The Bro Code, Part 2
THE WINGMAN PLEDGE:
I shall uphold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability. I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six. I agree to swap rounds of drinks with my wingman, even if I keep getting stuck with shots. I will never rack-jack my wingman, no matter how hot the chick. I pledge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party. If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will jump on the grenade. If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall unequivocally agree she sucked anyway, even if she seemed kind of cool and interesting. Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of questionably legal age, I will endeavor to ascertain and verify her birth date. If I discover evidence that my wingman's chick is in a relationship, I shall make that information available to him, unless it's pretty clear he isn't there. I shall honor and respect the dibs system.
The Articles:
60. A bro shall honor thy father and mother, for they were once bro and chick. However, a bro never thinks of them in that capacity.
61. If a bro becomes aware of another bro's anniversary, he shall make that information available to his bro, regardless of whether he thinks his bro already knows.
62. In the event that two bros lock onto the same target, the bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the bro who counts aloud to ten fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of the same length, a game of discreet roshambo (rock-paper-scissors for bros) shall determine the right of way ... provided the chick is still there.
63. A bro will make any and all efforts to provide his bro with protection.
PARADISA CORROLARY: Seriously. Ask the ghosts. It's not that tricky.
64. A bro must provide his bro with a ticket to an event if the event involves the second bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
65. A bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among bros. (Exception: A bro is off the hook if his bro orders a drink that arrives with an umbrella in it.)
66. If a bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, his bros shall offer no more than a "Heh, that sucks, man", and copious quantities of beer.
67. Should a bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another bro shall point out that he is a tool.
68. If a bro be on a hot streak, another bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity. (Exception: Dry spell trumps hot streak.)
69. Duh.
70. A bro will drive another bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his bro's trip or general well being.
71. As a courtesy to bros the world over, a bro never brings more than two other bros to a party.
72. A bro never spell-checks.
73. When a group of bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill regardless of affordability. When the group decides to split the check, each bro shall act upset, rather than enormously relieved.
74. At a red light, a bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn at the car in front of him.
75. A bro automatically upgrades another bro's job status when introducing him to a chick.
76. If a bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his bros, and for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you", he shall first excuse himself from the room, or employ a sub-sonic Barry-White-esque tone.
77. Bros don't cuddle.
78. A bro shall never "rack-jack" his wingman. (Rack-jack: to steal a wingman's chick. Big-time no-no.) To solidify this bond, The Wingman Pledge should be recited (see preface to this group of articles).
79. At a wedding, bros shall reluctantly trudge out in the garter toss, and feign interest for the benefits of the chicks present.
CORROLARY: If a bro's date shall catch the bouquet, he shall act excited, if he ever wishes to sleep with her again.
80. A bro shall make every effort possible to aid another bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a threeway), short of completing the tricycle himself.
81. A bro leaves the toilet seat up for his bros.
82. If two bros get into a heated argument over something, and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologize, to make amends.
83. A bro shall at all costs honor The Platinum Rule: Never ever ever ever EVER love thy neighbor.
PARADISA CORROLARY: Dude. Just switch rooms. Seriously.
84. A bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch Die With Difficulty, if he sees it's on TV.
CORROLARY: Ditto: The Shawshank Salvation, Top Plane, The Large Wyzowski, and the first half of Total Platinum Vest. And porn. Duh.
85. If a bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his bros.
CORROLARY: His bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they're whistling at.
86. When a bro meets a chick, he shall endeavour to find out where she fits on the Hot-Crazy scale before pursuing her.
87. A bro never questions another bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height.
88. If a bro for whatever reason, must drive another bro's car, he shall not adjust the pre-programmed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position.
PARADISA CORROLARY: From merit of experience, a bro shall also not magically add bug legs to another bro's car. No matter how good an idea it might seem at the time. (Sorry, bro.)
89. A bro shall always say "yes" in support of a bro.
90. A bro shows up to another bro's party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink.
91. If a group of bros suspect that their bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to give him an adjacent, yet more demeaning nickname.
92. A bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.
93. Bros don't speak French to each other.
94. If a bro runs out of toilet paper in the bathroom, another bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch, or the door open any more than 30 degrees from fully closed.
PARADISA CORROLARY: Just ask the castle for it, and this becomes null and void.
95. A bro shall alert another bro to the presence of a chesty woman, whether he knows the bro or not. Such alerts may not be administered verbally.
96. Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire. (Note: Attempt to start a fire outside.)
97. Where a bro went to college is going to kick his bro's college's ass all over the field this weekend.
98. A bro never lies to his bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.
99. A bro never asks for directions when lost. (Exception: A bro may ask for directions from a hot chick.)
100. When pulling up to a stop light, a bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.
101. If a bro asks another bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave, and beyond.
102. A bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
103. A bro never wears socks with sandals.
104. The mom of a bro is always off-limits, but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it and/or is wearing one piece of leopard print clothing - if she looks good in it, and is not smoking menthol cigarettes.
105. If a bro is not invited to another bro's wedding, he doesn't make a big deal out of it.
106. Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his bros, a bro always selects the largest size available.
107. A bro never leaves another bro hanging on a high-five.
PARADISA CORROLARY: We are looking at you, Crowley.
108. If a bro forgets a guy's name, he may call him "bra", "dude", or "man", but never bro.
109. If bros are attending a sporting event and see themselves on the Jumbotron, they shall purse their lips, flex their biceps, and inform the crowd that their team is #1, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.
110. If a bro is hitting it off with a girl, his bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.
111. If a bro discovers another bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the bro will sign out for him.
PARADISA CORROLARY: If a bro discovers an open journal in an area or circumstance where such a thing is not advisable, he will close it and make all efforts possible to insure that it will not fall open again.
112. A bro doesn't sing along to music in a bar. (Exception: A bro may participate in karaoke - but no chick songs.)
113. A bro abides by the accepted age difference formula when pursuing a younger chick. (Age Difference Formula: chick's age is greater than or equal to bro's age, divided by 2, plus 7.)
114. If a bro must crash on his bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and cable if the period exceeds two weeks.
115. A clothing-optional beach doesn't really mean clothing-optional for bros.
116. A bro shall not kill another bro, or that bro's chances to score with a chick. If the latter is broken, the second bro is free to exercise the highest penalty possible in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status.
117. A bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control.
CORROLARY: It is fully expected a bro will try anything in order to gain posession of the remote.
118. When a bro is with his bros, he is not a vegetarian.
119. When three bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any bro to put his arm around another bro to increase space.
((OOC: The mun would like to point out that these articles are taken in their very barest form, without Barney's embellishments and examples, from The Bro Code tie-in book for HIMYM. The book has a LOT more stuff than this - I highly recommend chasing down a copy, especially the audiobook read by NPH. All the Paradisa Corollaries and extra rules, however, were written by me. ;D))