If I leave here tomorrow....would you still remember me?
We all know that writing seems to be the only way that I can get
anything out of my head. And, right now....it's the last thing that I
want to do. All that I really wanna do, is sit down and cry. I want a
big bottle of Vodka, a couple of really good friends, and I wanna cry.
I wanna cry and laugh and sob and laugh so hard that I cry some more.
But, sometimes all I feel is alone almost like I have no more friends.
I have Brandon and yeah he's my world. But, the knew friends...Sallie,
Amanda, Keri....I can't see myself with them how me and Jen and Mal
are. No the three of us don't talk much. We have our own lives and our
own worlds, but God do I need them now. And, I don't know why I'm
feeling so emotional. I just know that in the past two days, a lot has
happened and I need some way to release. I have no clue how.
Jen once said, "Sometimes we build walls around ourselves just to see
who cares enough to knock them down." And, that's how I feel.
I've pulled myself so far away from everything that I love including
Mal, Jen, and both Brandons and I've built an unbelievable wall around
myself. Sometimes I wonder if anyone could knock it down if they
tried.
I always talk about how much I want to run away. At this moment, I
feel like that more than ever. I just want to get away. I want to run
as fast and as hard as I can for as long as I can. I'm scared guys.
I'm scared out of my wits. I've fallen in love and it scares me. I've
been hurt som many times that I don't know if I can handle it, if it
happens again. One part of me is saying...you love this man and he
loves you back...go with it. You've never felt like this before and
you deserve it. And, then the other part is saying yeah, you love him,
and yeah he loves you....but what happens when he hurts you? Can you
really go through all of that with this one? Will you be able to
handle it? Or will this one be the breaking point?
I know that I'm rambling, but I can't help it. I need to talk to
someone and I can't. I don't know what to say. I need to talk to him,
but I can't. I'm not a good communicator. This time last week, I was
excited as hell. I was getting a hellacious refund on my taxes. I'd
gotten a raise. Brandon got a job. And, now things just feel icky.
I need a damn vacation. I don't even have to go anywhere. I just want
a couple of days where I don't have to do anything that I don't wanna
do. Hell, one day like that would be nice. Just one day to sit around
in my pajamas and not do a damn thing. One day when everyone else has
to go to work and I don't. Ugh...And, I need sleep. Granted, this
week, I've gotten more sleep than I've gotten in a long time, last
night, I didn't sleep for shit. I was upset and too tired. I was
stressed and nervous. And, I don't know. All I wanted to do was cuddle
into Brandon and cry. And, I can't do that. And, I wanna talk to him,
but I can't. I'm so scared that he'll get mad at anything I say like
Eric did and yell at me. I'm afraid that I can't say a damn word
because he'll get defensive. And, the awful part is that in my mind I
know he won't do those things, I can't stop it. It amazes me that 3
and a half months with someone has done this to me, yet, 5 months
without anyone at all, and 2 months with the best guy ever haven't
fixed me yet.
Make it fuckin go away. I'm sick of being scared.
The only one of his ex-girlfriends that I have a serious problem with
is Stephanie. Tiffany, I don't have a problem with. I will say that
she intimidates me. Not because I'm scared of her personally, though I
should be. I'm more intimidated by that fact that she used to be with
him and she still loves him and I can't compete with her. And, I know
that.
Ugh. I need to talk and I can't. Fix me!
anything out of my head. And, right now....it's the last thing that I
want to do. All that I really wanna do, is sit down and cry. I want a
big bottle of Vodka, a couple of really good friends, and I wanna cry.
I wanna cry and laugh and sob and laugh so hard that I cry some more.
But, sometimes all I feel is alone almost like I have no more friends.
I have Brandon and yeah he's my world. But, the knew friends...Sallie,
Amanda, Keri....I can't see myself with them how me and Jen and Mal
are. No the three of us don't talk much. We have our own lives and our
own worlds, but God do I need them now. And, I don't know why I'm
feeling so emotional. I just know that in the past two days, a lot has
happened and I need some way to release. I have no clue how.
Jen once said, "Sometimes we build walls around ourselves just to see
who cares enough to knock them down." And, that's how I feel.
I've pulled myself so far away from everything that I love including
Mal, Jen, and both Brandons and I've built an unbelievable wall around
myself. Sometimes I wonder if anyone could knock it down if they
tried.
I always talk about how much I want to run away. At this moment, I
feel like that more than ever. I just want to get away. I want to run
as fast and as hard as I can for as long as I can. I'm scared guys.
I'm scared out of my wits. I've fallen in love and it scares me. I've
been hurt som many times that I don't know if I can handle it, if it
happens again. One part of me is saying...you love this man and he
loves you back...go with it. You've never felt like this before and
you deserve it. And, then the other part is saying yeah, you love him,
and yeah he loves you....but what happens when he hurts you? Can you
really go through all of that with this one? Will you be able to
handle it? Or will this one be the breaking point?
I know that I'm rambling, but I can't help it. I need to talk to
someone and I can't. I don't know what to say. I need to talk to him,
but I can't. I'm not a good communicator. This time last week, I was
excited as hell. I was getting a hellacious refund on my taxes. I'd
gotten a raise. Brandon got a job. And, now things just feel icky.
I need a damn vacation. I don't even have to go anywhere. I just want
a couple of days where I don't have to do anything that I don't wanna
do. Hell, one day like that would be nice. Just one day to sit around
in my pajamas and not do a damn thing. One day when everyone else has
to go to work and I don't. Ugh...And, I need sleep. Granted, this
week, I've gotten more sleep than I've gotten in a long time, last
night, I didn't sleep for shit. I was upset and too tired. I was
stressed and nervous. And, I don't know. All I wanted to do was cuddle
into Brandon and cry. And, I can't do that. And, I wanna talk to him,
but I can't. I'm so scared that he'll get mad at anything I say like
Eric did and yell at me. I'm afraid that I can't say a damn word
because he'll get defensive. And, the awful part is that in my mind I
know he won't do those things, I can't stop it. It amazes me that 3
and a half months with someone has done this to me, yet, 5 months
without anyone at all, and 2 months with the best guy ever haven't
fixed me yet.
Make it fuckin go away. I'm sick of being scared.
The only one of his ex-girlfriends that I have a serious problem with
is Stephanie. Tiffany, I don't have a problem with. I will say that
she intimidates me. Not because I'm scared of her personally, though I
should be. I'm more intimidated by that fact that she used to be with
him and she still loves him and I can't compete with her. And, I know
that.
Ugh. I need to talk and I can't. Fix me!