. A bro is never offended if another bro fails to return a phone call, text, or email in a timely fashion.
146. A bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his bros.
147. If a bro sees another bro get into a fight, he immediately has his bro's back.
(Exceptions: If his bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy, if this is the third fight this week, or if the bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anyone's back.)
PARADISA COROLLARY: Get one of those super-powered dudes to do it. They seem to enjoy that sort of thing.
148. A bro doesn't listen to chick music ... in front of other bros. A bro may listen to chick music alone - but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche ... NOT because he finds Sarah McLachlan's melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
149. A bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.
150. No sex with your bro's ex. It is never, EVER permissible for a bro to sleep with his bro's ex. Violating this code is worse than killing a bro.
AMENDMENTS:
1. A bro is entitled to have sex with his bro's ex if she initiates it, is really hot, or his bro is out of town or in a different room.
2. If a bro writes and directs a trilogy of awesome space-themed sagas, he is forbidden from later tarnishing that legacy by crapping out a prequel trilogy that forces bros to specify Episodes 4-6 or the Real Trilogy when referencing what was once a perfect series of movies ... regardless of how anyone feels about those fuzzy bear critters.
3. Should a bro become aware that his bro has a really hot sister (9 and up), she is no longer protected under Article 19. That said, the bro should re-evaluate if the sister resembles his bro in a wig.
4. A bro shall never turn away a bro who shows up uninvited at his door ... with a box of porn.
5. If a bro lives with a chick, it is no longer acceptable for you to show up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
6. Okay, so if a bro desperately needs to stash his porn somewhere, he is allowed to show up uninvited at his bro's door with a box of porn, even if the bro is living with a chick, since the bro's connection with the porn constitutes an older and more meaningful relationship. The box of porn is afforded right of way over the live-in girlfriend, despite the box of porn's inability to get super-pissed and withhold sex.
7. A bro may toss The Bro Code out the window if Scandinavian twins are involved in any capacity.
8. A bro is allowed to play the air guitar, provided the air guitar is made of plastic and connected to a video game system.
9. A bro is allowed to publish The Bro Code if he stands to make a profit on it.
PARADISA CORROLARY: ... Or if a disturbing amount of castle dudes have never heard of it. Wallow in darkness no longer, fellow Bros!
VIOLATIONS:
Violations may result in a fine up to $250, or in some cases, permanent dis-bro-ment. Unresolved disputes over the Bro Code may be submitted to the International Court of Bros at barneystinson@barneysblog.com Room 709 or via journal filter, provided such disputes include pictures of the chicks involved ... but only if they're hot (the chicks, not the disputes).
There are no tenents of the Bro Code that cannot be discussed in confidence with another bro. I would urge a bro to seek permission from another bro before doing something or someONE that he feels might violate the sacred code. (Note: A great time to get that permission is when your bro is super drunk.)
Approved punishments for violations:
Revocation of wingman status
Text blackout
Designated all-time tip-leaver
Assigned to solar refraction seat in living room
Removal from inappropriate email forwards list
Waterboarding
Temporary blackout from BBQs/football Sundays
Loss of permanent shotgun
Bumped from top position on not-using-season-tickets list
Removal from holiday card mailing list
Airport pickup/dropoff pickup priveledges revoked
Must help offended bro move heavy furniture
Temporary removal from usual golf foursome
Must return stuff loaned from offended bro, even stuff he thinks his bro forgot about
No longer allowed to borrow truck
Offended bro no longer required to bring beer over
((OOC: The mun would like to point out that these articles are taken in their very barest form, without Barney's embellishments and examples, from The Bro Code tie-in book for HIMYM. The book has a LOT more stuff than this - I highly recommend chasing down a copy, especially the audiobook read by NPH. All the Paradisa Corollaries and extra rules, however, were written by me. ;D))