Over My Head (My Confessions)
Over My Head (My Confessions)
Tagline: Everyone knows I'm in over my head and I don't know what to do to but to give my confessions.
Summary: When the pressures of being unable to conceive slowly derails their relationship, Arizona chooses to take a break. She heads to Africa to work as a missionary, saving lives of the tiny humans. Yet, little to every one's knowledge, including her own, she takes a little something of Callie's with her. Now seven months later, Callie's world is turned upside down by the arrival of her ex-girlfriend and the tiny human growing inside of her. Can Callie find forgiveness for the mother of her child? Or is it simply too late?
Warning: AU Season 7
Pairing: Callie/Arizona.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
“I can sum up everything I have learned about life in three words: it goes on.”- Robert Frost.
Chapter Five
The world seems to be going to hell around her; the gut wrenching screams of the passengers echoing within her ears, the cries of those fearful ones that surround her cracking in her ear drums, Dani’s nails digging deep into her hand and the stumbling flight attendants trying to do their jobs as tears stream down their cheeks. Although the world is literally falling around her, Arizona only sits in silence, the coldest of tears cascading from her bottle blue eyes, her breaths shaky and uneven escaping from her pursed lips. She doesn’t panic or give into the chaos around her, but only remains still as sitting in the fabric seat.
Growing up in a military home, she and her brother were taught to never lose control in the face of an emergency but to rather keep a cool head and contemplate all plausible answers and explanations. The Colonel told them stories of men in the field that panicked during an unexpected situation and lost their lives, or cost the lives of others around them. A calm and collected head is the smartest, he would always say. Except, it is not that lesson that silences Arizona Robbins as the plane plummets in dramatic trembles, but it is fear.
The most paralyzing, numbing, type of terror.
This is her worst fear.
She should have known. She should have listened to that little voice inside of her head that told her to stay in Africa just a little while longer. But she had to see Calliope, she had to tell her about the baby growing inside of her, she had to give her that chance to be a mother that she so desperately longed to be. She couldn’t stay in Africa, not with her life changing, not when the one person that she wanted to share this experience with was literally half way around the world, working in a top grade hospital. She just could not stay.
But now she would give anything to simply go back.
Her eyes dart around the chaotic, panic stricken scene around her as the plane plunges in a tremulous joggle, the oxygen masks falling from the overhead above the seats, swaying in the bounce, just barely missing her head. She sucks in a hard breath, the whooshing of the air triggering the rattling of the windows. The noise of the roaring engine is enough to create an unknown ache in her bones, causing the tears to crowd deeper within her eyes.
Desperately, her eyes find Dani’s, who only looks as panicked stricken as Arizona and the rest of the passengers on the flight. She speaks no words, her face emotionless as the tears crash down her powdered cheeks, creating the most heart breaking streaks. Her lips quiver as Arizona only stares, breathlessly.
There has to be something.
Something she could do, something she could say, just something that could stop this entire thing from happening. Something that could save the lives of those around her, something that could save Dani’s life, her life, her baby’s life.
However, she doesn’t ponder the thought too long when another plummet takes her breath entirely.
They are getting closer now, closer to the ground, closer to the end.
“Arizona.” It is Dani’s trembling voice who speaks her name now, but even at this moment in time, even after everything the two of them have discussed and been through, it sounds utterly strange coming from her. Bottled blues meet a pair of warm, chocolate brown and Arizona swears that she can almost count the tears that are forming within her eyes. Strangers at the beginning of this flight, the two of them have suddenly became so much more.
“Brace yourselves!” A voice of a scared flight attendant echoes from the front of the class. The sobbing cries of the passengers are just enough to create an unwanted soundtrack to this fearfully painful moment. Arizona looks around the plane, noticing the people who grab for their oxygen masks; she notices an old couple, sitting hand in hand, with the most silent tears falling down their cheeks. She notices a young couple with a son; he could not have been more than four years old, softly trying to soothe him in the most bittersweet lullaby. She takes a moment, the most briefest of moments, to notice the things that would otherwise have gone unseen by her eyes. She takes a second in the loudest chaos of fear and panic and sadness to find the one thing she has been searching for since leaving Seattle: love. Love in the face of strangers, warmth in the face of fear.
