woah dude
so wow i have not wrote in this in foreverrrrrrr!! well, a lot has been going on obviously since i havent wrote in like 3856 years. im single now, which is good. i broke it off with john recently, he just didnt make me happy. i was actually kind of depressed and had a lot of new mental issues going on. i still do, but i think they will go away at least i hope! i just cant seem to be happy. im only happy when im with certain people. and when im not, i just cant help but think of all these really negative things. im pretty sure ive got an anxiety disorder, i keep getting anxiety attacks and they are the worst! ive been talking to chris about it since hes had an anxiety disorder since he was little and he tells me everything is going to be alright, which is all i really need to hear. he helps a lot. i love hanging out with him btw! hes so fun. we usually just get drunk and walk around the town till 6am and i love it. hes the only person willing to hang out at like 3am when i cant sleep haha. id like to hang out with him more often, every time im with him i cant stop laughing hes like the funniest person i know! not to mention really really cute! haha. i hate to sound like i hang out with all these guys because i really dont, but i miss mike so much! the last time i saw him was 2 weekends ago when he came here drunk and i had to hide him behind my bed when my parents woke up haha. it was fun. he said he wanted to be with me, but i was so confused because hes the only guy ive known for 6 years and liked for 6 years. he had 6 years to date me and didnt. and then we got into a fight about a week ago because i didnt want to go to brooklyn to visit him. i really want to but im not going there alone and everyone i know sucks. so were not talking right now. but were on good terms he understands my life is a mess right now and i want to fix it before i start anything else. yeah, i realllly need to get my life in order i dont even know what im doing. im not a good person, i dont have a job, i dont go to school, im really unhappy, and it seems almost every one of my friends doesnt have any free time for me. and that sucks when you have TOO MUCH time for all that. i just really hope i can figure out this big mess. this is what happens when you just let everything go and dont do anything. i feel like im on the verge of being a crazy homeless person that talks to themselves and wears shorts in the winter because thats all they could find in the trash. i feel just as good as one. ive been getting out of the house too. going out here and there. pretty much, i wanna live like a playboy playmate. how sick would that be. ugh im getting a headache. i think i should start writing again, maybe this will help me with my feelings. it always did. not even for anyone to read. i wouldnt expect anyone to read or care. just for myself. k byeeee<33