A hand upon her stomach snaps her from her journey and she notices Dani’s palm, tightly resting upon her prodding stomach. She says nothing, however, for there are no words to explain the emotions that are suddenly now pulsing through her veins. She only studies the hand as the most bitter of cries dance from her pursed, cracked lips. Looking up at the brunette as another jostle shakes through the plane, rattling the windows angrily.
Her stomach sinks heavily; maybe this is what she deserves. Maybe this is what she deserves for leaving a woman who loved her with all of her heart; maybe this is what she deserves for choosing to keep this secret from her. Maybe this is what she deserves for not being able to find forgiveness when forgiveness should have been found. But these people? These people do not deserve this; her unborn child does not deserve this. No-one else should suffer this punishment.
Another drastic drop sinks the airplane further to the ground, a loud roar of a tremble shaking the plane as it becomes close to the ground.
It is happening now.
Her teary eyes meet with Dani’s once more as the brunette offers a halfhearted smile, placing a chaste kiss upon Arizona’s cheek. Arizona offers a smile, however, only the weakest one appears upon her lips as she shares a tender gazes with the woman beside of her.
“It is going to be okay, I’ve got you!” Dani yells over the loud rumble of the crashing airplane and Arizona almost believes her. Her hand clasps over Dani’s upon her stomach, a heart wrenching cry escaping from within her, the most heart breaking cry that has ever fallen upon human ears. As the roar becomes louder, another tumbling plummet is felt as suddenly, Dani’s body becomes thrown over Arizona’s as the collision occurs.
There is shattering of glass, a thrusting of the aircraft, the jarring of the passengers, the flickering of the burning flame as it begins to catch fire, the cries and screams of those passengers all seem to fade away now. Further and further away as Arizona begins to drift out of consciousness, her breaths short and empty, as the blood begins to pour down her face.
Her hand tightens around Dani’s as her head falls backward in the utmost heaviness, her eyes closing as she gasps another short inhale as she mutters only one thing.
“Calliope.”
Losing a child is perhaps the most painful experience that one will ever have to endure in a lifetime; especially to lose them in a miscarriage. It is the most heart breaking, heart wrenching type of pain that Arizona Robbins has ever experienced in her entire life, not even with the death of her brother. When she watched them unload his body in a coffin that day, she swore that nothing else could hurt worse than that exact moment. But that pain? That pain comes nowhere near the type of pain that radiates through her body every time that she makes a movement that her child will never be able to do.
People grieve in their own ways, Arizona, herself, knows this best. When Timothy died, her father, the strongest man that she ever knew, a man to never show his emotions in fear of being weak, cried and then turned to alcohol to help ease his pain. For months on end, the bottom of the bottle held the answers and the comfort that his family could not provide him. Her mother, who was never shy in telling anyone what she thought or how she felt, suddenly fell silent. Instead, she began to busy herself in quilting (which she sucked at) and sewing and cooking and other menial hobbies that could, even if just briefly, make her forget. When Timothy died, Arizona turned to work instead of the alcohol or the hobbies, instead, she buried herself deep within the body cavities of tiny human’s, in finding answers for parents that she could not provide for her own.
Grief is a tricky thing, an everlasting thing, She had prepared herself for Calliope’s grief: for the overly dramatic anger, for the sadness that lasted for days, for the jealousy, for anything really.
She had prepared herself for anything, except for the fact that Calliope did not seem to grieve. The first few days after the miscarriage had been full of sullen sadness and bitter anger, but by the time a week marked the death of their baby, Calliope had already found her way back to work and planning the next stages of her life. She did not take a moment to slow down, a moment to breathe, but instead swore that she was fine and begged for everyone to leave her alone.
But she was not fine. Arizona knew this. No matter how hard she tried to convince everyone that she was.
“I think we should try for another baby.” The statement catches Arizona entirely off guard as she closes the apartment door behind her, slipping the coat from her slender body. She glances over to the sofa in which Calliope sits, flipping through what seems to be her baby book.
“Excuse me?” Arizona exclaims with a wrinkled brow, hanging the coat on the rack that eagerly sits by the door, awaiting such a task. Callie nods brightly, a warm smile upon her face as she flips a page of the book and an outburst of a coo giggles from her lips.
“Yeah, we should. I mean, look how cute you were!” Callie coos, pointing out a photo as Arizona sits, Indian style in the couch next to her girlfriend. Leaning forward, she notices the photo of a two year old Arizona, pig tails in her bright blond hair as she holds her palms outward, mud covering them with the wickedest dimpling smile pressed upon her lips. The blond chuckles the most innocent laugh as she rakes her hair away from her face, looking at the raven haired beauty with the utmost amount of love in her eyes.
“I was two years old there. I remember that day. Well, rather the story of that day. That was when we were living in North Carolina. And we had this biiiiiig yard that Timothy and I loved to run around and play in. And of course, when it rained, there were mud holes. My mom swears that she begged me to stay out of the mud. But obviously I did not listen. I got mud everywhere. It took three baths to get all of that mud off me.” Arizona recalls with a giggle and the bright smile upon Callie’s face nearly makes it crack in half as she coos at the photo, her soft index finger tracing the shape of her pudgy oval face.
“You were such a beautiful child. With that bright blond hair and those big blue eyes and those little dimples. You were perfect,” She sighs happily, her eyes finding Arizona’s once more, “you still are.” Even after all these months, it is the little things that she says that can still take Arizona’s breath away.
“Calliope…”
“Come on, let’s try for another baby. You heard what Addison said, my uterus is still a little scarred and I shouldn’t try to get pregnant for a while but she never said anything about you. We could get you pregnant and we could have a little Robbins baby, with those eyes and those dimples and she or he could run around here in their feety pajamas yelling “super” and “yay” to the top of their lungs while their Uncle Mark feeds them the most sugary cereals that he can find.” Callie begins and Arizona only looks at her with a soft smile.
“I just don’t…”
“I think we should. I’m ready. You’re ready. And we have so… so much love to give a child, Arizona. And we aren’t getting any younger. It could be months before my body is ever ready to even try to carry a child but yours can. You can have our baby, Arizona. Our baby. By this time next year, we could be parents. And just think how beautiful our baby would be. And how everyone is going to love it and coo over it and how our parents are going to be grandparents and they are going to spoil our baby rotten. It will be our baby, our baby who is the perfect mixture of me and you, and our baby who will love us and need us unconditionally. Doesn’t it sound absolutely amazing?” Callie coos, turning a page in Arizona’s baby book. However, instead of speaking or making any notion to prove to her girlfriend that she agrees with the said statement, Arizona says and does nothing.
“Arizona?”
“No.” It is a one syllable word that falls from the blonde’s pursed lips, a simple word in all reality, but it is that one word that suddenly divides the two women so dramatically that no words could ever ease the division. Blue orbs find a pair of warm brown and without words, it is quickly known they are on completely different continents rather than sitting side by side on their sofa.
----
There is this mass fear and panic that swarms over you when you are a surgeon and your pager goes off in the middle of the night, especially if your best friend’s ex-girlfriend’s pager goes off as well with the blinking of 911. No matter how long Teddy Altman has been working at Seattle Grace-Mercy West, the loud buzzing of her pager in the middle of the night still catches her breath and sends a rush of adrenalin and fear pulsing through her veins. It means something is wrong and when those three numbers flash upon that plastic screen before the world has yet to even awake, it means that something is very wrong.
As the two of them barrel down the highway at a speed that is far more illegal than Teddy would like to admit, she cannot stop her mind from racing in circles. What could have happened? A car accident? A fight? A fire? So many things could go wrong at a time like this, so many things could ruin a perfectly good night for people and she hates not being prepared, not mentally knowing what she is facing and how to fix it.
Turning the curve, Teddy takes a moment to allow her emerald jades to flicker to the silent traveler who sits, staring absently out the window as she fumbles with the pager in her hands. She has known Callie Torres to be a lot of things but quiet has never really been one of them. With a wrinkled brow, the cardio surgeon studies her passenger, quietly and solemnly, the lines on her face that tell a story of where she has been, a story of where she is going. A story of happiness, a story of sorrow, a story of joy and a story of pain. Barreling down the road with her now, Teddy is almost in awe of how fragile and human Callie looks now.
Feeling eyes upon her, Callie looks at Teddy who quickly blushes, turning her attention back to the road. Callie laughs quietly, a soft smile curling upon her lips as she fumbles with the pager nervously in her hands with a heavy sigh. She is surprised, honestly, at how comfortable she is with Teddy now, how the silence is not deafening or life threatening but simply comfortable and understanding and patient.
“Teddy?” Callie calls out and the blond glances over at her, gripping tightly at the wheel as her thumbs nervously beat the rhythm of an unknown tune that plays in her head. Callie smiles, shrinking down in the seat only slightly, almost ashamed that she has suddenly drawn the attention to herself before she speaks once again.
“You’re going to think this is silly.” Callie begins and Teddy smiles playfully with a shrug of her shoulders.
“Hey, I think a lot of things are silly. Like, the fact that four-year-olds are allowed to have Iphones and the fact that some people believe that if you spill salt you’re supposed to throw it over your shoulder or that some of the interns actually passed the requirements to be in a hospital. But I’m sure that whatever you’re thinking over there that has you so gloomy is not silly,” Teddy explains, with a playful smile in an attempt to ease the tension in the car. Callie laughs half-heartedly before the smile fades from her lips in a heavy sigh.
“Something is wrong,” Callie mumbles quietly and Teddy looks at her in confusion, “I know it’s silly. But I just… I feel it. Something is wrong. With Arizona. I know how stupid that must sound but when you love someone… you’re tethered together, through time and distance. You’re connected. And I feel it in my heart, Teddy. Something is wrong.” Her voice cracks, but only briefly, before the raven haired beauty becomes in control once more of her emotions, brushing her tears back with a quick lick of her dry, cracked lips. Teddy’s lips move but no words escape them; instead she returns her attention back onto the road, rounding another curve. Quietly, her hand slips onto Callie’s knee as she gives it a careful, reassuring squeeze.
“I am sure everything is fine,” Teddy whispers, her emerald eyes meeting Callie’s russet brown. The two share a moment, a brief and innocent moment, a moment in which no words need to be said because everything that needs to be said simply has no words. After a moment Callie only nods, unsure of whom she is trying to convince at this point, because nothing about this situation is fine.
--
There is the fear of the unknown when you are a surgeon and you are racing into the pit in the middle of the night; your mind is trying to prepare itself for the worst medical emergency that is even imaginable. However, there is this other fear that quakes through you when you race into the pit and you see a crowd of surgeons, the best surgeons already awaiting news. It is that fear that is now aching through Teddy and Callie as they jog into the pit, frantically searching the crowd of familiar faces for a hint of just how horrific this may be.
Bailey stands at the front of the pit, clutching tightly to the clipboard in her hands, her narrowing eyes catching Teddy and Callie as they try to sneak in unnoticed. Teddy only flashes an innocent smile with a quaint wave, her left shoulder nudging not so obviously toward Callie, giving an excuse as to why she had been so late. Miranda only glares, not amused by the fact that the two of them did not answer as quickly as she would have liked and Teddy only hangs her head slightly. There is something ever so motherly about Miranda Bailey and when she does not approve of something, you cannot help but feel like you have been scolded and had your favorite toy taken away for disobeying. Teddy shrinks a little until she squeezes her way beside of Owen; the ginger smiles sympathetically at his friend, uncrossing his arms to offer a friendlier vibe to the woman.
“How much trouble do you think I am in?” Teddy tiptoes to whisper to Owen. The red haired gentleman smiles at her, shifting his weight to view her more appropriately. The two of them have had such a history together; a history of love and desire, a history of longing and pain, in fact, they are the ones who can write a novel on unrequited love. For as long as Teddy has loved Owen, Owen has loved Teddy, but tragically their time, like the setting sun, has come and gone.
“Not too much. Besides, you are the cardio attending, no-one is really going to say anything to you. Especially not Bailey; and if she does….well… we outnumber her.” He offers her a warm smile with a quiet laugh and she giggles quietly, flushed and flustered by the radiant smile that is pressed upon his face; there is something about Owen Hunt that will always take her breath away.
“Alright, everyone! Thank you for answering your pages in a timely matter.” At this, she quips a glare at Teddy who only smiles warmly at the woman. Bailey grumbles, tapping the clipboard in her hand before she continues.
“There was a plane crash tonight. According to the little information that I have, the plane was on its way to land at Sea Tac when it began to experience some unknown type of trouble and plunged from the sky before it caught fire. It is a very terrible accident and very few survivors have been found. So, we all need to be our very best tonight. These people have experienced one of the worst disasters imaginable and they are hanging to their lives by a thread. They do not need half sleeping surgeons who want to rush through their jobs to catch up on sleep they missed because they were too busy last night in the on call room with someone they shouldn’t have been. We are going to be the best, nothing but the best and if I catch so much as a whiff of one of you not doing just that, I will not hesitate to put you on scrub duty for the rest of your life!” Bailey tirades in her ever so knowing tone and the group of surgeons only stand, looking at her with tired and confused eyes.
“Well, what is everyone standing here for? Go to your stations, people! Move! Look alive!” Bailey bosses, slapping her hand against the clipboard. Like children that are caught doing something they shouldn’t, the group quickly scatters in grumbling curses, hanging their heads as they rub their tired eyes. Yet, as the crowd disperses into their stations, paring off into their specialties, Teddy remains standing still and quiet, as her knees quake in a buckle beneath her. Noticing the blond surgeon standing, instead of moving in a way that she approves of, Bailey takes a knowing step forward her.
“Can I help you with something, Dr. Altman?” Bailey inquires, taking another step toward the blond. Teddy nods quietly, struggling to find the words to ask the question that she doesn’t necessarily want to hear the answer to.
“N-no.” Teddy states and Bailey turns, “yes….no….I mean…”
“Dr. Altman, some of us do not have all night to play this game with you. Is this there something I can help you with or do you just want to stand here in everyone’s way and stare at the wall?” Bailey retorts in her infamous annoyed-with-everyone tone. Teddy groans, tangling her fingers in her hair as she tugs desperately before she takes a powerful step toward the shorter African American woman that allows her to know she isn’t kidding around.
“The plane, Bailey. Where was it coming from?” Teddy asks and Bailey looks at her with a wrinkled brow, confusion written upon her face before she laughs quietly, shaking her head softly.
“I don’t think knowing the departure of the plane is going to help you in being the best cardio surgeon that you can be. In fact it may even…”
“Look, I get it, okay? I do. You are pissed that the Chief looked you over for a promotion. And damn right you should be. You have been here twice as long as any of us and here you are, still the attending of general surgery, bossing us around in the pit instead of getting noticed for the amazing surgeon that you are. So, you are trying to be the best that you can be and trying to convince us to be the best that we can be so the Chief can have another reason to see why you are such an amazing choice for a promotion. But I need to know where the plane departed from.” Teddy exclaims, her eyes colliding hard with Bailey’s but the shorter woman does not budge.
“You know the rules about involving personal business with your professional business and…”
“Dr. Bailey. Where did the plane depart from?” Teddy asks again, this time her jaw locking in determination as she takes another powerful step toward Miranda. The shorter woman only glares through slanted eyes before she sighs, shaking her head in the utmost annoyance before she looks down at the clipboard.
“The plane departed from Africa and was set to land at Sea Tac this morning….” Suddenly, the world falls away, even though Bailey’s lips are moving, the only words that Teddy can hear is Africa, the only words that Teddy can hear is the excitement in Arizona’s voice from a few nights before when telling her about her flight. The only words that she can hear are the ones that her heart cannot bear, the ones that are completely and utterly unfathomable.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, Dr. Altman, I need to go make sure that everyone is where they should be and not taking a nap in the empty beds,” Bailey explains but even that statement is simply muffled and distant. Teddy stands, watching with glossy, tearing eyes as Bailey disappears in her infamous sway around the corner and when she vanishes from sight, Teddy falls apart. Without so much as consideration of where she is or who could see her, Teddy sinks to her knees, clutching tightly to her chest as the tears fall down her powdered face. There is no outburst of a heart wrenching cry, there is no sob or wail, there is only simply silent tears falling from her eyes as her heart aches inside of heir. As she gasps in a breath, she feels the bile rise in her throat and her stomach twisting in knots as the distraught and pain aches through her veins.
In the silence of the unknown and the unthinkable pain, only one name falls from her cracked lips.
“Arizona.”